Questions

I would not seek to get her attention for two reasons.

1. If she is not looking around to see who else is present, then that tells me that she is not looking to meet anyone.
2. Although I am confident or comfortable in my own skin, I do not ever make the first move without at least some indication of interest on the woman's part. Mostly because I am a gentleman, and I do not like to invade anybody else's space or override their desire to just be left alone.

For example, there is a woman at work that I would be interested in talking to, but every time I walk past her, she deliberately looks down at the ground. To me, that is a clear sign that she does not want to talk or even give the slightest indication of interest. That or she is not into guys with mohawk haircuts with a hedgehog living inside of it (Only kidding. It's not a hedgehog. It's an armadillo).

Speaking of not giving wrong signs, I am out of the dating game, so this will be my last post on this thread. Here is my final question.

As a woman, are you okay with a man deliberately attempting to get to know you first over a period of time before asking you out, or do you prefer for him to get to know you by asking you out without too much knowledge of who you truly are?

It sounds like you have interacted with the lady at work enough to feel an interest in her, so on the flipside she must have some sort of impression of you. Don't assume it's a negative one; she might have an avoidant personality "disorder", in which case she would tend to register interest by avoiding you (don't ask me why; psychology is a complicated field! ). I have struggled with this issue myself so I'm not just supposing, my first thought was literally that she might be an interested avoidant. Just thoughts though, hope I'm not leading you astray but ya seem like the kinda guy who could handle a lil embarrassment if I'm wrong lol .

Regarding the "friends first" thing, I personally appreciate that and find it allows me to get to know the guy without the pressure of a dating relationship. Some guys are WAAAAAY too eager. And having some conversations before the first date indicates that he values finding out who I actually am. But situations (and women!) are all different, so I can't speak for everyone! And at some point a guy should be direct about his interest and intentions, otherwise we are left to guess how he feels or what he's thinking, and sometimes our brains fill in the blanks with a lot of negative stuff. That's why reassurance is so important to us .

Oops, forgot to ask a question.......hmmmmm..............

How do you figure out the difference between healthy iron sharpening iron, versus trying to change or control the person or them trying to change or control you?

After reading your response, I decided to go for it with the woman at work. I casually approached her, and I said "Good morning," and my co-worker captured what happened next on his cellphone camera.



Mind you, that was just her practice swing. After that, she apparently landed 16 blows to my head (based upon the amount of bumps the doctor at the Emergency Room counted after I was rushed to the hospital via an ambulance). Prior to receiving your sage advice about "avoidant personality disorder," I would have mistakenly thought that her baseball bat assault was a clear-cut sign that she is not interested in me. Having now been enlightened by you, I am sure that this was just her subtle way of showing me that she would like me to ask her out to a baseball game on our first date. The baseball season does not start again until the Springtime, but that works out perfectly for me because my doctor told me that my blurred vision probably will not clear until the Springtime anyway. I am thinking that this is some sort of confirmation that this woman is the one for me. Thank you so much. Had you not encouraged me, none of this would have ever happened.
I totally agree with you in regard to the "pressure" thing. Personally, I would much rather prefer for things to progress gradually without having some sort of potential "one and done" first (and maybe last) date pressure applied to the situation.
I think that "time" is the factor here. In other words, if your partner has already spent considerable time getting to know you, and if your partner has repeatedly shown that they truly care about your well-being, then it is probable that their attempts to "sharpen you" are healthy or for your own potential benefit.

Well, your response to what I had written prompted a partly idiotic response from me, so I guess that I have to ask another question now.

From what I have experienced, most women like a man who can make them laugh, but what about a man who is truly serious about the things of the Lord? Not just in how he treats you, but also in his godly desire to help others? Would you be okay with that, or would you selfishly try to keep him away from ministering to others? I ask this because I have seen this very thing in other people's relationships in the past.

Selfishness is a two-way street. The other side of the question has to be asked too -- would he be willing to put aside his ministry enough to make a relationship and most especially, a wife and family, his new top priority? And who is he ministering to? Obviously, if he feels he always has a "calling" to minister to women, I'd rather just stay friends and not have to worry about any entanglements that might happen.

I think that anyone who believes they are active in ministry has to also develop the discernment to know that if they are going to have a relationship, they will have to put a priority on the person they're seeing first, and some of their ministry work will fall into the background.

I was once talking to a guy who was a newer Christian (about 3 years) and he had a huge heart. He literally wanted to help everyone, to the point where he was almost giving away so much money that he was starting to struggle with his own bills. Now there might be times God wants us to do that. But for the most part, I think God wants us to learn to be disciplined enough to not get ourselves into trouble for the sake of others.

Having been single for a long time and doing what all the good Christians told me to do (serving in a lot of ministries over the years,) I've found that many people are in ministry work not just to serve God, but also, to an extent, themselves. Yes, some are naturally caring, but also people-pleasers who get to a point where their entire self-identity is wrapped up in serving because it props up their own self-worth.

I'm certainly not saying that everyone who serves in ministry is like this of course. But I've worked for, and around, some people who literally could not live without the self-validation it gives them, and that becomes an even bigger motivation to them than just serving God.

