How Many Gentlemen Here Do Not Want Their Wife to Work?

Hey Everyone,

Some thoughts in the threads had me thinking about the Catch 22 message I often seem to get from the Christian community.

As a woman, I'm told that it's evil feminist women who have broken society, partially by seeking careers.

But yet at the same time, as a woman with nearly 2 decades of singleness behind her, I can only recall meeting maybe 5 or fewer men who said they didn't want their future wife to work and that they would be the sole provider. So the message seems to be, "Those evil women who want to work ruined everything," while simultaneously saying, "I want a woman who works to help me pay the bills." What is the balance between these two views?

Maybe it's just me, but these days especially, I think the term "provider" takes on a much larger expansiveness than ever before. Many couples who marry today might be blended (already have children,) and even if not, I know many singles who don't have kids but yet are paying and caring for other's kids as their own (nieces, nephews, cousins, siblings, etc.)

But even a brand-new young couple may eventually face the costs of children, education (college,) and older family members (aging parents on both sides) who will need care.

After participating in and seeing a glimpse into the costs of raising, educating, and caring for both the young and older members of a family myself, I can't help but admire any man who would say he will brave all of those costs alone.

On the other hand, the vast majority of men I've met expect a future wife to be a financial helper (most especially since many men will talk about times they've been unfairly used by women for money,) but how will that make her different from the types of working women who are apparent homewreckers? Maybe it's just me, but I haven't met many men who don't want their wives to work.

I find my own place in life to be a bit odd and certainly not what I planned. My apologies to the regulars here who already know about me, but for anyone who might want the background information, I was once married but he left for someone else. I quit my Master's program at school to take on a full-time job to cover all the expenses that would now be mine alone (up until then, I was going to school full-time and working 2 part-time jobs.)

I poured all my grief into work, both for businesses and for the church, and over what seemed an eternity of long, lonely years, it's finally started to pay off, as one by one, God has been helping me knock out my debts. One of the things I would have to offer a future husband is financial responsibility and taking care of all of my part of the bills, and then some.

But I am curious -- I understand why it's seen that women working could be a challenge to raising a Godly family, but does this mean that men intend to pay for everything on their own? I myself was raised in a family in which two women worked and then became stay-at-home moms once the children came along, and the other women worked up until kids, stayed at home with them, then went back to work once the kids were old enough.

In the Christian community, is there any time when a working women is NOT seen as a feminist homewrecker, and what's the difference?

* What do modern Christian men hope to find in regards to finances in marriage? Are they hoping to find a wife who helps with the bills, or do they intend to pay for everything themselves?

* What about any debts the couple has when they marry -- vehicles, student loans, credit cards, housing, etc. Does a modern Christian husband assume responsibility to pay off these things for both himself and his wife?

* When both couple's grandparents and/or parents become older and need help -- assisted living, a nursing home, etc. -- who will pay for the costs? And if a man is the sole source of income, what happens if he loses his job, becomes disabled, or dies? Who will take care of of his family?

If you'll give me just a minute, I'm going to write a poll. The answers will be anonymous and multiple choice, but please don't let that be a substitute for a discussion here in the thread. The poll only allows for so many answers, so if you don't see your own answer, be sure to include it here because I either ran out of choices or else didn't have that particular perspective to draw from, which is why I hope you'll post it instead.

I'm interested in what people have to say about this, because as a single Christian woman who indeed works, I have often felt that Christian men might see me as the enemy for doing so, and since the all the single women I know are also working and responsibly paying down their debts, I would hope this isn't true.

P.S. I usually include an "Other" choice, but as mentioned, just ran out of options as I finished writing the answers, so please, don't let that stop you from voicing your own experiences and thoughts in a regular post.

not a gent but its something I wondered
for about 2 seconds
where are these 1950s attitudesor priveliged thinking coming from? Unless the govt is willing to help out new mothers with paid maternity leave theres not a chance, women have ALWAYS needed to work. Even when they are unpaid! .
since when is changing nappies and cleaning house NOT work?! Who else is going to do it? The husbands? er...

For me, this matter is one of priority. Proverbs 31 clearly indicates that the wife worked. Working, however, wasn’t more important than her family.

family takes a lot of work
so its the same IMHO.

it would give me joy to be able to allow a wife not to have to work

it would also give me joy to have a wife who loves her work and has the opportunity to do it

i would feel sorrowful & unuseful to have a wife who worked while i didn't

Priority is an excellent point to bring up, because it also calls into question those, rather men or women, who become workaholics beyond regular job demands and are never there for their spouse or children.

