Why Doesn't Anyone Talk About Believers Dating Unequally Yoked Believers?

Hey Everyone,

True Believer's recent thread reminded me of something I think about often in the Christian Singles community. We singles are always, always adamantly told to never, ever be unequally yoked in romantic relationships with unbelievers -- and I completely understand that. I am certainly not trying to argue the Bible's wisdom regarding believers marrying only other believers.

But on the flip side (and IToreTheSky's post touched on this,) why doesn't anyone talk about believers who find themselves unequally yoked with other Christian believers?

Let me give you 2 examples.

1. Story #1 -- Molly believes in infant sprinkling baptism, while Matt believes that a believer should be able to request baptism (full submersion, just as it was done in the Bible,) as an act of faith when they are old enough. They both hold true to the basic tenants of faith (salvation through belief in Christ as their Savior,) and since baptism isn't a "major" issue of faith, they decide they'll work around it, respect each other's beliefs, and just get married anyway.

After some time, their son Max is born. Molly, according to her beliefs, wants a full-on christening (infant baptism and naming ceremony) at church, as this is a big part of her beliefs about raising a child in a Godly way, as well as her family expecting them to carry on what they see as a sacred act.

Matt is very uncomfortable with this and doesn't want any of this for his son. He wants Max to be able to choose full submersion baptism as a consenting, acknowledging believer when he is old enough. Molly's family is whispering in disapproval that Matt must not care for the spiritual welfare of his son. After all, what if something happened to little Max? While Molly's family church would never say for sure if a baby would go to heaven or hell (because they would admit to not knowing,) they believe that infant baptism invites the Holy Spirit into the child's heart, and if the child should die before being old enough to understand, this would greatly "up" their chances of getting into heaven.)

Molly and Max find themselves arguing all the time over this, because it's not something they can just keep overlooking.

How do these two young parents resolve this?

2. Story #2 -- Sara has been a believer all her life. She's had a lot of ups and downs with her Christian walk, but she's had the time to experience a lot within her faith. Sam is a relatively new believer who came to Christ 2 years go. He is totally on fire for God and is happily giving away money and belongings to help anyone he encounters who has a need -- after all, he's read it right in the Bible that he should not turn anyone away empty-handed when they ask. However, Sam is running into some trouble himself. He's finding himself a little short on cash because he's giving away so much. But Sam wants to please God with all his heart, and truly believes he's doing the right thing.

Sara loves Sam's giving heart -- it's part of why she falls in love with him -- so they decide to get married. However... Problems begin to emerge because Sam is constantly giving away money and trying to help people. They're short on rent because Sam was trying to help a co-worker who has a drug problem. Sara warns Sam of possibly enabling this person, but Sam tells her God gives everyone a second chance. Sara also tries to talk to Sam about setting a budget and making sure they have enough first, but Sam says that God would say that they should put others before themselves.

Sara has had a long, tumultuous history with trying to help others, and she has learned that boundaries must be set and adhered to for a reason. She also knows that sometimes believers get caught up in works and wind up enabling others to make poor choices. However, Sam won't listen because he hasn't gotten to that point himself and believes he is doing the work of God. In fact, he is talking to her about giving away their car, because they could just get bicycles.

Sara doesn't know what to do. They are falling further into debt, and she doesn't want to undermine his role as the husband and leader of the family. But Sam says that "God will provide," and doesn't think twice about the growing pile of "Past Due" bills on their counter. And it is tearing their marriage apart. Sara no longer feels secure, and wonders if Sam is going to give them away right into homelessness.

Both of these examples are taken from incidences in real life.

I know this thread could easily dissolve into arguments of how to handle baptisms and budgets. However, personal beliefs about these issues are NOT the point of thread. The point of the thread is identifying with one or more of the characters in the story and telling us how you would work this problem out in a peaceful way with your own wife or husband if it were you.

When answering this thread, the questions to focus on are:

* What would you do if you were in this situation? How would you approach the subject in a loving, respectful manner with your spouse?

