Seoulsearch Tries To Date Multiple People At Once -- Ending In Epic Failure!

Hey Everyone,

All the advice on the forum to date multiple people at once has had me thinking for a while. I was thinking about my own dating history, and trying to sort out why I have said for the longest time that I wouldn't do this. Then I remembered why.

Years ago, I actually tried an in-person dating service, as this was long before internet dating took off. It was insanely expensive and I'd never do it again, but I think I signed up for 12 matches. Although I didn't find someone, I did have some interesting conversations (and can tell you all the more to be careful out there!) Fortunately, they only gave you one match at a time and I liked being able to concentrate on talking to just one person.

Fast forward to a few years later when I was on a couple of paid Christian dating sites... My favorite thing back then was to hang out in the Christian Mingle chat rooms (arranged by ages in decades,) because I could see what people were like in real time. And of course, you got plenty of 50-year-olds hanging out in the 20-and-30-year-old rooms. (As far as I know, CM doesn't have these anymore? It's been years since I've looked at their site.)

Again, I didn't meet anyone special, but I did have some good conversations and learned from other's experiences. I also learned something very important about myself.

I had been chatting with a couple of really nice guys and when it felt comfortable, moved on to talking to the phone with a few of them. And I can still remember, I was talking with one guy, and I said something like, "Oh, that's right, your father..." and then I went on to finish what I thought was a story about his dad. And he paused for a minute, then said plainly, "Uh... that's not me."

In other words -- I WAS GETTING HIS STORY CONFUSED WITH THAT OF ANOTHER GUY I WAS TALKING TO -- AND I FELT SO BAD!!!

The poor guy was incredibly gracious about it, but understandably, we never talked again.

Shoot, it's not just in dating situations. I have a good friend I've known for years, but we only write each other a couple times a year, and when I asked how her parents were doing, she wrote back, "Well, I don't expect you to remember, Seoul, but my Dad actually died 20 years ago..." Oh my goodness. I felt like the worst friend ever.

Throughout my life, I've actually kept handwritten notes to remind me of people's important events, dates, and life facts, but I had foolishly gotten away from the practice, and it was obviously showing.

THIS is why I personally wouldn't date more than one person at a time. If I did, I would have to keep a fact-checking file on each person, then re-read it every time I talked to them to try to make sure I didn't mess up. I just remember that poor guy on the phone whose family information I incorrectly identified and how immensely disrespectful that was -- and all because I was talking to more than one person at a time -- even though it was all online.

And I thought about how I would feel if it got flipped around -- how would any of us feel if our "date" started talking to us earnestly about a family or life situation that wasn't ours, all because he was accidentally got our story mixed up with the 3 other girls he's dating?

It was about this time that I backed out of the dating scene, because I wanted to do better. I wanted to give someone the respect and attention he deserved, not a slice of time in between going out with Joe on Monday and Bobby on Friday.

And what really got to me is that I started wondering what kinds of affection are allowed on dates, because I would not feel comfortable dating someone if both of us were holding hands with/kissing other people on our days off from seeing each other. I know I probably sound like as old-fashioned as your Grandma -- heck, maybe even some people's Great-Grandma -- but for my own self, I felt that limiting my time and focus to just one person would be the most honorable thing to do.

I know others might be different though and maybe dating multiple people DOES work for them. Shoot, some people might even tell me I'm just too forgetful and/or stupid to be able to date several guys at once, lol, and I understand that. Or maybe they'll say I'm being too sensitive I'm turned off that my date gets my story mixed up with the girl he went out with the night before me.

So for those of you who DO think it's possible, I'm sincerely interested in how you keep all their stories straight. (Obviously, I can use these tips on just trying to remember facts about my long-term friends!)

* First of all, how do YOU feel about dating more than one person at a time? Yeah or Nah?

* If you DO see several people at once, how do you keep from mixing up their information?

* Do you feel it's ok to hold hands with, hug, and kiss each person when you take them out?

* What are you comfortable with your date doing in between dates with you: dating other people, holding hands with other people, hugging and kissing other people? And then being fresh, ready, and smiling to take YOU out the next night?

Everyone is welcome to answer -- it would be interesting to hear from our married friends about how this type of advice has worked -- or not -- in real life for them, or those they know.

I think this is going to be a fascinating discussion and I am eagerly awaiting your thoughts.

If a girl mixed me up with one of her other guys, I'd not want to be one of her guys any more.

