The Banned Game

Eagle two fomerly known as Sissy Clone was in Paris with Miss Jenny. They were opening a new branch of Jennymaesia. It seems Sissy was not a Sissy after all. He and Miss Jenny seemed to be in love. He was actually never a sissy. He was just emotionally intelligent, you know was able to identify his emotions and express them healthily. Miss Jenny liked that side to him. She did not want to waste her time arguing with a man, she was far too busy. She wanted one that was manly but was able to sit down and discuss things properly. Sissy had those qualities.

Miss Lanolin, well she was busy ruling her country plus being a godmother to the bub. She placed an add in the newspaper wanting a child whisperer, you know one who is able to read what a child is thinking. The person she gave the job to was surprisingly Eagle Two. It seems he is a natural with children. It comes from his deep desire to have been born into a normal family and not been cloned and dropped on his head. He seemed to know exactly what they were thinking and how to treat them.

Miss Ruby, well presently she was staring at a scope that seemed to know her name and accused her of spying on him. Just who was she talking to? She knew him as Mr Eyeball but who could it be?

Whoops I think I am getting my eagle one, two and threes mixed up lol.

Moses the Younger wiped a bead of sweat from his brow. "Phew!" he exclaimed out loud. "I thought I was being spied on for a moment there. The spy-er becomes the spy-ee, sort of thing. Fortunately, it was probably just a crazy kid wanting to rack up her parents' international phone bills by phoning random secret bunkers in the Mosestarian-Sector of Antarctica."

Moses the Younger shook his head affectionately. "Kids these days don't know how easy they have it," he told himself, before he realised who he was having a conversation with...

And then it happened. "Whoops I think I am getting my eagle one, two and threes mixed up lol!" exclaimed the voice of an all-too familiar arch-nemesis.

Moses the Younger almost jumped out of his skin.

Nope. Not that I picked up, anyway. ;-)

"Uhhhh, errrrr, negative, negative, errrrr, that's a negative, Station 3-4-1-5-7", he quickly replied, looking all about the room for the device that was revealing his status.

"Mr Eyeball, is that YOU?" asked the arch-nemesis, sounding very official.

"Errr, well, uhhhhh, ummmmm, yeeee-aaaaassss, I, errrrrrr, yes. Yes it is," explained the Chieftain, regaining his composure.

There was a noise from the other end that almost sounded like muffled laughter. "WHO are you, Mr Eyeball?"

"Oh, well, I, errrrr, I'm, uhhhhh....." People didn't usually ask who the Great Chieftain was, because mostly, everyone already knew. So when someone finally did ask, Moses the Younger felt a little lost for words. "Uhhhh, well, someone I'm sure you would recognise, if uhhhh - that is to say, if you could see me? Can you see me?"

Miss Ruby picked up the scope. She peered down the lens. The eye was back and this time it was talking to her. Actually he was stuttering. He seemed to be confused as to who he was. She could not see a figure, just an eye.
She called him Mr Eyeball as she did not know his name and did not recognise the voice.
As she did not have any human contact for ages she talked and talked. He could not get a word in. He had no option but to patiently listen. She told him about her island, food, dreadlocks, new outfits and so on. He definitely got an ear full.

haha laughed the Red Beanies. Monsieur Nom De Plume was on the webcam. It seemed he had forgotten that he had agreed to be part of MTV reality show which was now filming his every move and broadcasting it out into the world. Because the cameras were two way and his 'spy-o-vision' picked up everything about him. In return the Jacques Costeau Society was feeding him webcams of the Southern Oceans baby whales and dolphins which he had pledged to protect.

There hes is Madam.

President Lanolin was shocked. It was the same guy who who'd built that massive crib in Antarctica. Rachel recongnised him immediately. Oh Hes also the star of the Young and the Restless. The 'Young' guy. Wow he gets around.

It looked like Monsieur Nom De Plume was having problems with his eye. He had gone up real close to the camera that he thought was a mirror and was pulling down his eye socket like he was going to put a contact lens in. The cameras could also pick up sound and everyone heard a female voice with an Aussie accent that kept saying

'Look at moy, look at moy'

'I cant see a thing' said Monsieur Nom De Plume. 'Hold on, wait' The contact lens popped out and fell on the floor. 'Arrrgh!'

