Marriage Advice Please

Just because you are a Christian doesn't mean that you throw commonsense and caution to the wind in regards to who you allow in positions working with Children.....That is total ignorance.

Can anyone say for sure that he would harm a child...NO...but you also don't ignore the writing on the wall...That is ignorant and dangerous.

Children shouldn't be put in a situation like that. They are not able to protect themselves against predators so it is up to the pastor and other adults to protect them.

I also believe many people do not fully understand the danger. This person may or may not abuse a child, but that's not the full issue. His mental orientation, his view on life, his concepts of right and wrong, his willingness to deceive, his view of women, his lies, his willingness to play with truth and many, many similar issues make him a clear danger to anyone he is around.

All that is required for evil to win is for good men and women to do nothing?

However...
At what point does the object of gaslighting realize that they have been manipulated and lied to?
What should a person who "wakes up" do when they discover that a close, personal relationship is nothing what you once believed it to be?

The OP has described a classic closet narcissist... only truly concerned about themselves and not anyone else. Their reputation is the only thing of value they hold.
I really wouldn't assume that his reputation is as sterling as he would like to believe it is.

Youth pastors as a general rule don't get paid a lot like senior pastors do...so he can easily replace his income with another job...but his career really needs damaging by a public divorce with the whole truth coming out. Otherwise he is yet another wolf in sheep's clothing.

As the wife in a divorce situation the OP holds most of the cards...she gets the kids and at a minimum ⅓ of his gross salary (which is about half his net income) plus half of doctor's bills and dentistry until the children get out of college.

The husband's chances of getting remarried at some point are pretty good...the OP's...not so much.

First she has to figure out how she was duped by a narcissist and free herself of years' long manipulation and isolation. She also will need a job/career to help support children and herself. But self-respect is worth every back-breaking penny to most people. Especially if she believes God.

Not completely sure that is accurate. Like you stated, if divorced this guy is going to be in for child support and maybe even alimony....Looks like this and the other issues puts a damper on his opportunities for a successful remarriage.

Doesn't sound like a lot of women would be lining up to marry a man who can't even help support a family if he chooses to have another one. Also with his issues, not even sinners want a man who rummages through other women's phones looking for nude pictures to masturbate.

Even if he does remarry, chances that another marriage will work for him are slim.

Don't see how anyone on their own can become qualified to become a Christian.

It doesn't even make any sense.

Oh I never said anything about him having a successful second marriage ...in fact his chances of that happening are super slim.
It's just that he likely will be able to find another victim....um I mean wife...he excells at lying and manipulation and charm.

Maybe you are right. But I do not know why you connect one thing with another like someone who steals from companies would murder someone. You are drawing conclusions of one thing to another where I do not see the connection.

What I find disturbing are your responses assuming you actually read the OP. This "husband" of hers belongs in prison and if continues his ways, will likely end up there.

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I'm not really a fan of convicting people of crimes they haven't actually committed yet.

Or making civil law infractions into criminal law infractions.

The man is a fraud...that's more than enough consequences at this point.

He did commit a crime? You read the entire OP, yes?

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If you take my property without my consent, that is theft, which is a crime. Just because you return it after gratifying yourself sexually, doesn't mean the theft didn't happen.

Here in America that is an invasion of privacy which is subject to lawsuit but not actually a theft of property. Because he didn't download the pictures of a coworker to his own device or publish them in any fashion. He hasn't broken any laws.

It's not actually in violation of "peeping Tom" statutes either.

There is no constitutional "right to privacy" in America...it's a common misperception for many people. There is a prohibition against illegal search and seizure by the government...but it doesn't apply to private citizens.

The ONLY case she might have had is if the courts in her jurisdiction considered what he did as Breaking and Entering...but probably there was no lock on her phone if he was able to view her pictures...so that means it will be considered "freely available for viewing publicly". (Things you do in a public street are not considered private)

He took the phone, the actual property. That is theft here in America. Just because he returned the phones after violating himself, doesn't mean the theft didn't happen. He stole the phones.

A judge would laugh at porn being an issue and let the father have unrestricted visitation. You really think, in this day and age, a judge will care that Aman watches porn and oggles other women? At most the phone snooping would get a slap on the wrist but that's it.

A friend of mine, years ago, discovered her daughter was being molested by her father and father's friends during her visitation. My friend took her ex to court for the abuse. Know what happened? Long story short, they questioned my FRIEND'S modest sexual habits and gave full custody to the father! She hasn't seen her daughter for 18 years now.

I didn't tell Kayeboo to smash her window or computer. I was just sharing that's how another woman handled it. In this case, Kayboos righteous indignation can be to put her foot down and say there will NOT be internet in her husband's hands or in their home! I was basically saying it's okay to be angry about this.

How gracious of you to tell the OP it's ok for her to be angry about this.

How deceptive...nice job at editing my post to exaggerate and take out of context what I actually said... to make it look like I just called you an idiot...

Really... what was that all about?

Here is my actual statement...

I agree no one is perfect, but if you allow someone who continues to display sexually deviant behaviors to be in a position where they have access to youths at church...you're an idiot...AND that's that!

Well, with her church gaslighting her I figure she needs to hear it and feel supported.

Thanks for your snark. It was so extremely beneficial to this conversation. 😉😉😉😉😉😉😉😉😉😉

You're so much better at snark than I am. Look at you go! lol

It's just my opinion, but it doesn't appear to me that the OP thinks she needs permission to be totally pissed off at her "husband". Talk about regretting marrying someone. Unfortunately she has children with this creep, otherwise I'm sure she would have been gone long ago.

The OP has not yet responded to a single post. Looks like it's a one and done.