If I was going out with a girl she'd be the only one. If I felt I had to have multiple girls on the line, I'd need to look around and see what is missing in my life that I am trying to replace with a lot of girls.

Besides, it sounds really stressful. Having multiple girlfriends would be hard on my digestion, not to mention my blood pressure.

@Sculpt, this thread was, in part, written for you, since you'd said you thought a thread about this topic would be interesting.

Hope you like it!

If I were dating...
Just one at time please...


I would mix up their information. That's why I wouldn't do it.
I have five kids and I have to stop and do math when remembering how old they are. There are other things I have to think hard about, so no dating more than one at a time...

I love this honest, realistic answer!

I'm the same way -- I record my friends' and family's birth years on a paper calendar, so I make myself do the math to figure out their age. And I have to check my calendar every day to try to keep them all straight.

Between all the people we encounter at work, school, church, and everyday life -- if I were seriously trying to learn about 2 or 3 guys at a time, I KNOW I'd accidentally mix up something!

And I really wouldn't feel very invested or interested if he got me mixed up with another girl, either.

Try being in the navy where the ratio of men/women is somewhat different from any other place. As a woman you could make fending off men a full time job lol.

Maybe you could talk Ripley into letting your borrow her flamethrower:




Heh heh.

I'm pretty sure I could see you carrying one of these!

I didn’t say I disliked those men’s efforts lol.

Maybe a fire extinguisher would be more appropriate .

I'm trying to figure out how to explain what I'm thinking without sounding like a crazy person. I definitely am a crazy person, just trying not to sound like one 😜.

I've been kickin' round the pea patch for a while now. Had some unpleasant interactions, a few low-key stalking incidents, and just in general have come to realize that I'm much more commitment- phobic than most men I've come across. I seem to be a magnet for the "She said hi back, we're gonna get married" types. And these types are generally not entirely well. Therefore....

I actually find it kinda comforting when a guy has several women he's able to talk to and get to know and not immediately try to throw all his eggs in one basket. It makes me feel like he's not just talking to me because I'm the only one who said "hi" back. And allows me get to know him better without the pressure of an exclusive relationship.

If I were to like what I see enough to want a serious relationship (and assuming he felt the same way) , then at that point I would need it to be exclusive. But until then I would actually prefer if he was still talking to other ladies. 🤷‍♀️

Interesting. I thought the Navy would be the safest branch for women.

Well my answers the same as it has been for years. So nothing new to it. One at a time. The end. For both of us.
I had someone once try to choose between me and another guy. She kept dragging it out and I finally had to put an ultimatum down. Decide now. Hated feeling like I was in competition for someone's affections.

I've never dated more than one person at a time.

If someone I was dating was engaging in such conduct with someone else I don't think we'd be together much longer.
That being said when I say dating I am referring to an exclusive relationship, not casually seeing someone to get to know them. I reserve that for friendships status, first and foremost.

Though if they were friends with myself and another guy and interested in us both, I'd not be happy with that. I wouldn't do that to anyone therefore I don't expect it to be done with me.

It's important to define what "dating more than one person at a time" means. I define this to mean having many first dates with many different people "at the same time", and that may include two or three dates... that is to say, you're just getting to know someone from basically nothing.

I think dating multiple people for longer than, say, three months, is different in the sense that: a few dates is just getting to know someone, whereas more than three months is a relationship. I think I would know enough about a person after about 3 months to know if I wanted to be exclusive; at which point I would ask.

Last night I gave my dating life a review... and to the best of my memory, I've never dated more than one person at a time. Just not my natural M.O. But I think it's beneficial for many people.

To me it makes perfect sense to keep meeting people until you find someone appropriate to become exclusive with. If you can make that decision after one date, I'd admire your abilities and wish I had them. It sounds supernatural to me, but maybe I'm doing it wrong.

The philosophy that it's beneficial, for me, was born out of frustration with the women I was dating. I, apparently, don't do a good job picking women to date. Some people are messed up in the head, players, insincere, liars and much worse. It can take a while to discover who these people are. I think I'm a normal person in that I get attached over time... but some people don't, and they don't mind actively leading you on. There's also hedge-betters... people who don't care who you are, they're just having fun with you while they're looking for "something else" (if they even have the compacity for attachment), and they (likely) aren't going to tell you they're doing it.