The Jennymaesian resistance was fuming over the fact that the Empress was safely back home. They were secretly meeting in a bunker near the capital to discuss their next move.

Colonel Rabbit-Hole, a man who was a veteran from the Great War against their archenemies, called the men to order. His mustache was so soaked with oil that it was shining like the stars on his uniform. His silver hair made him look like a natural born leader and the men respected him like a dog respected the head of the family. His deep voice was probably almost like the Almighty’s voice, and everything he said was the truth.

“Gentlemen”, he started, “the Empress managed to flee from the South American communists we hired. The one eyed man who had her in custody was so short sighted that he failed to recognize her”.

A mumble could be heard from the men.

“Unfortunately there are more bad news. A man only known as ‘Charles’ wiped out the entire unit. On the bright side, we don’t have to pay them”.

A bald man raised his hand. “We have some intel on him. His code name is ‘Sissy’, but rest assured, that’s the only thing sissy about him. He’s sharp as the reaper on steroids and totally merciless”.

“How are we supposed to overthrow the Empress? We’ve been at it for years now and she’s still here.”

The door opened and a female voice could be heard. “You ain’t getting nothing done cause none of you men really want to harm that doll!”

The chief of the feminine division was looking angrily at the colonel. “Leave it to us, we’ll have her gone by tomorrow. Her ‘magic’ hair and doll face don’t impress us!”

“Surely this is not a job for ladies”, the colonel said tentatively, “but as you know her security detail has been upgraded”.

“Nonsense”, the feminine chief responded, “we have our people working in her mansion, I’ll just say the word and she’s history”.

“We can’t just do that, this operation needs to be carefully planned and executed”, the colonel said in an effort to stall her.

“Now I’ll order one of our agents to take her out, and we’ll finally get rid of that woman”. The feminine leader marched out and shut the door behind her.

“Now what?” a lieutenant asked. “We must alert Ms Jenny somehow”, the colonel stuttered. “Yes”, a mediocre captain weighed in, “we just want to exile her or something.”

"Hmmmmmmm", the Great Chieftain thought to himself, when Miss Ruby finally paused to take a breath. "It seems she is in good spirits. She's definitely using the Mosestarian(TM) fast-growing hair-lotion. Not only does it restore hair, it improves morale. In women, this often has the effect of making them chattier. Miss Ruby would have her magical hair back in no-time, if not already", he nodded his head contentedly.

"But what about your all-expenses paid trip to Jennymaesia to visit Miss Jenny's beauty salon and have a complete makeover?" he asked suddenly.

"The what?" asked Miss Ruby, sounding confused.

The Great Chieftain growled. Now he was going to have to write another complaint letter. This time to the Antarctic Postal Service, about the light-fingeredness of one of their employees.

"Or perhaps..." he wondered. "Perhaps I could visit Miss Jenny's beauty salon in Jennymaesia myself, and catch the thief in the very act of enjoying the all-expenses paid trip which was intended for one of his betters..."

Mrs Hairy was going to have to change her name to Mrs Silky after she was done with the wax treatment.

Rachel and her beauty troupe had set up a day spa on the Calypso, now a floating beauty salon that was going to bring health and wellness and relaxation to impoverished islands around Jennymaesia, and she had composed an entire menu of treatments to choose from..

Shiatsu massage
threading
henna tattoos
aromatherapy
pedicure
gel nails
mane management
seaweed and sea salt scrub
mud pack full body treatment
floral mandalas mindful arrangement
tai chi

there was also a 'colour me beautiful' consultant on board.

Have you had your colours done Keisha? Asked Rachel. I think you might be a 'winter'. Im definitely a summer.

Does that mean I just wear furry clothes? As it gets cold.

Um..Rachel frowned. I dont think so. Or maybe..I dont know. Maybe Im getting it mixed up with Ayurveda.

Is President Lanolin going to come with us? She is after all, named after moisturiser. We definitely need her on board.

But then who will look after Lanolinland?

They all looked to Miss Greenlips Hine.