* What advice would you give to other singles on dating believers who are "equally yoked"?

Frankly, with everything there is to try to "match up" as far as "dating compatibility" goes, I know it must be a humongous miracle ANY time God puts two people together who find a way to make it work.

Our married friends here are more than welcome to tell us how they have handled these matters personally.

I'm looking forward to hearing all of your thoughts, both single and married.

Please remember, this thread is not about posting your position on baptism or finances and trying to convince everyone of what they should believe about them. Rather, it's about overlooking differences in another believer (maybe they're so good-looking, methods of baptism seem to go right out the window at the time,) and how to deal with them on the day of reckoning.

Well spoken Seoul! Or written 😃 I should say. Overlooking differences in your partner is certainly a part of any relationship. It's probably good to know yourself enough and be honest in your heart of what things are really important to you in a partner. What you are willing to compromise in. Obviously there's things that might be too important to set aside.
Comunication is key,as is honesty and trust.
I have met quite a few couples that both claim to be saved and love God but treat one another with cutting remarks and disrespect. There was a woman in my church once who was in a physically abusive relationship with her husband but wouldn't divorce because it was drilled into her that God hates divorce. Her husband was church member as well.
Where am I going with all this? I guess it just boils down to love. In any relationship. Period. I've been with believers and unbelievers. Both can be toxic if your hearts and lives aren't submitted to God and one another. No one is perfect obviously. I think to be equally yoked is when both ppl are willing to lay down their lives for the other in love and sacrifice,not in a manipulative or abusive way.
Ok,sorry I rambled here again, great and insightful post Seoul ❤️

Thanks for an honest, informative post, Tore!

This is something that has always confounded me about the church bodies I've been part of -- there's always a sense of "us" (believers) vs. "them" (unbelievers.) I understand that -- after all, the Bible tells me so.

But what I never got was why so many church members seemed to then spread the "holy doctrine" that as long as you avoid "them" and stick with "us", you'll be just fine, everything will be peachy keen, and you will bask in nothing but the perfect blessings of the Lord all day, all the time.

In other words...

I couldn't understand why so many people seemed to make "them" (unbelievers) the Big Bad Scapegoat when churches and marriages were crumbling from within, even with everyone trying to follow the supposedly sacred hallows of the "just obey all the rules and everything will be ok" formula.

It was always easy to talk about "them."

But no one seemed to be talking about the problems in plain sight amongst all of "us."

My wife and I are unequally yoked. I prefer my eggs scrambled and she prefers her fried.

Is this supposed to be a yolk?

I think you are supposed to go out with someone in your own church and then you wont run into problems? Scenario 1
and Scenario 2 you are supposed to go out with someone who got baptised the exact same time as you did. Basically someone you knew from high school and you went to Easter Camp with.

Good luck finding that person, especially if none of them exist!

Amen! And there lies much of the problem existing within the church. It's easier to blame others than being humble enough to let God change our own hearts and look at our own issues. The whole plank in the eye syndrome.

This is a good example of a thread where we know who wrote it just by reading the title...

All threads eventually derail to food.

Difficult subject.
I am very grateful that I'm generally on the same page with husband, not always but mostly. There were some family situations that I didn't agree with his decisions at all, but I also understood where he was coming from and that his conscience would make him second guess himself later, and I supported him for that reason. I could have wrestled it out with him and pushed my will over his if I really put my foot down. But I chose to support him knowing there would be problems. I don't want him to have thoughts later and not fully enjoy life, even though we both know there would be no blame if we did differently.

Besides, God brought up Scriptures to me later regarding it, so I am at peace that we did the right thing, as unpalatable as it might be, and boy, did satan make his little temper tantrums, disliking what's going on. He's not gullible or stupid to be ignorantly taken advantage of, and doesn't disregard what I say, either. He responds to my support with accountability. I am really upset not for my sake but for his sake, he spreads himself too thin until he just crashes... But he does draw way more healthy boundaries now than he used to... it's been a journey... he's getting wiser, just like me, I can't be harsh to him because he didn't have it all figured out right away...

