I had a lot of issues growing up with my mental health when I was a child. I had to put things in certain ways otherwise thoughts came into my head that something bad would happen to my family and it would be all my fault. I was detached at school and used to think what I had done to deserve the illness I had and I just couldn't seem to fit in.
I grew up a rebel of a teenager disrespecting my parents, drinking, taking drugs when clubbing, I also had 2 abortions when I was younger which I truly regret now.
I met a man in my mid 20's, he was nice at first, we got married then the abuse started. I wasn't easy to live with to be honest but he wasn't a very nice person. He was abusive. We had children and I was a great mother at first but the atmosphere in the house with my husband was awful. He didn't help that much with the children at all. There were domestic incidents with him. I found out one day when I was pregnant with my third child that the police had been looking for my ex husband for 10 years as he was accused of sexually abusing children. He convinced me that he didn't do it and I stuck by the monster for a while I just felt so low and controlled, he kept saying he would get the kids taken off me. How could I have done this how could I have stuck by him??? I did eventually leave him before his court case and luckily he was convicted. I was left with scars so emotionally deep from everything that I started drinking more and more and neglected the emotional needs of my children. I was drunk every night selfishly trying to block the pain out I was horrible and have scarred my amazing children in the process. They don't deserve a mother like me.
I then went on to meet an amazing man who took me, my problems and my children on. I was still drinking though, I couldn't face the person I was so I drowned myself in drink. I even drank when I was pregnant with my fourth child. I'm so so selfish. I got so drunk on occasion that I used to go out and cheated on my amazing partner. I had that much drink I didnt know what I was doing and the guilt after was immense, still is. I am so so evil for hurting my family like this. I remember when my lovely nanna was dying and myself and my mum and sister stayed with her with hardly any sleep for 7 days. I had evil thoughts about my nan on her deathbed with my thoughts calling her names. They were unwanted thoughts but I cannot forgive myself for this either. I get these unwanted thoughts a lot. I have got better over the years and started going to church. I promised God loads of times I wouldn't drink and kept on doing it just not as much even though I know it hurt my family. I've put alcohol and myself before God and my family and it's caused so much damage. I know God has given me loads of chances but ive let him down. I had a vision a few years ago telling me I would get ill like this ans I was going to hell
My doctors think I have motor neurone disease so I'm terminal and deteriorating fast. I feel like I deserve this death, I'm not worth it. Ive not lived in Gods ways and I cannot seem to accept Jesus' forgiveness no matter how hard I try, I just feel so worthless and defeated. I have stopped drinking now but I should have done this for God and my family way before. I should have done the right thing ages ago and now it's too late.
Now my family are going to suffer even more as they will grieve for me. I want to be a good person and I want Jesus' forgiveness. I'm just a horrible horrible person. I feel so bad after everything I've done. Please forgive me Lord 💔💔💔
I can try to point you in a way to get started, on a somewhat shared issue. Meeting a fantastic man, keeping on drinking and cheating.And resenting yourself, a bygone thing that you cannot change, it was just life and a lesson for you. I also met what I thought was a perfect woman, our lives where entangled for many years, my drinking became a daily thing. And smoked weed daily, which she did not like at all, much fights about that, much disappointment. And sometimes we both failed and brought others home from the bars. We just kep on hurting eachother for years, while still caring very much about eachother. We kep calling eachother, and hurting eachother after that, and occational drunkcalls back and forth, telling eachother how much we cared about the other one. Then I turned off my phone 2-3 years ago. I found faith during theese times, and a few days before my birthday this year, I though of how she would serve me breakfast in bed on my birthday, so I called her again. We had some calls that lasted over 1 hour over the next few months. She asked to talk, I said we needed to do that in person, if she wanted to go serious. She wanted me to go to her, I said I could not, she would have to come to me, I could arrange accomodation for her. A call every other week for a month or so, then I did not call for 1 month or more, so she drunktexted me at 4 in the morning, asking me if I was nearby and I should come over. I think she texted the wrong number and asked another dude over. But minor detail that we just pretend does not exist.
I said I would be coming down, in a few weeks, or a month. Anyways, she pushed on, and pushed on. And kep nagging me about the vaccine, on and on about how I had to get it. Then I had to go and do a move in the city half an hour from her house. And we arranged to meetup. I said we had to do it in public somewhere, she said it had to be at her house. And pushing about it had to be that day and that day, I buckled. But it took like almost a week, to do it on terms that was almost right for both. Eventually I drove to the store and got some cakes, and called her to arrange a sitdown, and stood firm this time, on it being outside in a park or somwething. And that I had forgotten coffee, so she had to make some if she wanted that, so she came to a parkinglot and we drove to a dirty old dock and had some coffee and cake, and chatted for over 1 hour. She then insisted that we had to go to her house, because she had to use the bathroom, which she could have used at the mall by the dock. But I did not care, and just went along even though I wanted to be outside. talked for many hours. Did not get anywhere, subjects of limit, much lies, she was bloated in the face, looked like she had a rough night partying. Was supposed to see eachother after the weekend, but she called me the next day asking me over, saturday. She was not bloated in the face that day, perhaps the chat leading nowhere helped her some. So we just talked for 8 hours til it was 2 at night, and she had some beers. Actually joked some, smiled and laughed about our past some, and our current lives. We went to the door, we hugged long and hard, I squeezed her ass some, we both smiled and laughed a bit about that. Then I went home. This situation will not get resolved, we cannot discuss what cannot be put on the table. So all we could do, is telling eachother that we have only love for eachother now. And wish eachother well. But most of the communication is nonverbal. Just silently agree that stuff cannot be resolved. One cannot give forgiveness, for what cannot be spoken off. So perhaps you can just talk to your own heart first, then the man you cheated on, and your kids about that one situation afterwards. Perhaps it is enough to know, that you know, so to speak, and close that chapter. Aknowledging an issue may be all you can do, resolve may not be needed. Longwinded, I know.
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