~Chuckle for the Day~

wow the gal pumping gas was one of my step sisters

time to fire congress

'Alan decided to go skiing with his buddy, Chris.
So, they loaded up Alan's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So, they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Alan said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Alan got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on their skiing weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Chris and asked, "Chris, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our skiing holiday about 9 months ago?"

'Yes, I do,' said Chris.
'Did you get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, yes!' Chris said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Chris's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.!!'
____________________________
'And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?

Reminds me of a song my dad used to sing:

My sister fell out the window
We thought that her head would be split
But instead of her skull meeting concrete
She fell in a puddle of...

Shaving cream
Be nice and clean
Shave every day
And you'll always be clean

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

>> DOLPHIN TRAINER
>>
>> An elderly man rear ends a guy driving an expensive sports car.
>>
>> Enraged, the guy hops out of his car and confronts the old man. “Look
>> what you did to my car” he yells. You’re gonna give me $10,000 right
>> now or I’m gonna beat you to a bloody pulp!”
>>
>> “Oh my” says the old man, I don’t have that kind of money. Let me
>> call my son, he trains dolphins and he’ll know what to do."
>>
>> "Dolphins", the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes. The old
>> man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as the son answers,
>> the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man.
>>
>> "So, YOU’RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, your old man here just rear
>> ended my car and I need ten grand right now or I’m gonna beat you AND
>> your old man to a bloody pulp".
>>
>> "I’ll be there in 10 minutes, says the voice calmly on the other end".
>>
>> Exactly ten minutes later a jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and
>> proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a bloody heap on the
>> side of the road.
>>
>> When he’s finished, he walks over to his father and says:
>>
>> “For the LAST TIME Dad... I train SEALS... NAVY SEALS... NOT dolphins.”
>>

I would had sent a whole seal team to have him for dinner.

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------------
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------------
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------
Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------------
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife
And Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya' think?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works better than a fair trial!
----------------------------- ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya' think?!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************** ****************************** ********************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ****
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
****************************** ****************************** ****************************** *****
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ***
(And they vote and walk among us......LOL)

I wish I took pictures of how I painted my house a few years ago. Picture multiple sawhorses with plants on them with ladders on top of them -- rope tied to attentia on the roof with a harnest on me.

https://www.alamy.com/edinburgh-fri...c7a2ab4c699620817f29794968175764&searchtype=0


Opps, I farted

Outstanding

Snow Ball surprise trap


egg thrower from Teacher's Desk
https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url...hUKEwjfn5LAzcz9AhWMyMkDHVcBC_0Qr4kDegUIARDIAg

Google woodworking bloopers I do not have sound on my Computer.

How to Make Sawdust
"Sand a piece of sample wood that matches the project material. A sander with a collection bag makes it easy to collect the sawdust, but using a file, rasp, or sanding by hand will also make perfectly usable sawdust if you don't have a power sander. "

https://woodenuknow.com/how-to-make-sawdust/

I followed your directions for making sawdust, but all I got was cellulose powder. As cellulose powder is an essential ingredient listed on bags of shredded cheese, I'm not sure what to do now. Should I sell it to Kraft? Please advise.

How's about an airplane cartoon???????????

Close to Home by John McPherson for March 08, 2023 - GoComics