How does getting to know a lot of people (dating) until you find someone worthy of an exclusive relationship help? I think this helps one concentrate on getting to know someone rather than working on building attachment. I think that makes a lot of sense. If you're not good at picking people to date (historically), why blindly dive in on one person from the get-go? If you immediately go exclusive with a stranger you just met, are you able to assess them properly and move on when you should? Or do you tend to "try too hard to make it work"?

What can I say... I have a very good memory, it's a blue moon when I make a mistake with that.

I think it depends on a lot of factors. If I'm concentrating on assessing compatibility and character, I'll tend not to do things that will prematurely get me too attached.

If we haven't decided to be exclusive... then I won't know, I won't ask, and I don't want to know. In my experience, the specific times I've been told "about the other guy" by the woman I was dating... I most decidedly found it was to manipulate me. If one of us wants to be exclusive, we will ask.

But but but...
She said "Hi",.. what else could that possibly mean???

😆😆😆🤔

True. Why else would a woman greet you back if she didn't want to instantly get married?

Maybe she meant "High".

My dating life is not extensive, but I would never consider dating more than one guy at a time. Well, heck, I couldn’t even if I wanted to because I wasn’t noticed very much lol. Doesn’t matter now though! Lolol

Hi Sculpt, I'm thinking back to my "fear of attraction" thread from a while back (maybe you are familiar since you said you have a good memory and I know you posted in it). Anyway..... eventually, through the advice people were posting, I realized it was probably more a fear of commitment, trust, and or/losing control (and probably more things ). I'm working on all that and seeing some improvement, but I was wondering....

Do you feel like your willingness to get to know someone while they are potentially casually dating other people has anything to do with keeping them at an emotional arm's length until you can figure out if they are truly a potential match for you? Of course you don't have to answer if you don't want to, I'm just trying to figure out some stuff. I think my subconscious thought there is that if the guy keeps talking to other women then they won't get too attached to me. But I myself have never really desired to seriously get to know more than one guy at once and I don't think I would even casually "date" more than one at once. Even the thought of joining an online dating site is exhausting and overwhelming because I know that most men wouldn't be a good fit for me, but once you put yourself out there as available then you have to deal with whatever comes your way.

On my end of things, I don't get attached quickly or easily, so my stress/fears have to do with the guy getting unreasonably attached unreasonably soon before I even figure out if he's a possible match. And I know that would lead me to instinctively pushing him away. Perhaps I could consciously over-ride it but it's hard for me not to see quick attachment as a huge red-flag.

Thoughts? (And I say that also speaking to anyone else who might be reading this!)

This was a really good post -- thanks very much for sharing, Snackers!

I completely understand what you're saying about attracting damaged or emotionally needy people. I've definitely experienced this as well, as I get a lot of people who will talk to me about some of the most personal aspects of their lives, which makes them want to cling on, even if it's just as a friend.

What you're saying about that person having several outlets -- people to talk to rather than just you -- makes a lot of sense. I've had times where I knew it wasn't going to work out with a guy, and I used to pray that God would send him "a beautiful distraction."

Often he would meet another girl. In two cases, the guys actually got married! I always joke that if I go out with a guy, God just might bring him a girlfriend or a wife -- and it's most likely not going to be me!

For what it's worth, you don't sound commitment-phobic to me -- you sound cautious, and that's a very good thing to be in today's social landscape.

This was really interesting, Sculpt, and I thank you for taking the time to clarify.

I agree with you that 3 months seems like a reasonable length of time to know if something might work with someone, and if a person was in this stage with a couple people at once (it's almost a "pre-dating" phase,) I can see how it could work. I definitely agree that rushing into something too serious, too fast, is a bad idea.

I can also understand someone being getting to know a couple people at a time in that there are so many "false starts." I've read that it's perceived that women have it much easier because the men are expected to make the first move, and that men might send greetings to 50 women on a dating site and barely get one "hi" back. I certainly get how discouraging that is and can see why someone would want to be look at more than one possibility at a time.

I guess I've gotten to be "the accidental dater." I've come to realize that I'm attracted to things like life experience and how a guy handles various situations and challenges in life. I've been saying for awhile now that if God does want me to marry, it's probably going to be to some poor victim, er, male friend, I've known for years, because I've seen him through all sorts of situational weather.

Thanks for bringing up the topic of emotional manipulation (someone trying to make you jealous, etc.) I think that happens a lot these days is definitely something to avoid/get away from.

I can definitely see your point about there being a difference between getting to know someone and actual dating, and I appreciate you stopping in to explain your perspective.