As Christians, How Can We Take a Stance Against Society's Constant Pairing of Sex With Violence?

Hey Everyone,

This topic has been on my mind because I like to keep up with basic news about pop culture. I find that it gives me a doorway to talk to numerous types of people, and, after working towards earning their trust over several conversations and a length of time, it can lead into discussions about spiritual things. And so, although I neither watch movies or shows nor play games, I do subscribe to channels on YouTube that discuss them, giving me just enough to be able to participate in a conversation about them.

Something that has been heavily weighing on my spirit is the fact that entertainment repeatedly pairs sex with violence. Movies (especially horror,) shows, music videos, and games often feature scantily clad women in the midst of violent scenarios. Sometimes they are taken prisoner and tortured, all while dressed in attire (or lack their of) meant to seduce; sometimes they are graphically assaulted in the process.

I don't listen to popular music anymore (I used to because my work places always had them playing, but not now,) so I was completely and utterly shocked a few years ago when a YouTube short had a song playing in the background with a male voice singing, "I'm vanilla, baby. I'LL CHOKE YOU, but I ain't no killa, baby." (Jack Harlow)

Yes, I'm old and naive, but I was honestly taken aback that "I'll choke you" was seen as a perfectly acceptable lyric for a popular song. Now I know that many in the audience are going to say, "Wow. You're really sheltered... That's NOTHING compared to (this other song, movie, or show I've heard or seen.")

What shocked me even more was when a successful real estate agent on YouTube, a man probably in his late 40's, gave a list of things "women like (in an intimate setting,)" and said that women "love to be choked." Young men with no true role models are listening to this, thinking that this is what women will like, and young women, not knowing any better, will think this is what's to be expected of them. And it disturbs me to no end.

I have also heard that one of the dangers of pornography is that the participant "needs" to watch more and more severe scenarios, usually spiraling into scenes involving violence and underage/child "actors."

I know that with each generation, things will just keep getting worse, and it is to be expected, as the Bible tells us.

But what concerns me most is when I see it literally affecting the people around me -- when I have female co-workers who tell me, "I don't understand why he doesn't kiss me or tell me he loves me. He chokes me instead."

Men and women are being repeatedly being conditioned to pair sex and violence as something normal. And being a Christian does not make us immune.

I have had more than one Christian wife tearfully share with me what they are being forced to do by Christian-claiming husbands behind closed doors.

And I can only write about this from my perspective of a woman that other women talk to -- I am NOT in any way trying to vilify men, because I'm sure many men are suffering from abuses as well. It's just that, as a woman, I obviously haven't had as many men tell me their stories (though I've still heard quite a few.)

I cannot imagine being a parent and having to have a talk with my kids about how "Choking (and other forms of violence regarding intimacy) is NOT normal and NOT right, no matter what anyone says!!" But I think in today's world, this is very necessary.

As Christians, especially Christian singles who are navigating the land mines of dating, how can we take a stand against this? Not just for ourselves, but to help others around us?

* How can we keep our minds guarded from these associations?

I don't judge anyone who watches horror movies -- I believe that's between the person and God. But one of the reasons I don't watch them is because of their notorious pairing of sex with violence and death.

I'm not asking this as a criticism, but as a genuine Christian -- for those who don't feel convicted of watching horror movies, how are you able to keep your own mental and emotional lines from being blurred?

* Have you ever felt uncomfortable with certain songs, music videos, games, movies, etc. because of the sex and violence? What did you choose to do after that? Cut down on watching, cut them out altogether, find alternatives, etc.?

* Have you had someone tell you they were experiencing violence in a relationship? What did you do in order to help?

* If you are a survivor of relationship violence, feel free to share anything you're comfortable with -- but most definitely DO NOT share if you don't have peace about it. Just pray along with us silently that we can help people/prevent them from getting into these situations.


I know this is a very sensitive topic, so please don't share anything on any level that you are uncomfortable with.

I just have a strong belief that many people are suffering from things that are seen as too taboo to talk about (especially in church.) At the very least, I hope to raise awareness that others we know might need prayers for help, whether as the victim -- or the perpetrator.

