Home Ownership for Millenials (humor)

So...since so many Millenials have bought their first home....there's a few things that you need to know now that you have settled in and are getting used to the place.

You can decorate and paint the Walls and ceilings with any stencil or mural you want. However certain colors and sharpie markers do bleed through paint...even primer. So use prudence.

Lawn maintenance is important. More than just mowing. Weed and feed, preemergent for crabgrass and other weeds and most importantly to keep the wife happy....pesticides! Can't stress this enough. Apartment life is great when all this is done for you....but you went and bought a house so you is it! Ants, spiders, creepy crawlers, moths, gnats and mosquitos all are in your lawn. (Such as it is) Mice, skunks and other unwanted critters are looking for these bugs....just saying.

Do not plant: ivy, kudzu, bamboo, ball thistle, wisteria trees or even Bermuda grass without first checking with your neighbors.

Reminds me of a story...a guy in my neighborhood (new subdivision) never really learned those things that most guys do when growing up....(like don't even have a beer with guys that frequent strip clubs after work) One day he came to me for advice about the ivy he had planted. (This was before the days of the internet) and I said "you should learn to like the ivy....it's never going away" You can't kill it with roundup or other herbicide. But he had planted it because nobody could get a green lawn in our subdivision....I tried calling a professional landscaping company all great and wonderful right? but when I gave him my address he hung up on me. Apparently it was known that this place couldn't grow grass.

So to make a long story short he was getting divorced and he could avoid alimony payments if he kept the lawn green and lush. And it became a second part time job for him. Weeding, feeding, thatching by hand, pest control and i do mean he worked at it every day. I mean EVERY day. And he did end up with a lawn that was the envy of every guy in our subdivision....But then the fateful day came. It fell upon me to give him the bad news...."Ted, hate to be the bearer of bad news....but you have root rot."
Ted in tears:"How long do I have?"
Me:"Six weeks tops if you aerate....."
He broke down in tears uncontrollably....

So I'm dying to know...

How did keeping up the yard prevent him from having to pay alimony?

I mean, was artificial grass totally out of the question when nothing else worked?

It was a bit of revenge....

See, Ted went out for a few beers after work with guys who go to strip clubs....next thing you know he's in divorce court for a more serious indiscretion that he never would have done if he was sober. His wife was not the sort to forgive....and it was a task akin to cleaning the Agean stables.

The ivy was something of a bane as his neighbors didn't like it growing into their lawns. Granted it was green ground cover...just not really a place to play or barbecue.

So getting a lush green lawn would placate the neigbors and improve the house appearance. (Which he didn't get in the divorce and the lawn made us all jealous) he worked harder than any Landscaping crew ever would that refused to service our neighborhood anyway.

Ted was that special kind of stupid...nice guy and all but made a career out of making bad choices that led to more to the point he got in trouble. He went out for a few beers after work with guys who like strip clubs...which when he was tipsy he went along with....which they brought liquor and Ted got drunk and enticed by these women into doing something that he would never dream possible when sober. He really loved his wife. (She was kinda pretty too)

But basically it was part of the divorce decree by agreement (you can do that if both parties agree)

With great power comes great responsibility.

One of those things I should have mentioned....

BE CAREFUL WITH PESTICIDES. Dead puppies and kittens aren't much fun.

Pets are wonderful...but follow the instructions on pesticides. And keep your pets away from chemically treated areas until the guidelines say it's safe. I use one that you put down just before it rains and after it rains it is safe. (Cats came with my house)

Also....some of that advice on YouTube and blogs is worthless. Especially all that "save the planet/environmental friendly " junk. I'm much more into saving my sanity and marriage than saving the planet. (If you don't save your marriage you won't have a house anymore)

Those bug zappers that electrocute flying bugs....don't put them on the porch. Put them far away from places you hang around outside at night. That light attracts the bugs but most don't fly into the electricity....some do and it's satisfying to watch...but many more find the food beforehand (you) and forget all about that light.

