The Banned Game

Rachel was preparing some wheatgrass smoothie in her bulimbaby machine which was now reverted back to being a nutribullet.

You need to add some ginseng spice to it or it will taste rather bland, said Lanolin.

Keisha asked what is the difference between Spirulina and wheatgrass?

Rachel said that she dyed her hair green with spirulina.

What? I thought it was just a reaction from swimming in the old Beehive pool.

well yes admitted Rachel, I kinda poured all the spirulina in there.

The nutribullets pulsed. The wheatgrass smoothies were for Jennymae's new clients, including Miss Ruby, whos hair needed intensive care.

What's taking Miss Ruby so long? I still need to interview her about her magic mascara wands. I wonder what her secret ingredient is that makes it waterproof. Everybody will be asking for them this christmas Im sure.

Miss Tzipora arrived on the scene just in time to hear Miss Ruby's accusations against her. Mordecai was with her, wearing a pilot's dark sunglasses. Everyone who wasn't wearing cucumber slices or dark sunglasses gazed admiringly at the newcomer's perfect shape. Even the Great Chieftain's favourite arch-nemesis, E-Ruby, had to grudgingly admit that caring for little Bubba had already improved Tzipora's figure by about 20%.

At the commotion, the Great Chieftain decided to remove his cucumber slices. He knew it put the receptionist's job at risk, but he figured that with all the agitation, the receptionist would be able to smooth things over with Miss Jenny by citing extenuating circumstances, if it came down to it.

On removal of his cucumber slices, the Great Chieftain was at once both elated and upset. He was elated to see his long, lost Japovian warrioress, who he thought he had lost to the ravages of motherhood. She glowed as if with some ancient magic, and although he couldn't quite put his finger on it, he guessed that she was somehow about 20% more beautiful than when he had last laid eyes on her. But he was upset by the sad, watery look in her eyes, and the clone - Eagle Three - whom she had raised from a test-tube, and his reference to her as a "wicked step mother!"

"Eagle Three!" the Great Chieftain exclaimed crossly. "Show some respect to your female parent." The Chieftain had felt obliged to use the words "female parent" rather than step-mother, because everyone knows that step-mothers do have quite a poor reputation when it comes to being wicked, and he didn't want to lend any credence to Eagle Three's accusation.

"But she dropped us on our heads when we were babies!" Eagle One chimed in whinily.

"It was for the best!" the Chieftain explained. "Or would you have preferred to end up like the Empress of Lanolinland's... manservant...? His head is perfectly round and unbumped - like an emu's egg - but do you think he will ever be a real man?"

The chief of the Lanolin paparazzi exclaimed "Cut!" because he didn't want to record any footage that would be damaging to the Empress Lanolin's reputation, or that of her escort. At the Great Chieftain's words, Eagle One and Eagle Three reluctantly stared at the floor in agreement. For all her faults, Tzipora had raised them with love, which was more than they could say for Empress Lanolin and her ward. And Charles did seem to have struck gold as a result of his bumping.

"What about my organs?" exclaimed the wise and somewhat intimidating arch-nemesis of Rubyland, the great Empress E-Ruby, with her hands on her hips. "If Miss Tzipora is all love and butterflies, why did she pay the McGown regime to have my organs removed?"

At this, the Great Chieftain couldn't give an answer. Tzipora turned to face her accuser.

"I know how the Great Chieftain respects you, Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland. I also knew that the Incredible Tommy - a.k.a. Marxist McGown - was intending to murder you, steal your pizza empire, rewrite himself into your family history as a long-lost grandson of the late great, great, great, great Grandma Rubina, and feed your deceased body to the family of the organism to which he is parasite to..."

The clones and E-Ruby and the Great Chieftain exchanged disgusted glances. They all knew Marxist McGown was a parasite - they just didn't know to what depraved, parasitic depths he had plumbed.

"So your payment to preserve my organs?" pressed the arch-nemesis.

