How High Should One's Sexual Wanting Be as a Motivator to Get Married?

I believe both spouses need to have the same level of sex drive, or else there could be issues in the marriage where one spouse feels having sex is more of an obligation/duty/hassle. When a spouse feels that way, the enjoyment is lessened.

Quality and frequency of sex could also mirror the quality of the couple's non-sexual lives. So, if a couple is not getting along otherwise, quality/frequency is diminished. To have a good sexual relationship, both spouses must be compatible (both sexually and non-sexually), have a strong marriage on all fronts, and offer sacrificial love. If there is an issue in the marriage like trust, however minor, other parts of the marriage suffer. Sometimes, one spouse may find that the other spouse is a horrible person, and all attraction is lost.

Marriage is hard work for most, possibly all, couples. Even seemingly happy couples could face periods where they are more distant. During these periods, their sex lives are lessened/more infrequent. Keeping sex "alive" in a marriage takes effort. Well, perhaps what is more relevant/on point here is that romance takes effort.

Hey Everyone,

A recent post about marriage being God's holy outlet for sexual expression had me thinking about this question.

This is the reply I made to that particular post:

"It's a funny thing.

This leads into the discussion of how high a person's motivation to marry is based on a desire/need/compulsion for sex and how high it should be when influencing them to seek or marry a spouse.

We all know the infamous passage that tells us it's better to marry than to burn with passion (1 Corinthians 7:9,) but on the flip side, there have been many, many people on the forum over the years (usually in the Family Forum) who admitted to marrying specifically in order to deal with/have an outlet for their passion -- and it never seems to work out well.

I can't think of a single brave soul out there in the time I've been here who stood up and said, "YES!!! I was burning with passion before my marriage, I found myself a most reliable and usable outlet, oops, I mean, er, spouse, and bingo! Now all my flames have been tended to! Hallelujah!"

I wonder if there are couples out there who have found this to be their reality? And if they would be brave and kind enough to tell us that it actually exists?

I'm certainly not saying that the Bible or God's Word is wrong.

I'm just saying, what are we missing in that why does it seem to go so horribly wrong for so many people who are just trying to follow what the Bible says?

There are a lot of people who married thinking that they were walking into God's holy sanctions for a proper sexual outlet, and have found themselves to be utterly miserable."

And so, my intrepid fellow CC'ers... What do YOU think?

* How high should sexual motivation be when seeking someone to marry? 20%? 40%? 99.99+1/2%?

I'm pretty sure very few people would want to be proposed with, 'Hey there, how about you taking up this once-in-a-lifetime offer to be my Ultimate Holy Sex Outlet, 'til death to us part!"

And if anyone out there would actually LIKE to hear someone to ask for their, uh, hand, in marriage this way, well kudos to them for being honest!

In the time I've been on this forum, I don't think I've ever seen a married person proclaim: "I'm here to tell all you poor single people: Marriage REALLY DOES satisfy ALL my sexual needs and curiosities, even far BEYOND my wildest dreams!!!"

Shoot. I'd love it if married couples actually WERE able to tell us this!!

But I understand that it's too personal for most to talk about. And if what they've really found is a harsh reality, I wish there were people who could be honest enough with us to just tell it to us like it is: "I'm telling all you singles out there, brace yourself to be disappointed, and here's why..."

I have to wonder if marriage is like any other form of customer service? The people who are happy with their service aren't usually the ones who speak up -- it's usually the ones are unhappy with their service and have things they would drastically like to change. And I'm certainly not shaming anyone for that.

Anyone who's read my posts for a while knows that the thing I'm always after is People's Realities vs. Obeying the Rules. Yes, we are to obey the rules -- I'm not even trying to argue that.

But what I want to know is, why does life often wind up being so challenging, or downright miserable, for so many who try their best to follow the rules?

And better yet, what can be done about it, if anything?

I don't think sexual desire alone should be a motivation for marriage at all. That is going into marriage for the wrong reason.

I don't think sexual desire alone should be a motivation for marriage at all. That is going into marriage for the wrong reason.

I could be wrong about this, but the kicker is, a couple isn't going to find out if their drives/desires/frequency is compatible until AFTER they get married, and by then, it's "too late" if/when there are major problems.

For instance, I've read about people who have been sexually abused (and it's a sadly common occurrence these days,) and the person might believe they will be totally gung-ho about an active sex life with their spouse.