And they will say, "Well it's because I'm providing, just like the Bible says!"

work from home, or do homework
maybe they never learnt to do it in school?

I recall my fomer boss apparently had this excuse and that is why he split from his wife
and is now running a business with his live in partner. I think because his wife did not work with him he did twice as much work and never got to see his children (he had 3) while she was at home doing the house/homework but not actually having much say in the business.

Its kinda weird that some marriages are like that. I think that both partners should either work together or agree to have their own roles that complement each other for the families sake so that its not a 'Im doing more work than you' kind of contest.

or some men think well my wife is also my maid she works for me now lol

I dont know anyone who thinks like that but maybe they are out there. If so maybe the husband pays the wife I dont know.

I dunno... I'd have to meet the woman before we could figure this out.

Is she able to hold a job, or is she disabled? Does she want to hold a job? Would she feel she was not doing her part if she did not have a job? If it came down to us making a decision about this, we would have to talk about it. But there's no way I can make a decision before I meet her.

We would also have to decide what our needs are, and differentiate them from our wants. Back in the day, food and a house was enough. Now we have all these other mandatory things they didn't have back then, like internet bill, car insurance bill, all the things we consider absolutely essential that they had never heard of back then. Which of them are real needs, and how much do we have to do to meet them? And after that, how far are we willing to go to get our wants?

sounds like a mythical wife to me...they do not exist. Even if you dont have children houses require work to maintain! . Hence 'housewife'.
The more expensive the house, the more work they require because of the mortgage unless you live in a crumbling dump which can just be bulldozed. But no husband would marry and have their wife living in a dump would they?

ok so if you are renting....the RENT still needs to be paid. Sometimes rents are even more expenisve than mortgages.

women who marry and dont work are like some mythical characters that live in a Jane Austen universe. Which does not exist anymore...the regency period is over lol

Everybody works; or they are unfulfilled.

Whether it's a missionary, employee, professional/artist, business owner, volunteer, community organizer, household organizer, raising children, housework, etc; they work.

Husband and wife are a team. In every way, or just in lots of ways, they are working on common or assisting goals, but may have different roles that may never change, or change every few minutes, depending on what God says, or situations or what they decide together.

I don't know if there are any women alive who are planning in their minds to either be a mother and housewife till the kids move out (or be a housewife if there's no kids) and then retire early, so to speak. I would imagine that never really happens because there's always work to do. I would think anyone who "retires early" would be unhappy and unfulfilled.

My mother was a mother/housewife, and when the kids went to school, she became depressed. Her physician recommended she work. She got a job and was much more fulfilled. I would assume lazy or otherwise unbalanced pleasure seekers are unfulfilled.

would be simply the wifes choice. not my call to tell her what to do. happy to be involved in discussions. make suggestions if asked. offer advice if asked.

But men are not here to Lord it over women and order them about,. men should read the scriptures that tell us what to do and how to treat our wives. ignore the scriptures that tell women how to live. leave it to them to work out their own salvation with fear and trembling. not upto us to throw scriptures at them

So men love your wives as Christ loves the church. laying down your life for her. doing all you can to give her life and life more over flowing. to bring joy to her. Think of all Christ has done for you, then try to emulate that with how you treat your wife.

if men only did this they would make a happy wife. and we all know a happy wife is a happy life.

Any spouse worth having is going to be desiring to and willing to work (there are entitled, self-absorbed people out there who think that because of their great difficulty or suffering the world owes them a living and anything given to them was only their due.... they're just toxic). But work takes many different forms and we do a disservice to those who put a lot of time and effort into caring for home and family by saying they don't work.

I think there's an argument to be made that both adults working outside the home and having their own income makes it more likely for them to think of things as mine and yours instead of ours and weakens the bond of home and family, but that's a discussion to have and certainly doesn't mean that the solution is to force women to stay at home to save our society. And life is always in flux such that there may be a time when someone has to start a new job because of increased expenses or change or quit jobs because they or a family member needs additional care. I think that's kind of how marriage works you make and constantly re-evaluate decisions together as life changes in order to build that life together. You usually don't have the luxury of making one decision and sticking to it through all the changes of life.