Mulch in the flower beds always stinks....it's not a pleasant smell. The smell goes away in a week or so to the point you can stand it....but don't put down fresh mulch the day of or before a backyard barbecue party. You won't like the result. (I personally like real redwood mulch...it has a natural effect of repulsing bugs)

Call an electrician if you need electrical work done! Yes I know that it seems easy enough...but it is a LOT more complicated than the average person understands... hot wires look just like cold ones. The number of DEADLY mistakes with electricity outnumber gun deaths every year.

Plumbing is your newest hobby!
You need to learn to change toilet flappers and sink faucets in an hour. Meaning you need to become good at it. The repair bills otherwise are horrendous. If it involves anything more than that...call a plumber! Bad things happen if you move a sewer line or drain line or even water supply lines and you don't have a professional level understanding.
I hate Plumbing but I hate plumbers more....they are always running pipe right where I as a professional electrician need to run electricity. So I've learned about vents and soldering and the various valves and etc....don't be me on this one.

Drilling holes in walls can be very very frustrating.

I was going to install a wall mounted desk lamp for my son in his bedroom....over his desk.
I was using some oversized zipits in the drywall to ensure it wouldn't ever fall.
I noticed that one of the zipits wouldn't penetrate the drywall so I assumed it was a stud and grabbed a drywall screw. I noticed in the nick of time that it wasn't a stud but instead was the power cable for the air conditioning. 60 amps at 240V would have blown me and my drill into smithereens.

I've seen other mishaps equally bad....like hitting a waterline in the wall. Pocket doors and drain/sewer lines from upstairs. All these mishaps are preventable....an ice pick or boroscope (tiny camera on a wire) can be of more value than you would dream possible.

With our current technology level it seems a house sale should come with a flash drive that has a 3D house model with all wiring and plumbing clearly delineated. Put a small portable program on the flash drive that can be used to view the 3D model file. Making the model could be done with a CATphone or equivalent.

I just got my first starter house and appreciate all the advice I can get. I moved out from under a large tree into a large corrugated cardboard box. It's the best I could afford, free in fact as I found it in the dumpster. It's sort of a mobile home/box and I can move it to the most active street corners, where auto traffic is highest. I get a lot of income with my cardboard sign, 'Anything Helps'.

It feels great to be a home owner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Looking forward to the day I can afford one of those fancy tents and make a permanent home on the sidewalk!!!!!!!!1

I like your enthusiasm. I started looking at boxes myself now.

Boooooo.
When is the comedy going to start?
I paid $100 for this gig.

Cameron, in your quest for boxes, don't be too proud to do some 'dumpster diving'. You'd be surprised to see what you can find, not only boxes but eats and clothing too! And remember, pride is the greatest sin of all.

Good practical and biblical advice is often hard to come by. To find them both in one place is indeed fortuitous.

a man's home, bought on a loan is his dome!!!

Today I accomplished the ultimate.

I got my wife to do some light yard work.
I got her to pick up branches and sticks that had blown down from the trees. (Ones a lawnmower couldn't mulch) and then I hauled the concrete planters and filled them from 2yd bags of potting soil (after strategically placing bricks in them)
Then together we planted some herbs in them.
Maybe in 6-12 weeks we will have some herbs to season our food.

(Before this though I was using the weedeater to edge the sidewalk and weedeat around the whole yard and house...it's a 1.2 acre lot and a 3500 sq ft 1 story house)

But it was really nice to work together on stuff. Days like today are the stuff dreams are made of.

dont you have child slaves? I thought that was the entire reason to own a house...so you can house your minions to do all the work for you.

No
My son is grown and in a different state from me now.
However, I do have my eye on a nephew to enslave.

Thank you! Now the comedy has started.
Stop by the “I wanna beat my child“ thread so we can hang out and have a beer.

I'm guessing that you didn't understand the other humorous anecdotes.

Oh well.

Sorry, I didn’t get the other jokes but that’s probably because we all come from different walks of life, so what’s funny to one guy is sad for the next.
However your job as a comedian is to reach to all the people accord aisles and you have done that and reached me.
I feel good about my $100 purchase to this show and I want to buy you a round of beers and food.