"Your ignoble death - and particularly, the re-writing of your family history and destiny to be eaten by the ugliest worms known to man - would have done terrible psychological damage to our Great Chieftain. He has always fancied you as some sort of arch-nemesis and equal; the Winter to his Summar, the spoon to his fork, the saddle to his horse, etc... By offering the contemptible McGown a princely sum for your preserved organs, I not only postponed your imminent execution, but, had the clones failed to rescue you, I would have been able to have you expertly mummified and mounted..."

"Although this would not have helped you, such an ending would have provided our Great Chieftain with some sense of meaning to your end."

The Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland frowned suspiciously. The Great Chieftain smiled cheerfully. "My dearest warrioress, you mean you did all that for me?"

Tzipora nodded, and the Great Chieftain decided to use that moment to make his escape back to his secret Antarctic bunker, with one arm around his faithful cousin and the other around his faithful warrioress, still holding the contented Bubba to her bosom.

"Hmph!!!!" said Miss Ruby. "I have never liked that Japovian warrioress"
"She is like a thorn in my flesh, a busybody and an enemy. But I have bigger fish to fry first. I must get rid of that drunken slob Tommy, regain my ruling over Rubyland and then I will attend to Miss Tziporah the great (not)."
The three clones nodded in agreement. They too had a distaste for the warrioress.
"Miss Ruby, I have an idea" Sissy spoke. "Once you regain your rightful ruling over Rubyland. Why dont we lure the wicked stepmother for a makeover she will never forget. She will enter as a beauty and exit as Shrek. Even Mrs Hairy will be considered more beautiful than her."
Miss Ruby nodded in agreement, after all she was responsible for her organ robbery, dropped the clones on their heads, cut off Miss Jenny's beautiful mane, put her mother in a mental institution, stole Miss Lanolins guinea pigs and poisoned Mrs Hairy's bananas. It was time she reaped what she sowed.

Sir Peter Jackson started production on his passion project and had sent out scouts ahead for location shots. Dame Edna had tipped him off about an ice cold mountain suitable for filming in Antarctica and was preparing to host the filming crew in a separate wing of the newly renovated ice hotel.

They were to arrive in a few days before the big ice melt cut everyone off, and stay until filming was finished around the beginning of December.

Lets roll, said Sir Peter to his crew. He who must not be named will be there and we can film him once hes undergone wardrobe and makeup with the Weta Workshop. They took several drones on board the icebreaker they affectionately christened 'Titanic 2' and sailed to the shores of Antarctica.

Miss Greenlips Hine now had instas of Tommy Hulk in a gorilla suit appearing every six hours on her feed. He was clutching his Academy Award and giving the peace sign.
Wow he looks like an improved version of Mr Hairy. I wonder why Rachel dropped him?

She next moved on to settling the Lanolinland budget for the year and noticed an invoice that was still unpaid that was sent to Ms Tzipora. hmm its nearing the 20th of the month and still not cleared. If its not paid we'll need to send the debt collectors .

Miss Greenlips Hine frowned. Godmama Lanolin was too kind to offer her nursery to bubba. I mean what terrible parents just dump their daughter in the ocean. Ms Tzipora didnt even thank us for looking after Bubba who surely would have died from exposure. And the dad, what a piece of work he is, trying to justify himself with every lame excuse. Ugh it makes me sick to my stomach.

After making a kawakawa tea to calm herself down, Miss Greenlips Hine decided to call on her appointed debt collectors, the Rubyland sharks.

In a well hidden cellar somewhere between a rock and a hard place, a meeting of the century took place two minutes to midnight. Gathered around a mensa rotunda an angry ensemble of enemies of the Japovian princess debated how to get even with her. “I say tar and feathers”, Ms Jenny declared. She was originally from a place where the legal system somehow had been enforced by vigilante law whenever the citizens wasn’t pleased with the liberal mishaps jurors and judges were prone to commit whenever turning the bad guys loose.

“We don’t concur”, clone #1 and #3 said in unison. “We want that evil, no good, mom alike parody of a stepmom to swing come dawn!”

“Good Heavens”, Charles said in his posh UK accent. Ms Jenny had always wondered about how he had achieved his accent. Mosestaria wasn’t known for posh accents, neither was Jennymaesia, apart from some pockets of the capital. “I have to say that we cannot treat our stepmother in a cruel and unusual manner”, he continued, “I still think a makeover would do the trick”.

