Nothing left but anger

Let me start off by saying I am a Bible-believing Christian. I got saved ten years ago. I acknowledge that I’m a very blessed person, at least materially. I have money, a house, the basic necessities. I was raised in a loving Christian family and have never been abused. I’ve always been a good girl. But at 27 years old, I have no friends, no job, and I’ve never dated.

This may be partly because I have Asperger’s syndrome. But lately, I’ve realized something important. Something very depressing: I have no control over anything in my life. That’s why I’ve stopped trying to make friends, find a job, or do anything beyond restocking my food supply. None of my many attempts in the past have worked, so why should I keep trying? As for skills, I like creative writing. But I know that won’t earn me a living.

It’s been like this for a few years now. Time is moving too fast for me to keep up with it. I live with my parents but they aren’t getting any younger, and I don’t want to burden my brother or sister. Other than them though, I have pretty much no one and nothing to fall back on. Then again, I’ve always had this sense of loneliness throughout my life, knowing I’m different from everyone else.

Most of the time I just stay in my room, drawing, writing. In my room I can retreat to my fantasy worlds, far away from any outside forces that would just steal it all from me. I know, not exactly healthy, but it’s better than drinking or doing drugs, or porn.

Yes, I’m sick of being taken from. But again, I can do nothing.

I’m sad to say, but not even my faith has helped out with any of this. I wish I could say I’m confident in God, but nothing could be further from the truth. God is not another human being. He’s not going to speak to me audibly, he’s not gonna hug me when I need it, he’s not going to do anything that’s useful or helpful in the real world. Pretty much the only reason I’m still a Christian is for the hellfire insurance. Beyond that, I pretty much don’t trust him for anything. I know he loves me and all that, but I need more than base sentimentality.

Being a Christian doesn’t make you happier, it doesn’t make you more moral, it doesn’t remove your problems (in fact, it creates more). Like I said, the only thing it’s good for is the hellfire insurance. I know that sounds bad but at least I’m being honest.

I’m tired of knocking on God’s door and having it slammed in my face. The fact is I live in a cold, uncaring universe, I’m subject to its whims, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Nothing I can do to undercut the current of constant and inevitable change. When all is said and done, I will be utterly alone, with no one and nothing familiar.

All I really have left now is my anger at all this. Yeah it devours your soul but at the moment anger is the only thing that makes me feel alive.

God never promised the road would be easy, when we chose to follow Him. There's a lot of grief and pain and suffering in daily taking up that cross. So I agree with you there.

I don't have Asperger's but I've struggled my whole life with introversion. It wasn't until I met my husband (online, which was the only way I could have managed meeting another human being) and had kids (kids really force you out of your bubble!) that I started growing bolder in life. I'm not saying a husband and kids are your answer, though. My point is more that, you should keep putting yourself out there. Try not to worry about what people think or say (hard to do, I know!!) and live every moment for Christ. Whether that's helping to take care of your parents house (chores) or going out and serving at church or volunteering at an animal shelter (animals are often easier to get along with than people).

I love to write, too. So does my (introverted) teen daughter. Have you heard of writing.com? We have discovered it's a great community of encouraging people. We made friends with people pretty easily there. It's also a great way to share allegorical creative writings and share the faith without, you know, having to deal with people face-to-face.

And you never know, you could end up writing and getting published a wonderful book that glorifies God! If He has gifted you with the ability to write, use it for Him!

I know life can seem bleak but I would encourage you to look up the passages in His Word that talk about JOY. Remember He created you for a reason and can use you, if you let Him, and you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)!

Problem is I'm not a saint. I'm just a normal person. If anything, I'm probably too weak.

Actually, if you've chosen to follow Christ you ARE a saint or, in other words, are being made holy.
But now having been set free from sin, and having become slaves of God, you have your fruit to holiness, and the end, everlasting life. Romans 6:22

And none of us that follow Christ are normal. lol. The KJV says we are:
"...a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light..." 1 Peter 2:9

But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty;... 1 Corinthians 1:27
Look at all the historical accounts in the Bible where God used the weak to do awesome things! Abraham, Moses, Samson, Gideon, Saul...Being weak isn't a bad thing in God's eyes. He can use weak!

I don't wanna be used. I'm not a pawn on a chessboard.