I think a lot of people are not fully accepting the responsibilities of marriage. They come into marriage with secular understanding of it which shows in practice. It's not a friendship, it's not a promise, it's not a roommate deal, it's not a partnership, it's called a covenant. This is the only relationship modeled after our relationship with God, and as such, it's very binding dedication and calls for some self denial.

Regarding self denial, love for God actually commands making some concession to your spouse, God wants you to uphold the responsibility you have to another person. As a married person, I cannot go and spend all I've got like the guy from seoul's example, because the funds are not mine anymore. It's ours. So the dude has a responsibility to his wife. But also, she entered a covenant with him. That's no more two but one; she must share the good and the bad times. And I am not just empty word preaching this, I live it. I know some people might disagree, but I'll put a disclaimer, that's how I see it, and what is true for my marriage.

People who think they will change their spouse are foolish. You either gracefully accept your spouse as they are, or divorce them if you believe it's rightful. If you act with acceptance maybe you'll see some change, not guaranteed. But if you try to change them you will definitely fail, only God can do that. And as such, people need to understand the realities of seriousness of marriage commitment...

You bring up some excellent points, for it is not just doctrinally where we need to be equally yoked

Maturity levels, life experience, mental health issues... there is a lot more than just theology to consider

For instance, becoming involved with someone who is overly insecure can cause
a lot of problems for someone who is more comfortable in their own skin. People
who act out of such emotionally damaged places can be quite toxic. It is not
pleasant to be the target of someone else's manipulations and need for control

I fully agree with your estimate and about the covenant. And yes, the dude has a responsibility to his wife, financially, and in other ways too. "No more two but one". Yes, that's it exactly. Marriage is indeed a serious commitment. You understand this fully.

Another great Seoulsearch thread. As to general conflict resolution (including in marriage) all parties need to be willing to do their best understand where the other party is coming from, agree internally on a course of action (even if it's one of those "everyone agrees to say what no one really believes" compromises), and then present a unified front to the rest of the world.

For baptizing a baby, I don't know that I believe in infant baptism, but I believe that going through the ritual won't harm the child in any way, so if I had a spouse that really really wanted to, I'd probably allow it. Perhaps with some preset agreement that in raising the child we refer to that event as a christening instead of a baptism and an agreement that should the child later wish to be immersed as a believing adult we will fully support that decision.

As for balancing the mentality of "God will provide" with being a good steward, I'm so on the pro money management side that I'm not even going to attempt to defend the other. If I had to hash such a situation out, I'd be discussing what the criteria would be to determine that God had / had not provided or we'd misused the provision. I'd bring up the idea of how it reflects on the honor of God when we don't pay our debts and obligations and break our word ( isn't that dishonesty) in such a manner. And I'd probably try to get him into the budget discussion by talking about how it would be the best way to free up the maximum amount of money for giving and in that discussion we could talk about how many and what kind of vehicles we need, what luxuries / entertainment we can do without, simplifying diets etc because 1) it would be important to hammer these big money decisions out as a couple and 2) I like my comforts enough that there probably is room for adjustment and spiritual growth in implementing more self denial in that area. If he were the kind of guy to just look at his bank balance to know how much he has to spend, I'd also encourage him to use auto withdrawls to either remove reserved money from the account before he spent it or to allot himself his share of spending money every pay. If he consistently refuses any financial discipline, well here's where I imagine real world me had this conversation before marrying him because there's no good outcome for a relationship with me and a guy who won't even try to manage his money a little bit.

Let's just say these scenarios are why it's a bad idea to let emotions drive the decision of who and when to marry. Marry in a hurry, repent at leisure (I know I'm quoting; I don't know what I'm quoting).

Outstanding practical and spiritual counsel. If a couple cannot agree on this reasonable accommodation it does not bode well for their marriage.

I can think of two really good ways to prevent these problems. I can't think of a thing for fixing the problems once they come up. (I hope I never have to.)