“Yeah, me too”, Ms Ruby said with a hint of a doubt in her voice. To be frank, what she really wanted was sending her back to the sunken kingdom of Japovia.

They finally agreed on the makeover, but both Ms Jenny and the clones weren’t happy about it.

Rachel Hunter finally met up with Miss Ruby and got the interview she wanted for her Tour of Beauty show.
Miss Ruby! So nice to finally meet you at last in person you already look gorgeous!

Miss Ruby smiled with her signature juicy watermelon lip gloss and batted her (unmascaraed) eyelashes. She was going to demonstrate in front of the cameras how to apply her magic mascara.

First you must open your mouth wide like this...

and then...be super careful you DONT poke your eyes out

Miss Ruby waved her magic mascara wand in front of her eyes three times.

Voila!

Miss Ruby's eyelashes were instantly transformed.

Weta workshop crew were loading their containers on to the Titanic 2, which had plenty of tenders/lifeboats as well, plus all the equipment to deal with any wardrobe malfunction and emergency.

Have you got the tar, feathers and slime?

Yes, Sir Peter

How about toilet paper. Make sure we dont run out.

Yes Sir Peter

Excellent. And all the costumes from the Star Wars movies I picked up from that auction.

Yes Sir Peter

anything Ive missed?

We still need a magic wand Sir Peter.

Santa Claus was having some issues with. his naughty list.

One name kept coming up over and over. He shared his concerns with his wife. This boy seems never to learn from his mistakes and if he keeps on like this his name is going to blotted out forever. Hes had nearly 480 misdeamenaours and crimes so far this year and im afraid that is more than the entire population of the capital city of Lanolinland combined.


What are his crimes?

coveting Rubyland
worshipping himself
bearing false witness to Lanolinland
denying fellowship
commiting adultery with Japovians
killing endangered species
stealing babies
polluting the southern ocean
seducing Jennymaesia
taking the Lords name in vain and calling himself 'chieftain'
eating unclean foods
not washing his hands
self-righteous bragging
snobbery
ignoring the poor amongst him
inhospitality

among other things

Thats quite a list dear. what did this boy ask for?

Oh just that all the kingdoms of the world were his, that he be made invincible, and that he could eat frozen pizza everyday

It was decided, Tziporah would receive a make over that she would never forget. No longer will she grace the front cover of all the gossip magazines but rather magazines such as "do you believe in ufo's and anything alien"
Miss Jenny, Lanolin, Ruby, Charles and the other two clones roared with laughter.
Miss Ruby had a brilliant idea so she announced it to the others. "Since we all feel that the Tziporah's makeover is not sufficient punishment for all the evil she has done, why dont we combine that with dumping her on Eden Island. An off grid island where she will have no access to electricity, so she wont be able to use a hairdryer or anything else electrical. And to make it even worse we can dump the drunken slob Tommy Hulk there to be her only other companion. He will just drink himself silly and we all know how much she hates alcohol"
Miss Jenny, Lanolin and the three clones all looked at each other in horror. Charles declared taking a vote.
"Hands up who is in agreement with this punishment"
Slowly one by one each of their hands were raised voting an unanimous "YES"

The CEO of tip top icecreamery was putting the finishing touches to the final trumpets factory line adjacent to the new Christmas Wonderland Dream park.

What do we do with all these frozen pizzas? Asked one of the bean counters.

What frozen pizzas? This is an icecream factory! Why would you freeze pizzas?

er...I have no idea but it seems like we have a stockpile of them left by the previous tenant.

Has Hell frozen over? Who in their right mind eats frozen pizzas?!

Uh, people that dont know how to cook? I dunno.

Well, I dont think Pizza flavoured icecream will ever take off. Ever.

why not just send them straight to Hell to be incinerated. We cant save those tasteless frozen pizzas.

The unanimous sentence was not overridden by the appeal court (which, by the way, was made up by the very same members who had just sentenced the “gracious” Ms Tizzy) and was effective immediately. The concept of fair trial was held in high regard by the special court.

There was only one problem. Ms Tizzy was very absent. Despite the special court’s good intentions there was no way of making an arrest in Mosestaria.