I've also heard a lot of stories of, say pastors whose own families resent them because they always felt they had to make other people more important than their wife and kids. Sometimes it was necessary -- sometimes it was to look good in front of the congregation. I heard an interesting sermon once about a pastor whose kids resented him and the ministry because he never attended their events, etc. He was too busy "ministering to others" to be there for his own children or attend their events.

I used to be part of a ministry that wrote to and visited prison inmates for around 8 years. I became good friends with one person from that time and am still in contact today. We used to talk about how we wanted to "continue the cycle," and he kept his promise by now going and speaking to disadvantaged youth who are in danger of the same things he was.

I would love to go back to that ministry, but when an inmate escaped and killed a young woman in my home state who was doing the same thing, God told me to stop, and when I've asked if I can go back over the years, the answer always seems to be no.

I also believed that He was telling me, "If you were to meet someone, he obviously wouldn't want you to be doing this kind of work." Well, that was a long time ago, and I never have "met someone" in a dating sense. But it taught me that if I did hope to meet someone, sacrifices must be made, and I couldn't date someone if he didn't have a grasp on that as well.

But if God ever DID call me back to that kind of work, how many guys would be willing to date a girl who's ministering to prison inmates?

I've obviously switched to other kinds of ministry work, so if I were dating someone who was serious about the Lord, we would obviously have to have a talk about where we feel God has called us, and where we would place each other in the hierarchy of whom we were to serve. I would ask God to test us both in that way, to see whether we were truly serving God, or if we were mostly just propping up our own self-esteem through others. It could very well be that if God had us in a relationship (and especially a marriage,) our most important task now was to minister to each other and back away fom other ministries.

Personally, I wouldn't be able to proceed further with the relationship until I had some clear answers to those questions. And then of course, I would do my best to go with what God directed.

But if a guy ever told me, "You're selfishly keeping me from those I'm meant to minister to," I would ask God to give me a ministry in which he would feel the same way about my work in order to test us both.

Next Question: Is it a problem if a woman is making more money than the man in a relationship? What happens if they get married and she's paying most of the bills? How does he lead as a husband when she's paying for most everything?

I ask because in every dating relationship I've had, I've wound up paying for the man. Not because the guy wasn't hard-working, but because he bought other things for himself -- games, clothes, car parts, alcohol, cigarettes, etc. -- and was always behind on his bills, which I wound up paying. For me, it wasn't just about money, but rather, that fact that he wasn't financially responsible.

I wouldn't feel secure with someone buying novelties over paying for a roof over our head first.

In the words of the great sage Hamato Yoshi, "I am hearing questions that are not questions."

I mean gee whiz, if you make your question any more pointed it can cut concrete.

P.S. I need to clarify my last post.

It wasn't that I made more money than a guy, it was that I always paid bills first - often some of his, too - and could hold on to anything left a whole lot longer or invest it rather than going shopping.

I am at work now, but having read your response, I must say "Huh?"

My question was quite innocuous, and it was simply a question.

Syntax indicates it is a question, and technically it does have a question mark at the end... But it is definitely less a question and more a statement of how you feel about the matter, with a question mark stuck on the end.

I never thought that I would live to see the day when I would need to defend a simple question.

Rather than disrupt TallJake's well-intentioned thread, I will remove myself from this conversation.

I sincerely hope that you all find the answers you are looking for.

Peace.

*shrug

You're the one who phrased it in a very blatantly confrontational manner. Now you are surprised that people ask questions about your question?

The way you phrased it, I get the strong impression this happened to you personally.

Defense is not necessary though. Nobody here signs anybody else's paycheck. This is just a random forum floating in the void of the internet.

You are welcome! Another satisfied customer of Snackersmom's discount therapy and matchmaking service 😎. Join now for the low low price of a buck two ninety-eight! 😃

Seriously, avoidance is a real thing and from what I can tell is pretty common in singles over the age of 35 or so, especially Christian singles. I actually made a thread about it trying to figure out some stuff, I will post a link to it on your profile or maybe just bump the thread. No idea if that's what's going on with the lady at work but it's worth considering if you really are interested in her.


So what? Not all observations need to be commented on. 🙄

True. But it sounded like there was a story behind this one.

Now I may never know what the story is...

I've had to live with not knowing how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop since I was a kid. Some things may never be known.

Owl said three. That's good enough for me. Lick, lick, lick, chomp!

Owl cheated. Didn't he also say the world may never know?

The announcer said the world may never know. Owl said three. I'm going with owl. The announcer is a shill.

Go back and listen again. Different voice for the part about the world may never know.

I'm still going with the owl. Three licks.

Technically it was 3 licks and a bite and the question was how many licks and not how many licks and bites.

Licks and bites...am I in Candyland🍬🍭🍡😃
Is there something secular ie sports, mystery movies, lots of time on social media that you wouldn't give up in A Christian relationship?

I would absolutely be ok with that, that's how we should be in the world. Of course I'd have to find his tickle spot and get him going once in a while😂 (refer to prev Q for the next Q, long day and I'm a widow twice, fun just stirring the pot whenever I feel led)