The Great Chieftain's flight arrived in Jennymaesia. He preferred to use commercial flights, because there were all manner of interesting people to meet on them. Would-be-terrorists in flowing, white robes; long-bearded chaps in black with those funny little skull caps; grumpy, round-bellied, middle-aged foreign women who resented providing access to the window seat and once so obliged, would grumble in strange dialects... This time, he hadn't much of a choice, as Mordecai, Tzipora and Bubba were still stuck who-knew-where. Probably, he would have had a better idea of where, if his "smart" phone had more memory, and he didn't have to keep deleting their messages in order to conserve it.

As he descended the mobile stairway and entered the Jennymaesian airport, two attractive Jennymaesian women approached him. Both were wearing the uniform of the Jennymaesian Feminine Division (JFD). The Feminine Division was an area he was by no means a leading expert in, but he was always very interested to learn more.

"Sir", the more senior of the uniformed ladies hailed him. "We would like you to come with us."

The Great Chieftain nodded his approval. "Ma'am, I would be delighted," he answered.

The junior of the uniformed ladies gave a questioning glance to her superior, who ignored it, and started leading the way. The Great Chieftain followed, with the junior officer trailing behind him. After about 10 minutes walk, the trio arrived at the Jennymaesian Feminine Division Special Purpose Operations Terminal.

As he was led through the double doors separating the General Operations Airport Terminal area from the JFD Special Purpose Operations Terminal, the Great Chieftain couldn't help but be impressed at the design and aesthetics of the place. For one thing, it felt - it smelled - cleaner, fresher, organic, even alive. The paint scheme adorning the walls - pinks, and fuchsias and even the odd purple here and there - although not one he would have chosen, was one that his eyes never tired of. The curvature of the wall art colours gently blurring into each other was also matched by the softness and comfort of the furniture.

The Great Chieftain, taking in as much of the atmosphere of the place as he could, had almost forgotten his reason for visiting Jennymaesia, when he was interrupted by another voice. A third lady in a JFD uniform, this one standing behind a smoothly curving counter, smiled at him, and asked for his identification.

"I'm sorry, Charles, but this is a formality. We just need to check your identification details, for security purposes. Can't ever be too careful where the Empress is concerned, now, can we?" The new lady smiled at the Chieftain again, as the two who had escorted him to the Special Purpose Operations Terminal stood aside dutifully, if somewhat awkwardly.

"I'm sorry, ma'am. Charles?" asked the Chieftain.

The lady nodded, and smiled again.

"My name is Moses," the Chieftain replied, a puzzled look on his face at one so infamous being mistaken for somebody else. "I can't think of a single individual of any merit named Charles", he thought aloud to himself.

It appeared Moses' confusion was contagious, as a similar expression could now be seen on the faces of each of the three JFD officers.

"I'm sorry, sir, but are you sure your name isn't Charles?" asked the JFD officer behind the counter again.

The Great Chieftain began to realise, with a sinking feeling, that perhaps all was not as it had first appeared in Jennymaesia.

Miss Ruby had finished explaining her year on the island to the stranger on the other end of the scope. He didn't seem to talk much. She just heard "hmmmm, yes, ok and ummmm" Perhaps he was hard of hearing, so she amped up her voice. It was exhausting.
She placed her hand on her head and she felt hair. It seemed that as she was doing all the chatting, her hair magically grew. It was a real miracle. She screamed with delight right into the scope.

Poor man on the other end would have heard it all. She grabbed her long locks and they were so smooth like flowing silk. She loved the feel of it, but as she looked at her hair it was not her normal dark colour. It was blonde!!

She gasped. The potion she rubbed on her head must have contained some type of bleach. She did not know what to do.
"Well" she said trying to make sense of it. "They say blondes have more fun"

Business at Megs Pegs Legs and Wigs was booming now that it had gone online.
This was because Harry was appointed instagrammer and now constantly feeding it with shots of his wife trying on every single outfit.

The Jennymaesian wigs were also a runaway bestseller.

The Shittimstan export economy had never looked better.

Husbands are now buying their wives clothes! Gushed Megs on her Tig blog. They never did so before, in the past they left them to grovel and wanted them to wear as few clothes as possible. But now every ragdoll can be a Princess.