His Royal Highness Duke Charles weighed in. “Clearly we have to utilize methods beyond the frames of bilateral treaties”. Ms Jenny and Ms Ruby nodded in agreement. The clones as well. President Lanolin suggested a full blown propaganda campaign painting a picture of Ms Tizzy as an old vindictive hag.

“I’m afraid we have to engage into business with a bounty hunter”, His Royal and so forth Charles suggested. “I think I have someone in mind. What’s the name of the Shittimistan ruler?”

The Great Chieftain and his ever loyal cousin were quite exhausted after the morning's efforts. The two Mosestarians, together with Tzipora and Bubba, had arrived back to their secret bunker/fortress on Petermann Island in Antarctica, to find it had been desecrated by sadistic vandals. Not only had the vandals interfered with the local gentoo penguin population, dressing them in unseemly colours and costumes, they had repainted the interior of the fortress from its respectable white, into all manner of inappropriate shades and hues of the rainbow and beyond.

The food supplies had been raided and spoiled, and the privacy of the Great Chieftain violated - a personal note, which he was in two minds about sending to his Rubyland arch-nemesis, was lying open on the floor, its confidential content revealing the Great Chieftain's feelings - wide open and exposed to the uncaring public who might have been holidaying in Antarctica and happened upon the secret base. Indeed, the only solace the Great Chieftain could take in the whole sorry affair was that the thieves had also saw fit to steal his Gideons Bible. It was a special edition Gideons Bible as it also had come with an Old Testament - King James Version, of course. He'd had to write an official complaint to the Gideons International as the bible he'd originally borrowed/appropriated only came with a New Testament, and Psalms and Proverbs. After much correspondence back and forth between the Great Chieftain and the Gideons Society, and threats of public exposure that the Gideons might be distributing a "much-truncated" version of the scriptures, the society had finally deemed it prudent and expeditious to address the tenacious complainant with an unabridged copy of the entire bible. The Great Chieftain hoped the thieves would read the passage on stealing. "Probably also they could do with reading the passage on "not coveting thy neighbour's *ss or his manservant", judging by their choice of colour scheme..." he thought to himself.

The beautiful warrioress Tzipora had also been busy. She had been organising new supplies for the outpost, as she knew Mosestarian men came with man-sized hungers. She smiled lovingly at the contented Bubba sleeping in her arms. "Although", she thought to herself, "at least the smallest of the men was yet still easily satisfied when it came to meals."

Her contented thoughts were short-lived, when she heard Mordecai calling from the other room.

The International Spy Vision screen had been hastily re-installed, and her heart sank as she watched some sort of trial scene on the display. There was Miss Jenny, Lanolin, the Great Chieftain's Arch-Nemesis - whose organs Tzipora had saved by her bribe to the McGown government - and the three clones, all pronouncing judgement over her, for crimes she did never commit.

"Explain to me again, my beautiful warrioress, what is it they find so threatening about you? Anatomically, you are the same as they... I mean, of course, the Empresses. And possibly Eagle Two," began the Great Chieftain.

"The clones, I can partially understand. Perhaps they view you as a different species. One to be exploited, maligned, conquered. Although I must say I find it disappointing that your raising them and caring from them from the test-tubes counts for naught. But the females... Is it because they are jealous of you? Is it your prowess in battle? Your beauty?"

"Oh Great Chieftain," Tzipora smiled through her sadness at the trial judgement. "You are wise and astute, like a stout stick poking through the swine's trough to rout out the hiding place of the shrewd rat, yes, it is jealousy that makes these otherwise fine nemeses behave in the way that they do. But not jealousy because of my beauty, my lineage, or even my battle prowess..."

"Oh?" asked the Great Chieftain bewildered. "Then what could the focus of their jealousy possibly be?"

"You, oh Great Chieftain," explained the warrioress, "Are the Most Beautiful Man alive."

The Great Chieftain screwed up his nose a little. "I uhhhh, don't know if I'd describe myself quite like that. Although..." he added, "Mordecai is quite handsome. Do you think..."

Mordecai nodded his agreement.

"It is true," interrupted Tzipora. "They are jealous of me, because of you."

