Do Rescuers Need to be Rescued from Rescuing?

Hey Everyone,

A conversation yesterday had me thinking about those of us who seem to be built for always trying to "rescue" others around them. Throughout my life, I've found myself constantly trying to rescue co-workers, church associates, and, most complicated of all, potential dates. As you can imagine, it generally hasn't worked out very well.

I eventually hit rock bottom when a good friend told me, "Most people saying they want help aren't looking for actual healing, because they aren't willing to put in the work it would take. What they're really looking for is attention -- and they know that if they really did get healed, they'd lose the very thing that's bringing them all this attention."

It seems like such an obvious observation -- common sense, really -- but why it took me so long (and nearly going broke) to realize, I don't know. And when it finally sunk in, it changed my life. These days, the "dry begging" lines I used to fall for hook, line, and sinker ("I really wish I could get -- fill in the blank -- but I can't afford it" -- when that person is spending all their money on useless things -- now leaves me feeling like I've just heard nails screeching across a mile-long chalkboard. And I'm thankful I don't fall for is nearly as much as I used to.

Now OF COURSE, I'm NOT saying that there aren't legitimate needs out there -- of course there are needs all around us. But I've asked God to help me be more responsible in how and to whom I respond.

I had to think of how much God has changed me though, because, as pointed out in yesterday's conversation, The Rescuer can become just as dependent on "rescuing" as those who take advantage of others are dependent on handouts (whether material or emotional.) I went through a phase of feeling like I didn't have a purpose, or, worse yet, "had to be with someone I was helping" -- and was surrounded by others, mostly single parents, who felt the same way.

They were constantly getting into "search and help" relationships in which they did most of the helping and the other person did most of the taking. But the fear of being alone, along with the need to feel needed or useful, was just too strong to let go.

I was once around a guy who expressed his disappointment in me by saying, "You never cry. I wish you would cry around me at least sometimes." (I went through a traumatic time where I do think I've cried most of my tears away, but now usually only cry when God convicts me of something, when I'm at my lowest, or over the suffering of others.)

I was actually taken aback by this, but he said he was so used to women crying on his shoulder, it was something that made him feel needed and he didn't like being without it. While I'm sorry I couldn't oblige, I found it interesting to be on the other side of the fence. Women's emotional pain made him like he had a purpose, and he was addicted to it.

But the thing that really changed me was when God put me around other singles who were living happy, independent lives, regardless of whether they found someone or not. Pretty much all the singles I'd been around up until then were all concerned with finding the next person. Once I got away from this mentality -- my constant need to "rescue" somewhat disappeared -- and now I feel much better helping those who know how to rescue in a healthy way instead.

How about you?

* Are you a rescuer, or have been around one? (A parent, friend, relative, church member, etc.) What have been the results, both good and bad?

* What happens when "rescuing" goes too far and crosses the line into being unhealthy?

* Have you ever tried to "get away" from rescuing (or have watched a rescuer try to stop rescuing?) What happens?

* Did you have to try to stop rescuing, or change how you went about it? What were the results?

* Are you someone who has been around a rescuer, and felt smothered because you didn't really need their rescuing? (Or at least not in the way they were trying to give it.)

I would really like to hear from others who have experienced or watched others go through this.

I stopped rescuing others. I finally decided it's time to concentrate on me. That's not to say I don't still have the tendency. The difference is I recognize it now and stop myself.

I used to be like that but being overly helpful attracts users who keep taking but don't help back in return when you need them.

I'm glad that God is in my life - He really brought balance to me life about helping others but with a healthy balance and also gave me discernment to stay away from users that would abuse that kindness.


🎻

This has stirred up such hurt in me. give me sometime I will come back and answer.

I'm not sure I have the patience to be a good rescuer. I'm kind of wired that if I don't see someone making an effort, I'm not very inclined to make an effort either. And a wise person gave this rule for helping people: Don't do things for people that they're capable of doing for themselves.

But I'm a great person to have around when you're ready to face reality because I have the gift of being brutally honest and realistic and asking the questions other people think are too personal to ask.

love more, judge less. It's hard to do. Legalism isn't the way either.

I have observed the white knight syndrome and I do comprehend the attraction, but I never did personally find it very appealing.

I'll do all I can to help someone who is genuinely in need. But there is also whether it is feasible for me to help them, and whether there are other people who could better help them.