May God bless you!

I wish I had good answers for such good questions, but all I've really got to say personally is this might be part of the reason I've opted out of the whole relationship thing. But since that doesn't seem to work well for most people and doesn't do anything to actually help people see what should be rather than what is, that's not a solution that can be applied on a population wide scale.

But I think there are two underlying trends in our society that may contribute to this: 1) There are forces in our society that are trying to recast all relationships and interactions in terms of power and control. If you think in terms of power and control, force and violence are options at hand. 2) For over 50 years, sex and relationships have become about personal fulfillment and desires rather than about intimately connecting with someone and building something together. And maybe sex, divorced from the intimate long term knowing of marriage, is subject to the same loss of interest as porn is... like you have to keep having kinkier and kinkier sex to feel the same high from it. There's also the allure of the forbidden and taboo ( just like in the garden, the thing God says no to is the thing you suddenly just have to try).

Solutions- well I think keeping a high view of real love and other people is a good first step. Being deliberate in our language so that we're not equating love and sex in our words but drawing a clear distinction between them would also help. Also modeling and talking like it's not the end of the world or your chances of living a happy / fulfilled life if you can't do all the things sexually that you have thought you might want to try. Marriage and relationships involve compromise in every other area of life, why not in this area?

Though personally, I think we just need to take a very mathematical approach to it and say something like, even if you have a really active sex life, you're going to spend around 1% of your life or less actually having sex. Maybe put some of that planning and wanting and hope to be happy energy into the other 99% of your life.

I watch horror movies and a lot of them r the same story , woman in peril from one man , gets saved by another , it's one of the oldest stories in the world . I don't enjoy very realist violence or rape scenes so don't watch films that I know have them but , most violence in films is not realistic . I think we humans like to watch the conflict between the good and the bad , which is what happens in a lot of horror films etc . Often the good triumphs but not always . I am very grounded in reality so I'm not usually affected by such things and just c it as entertainment . Don't believe in ghosts or demons or witches etc . So I don't get scared or upset by such things .
As I child I was regularly beaten from being very small until I was 7 , by my dad . He eventually went to prison for assaulting me , so I have experienced real violence , I also saw and heard him beat my mum . Maybe that's why only realistic violence makes me turn it off . My mum believes my dads violence was sexual and that he would have sexually assaulted me , she gave me evidence that he was planning to rape me but I'm not sharing that . I don't believe that films , games etc make people violent . People have always been violent and indeed I think they were moreso in ages gone by . Wars were fought by hand to hand combat with knives , spears etc for centuries , look up ancient torture methods , absolutely hideous and dine on a huge scale . Men have always , mostly been stronger than women so , men have been perpetrators and women their victims since time began . All this was going on for hundreds and hundreds of years b 4 we had electricity .

I can tell you, with certainty, the biggest reason for sex and violence mixing, especially choking, is porn.
Rough and painful sex for women has risen greatly in the past few decades in porn.
And its free to watch a lot of things.
Australia noticed as porn use went up, so did domestic violence.
So there's a high likelihood if a man wants rough or violent sex with a woman, he's getting it from watching porn.

I always find it funny in TV shows , shows where there has been some kind of world disaster , where law and order have broken down completely , u c women in positions of power and authority , calling the shots etc , it's laughable . It just would not happen . The only thing that stops people , all and any people , from commiting all kinds of violent acts is , fear of the consequences , such as going to prison . Communities need rules or they would just end up wiping themselves out and the strongest r the ones that end up making / imposing the rules just because they r physically stronger . We only need to look at history to c that . All kinds of horrible things go on behind closed doors , closed doors very close to your own no doubt . Only God sees everything and if I'm honest , I don't want to c what He can or know what He knows , but it must all b very horrible . Thankfully He will bring an end to all this death and violence and oppression . Thy Kingdom Come Lord .

Linking sex and violence with porn makes the most sense to me. There was an article just this week about how men in a remote Amazonian tribe (Marubo tribe) became more sexually aggressive after getting access to the internet and porn.