Earlier you said you stopped trying to make friends or get a job because you can't be in control. Now you're saying you don't want to be used. I think that may be the main issue: control. When you decide to follow Jesus and give Him your heart, you give up control of your life. If you are unwilling to do that...if you are only able to love and serve yourself rather than the Creator...then life will feel meaningless and that anger will thrive.

Being used by Yahweh isn't a bad thing. If you are unwilling to let Him work in you, then you may want to reexamine what, exactly, your relationship is with Him. We give up our lives to Him and let our old man die when we follow Him. If you don't want to do that, then it could very well be you are a Christian in name only. If you want a real relationship with Him, you will have to give up yourself.

Real relationships don't involve people using each other.

Of course they do! Take it from someone who has been married for 18 years. My husband and I often use each other in physical, mental, and emotional ways. And all in love. There is nothing degrading about being used unless you're in an abusive relationship.

In a boss/employee relationship the employee is being "used" by the employer to get a job or task done.

Babies/children "use" their relationship with their parents to survive.

Even you are "using" your relationship with your parents so you can have a place to live, right? (And as a mother, I don't see anything wrong with that sort of situation.)

Any time a person says to another, "I need you", there is going to be "using" involved. A key to a healthy relationship is to be available to be used. How many times in our lives do we find the grace of God useful? How often do we use His providence and forgiveness?

I recognize that the word "use" is a psychological buzz word but it has legitimacy, too.

Would you like to join a zoom group? I go to Harvest SoCal and we have a thing across the US where from https://harvest.church you can page down to Harvest Groups/Join a Group and select online and the day, time etc you want. In our group is someone from Arkansas and from Canada and we're in SoCal. We are studying the Book of Acts.

I think the big question is, why do you think you are not in control over anything? Is it because you have tried and not succeeded, or are you waiting for these things to drop on your lap? Based on what you have written, it seems you have shut yourself in and not attempted to try obtain some of these things you want. You have to at least try. Not to sound harsh, but staying in your room living in a fantasy world with feelings of self-pity is not going to get you anywhere!

I agree we are not 100 percent in control of our lives; God ultimately has control. But, I think we have to work towards what we want.

If you want a job, find a field and skills that make you employable.
If you want friends, most people get their friends from work, school, or church.
If you want a relationship, join a dating app. Also, try to improve yourself in various ways.

If you at least try, you may not succeed in everything but you will definitely be in a better position than where you are now.

I can relate to some of the things you write because I am also a big introvert. Over the past year and a half, I have worked from my parents' home because of the pandemic so I have experienced the "I'm not getting anywhere" type of feeling. At the same time, I really have no interest to get out of the house either; in that sense I have shut myself in because I am comfortable with that. Similarly, you may be shutting yourself in because you prefer that and do not want to face the outside world, but at the same time you are feeling stuck as well. If you are staying at your parents house, and assuming you have limited funds (since you are unemployed), you do not have a lot of opportunities to obtain friends. I also think it is kind of a natural behavior that when we stay with family, we have less desire to spend time with friends on a frequent basis even if we deny this.

No it doesn't. Anyone can make rat poison taste good by encasing it in cake icing. Doesn't mean it's not lethal. In the same way, no matter how you put it, no matter how good it may seem to you, the word "use" is bad when applied to other human beings, whether we like it or not.

I have tried, for years. I went out. I applied. And every single one of those attempts led to disaster. Don't assume that I haven't tried, 'cause you don't know that I haven't.

I don't want interactions filtered through technology. If you exclusively want to use Zoom, I can't be friends with you. And I'm tired of Bible study. I want something else.

I honestly wish I wasn't built with a need for social interaction, because half the time, people just ignore me. "No man is an island," yeah well, sometimes when you're shipwrecked because of circumstances beyond your control, you have to do with what you've got. Namely, yourself.

Will anger help though? In any way? Is there another emotion or way of dealing with this?

I didn't say it would help.

woah, sounds a lot like me. I have a house and career but I feel very distant from others. When dating, I generally find people to borderline harassing me over social media and I'm like... no, Ima just hide in my house now

That's fine I gave it a try

What do you want?

At least one friend. By which I mean not an acquaintance, who'll just drop the relationship on a whim.