"Well, is there anything I could do?" asked the Chieftain. "Perhaps a few more scars, or less hair? What if I started wearing scruffier clothes?"

"I could help him?" volunteered Mordecai. "I would teach him to be more like me, and less like him."

The warrioress smiled. "Well, scars are good, and a simple hair cut is practical. And your dress sense is already about a century behind the times... But no... What makes you beautiful is your heart..."

The Great Chieftain yawned inwardly. He didn't really want to explore this conversation any further. Whether it was some subversive plot by Tzipora to further infuriate her accusers, or whether she really believed all the lovey-dovey nonsense she was talking about, he couldn't tell for certain. Fortunately, at that moment, something occurred to divert the conversation to something of greater interest.

An advert from the Lanolinland Propaganda machine flashed across the International Spy Vision, and showed some old guy called Peter Jackson taking several drones aboard an icebreaker that had been affectionately christened 'Titanic 2', and sailing to the shores of Antarctica.

"Christened?" exclaimed Tzipora. "They christened that ice breaker."

Moses and Mordecai shrugged. "Well, it is a ship?" he asked.

Tzipora frowned. "If the Titanic 2 is travelling to our fair shores, I think its only reasonable that the vessel be properly baptised..."

“Ms Tizzy wants to baptize the Titanic 2”, Ms Jenny exclaimed worriedly, “and y’all know what that means in Southern Baptist terms?”

His Royal etc Charles got on his feet so abruptly that his chair took a lot of beating before its voyage finale ended against the concrete wall. “We must inform the captain of that vessel! Who’s captain?”

Ms Jenny sighed. “Unfortunately the vessel is under the command of the (very) seasoned Captain D. J. Trump this month. Next month the even more seasoned Captain J. R. Biden is in command. Also very unfortunate. The vessel will probably be christening itself Baptist style long before Ms Tizzy gets a chance to lay her sneaky fingers on it.”

Ms Jenny, may I interrupt, said President Lanolin.

I dont know where you getting your intelligence from but you are going about this entirely the wrong way. Ms Tizzys ego is so big that she will be FLATTERED by having someone comissioned to do an oil painting of her. I suggest book her into Oprah Winfrey where she can spill her guts out on international tv herself.
It will surely satisfy the masses. Besides, Lord Shittim hardly ever responds to his emails.

Ms Jennys eyebrows went up. Her long cherished plan involving extortion and violence seem thwarted.

Also, regarding Titanic 2. The vessel is registered under Captain James Cameron in Belfast and Southhampton. I dont believe it his ever been to Florida. Its an icebreaker. I dont know who Captain Trump and Captain J R Biden are but those are the facts. In fact right now its on its way to Antarctica carrying a load of giant wetas. I have confirmation from the Captain Cousteau of the Calypso.

Ms Jenny was nonplussed. She had been deserately hoping to involve those two men (Trump and Biden) in a rescue mission for some time now. Their very names promised salvation to her but it seemed she was mistaken.

I wouldnt put my faith in them said President Lanolin, laying a hand on Ms Jennys shoulder. There is only one name by whom anyone may be saved.

Ms Jenny did not seem to believe Lanolin. So she put a zoom meeting in to the Calypso so they could all chat to Captain Calypso and his crew.

Yes we have met Monsieur Nom De Plumes tyrannical mother/minder said the Red Beanies.

Unfortunatley for us, she was under extreme religious delusion. She thought we were JWS. She also assumed President Lanolin was Anglican. But as far as we know the Southern Baptists actually never made it to the Southern Hemisphere, let alone Antarctica. If they tried to baptise anyone there, they would immediately turn into an icicle.

Miss Ruby confirmed that was what happened when water reached below freezing in Antarctica. She had already done it herself.

Lanolin said that she was sure Dame Edna was a confirmed Anglican as she had heard she had recently visited the royal family. But as for herself when she got saved and born again it was not in the church of England. And when she got water baptised it was just in a plain old baptist church pool in the suburb of her hometown in Lanolinland.

Lanolin said with cultists, they really needed to be 'deprogrammed' by replacing lies with the truth.