Invest in your new wardrobe today. Wrote Megs. For every dollar you spend, a little girl in Shittimstan gets to wear a pretty brand new dress.

“Whoever is that?” A crisp, yet feminine voice echoed through the hall. The three uniformed ladies of the feminine division clearly felt uneasy about the new voice that in a second would materialize through the door. They had good reasons for feeling uneasy. The 6’2” woman towering before them was hurling insults describing their incompetence in the department of pinning down a target. “You no good crooked raccoons. I’m gonna make y’all regret it. Every single one of you. Now, report to the useless colonel Rabbit-Hole, and tell him y’all are eligible for every graveyard shift for the rest of the decade!” They left without a word.

“And Mr Moses, I can’t express in words what an embarrassment this incident is. Please accept our heartfelt apologies and we really hope that you will enjoy your stay here. Those three clowns thought you were another person”.

The Chieftain nodded emphatically and went to see where his suitcase was to be found. He grabbed a cab and instructed the driver to take him to “Ms Jenny’s”.

“Aah”, the driver chuckled, “you’re one of those guys into female fashion? I took a guy down there a couple of weeks back, you know, he was looking just like you.” The driver eyed him suspiciously. “Maybe it was you?”

The chieftain gave him a stare as cold as the eternally ice covered mountains of the Antarctica. The driver stuttered. “N-no, it sure ain’t you. He had these mild eyes”. Not another word was spoken before the driver said. “It’s here, $10, please”.

The Chieftain noticed Ms Jenny’s slogan. An enormous picture of the Empress, perfectly doctored with the subtitle “If we can’t help you, you don’t need help!”

The subconscious message was that unless you looked like a manipulated picture of the Empress, you needed help, and a ton of it. To a reasonable price for people making seven digits a year.

The Chieftain entered the boutique. “May I help you, sir?” A lovely young lady appeared before him. Then she giggled. “Oh, Mr Charles, I didn’t recognize you at first.”

The chieftain realized that he and “Mr Charles” somehow looked the same. Interesting.

It was moving in day as Santa's Russian Icebreakers were reaching antarctica. The Norwegian keepers of the seedvault had a sublease on one part of the fort and Santa had taken over the other secret wing, as part of the SSSS- Southern Secret Santa Stash. The third part was the Ice hotel and the surrounding area would soon become the Christmas Wonderland Dreampark and Tip Top Ice creamery, due to open in December

The chieftain had finally left his bolt hole vacant with no fixed date of return and taken all his eaglettes with him. All that was left in the crib was some blue cheese and 50 television screens all showing the Baby Shark Youtube video on repeat.

Dame Edna was delighted and started decorating her suite in the ice hotel with tinsel and baubles. Our home away from home darling, cooed Edna to Santa. My possums are getting on fabulously with the Emperor penguins. And they all look very smart in their tuxedos.

Santa Claus could only agree. However Santa still wore his red suit as he didnt want to get lost in the crowd of adoring fans.

Miss Ruby combed her now long blonde locks and tried on one of the new outfits. She was all dressed up with nowhere to go.
She walked to her satellite dish, picked up the scope and spoke into it.
"Mr Eyeball, are you there" No answer. She pointed the scope in a different direction and peered into it. She could not believe her eyes. By moving the direction of the scope from east to west she had landed her view on Rubyland, the land where she was born. The land that was governed by her up until a year ago. It was in complete ruins.
She focused the scope and was able to view her ex mansion now inhabited by the drunken Tommy Hulk. She was able to peer inside and saw him slumped over the lounge chair many bottles of wine surrounding him. He looked like he was sound asleep.
She gasped in disgust. Her ancestors especially Grandma Rubina would be turning in their graves.
She concluded she needed to leave her beautiful island, make her way back to Rubyland and get rid of the Hulk and resume her reign as Empress Ruby, ruler of Rubyland. Loved by the population of Rubinians.
But how to get there she wondered?

"I, errrr, you may call me Moses."

The lovely young lady seemed puzzled, similar to the other ladies from the JFD. "Ha, ha. If you want me to call you Mr Moses, sir, well, Mr Moses it is!" The girl smiled again, but the Great Chieftain could tell this smile was less sincere.

"So, Mr Moses, who will you be seeing today?"

