I Need Help

The last 2 years of my marriage have been very bad. Due to some incidents that I am still not sure of I became very depressed and suicidal. In order to survive emotionally I had to go outside the marriage for emotional support. Something I haven't done in 21 years. I did not cheat but just wanted emotional support from a long distance friend online.

Well the emotional abuse still continues and I can't take it anymore. I often feel suicidal and don't see any future for me at all the way things are now. I even told my husband tonight that I had to go outside the marriage for emotional support and how did he respond? He laughed. It didn't seem to bother him at all. He was neither angry or jealous. I find that strange if he really loved me.

In fact he doesn't find the person to be a threat at all and was quite insulting regarding my friends occupation. He is full of so much pride that he doesn't think any one else would want me or that I am worth wanting. I feel like total garbage and not to sound desperate but if God doesn't intervene and do something about this I don't think I will survive.

I am feeling really broken and want to die. I don't think I even have the energy to leave my husband and start a new life after 21 years of his abuse.

I was crying for at least an hour and he knew and just ignored me. He knows that I like to be held or at least acknowledged when I cry because I have told him this directly numerous times. But his excuse was he was just waiting for me to cool down. I don't buy it. I think he purposely withholds any support to hurt me.

I need this to end.

A couple of questions... when you say that you became depressed and suicidal due to some incidents that you are not sure of... you're not sure what those incidents are? Or you're not sure what to do about them?

And if the last two years of your marriage have been very bad, how were the first 19? Can you pinpoint why things changed? Did things change because you became depressed, or did you become depressed because things changed?

Poopsey, you are in my prayers in Jesus for all His love, comfort and streangth that you need .
Your husband is in my prayers as well that Jesus will convict his heart and bring salvation and healing in him.

Huge hugs and God bless
pickles

I will pray for comfort and guidance for you. God bless

I'm not totally sure of what those incidents are. If I was I would know what to do but it still wouldn't be easy.

The first 19 were not all rosy either. Very up and down. Like a rollercoaster. The only recent change in the past 2 years is that we moved to a new house. Perhaps my husband thinks he has the world by the tail. It is a given that he takes me for granted and thinks I will always be here to put up with him but he is wrong. I am closer and closer to leaving and if I do I will never look back. He had 21 years and if that is not long enough to treat me properly then it will never happen.

I think my depression is situational. Only problem is that it has been prolonged and when I have been oppressed for a long time it is that much harder to get out of it.

I really don't believe in divorce but I cannot spend the rest of my life being abused by someone that is supposed to build me up and love me. I feel like my husband is literally squeezing the life right out of me. It's a miracle I have been able to hold on for 21 years but I don't want to waste my whole life like this.

This is something that might help. Please read this book, even if you think your marriage is hopeless. If you show unconditional respect to your husband he just might change.

Love and Respect Ministries

Praying for you. *hugs*

I appreciate your advice but it seems like you are making me responsible for my husband's abuse or thinking that I have the power to change another human being. If that was so don't you think it would have happened already after 21 years? I have tried everything and nothing works. No matter how hard I try or don't try I still get abused. I can't control another human being.

I'm sorry but you are quite young and have you been abused for 21 years? If not then you don't know what it is like and how hard it is to get out. I think that it is coming to the point where I will just leave and start over and take that risk. If it doesn't work out than I can't be any worse off than I am now since I am totally miserable and feel alone. The only difference would be financially and that can be worked on.

Once my husband has totally destroyed me emotionally then how much respect do you think he is going to get then?

I guess I'll have to do this all alone and take my chances.

Poopsey, perhaps you could separate yourself from your husband, just for a little while, to give you time to pray about what to do? Not divorce him, but just take a break for a week or two, maybe with a close (female) friend or family member?

It sounds like your husband doesn't know Jesus, although I'm in no place to judge. If he's NOT a believer, then it's ok for you to let HIM divorce YOU, if that's what he wants to do. I Corinthians 7:10-15 is a good passage to read, especially verses 13 & 15

"And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him......But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother of sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace."

I'm NOT saying that letting him divorce you is the answer, but it certainly sounds like SOMETHING needs to change. Ask God to show you what that something is, and be obedient, even if He tells you something that you don't want to hear. Goodness knows He's told ME stuff I didn't want to hear......

It would also help if you ask Jesus to fill you with The Holy Spirit, because it will be easier to hear His direction if you do

P.S. If your husband IS a Christian, then divorce definitely isn't the answer, just to clarify. Jesus can work this out, if both of you allow Him to . I'll pray for your situation. -Nichole

You're right. Divorce isn't the answer. The answer is to let my husband abuse me to the point where I either lose my marbles or kill my self.

Thank you. If Jesus was going to work it out he had 21 years to do so.

I think unless a miracle happens it is time for me to leave.

By the way I have no support system whatsoever so when I say I would have to do it alone I meant exactly that.

If I left I would never reconcile. Like I said he had 21 years. If my life and happiness isn't worth anything then maybe I shouldn't be on this retarded planet anymore.

Either nobody cares or they want me to suffer.

So much for religious people.

Well, if you DO decide to leave, then I wouldn't judge you for it, but that doesn't mean that it's the right thing to do.