Ms Tizzy is a hard work, but it might be possible. She seems inordinatley fond of a prophet she names Moses, but we just need to show her Hebrews 3:1-6

Ms Jenny brushed her hair angrily. The long, red hair resisted her attempts to make it look fairly acceptable. In fact, it was like a mean spirit had possessed her hair and now wanted to make sure she looked like a train wreck at the upcoming reception for the heroines of the great city of Jennyville, the capital of Jennymaesia.

The President of Lanolinland had presented an alternative solution to the Ms Tizzy case. It didn’t really matter what they did, Ms Tizzy would be absent for as long as she stayed in Mosestaria. Ugly rumors originating from the same Ms Tizzy’s unsealed lips also was accusing Ms Jenny and Ms Ruby of being jealous of Ms Tizzy. How rude! This could easily ascend to a diplomatic havoc. Why couldn’t that woman just admit that she was responsible for everything bad in the world?

“May I suggest something, my dear?” Charles poured them both some sweet iced tea. “Why don’t we forget about Ms Tizzy? She’s just one of the Mosestarian pawns. Let them dwell in Antarctica.”

Ms Jenny realized that he was right. But why had the Chieftain been paying her boutique a visit? Maybe they were scheming to prepare a hostile takeover?

“My dear”, Charles continued, “the Chieftain and Ms Tizzy are well versed in the art of divide et impera.” He was gesticulating eagerly trying to explain how those two power hungry individuals always were successful in getting their adversaries to hate each other.

Charles was always the man who knew what to do, Ms Jenny reminded herself. Without him she would have made a mess out of this controversy.

Rachel Hunter next tour of Beauty interview was with Ms Jennymae about her lipstick empire.

Can we verify that the Ruby Red Lipstick transforms your lips into only speaking the truth? And stops any liar in their tracks by sticking their lips together so they become dumb?

Ms Jennymae glanced Rachels green hair and wondered where this line of inquiry was leading. Had the green hair done something to her brain? Or was it a wig. She looked at Charles who was by her side for reassurance. He only said that is a rather a leading question...

I heard it from the guinea pigs who tested these lipsticks and amazingly they all found their voice. They are now speaking up #justiceforguineapigs said Rachel

You heard it from...the guinea pigs? They could talk? Ms Jennymae felt she had to lie down. Either Rachel was off her rocker or Ms Jennymae was hearing voices.

Of course they can! Why else would you test lipsticks on them?

"Preposterous" said Miss Jenny. Ever since Charles came to work for her, her vocabulary had changed to posh to match Charles.
"Ridiculous" said Miss Ruby angrily.
"Loser" said Miss Lanolin, always straight to the point.
It was the three Empress's reaction to Tzipora saying that they were jealous of her. The three Empress's were beautiful, regal and admired by all. Why would they be jealous of a Japovian warioress who came from the sunken land of Japovia. A land that once was but is no more.
"I dont know what the Chieftan sees in that woman" Miss Jenny stated as she looked to the clones who knew the Chieftan more so than anybody else.
"He is infatuated with her looks" replied Charles. "So much so that he has failed to look inside" Charles said sorrowfully.
The Empress's shook their heads.
"What made her so wicked?" Miss Ruby asked. "Was it hanging around the Chieftan"
"Well you do know that her mother is insane" replied Eagle Three.
"What about her father" asked Lanolin.
"Her father is unknown" replied Eagle Three.
"Perhaps we should research who her father is" Miss Jenny said. "Maybe that will give us a clue as to why she is so, unpleasant to say the least" Miss Jenny said.
Charles who was very good on the computer started the research and within half an hour he had the answer they were all eagerly waiting for.
Poor Charles having looked up ancestors. com went white in the face. "I found out who her father is" announced Charles shaking.
"Who!!" they all asked in unison.
"It is Joe Biden" stammered Charles.
The three Empress's fainted. Charles managed to catch Miss Jenny. Miss Lanolin was caught by Eagle Three and Miss Ruby fell back on the couch she was already seated on.
"What!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" they all screamed when they recovered.
"And what are all these notes with my name on them and insulting comments written on them, that I have been collecting each scene?" Miss Ruby enquired.