I kinda think that is the heart of the matter... Christians won't talk about those things, so people are stuck getting their info from worldly sources.

I can't say too much because I probably wouldn't be super open about it either if I was married... I guess it would depend on what my hubby was comfortable with.

I remember a few years ago, a young friend was about to get married and was pretty scared about the whole intimacy thing. She was hoping it would come up in her premarital counseling, but when it didn't she was stuck asking me and another never-married friend. So I wasn't really sure what to tell her, except that I knew her fiancee was a good guy, that he loved her and would be kind and respectful.

I also told her I thought it would be OK for her and her fiancee to have an honest conversation about expectations just to set her mind at ease (the wedding was only a month away), but she had been raised pretty straight-laced about those things and wasn't comfortable with the idea and said they would just figure it out after the wedding. They just had their first baby, so I guess it was a valid option lol.... still, I hated to see her feeling so apprehensive about one of the happiest days of her life. 😕

Sexual sadism and masochism have always existed , there is a huge amount of evidence for it in Europe . If u r interested just do an historical study , many of the so called 'religious' rights of ancient cultures were just excuses to torture and murder people for the sexual gratification of the leaders of those cultures . All that has happened is that in the last only 50 , yes think about that , only 50 odd years since we have had computer technology , more people than ever can b aware of these things and choose to experiment with them if they wish . The internet just shines a bright light ( or a dark one if u like ) on things that were previously not in view by the general public but have very definitely always existed . What does Solomon say ? There is no new thing under the sun . What does God say about the tower of Babel ? Genesis Ch 11 , the whole earth was of one language , remind u of anything ? Verse 6 : Behold , the people is one , and they have all one language ; and thus they begin to do : and now nothing will be restrained from them , which they have imagined to do . Ring any bells folks ? U r looking at it right now , the modern day tower of Babel .

While the "modern day tower of Babel" bit is somewhat overdramatic, I have been saying the rest of it for years. Humans have always been this evil. The only difference with technology is, now we have more opportunity to express it.

I appreciate everything you share here on the site, Lady Magenta.

I'm very sorry for thing you have been through but I have seen you using that to help others here continuously. ❤️

Outstanding post... I bookmarked this to come back to in the future.

The part that stood out to me the most was the mention of society trying to "recast relationships in terms of power and control." Boy, does that seem to be true -- and it's frightening.

Thank you for taking the time to write such a thought-provoking answer!

I am so sorry for what you've been through! People like you are amazing and inspiring to me. One of the reasons I used to write inmates who had life in prison (often the abused who had killed an abuser and some became abusers themselves,) is because I wonder where I would have wound up if it would have been me.

It's very interesting to me how different forms of violence affect us all differently.

I loved the action movies of the 80's and 90's because I loved the idea of a big macho go giving the bad guys their just desserts. It was cathartic to me to see a few moments of "justice" carried out on the big screen that so often eludes us in real life. But yes, that's always very overdone violence just for the sake of being violent.

What I can't handle is depictions of real-life violence that we all know happened or is happening in the every world. I remember being forced to watch the movie Glory (taken from the US civil war,) and to this day, the scene where they had to hold down a screaming soldier begging for mercy to amputate his legs haunts me. I cannot watch war movies without flinching and hiding during the worst parts, knowing it's all too real.

I also remember another movie with domestic violence where a man twice the size of his girlfriend drags her behind the couch. They don't show the impact but they show his fists raising back and punching down time and time again, and later show the aftermath of the girlfriend's now barely-recognizable-as-human face.

And I felt like my soul was cracking and falling to the floor like a broken mirror.

I am so sorry about what so many people go through, which is why I write about these topics.

We serve an all-knowing, all-powerful, loving God.

As pessimistic as I can become, part of me just won't give up on the hope that God calls us and will mercifully empower us to make some kind of a difference while we can.

I have to confess, I don't know much about porn, but I have no doubt what you're saying is true from the things I read and reports I listen to.

I always have an interest in trying to foster and encourage healthy reactions between men and women -- but I admit that with so much working against us all, it often feels hopeless.