Judging from your above response, it sounds like your husband IS a Christian. Perhaps both of you would be willing to attend Christian marriage counseling? It's just a thought, I'm not telling you what to do......

My point wasn't that you should just stay and take it, my point was that you should seek God's answer in the situation. If you have already done so, then I apologize for implying otherwise.

You might not agree with this observation, but it sounds as if you and your husband sort of "feed off" of each others' emotions......like, he does something insensitive, so you get depressed, so he gets even less sensitive, so you get even MORE depressed.....it's like a never-ending cycle.

However, if both of you have Jesus in your hearts, then the cycle can be broken, with His help. NOTHING is too big for Him, we just have to seek His answer, and be obedient to it.

Nevertheless, I won't judge you if you decide to leave. Just keep in mind that God might have something MUCH better for you, if you stay and let Him help the two of you work it out. Regardless, I want God's best for you, no matter what it is

I know it's going to be really easy for me to say this, since I'm not in your situation. But I've been in some rough places.

But if there is anything your husband does that is caring, loving, doting, etc... think on these things. The more often you tell yourself that you're being abused and that you HAVE to go to someone else for emotional support, the worse off things will seem and become.

I agree very much with psychomom, about going to Jesus for emotional support. The Lord is a father to the fatherless, and a husband to the widow. Draw as near to Him as you can, and make Him your focus. If He is right beside you, who can stand against you? He says that you are loved even more than you know, right where you are... more than ANY human being could ever love you.

And perhaps taking a break (separation, not divorce) IS the best thing to do. But no matter what, nobody will love you as much as Jesus does. He thought you were worth dying for, and He wants you to love Him and make Him the focus of your life, above all else.

One last thing. I'm praying for both of you, that things will all work out, and that you will have peace.

If it's that bad you should pray over it and if you feel that you should get out then make a plan and stick to it to get out of that living situation and move away and start a new life.

Sweetie, people do care and are very sorry that you are suffering. We just try to offer advice and, of course, you are free to leave whatever doesn't help.

I went through a dark time with my husband when I also felt emotionally abandoned and rejected. I finally came to the conclusion that I was going to have to become independently strong for my own sake.

This involved A LOT of forgiveness along with letting go of A LOT of bitterness and resentment. It involved 'remaking myself'. And the only way I could do this successfully, was by the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

I knew I had to have a major attitude adjustment Joyce Meyer's book "Battlefield of the Mind" has REALLY helped me. It took me 2-3 years to come out of this darkness. When I detect those dark thoughts coming back in, I get out that book again and go through it. And pray for the demons to be eliminated from my life.

My relationship with my husband began improving. I stopped depending on him for my 'validation'. I found things to do that made me feel like a worthwhile person. New activities, new friends.

And best of all, I started feeling like I was hearing God's voice again. An attitude of bitterness and resentment will keep us in the wilderness. I had to decide for myself that I was tired of being in the wilderness.

May God work that same miracle in your life...He's waiting to be your comforter and counselor

Would you consider going to Christian marriage counseling with him? Even if he refused, it may help you

I'll be saying a pray for you <3
God Bless and stay strong!

~Olivia

It is kind of hard to explain everything on a forum. My husband isn't always a jerk. That is the problem if he was always like this I would have been gone a long time ago. He is up and down. He isn't always negative but when he is he says very cutting things.

As for that book I have that and there is some good things in there but I think it is hard to put it into practice. I'll have to read it again I guess. I don't think I depend on my husband for validation. He says a lot of things that I know are not true and I always challenge him on it. But it still hurts when someone who is supposed to build you up is the one trying to tear you down.

My husband is being nice now but I know it won't last. He will again get angry and foam at the mouth. If he just swore or something it wouldn't really bother me but he says very cutting things and threatens abandonment. But yet he never leaves and it's been 21 years.

I asked him about the friend thing and why he wasn't jealous. I think he might have been some but hides it. He basically said he knows that I think things through and that I would never leave him for someone else. So I guess that is a compliment of sorts but I don't think he should take me for granted either.

The other strange thing is the friend. He did give me emotional support at the time but things went a bit sour after that. I don't understand that either. I feel like I'm getting spiritually attacked from all directions at times.

I really am wondering about that friend of mine too. I think he was playing some kind of mind game with me and just would like to know what is really going on.

I need God to reveal what is going on and why all this is happening. I have prayed about this for a while now and still don't feel that things are resolved.

I will be praying for you both...

If you keep reacting the same way to his behavior...
He will never change...
Change your behavior to get a different reation from him.
When my husband was rude... it use to make me quiet or cry...
when I started laughing at his rudeness...
It made him stop and get quiet.
God gave me the wisdom to understand that it was not my husband trying to hurt me.
I truely believe the enemy was trying to hurt me through my husbands anger...
When I laughed at the behavior...it showed that I was no longer being hurt.
God bless, Shekaniah

Good insight. That is what I was thinking that the enemy is working through both my husband and the so called friend to hurt me. The Bible states we fight not against flesh and blood but it is a spiritual battle. Giving them a different reaction than they expect is sure to get them thinking.

The friend has to go and I will see what happens with the husband.

I have to get stronger within myself so that I am not a pawn in anyone's hands.