1 Samuel 18:27 “Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.”
When I first read this scripture years ago, two immediate thoughts crossed my mind:
1. Ewww! Foreskins were an actual, heavily traded commodity in the Old Testament?!? How to keep cash without getting a disease?
2. Efficient! Honestly, going out and collecting 200 obnoxious "scalps" seems way faster than modern online dating, swiping through endless profiles, and pretending to care about someone's crypto portfolio.
We’ve all seen plenty of threads about arranged marriages, bride prices, and modern dating exhaustion. But remarkably, there is a distinct lack of discourse on foreskin-based economics.
So let’s break down the market:
For the gals:
1) Would you accept a marriage proposal from a mysterious stranger (or a guy you sort of like from the coffee shop) if he showed up with "the goods" in a velvet-lined jewelry box?
2) What is your magic number? (Inflation adjusted, is 200 still standard, or does a college degree drive the price up?
3) Sourcing check: Given that uncircumcised Philistines are a dying breed in our current real estate market, where would you expect him to ethically (or unethically) source them?
For the guys:
1) What do you realistically think is a fair market value for Miss Right?
2) Are you willing to risk disease, blindness - yea - even untimely death to collect it?
Here are some guidelines to begin. What do y'all think?
1: If a guy can’t even secure more than a single sketchy trophy from the local gym to prove his love, he’s probably not going to help with the dishes anyway.
2: At this level, you aren't marrying a king's daughter; you're marrying the assistant manager of a slightly suspect local storefront.
3: Look, if he only brings you three, he clearly stopped at the first minor inconvenience and just wanted to go home and play video games.
4: Four units feels less like a bride price and more like someone emptied their pockets at a very weird yard sale.
5: A meager handful is fine for a casual dating app meetup, but it’s definitely not royal wedding material.
5 - 10: A handful feels like a fair starter package for a casual engagement, assuming they're gift-wrapped in nice velvet.
20 - 50: Twenty to fifty units is basically the equivalent of getting her a nice promise ring and a moderately priced dinner at Applebee's.
50 - 75: From fifty to seventy-five, you're looking at a solid mid-tier romance—enough to secure a modest cottage, but definitely no royal princess.
75 - 80: Seventy five to eighty units screams "I tried really hard on the weekend project, but I got lazy by Sunday afternoon."
80 - 90: If he rolls up with between eighty to ninety, he's basically the guy who brings a generic grocery store cake to a birthday party and calls it a gift.
90 - 100: One hundred was Saul's magic number, but let's be real—today that probably only gets you a sponsored Instagram influencer with three thousand followers.
100 - 200: At 200 units, we’re firmly in biblical royalty territory, though honestly, it still sounds cheaper than a modern destination wedding in Tuscany.
200 - 300: Let's face it, three hundred units is the point where your friends start staging an intervention and asking where you met this guy.
300 - 350: Three-fifty gets you a royal princess, a lifetime supply of awkward family dinners, and zero questions asked about your weekend itinerary.
350 - 450: At 450, you aren't just joining a family; you're orchestrating a hostile corporate takeover of the local kingdom.
450 - 500: Once you get to 500, the wedding planner doesn't ask about floral arrangements—she asks what kind of hazard pay she needs.
500 - 600: Bringing home a grand total of these 'goods' doesn't get you a wife anymore; it gets you an immediate FBI watchlist entry and a special episode of Dateline.
600 - 700: At seven hundred units, it stops being a sweet proposal and starts looking like an extremely aggressive loyalty program reward.
700 - 800: Pushing past 800 means you're either marrying a tech CEO's daughter or running a deeply concerning black-market startup.
800 - 900: At over 900 units, you aren't looking for a bride—you're trying to launch a publicly traded biotech conglomerate.
900 - 1000: If a guy drops a thousand on your doorstep, run—because he didn't just clear out the local Philistines, he depopulated an entire geographic region.
When I first read this scripture years ago, two immediate thoughts crossed my mind:
1. Ewww! Foreskins were an actual, heavily traded commodity in the Old Testament?!? How to keep cash without getting a disease?
2. Efficient! Honestly, going out and collecting 200 obnoxious "scalps" seems way faster than modern online dating, swiping through endless profiles, and pretending to care about someone's crypto portfolio.
We’ve all seen plenty of threads about arranged marriages, bride prices, and modern dating exhaustion. But remarkably, there is a distinct lack of discourse on foreskin-based economics.
So let’s break down the market:
For the gals:
1) Would you accept a marriage proposal from a mysterious stranger (or a guy you sort of like from the coffee shop) if he showed up with "the goods" in a velvet-lined jewelry box?
2) What is your magic number? (Inflation adjusted, is 200 still standard, or does a college degree drive the price up?
3) Sourcing check: Given that uncircumcised Philistines are a dying breed in our current real estate market, where would you expect him to ethically (or unethically) source them?
For the guys:
1) What do you realistically think is a fair market value for Miss Right?
2) Are you willing to risk disease, blindness - yea - even untimely death to collect it?
Here are some guidelines to begin. What do y'all think?
1: If a guy can’t even secure more than a single sketchy trophy from the local gym to prove his love, he’s probably not going to help with the dishes anyway.
2: At this level, you aren't marrying a king's daughter; you're marrying the assistant manager of a slightly suspect local storefront.
3: Look, if he only brings you three, he clearly stopped at the first minor inconvenience and just wanted to go home and play video games.
4: Four units feels less like a bride price and more like someone emptied their pockets at a very weird yard sale.
5: A meager handful is fine for a casual dating app meetup, but it’s definitely not royal wedding material.
5 - 10: A handful feels like a fair starter package for a casual engagement, assuming they're gift-wrapped in nice velvet.
20 - 50: Twenty to fifty units is basically the equivalent of getting her a nice promise ring and a moderately priced dinner at Applebee's.
50 - 75: From fifty to seventy-five, you're looking at a solid mid-tier romance—enough to secure a modest cottage, but definitely no royal princess.
75 - 80: Seventy five to eighty units screams "I tried really hard on the weekend project, but I got lazy by Sunday afternoon."
80 - 90: If he rolls up with between eighty to ninety, he's basically the guy who brings a generic grocery store cake to a birthday party and calls it a gift.
90 - 100: One hundred was Saul's magic number, but let's be real—today that probably only gets you a sponsored Instagram influencer with three thousand followers.
100 - 200: At 200 units, we’re firmly in biblical royalty territory, though honestly, it still sounds cheaper than a modern destination wedding in Tuscany.
200 - 300: Let's face it, three hundred units is the point where your friends start staging an intervention and asking where you met this guy.
300 - 350: Three-fifty gets you a royal princess, a lifetime supply of awkward family dinners, and zero questions asked about your weekend itinerary.
350 - 450: At 450, you aren't just joining a family; you're orchestrating a hostile corporate takeover of the local kingdom.
450 - 500: Once you get to 500, the wedding planner doesn't ask about floral arrangements—she asks what kind of hazard pay she needs.
500 - 600: Bringing home a grand total of these 'goods' doesn't get you a wife anymore; it gets you an immediate FBI watchlist entry and a special episode of Dateline.
600 - 700: At seven hundred units, it stops being a sweet proposal and starts looking like an extremely aggressive loyalty program reward.
700 - 800: Pushing past 800 means you're either marrying a tech CEO's daughter or running a deeply concerning black-market startup.
800 - 900: At over 900 units, you aren't looking for a bride—you're trying to launch a publicly traded biotech conglomerate.
900 - 1000: If a guy drops a thousand on your doorstep, run—because he didn't just clear out the local Philistines, he depopulated an entire geographic region.