The Great Chieftain smiled broadly, and the young lady noticed he had a gold tooth, that seemed to wink briefly that although the Chieftain was out to get someone, that someone wasn't her.

The pretty young girl suddenly came to the realisation was that Mr Charles was either in a totally different mental state to how he'd ever been before - or this man was not him, 'though identical in appearance.

"I'm errr, just going to watch for now, if that's alright, thank you?" the Chieftain asked the girl.

"Of course, Mr Cha- Mr Moses", the girl corrected herself. Miss Jenny's boutiques enforced a strict "no gawking at patrons" policy, but it was a little confusing for the poor girl when someone who was the spitting image of the second-in-charge asked her if he could break one of his own rules.

Moses the Younger picked up one of the magazines from the centre table, and started leafing through it. "Boring, boring, boring," he thought. "Fake hair, fake this, fake those, fake that... Why can't anybody embrace their own unique ugliness anymore?"

To be fair, the magazine really was encouraging beauty moreso than any fakery, but sometimes, when someone's mind is already made up about a subject, that someone sees what he believed he was going to see, even though he doesn't actually see it. This was one such occasion with the Great Chieftain, and before he really had any time to think about it, Santa Claus - of all people - together with a gnarled and wretched looking woman who must have been at least a century old - or had lived a very, very, very difficult life - Baba Yaga's long-lost mother was Moses' first guess - entered the boutique.

"May I help you, please?" asked the lovely young lady at the counter.

Santa and Baba Yaga's mother seemed like they had guilty consciences. "We're here to redeem our all-expenses paid ticket to Jennymaesia, to visit Miss Jenny's beauty salon and have a complete makeover", explained the two thieves, as they stared at the floor guiltily.

All of a sudden, the Great Chieftain realised where he'd seen the likeness of the female accomplice before. "The Empress of Lanolinland..... Could it be? But no..... Would even she stoop so low? Judging by all the politicial propaganda, anything was possible... But now, would it be wise to cause a diplomatic incident in Jennymaesia by apprehending the villains in the act?" he wondered.

Dame Edna watched the Baby Shark video for the 50th time until she remmebered all the words. The possums loved it.

Then one of the screens turned to flicker to MTV...Mosestarian television, It was badly shot and it seemed like it was following the final episodes of the Young and the Restless.

It looked like they had run out of plots and were so desperate that they had resorted to the 'bring the characters back from the dead' trick and 'long lost identical twin' trope. Or in this case, identical triplet clones.

What, have they run out of actors? Dame Edna mused.

The Restless part was played by a Jennymae lookalike wearing a red wig.

Then there came a dream sequence which was also awful as it showed grainy security camera footage of customers entering a beauty salon for a 'makeover'. Who gets their makeovers done on tv? Isnt that for BEHIND the scenes in the green room or off camera? Still, the actors badly caricatured Santa and the Dame like Spitting Image puppets.

My goodness! Well I suppose imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Remarked Edna. Everyone wants to be us! she said to Santa, who looked up from one of the lazyboy chairs. By his coffee table he had some carrots and cookies and milk. They had been thoughtfully left there by the house penguins who were now in charge of the Ice hotel.

Edna waved her magic wand and switched the Young and the Restless back to showing the Baby Shark video.

Handy little device this, said Edna. Dear Camilla gave it to me.

Santa Claus noted that magic wands topped the lists for most wanted gift this Christmas

Miss Ruby thought long and hard on how to get off the island and decided she needed to contact the clones in the hope that they would send one of their jets to fly her off Eden Island and back to Rubyland. She typed up an email to them.

Dear Clones,

I am in dire need. I need one of your jets to pick me up from Eden Island and fly me to my former country Rubyland to kick out that ruthless loser Tommy Hulk. My dear grandmother Rubina would be turning in her grave if she saw the ruinous heap it has become. It was once a land of flowers, chocolates and used tyres but alas it is now a land of wine bottles and beer cans. You see that ruthless loser has made my country of fine Rubinians into drunken slobs and I cannot stand it any longer. I must return and sort things out. Payment will be the best pizza's you could eat. Please let me know if you can be of assistance.

Kind regards

Empress Ruby

She pressed send and waited eagerly for their reply.