And when I hit entitlement I am out like last year's fashion. If they expect me to help them, like they think I owe it to them, I can clear up that misconception real fast. Or if they have a list of the ways they expect assistance, like a baby shower registry at Target, good luck with that.

From my observation, I've seen people with a savior complex as feeling a sense of nobility for trying to save others even when they aren't ready or willing. Often times, when we look beyond the superficial, their actions aren't as selfless as they appear. It can be used as a manipulative tactic to charm someone they are romantically interested in. People who "love bomb" tend to have this complex. The problem is that it's not sustainable forever. Once the reward they receive for trying to save someone proves ineffective and not mutually beneficial, things go south. The juice is no longer worth the squeeze.

I have witnessed the dangers of playing Christ for others, which is antichrist (doesn't just mean against Christ, but to replace Him, taking His role). So many people fall into this trap romantically with "I will save him or her!" They think they are to be the one to rescue them from darkness, and yet forget the Proverb, "Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.” (1 Corinthians 15:33).

On the front of rescuing fellow believers, I think that depends. The Holy Spirit may ask you to bear a burden, "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ," (Galatians 6:2), and on the other end you may need to flee, "
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered." (Proverbs 22:24).

It's about balance. I was always taught that if you give mercy to those God is disciplining (Revelation 3:19) you do them a disservice, they may need to reach "rock bottom," and you do a disservice to chastise and rebuke heavily someone in need of mercy. So it requires discernment, being good in judgement (shrewdness), and relying on the Holy Spirit to be certain if you should rescue or let them be.

When people have appeared to have created their own conundrum... I tend not to involve myself nor feel sorry for them.

I'll help strangers without a thought if I see they're in some kind of danger/potential danger.

I appreciate what everyone has shared, and I found these two posts to be particularly interesting, as they point out the things that the "rescuers" might do wrong as well.

I have definitely been on both sides of the coin, so I like seeing the different angles of what can go wrong -- good intentions turned into pride or self-fulfilling need, and/or true need turned into chosen victimhood.

I've been guilty of love-bombing others, as well as having to turn down people who tried to "ministry-bomb" me for the wrong reasons. Reading through these posts have been a great reminder to stay guarded and not fall prey to manipulation -- from either side.

This has been a great discussion -- thanks very much for sharing your thoughts!

I repented from rescuing when I discovered people
1. People tend to abuse of that weakness
2. It was the manifestation of childhood trauma
3. People are not always grateful you did rescued them because they also want to keep
4. at some point it may be or look narcissistic .

Most rescuers are people with trauma or deep wounds. in my case I grow up with parents who took the family home to be a boxing ring. always fighting, quarrelling. so rescuing was a way of making people to be happy with me may be they will love me and acknowledge me. may be I will see on their faces the happiness I never saw on the faces of my parents. Rescuing never helped me but caused more trouble many people had taken me for maid, team members never participate in the work because I am there to do it for all. Call Edith, Ask Edith, Give Edith,
I thank God for my Christ who gave me enough love, validation, presence and helped me to come out of this sphere. I pour that energy in service to our God; winning/rescuing souls and helping them Grow in Christlikeness.

Yes both the rescued and the rescuer need to be rescued.
I am late with this response because my Google crashed. I don't know what happened. Much love from my end to all who read this.
I repented from rescuing when I discovered people
1. People tend to abuse of that weakness
2. It was the manifestation of childhood trauma
3. People are not always grateful you did rescued them because they also want to keep
4. at some point it may be or look narcissistic .

Most rescuers are people with trauma or deep wounds. in my case I grow up with parents who took the family home to be a boxing ring. always fighting, quarrelling. so rescuing was a way of making people to be happy with me may be they will love me and acknowledge me. may be I will see on their faces the happiness I never saw on the faces of my parents. Rescuing never helped me but caused more trouble many people had taken me for maid, team members never participate in the work because I am there to do it for all. Call Edith, Ask Edith, Give Edith,
I thank God for my Christ who gave me enough love, validation, presence and helped me to come out of this sphere. I pour that energy in service to our God; winning/rescuing souls and helping them Grow in Christlikeness.

Yes both the rescued and the rescuer need to be rescued.
I am late with this response because my Google crashed. I don't know what happened. Much love from my end to all who read this.

Being a rescuer would suck the life out of me. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.