But then... They actually married... and find out that each time, they're reminded of the abuse. And they start to withdraw, blame their spouse, then resent and avoid them.

I've had a few discussions with men whose wives accused them of raping them each time, because every time they tried to be close to one another, it reminded her of past abuse, no matter how hard he tried to be loving.

So here you have a situation in which the wife sees her husband as an abuser, and the husband can't get close to his wife, or he is accused of being a sexual predator. Or the other way around, as it seems to be about as common for guys to be sexually abused as girls these days.

These are the kinds of stories I hear regularly.

And all the church can say is, "You have to have communication! You need to go to Christian pre-marital (and after marital) counseling! You need to be open and clear about your expectations BEFORE the marriage!"

That's all fine and dandy advice.

But it's just not cutting it for a good number of people who are suffering in situations such as this, and people aren't given permission to talk about such things openly without being condemned back into, "Just follow all the rules, do everything the church leaders tell you to do, and if it still doesn't work out, you obviously aren't trying or didn't try hard enough."

Hey Everyone,

A recent post about marriage being God's holy outlet for sexual expression had me thinking about this question.

This is the reply I made to that particular post:

"It's a funny thing.

This leads into the discussion of how high a person's motivation to marry is based on a desire/need/compulsion for sex and how high it should be when influencing them to seek or marry a spouse.

We all know the infamous passage that tells us it's better to marry than to burn with passion (1 Corinthians 7:9,) but on the flip side, there have been many, many people on the forum over the years (usually in the Family Forum) who admitted to marrying specifically in order to deal with/have an outlet for their passion -- and it never seems to work out well.

I can't think of a single brave soul out there in the time I've been here who stood up and said, "YES!!! I was burning with passion before my marriage, I found myself a most reliable and usable outlet, oops, I mean, er, spouse, and bingo! Now all my flames have been tended to! Hallelujah!"

I wonder if there are couples out there who have found this to be their reality? And if they would be brave and kind enough to tell us that it actually exists?

I'm certainly not saying that the Bible or God's Word is wrong.

I'm just saying, what are we missing in that why does it seem to go so horribly wrong for so many people who are just trying to follow what the Bible says?

There are a lot of people who married thinking that they were walking into God's holy sanctions for a proper sexual outlet, and have found themselves to be utterly miserable."

And so, my intrepid fellow CC'ers... What do YOU think?

* How high should sexual motivation be when seeking someone to marry? 20%? 40%? 99.99+1/2%?

I'm pretty sure very few people would want to be proposed with, 'Hey there, how about you taking up this once-in-a-lifetime offer to be my Ultimate Holy Sex Outlet, 'til death to us part!"

And if anyone out there would actually LIKE to hear someone to ask for their, uh, hand, in marriage this way, well kudos to them for being honest!

In the time I've been on this forum, I don't think I've ever seen a married person proclaim: "I'm here to tell all you poor single people: Marriage REALLY DOES satisfy ALL my sexual needs and curiosities, even far BEYOND my wildest dreams!!!"

Shoot. I'd love it if married couples actually WERE able to tell us this!!

But I understand that it's too personal for most to talk about. And if what they've really found is a harsh reality, I wish there were people who could be honest enough with us to just tell it to us like it is: "I'm telling all you singles out there, brace yourself to be disappointed, and here's why..."

I have to wonder if marriage is like any other form of customer service? The people who are happy with their service aren't usually the ones who speak up -- it's usually the ones are unhappy with their service and have things they would drastically like to change. And I'm certainly not shaming anyone for that.

Anyone who's read my posts for a while knows that the thing I'm always after is People's Realities vs. Obeying the Rules. Yes, we are to obey the rules -- I'm not even trying to argue that.

But what I want to know is, why does life often wind up being so challenging, or downright miserable, for so many who try their best to follow the rules?

And better yet, what can be done about it, if anything?

well it would be weird to marry someone and go to sleep together in the same bed, and then expect them to not to touch you.

on the wifes part she could say oh I have a headache or my period or whatever
but the husband cant do anything about that he just has to learn self control. if sex was the whole reason they got married what does the guy do when his daughters come of age...have sex with them? Or mothers with sons.

you see if sex is the whole reason, you will probably end up with a very incestuous, inbred family.