The first prevention is communication. If somebody is avoiding a topic that should be hashed out before tying the knot, why is the topic being avoided? A LOT of stuff can be sorted out before it even becomes a problem if people are willing to talk about it.

CAVEAT: Sometimes communication doesn't happen, or sometimes people lie. seoulsearch herself has mentioned in other threads that she has had experience with guys covering up their spending habits, and she found out far too late. I can't imagine her leaving such an important topic unexplored in conversation while dating...

That brings us to the next prevention, honesty. If you have to put on an act to get her (and I use her because I'm a him... girls, feel free to change it to him so it will fit your her) then you'll either have to keep up the act THE REST OF YOUR LIFE to keep her, or there's a really big battle coming up soon.

CAVEAT: You can guarantee your own honesty, but you never can be quite sure the other party is being honest. Too bad nobody can read minds.

So yeah... with those caveats, it only really works if both parties are communicative and honest. If either fails at these, it's probably going to be a rocky road.

As for fixing the problems after they have become problems, I have no solutions. All I have are a few thoughts.

For matters of doctrine, like baptism, it is true that it wouldn't hurt the baby to be sprinkled. But I don't think that will solve the problem, just move it down the road a bit. I can see arguments in the future, for any split beliefs on doctrine, with statements like "Anybody who believes you're lost unless you get baptized ONLY that way is in a cult, and I will not have MY son believing everybody on my side of the family is going to hell!" versus "He's MY son too and I will not have him going to hell just because you want to tell him he's okay without a real baptism!" That's real important stuff to both sides, and even if one shrugs and acquiesces as a matter of "Eh, it's not really important if you do this" it won't really solve the problem.

For matters of accountability, I would ask what the guy's pastor teaches. If this full-throttle "spend everything to help other people" is being taught as doctrine in his church, y'all got bigger problems. If it's a matter of the guy himself believing what he is doing is right, that's a bit more manageable with case histories and biblical proof that we should be good stewards, and maybe he'll come around and listen to the voice of experience in time.

I tried to leave both of those open-ended. The same thoughts can apply to all matters of doctrine and accountability, not just baptism and giving to others.

But really, both the examples should have been ironed out before the "I do's" and I'd be very curious to know why nobody ever discussed them.

I have seen people come to this site seeking advice on such matters and the more common response is "don't do it". But that response not bigger by much of a margin.

It's not discussed much because

A ) its not most Christians focus, nor what is ever taught.

B ) its simply much less common than Christians marrying non-Christians. Or at least not brought up near as frequently.

C ) it seems more acceptable to than marrying a non-Christian, thus there is a smaller number speaking against it.

D ) many Christians have the notion if it has the title "Christian" on it then it is automatically good.

Don't marry if you don't interpret scriptures the same way. Don't marry if you or they are not financially responsible. Don't marry if you fight about anything. Don't marry if they disagree with you about anything. Just don't marry. Problem solved.

dont marry...

got it.

I like that Soulweaver calls it 'concession' rather than compromise, I hear so many people say marriage is a compromise, that I kind of wonder how good it can be if you have to compromise ALL the time.
Compromise might be meeting halfway, but half way feels kind of half hearted. Isnt a marriage you just go all in, give your all to the other person and the other person gives their all to you.


dating...you dont have to date someone all the time. You can just date them a few times and then stop if you dont think you are on equal footing. I dont want to be dragged along or the one that has to pull someone else, even if we have the same faith, I think we are all given a measure of faith, and the disparity will show up sooner or later.

But like the virgins with their oils, you get it beforehand you dont say you dont have any then go steal it from someone else. I witness a lot of marriage like that. Of course the person giving at first seems happy to until they themselves run out so you both end up with less. You need to get the oil from God FIRST not each other.

Good point.

I think the difference is whether you want to compromise or not. Grudging compromise breeds resentment, which can kill any friendship. Willing compromise (in my experience) can only come from caring about the other person enough to give up what you want for what she wants.

I could expound on that, but that's not the point of this thread so I'll end this derail here.