This makes me so sad for your friend -- I'm so glad she at least had you and another friend to talk to, even if neither of you were married.

I get so frustrated because people will say, "Talk things out BEFORE marriage! Talk about it in pre-marriage counseling! You should have known better! You should have talked it out!" I don't know what others' experiences have been, but finding anyone to talk about ANY of these things when I was growing up was impossible. When I got married, I don't think the pastor even MENTIONED sex during our "pre-marital counseling", except, of course, to wait until we were actually married.

In my experience, no one in church talks about much of anything that people are really struggling with behind the masks.

Part of the reasons I've struggled with depression/suicidal feelings even as a Christian, which some say is impossible -- but for me it wasn't, because I couldn't find anyone at the time whom I could trust or was willing to talk to about what bothered me most.

Even as as I was becoming an older teenager, I told God, "I can't find anyone open enough or trustworthy enough to talk to, so when I grow up, please help me to be that person to someone else."

And because I'm honored to have the privilege of various people who talk to me, particularly younger women, I am thankful to God for answering that prayer.

This is also exactly why I write the threads I do, because no one talked about these things, and it would have saved me a lot of self-destructive habits if they would have.

I just hope to be able to help someone else in the process.

I have to say that I do find the history of domestic violence and abuse to be one very depressing maze of a subject.

I was reading one article on this topic with a black-and-white photograph from the 1800's of a young girl who was about 8 years old. The only skin she had showing was her forearms, feet, and ankles, and it was heartbreakingly pointed out that she had several visible scars and marks from being cut with scissors. But nobody blinked an eye at such things in those days.

I've also read about American men who, fed up with Western women (which I can understand,) bring home beautiful young wives with "traditional values" from foreign countries -- who later get arrested for whipping and beating their children when they have them.

What these men don't seem to understand is that in many other cultures, children aren't seen as fully-grown humans with rights, but property -- and what we call child abuse here in the US is seen as normal discipline in many other places.

I certainly agree with you that there is nothing new under the sun.

It's just that when I was growing up, Madonna (the singer, not the mother of Christ) was considered to be one of the worst secular influences at the time. Her song, "Papa Don't Preach," about a young unwed teen who decides to keep her baby instead of having an abortion, set off a flurry of controversy at the time. One of my high school pastors said, "Hell will be hot for Madonna."

And nowadays we have teens listening to songs about choking during sex as being something completely normal and expected.

Things like this make me say an extra prayer for all the parents out there, because I could not imagine having a talk with my kids over subjects like this -- but now it seems all too necessary.

I struggle with films about world war two . Maybe because we do actually have real images of the suffering that went on during it and maybe because my grandad fought in it and told me just a few things that happened to him . World war two is just too real for me to watch it in a fiction film setting .

I watch a lot of movies, but avoid horror movies. There's enough real horror in the world to keep me from enjoying such a movie. I think some people might enjoy the suspense in those movies, but I just don't like them at all.

I'm thinking that most young people today probably have a difficult time building real relationships with those of the opposite sex. As the world lends itself to evermore technology, there seems to be less opportunity for mingling, except through the technology.

In the UK , when I was young , people used to meet in pubs . All ages gathered there , not just to get drunk but to socialize , play darts , pool , dominoes , sing on karaoke etc . Old and young alike . Some of the nicest pubs were the local ones where the people from that community used to gather . Everyone knew every one , from generation to generation . I can't tell u how many of those pubs r gone now . The beginning of the end was the smoking ban , then high prices , then covid . Dozens of them have disappeared from my small town . Where do people go now ? Where else do generations of local people meet to socialize now ? I walk past these empty buildings regularly , places that my grandad went to , my aunties , uncles , cousins , school friends and their parents etc . So many happy memories and now these building r just empty dead things . Very sad . Lots of people sat home alone 😕 . We didn't know how fortunate we were and I don't think anyone could predict the death of the pub , the place where people , for literally generations , met to have fun .

I've thrown a lot of darts in pubs in England, and eaten meals in the pubs as well. It's too bad that those places seem to be going away.