im probably the worst christian ever

i have so much hate harbored inside. i cant unleash it. i cant change it. i cant forgive anyone or myself. especially my father. i hate him. i cant help it. hes the worst. i cant stand him at all. hes the worst father ever. when i was younger he believed in using a belt to discipline. that is the worst method of discipline. it screws the kid up. atleast thats what it did to me. it made me think that my parents hate me. so i hated them in return. my dad would beat me with a leather belt when he thought i did something wrong. even if i did something on accident. he would beat the back of my legs until i had marks and bruises. he told me punishment like that was in the bible. hes pretty old fashioned. and he thinks guys are superior to girls. so my younger brother can do whatever he wants. since im the type of girl that stands up for myself i always got into arguments with my dad. he would scream and spit in my face. he told me he would hit me all the time. my mom always blamed me. at one point my parents almost got a divorce. i prayed to God that it would happen. it didnt. my parents said that they dont believe in divorce. my dad has a ton of medical issues too. he has bipolar and stuff. he used to go crazy and would hurt us and himself. he has medicine he has to take for that now. hes a huge control freak. he calls himself a christian and has basically taught me that God is a dictator. he refuses to change. i dont know why my mother ever married him. he controls her. i wish i was never born. i serve no purpose. i benefit no one in anyway. i have no friends. everything is slipping away. ive thought of suicide so much but i would never do that because i know that even though i am alone in this world God still loves me. pray for me. i need help. i need God more than ever. i dont want to fall away. the price may be too great....