Self Loathing - Why Should I Care?

I don't know why I'm posting this. I was raised in a Pentecostal church. My dad was a minister, so I was taught about Jesus from the crib.

Last night, I was reading the book, See Yourself As God Sees You by Josh McDowall. I could not put the book down, but it upset me so much that at 5 am, I had to stop reading and take 10 mg of Valium. It only lasted for a few hours, but I fought through the sleepiness because I could not put that book down. I know that Josh is just a man, and I don't necessarilly agree with everything he said in the book, and he mentioned attributes that I don't feel I have, but there were so many things he mentioned that describe me perfectly. And the more I read, the more I wanted to scream in rage. I'm not going to say what I wanted to do to myself, but let's just say that it was not Christlike.

My problem isn't that I don't believe God loves me. I know that He does love me, but there is a part of me that hates Him for it. It would make sense if He hated me the way His creation does. It's like He's patronizing me. I do not have the capacity to care that God loves me. I don't care who I am in Christ. I'm not ungrateful for the cross. If other people hated me over the years, then evidently they knew better than God.

I was at a church service one night and there was a guest speaker. He was supposed to be a prophet, or something, so people in the church were all lined up waiting to hear what he thought The Lord was saying to them. I have my reservations about personal prophecy, especially if they're prosperity preachers (this guy was not a prosperity preacher). Finally, I waited until the last minute to go up. I thought, what have I got to lose? I was the last person in line. I didn't expect anything, but there was something in the back of my mind that thought, if this guy does hear from God, maybe he can tell me what I'm supposed to do with my life. The "word from The Lord" for me was different than what I expected. After a few seconds of silence, he said that I need to know who I am in Christ. That caught me off guard. I thought, WHAT?! That's it?! That's your "prophecy"?! No instruction from God?! No direction?! No Bible college or career advice?! What am I supposed to do with that worthless information?! That is the most intangibile, useless thing anyone's ever told me! I already know that!!!

And when I was reading Josh McDowall's book last night, he said the same thing. If humans hate me, they must be right. I must be worthy of their hatred and critisism. Why am I still alive when other people who are worthy to be living are dead now? It is a great evil. I hate myself so much that I sometimes actually want to kill myself just so God can send me to hell. Every time I use the bathroom, I'm using water and taking up sewage space that other people deserve. I feel like I'm not only a waste of space, but a waste of sewer space, too. Oh, and by the way, I'm also on disability. That's right; each and every one of you hard working taxpayers out there gives me a tiny fraction of a penny that you earn once a month. I don't work because I don't want to end up in prison or the morgue. If you have a problem with that, tough. I don't have it in me to care anymore.

I'm tired of the obligatory handshakes in church. I'm tired of the fake smiles I have to wear. I could not care any less about how sister so and so is doing, but I ask her anyway because it is required of me. I'm so angry that I feel like I'm going to vomit.

I'm not posting this thread with the intent to receive pity or attention. I know many Scriptures that talk about how much God loves us. None of them, no matter how beautiful they are, mean anything to me anymore.

So what's my prayer request? (This is a prayer request forum, after all.) I honestly don't know. I'd like to trust God, but I can't. I'd like to believe the promises in the Bible, but I can't. I want to, but I can't. To me, hope is a hard slap in the face. It is an insult because it does not exist. If God is the Author and Perfecter of my faith, He's going to have to start writing and perfecting because I see no reason for my existence whatsoever.

As a mom who's raising her boys in faith, but who did not grow up personally knowing the love of the Lord my heart breaks for you.

You've gone their way and now it is time for you to go your own way. Do not wait on the prophesy's of man, you know your Bible, you know your scripture since you were born. Now it is time to pray and be still and know He is GOD. Be still for awhile young man. Dont read these writings of man, read the word of God, pray fast & be still.

I pray that this shall pass for you. I dont know why you have valium. Its best to not deal using that stuff unless its some major medical thing you are dealing with that I am not aware of.

I wish I could give you an answer. You know the answer. Now just be still and listen. Maybe take a break from your church building for a month... not forever but for a time, for it is not good for you to have such feelings and such frustration. I dont mean take a break from Christ... Please promise me before you consider turning away that you will diligently seek the Lord daily in prayer & reading His word and perhaps attend another church for a time.

The time has come for you to solidify your faith as your own. There are things at work here that we cant see or understand... just know satan rejoices greatly when he see's us falling away... Especially one such as you with such foundation. I pray that you will come to a place where your faith is your very own and you will feel the present Lord wrap his arms around you and show you his love. that you will know the love of the Lord in your own personal way. Bless your heart & I will pray for you. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Another thing to keep in mind is to question what you are taught within the Church & verify that it lines up with scripture. Some would say others are ill because they lack faith... teachings like that can do great harm. We are healed if it is the will of God and not because we order God. Also, I'm with you on prosperity gospel. God does desire to bless us but it doesnt mean we will all be blessed financially. I count spiritual blessings higher than financial & know I have no right to demand anything from the Lord. I pray for you young brother. No more self loathing for you are a precious child of God... Stop listening to lies that say you are anything other than that!

Grow in grace.

As someone who also grew up in church, my grandpa was a pastor and my dad the music director, I understand. I believe there is a time in everyone's life where they have to take the Scriptures and truths and promises they've heard all their lives and make them personal. Some do this when they are young, and some, like you and I go through it later.

I think the truly unconditional all-encompassing love of God is maybe not the hardest to understand but the hardest to accept. We've grown up hearing daily even the stories of Abraham and David and Moses and many others. Who of us can even come close to measuring up? The knowledge of what I believed and how I should live had been instilled in me from before I can remember and rightly so. But, that is a hard, no impossible, standard to live up to. The beautiful thing is I don't have to live up to that standard. Right, wrong, or indiffernet, God loves me just as I am, and what's more, He purposely created me just this way.

We say, "I see myself as God sees me." In reality, we are saying, "I see myself the way I think God should see me." I think God should see me as a wretched sinner. A disgrace to the cause of Christ. A worthless excuse for a woman. The truth is God sees me white as snow. God sees me pure and desirable. When I accepted Christ sacrifice for my sin, the blood of Jesus washed away my sin and made me a new creature in Christ. God sees me as His beloved daughter (whether I want Him to or not. Whether I feel it or not.)

Hope can seem like a slap in the face when you do not trust God or worse feel God has let you down. But, hope can also be the balm that takes away the hurt. I have been where you are. Many of your words have been my own. Please do not give up. It does not seem it right now, but God, a loving yet still just God, is waiting just for you. You will be in my prayers!

Hi nightowl, first, I will be praying for you.
God dosnt always tell you where you should be, He simply makes sure your feet land on the strait path.
Scripture says, man may shoose his coarse, but God determines his steps.
Faith is also believing that God loves you, I know that you have heard this, but from one that struggled for many years to believe that I was loved,
I finnally learned that knowing God's Love is believing, it is also learned by loving others.
Im sure this may all seem just a repeat of what you have learned, but it is learning it not in the world, but in Jesus that makes the differance.
I dont know if I helped much, but know my prayers are with you, hitting the wall in faith is never easy, but the good fight to make it through is worth everything.
Keep up the good fight, keep the faith!
smiles in Jesus, God bless. pickles

Thank you all for your kind and sincere replies. It's okay to not have answers. If I understand all mysteries, yet I do not have love, I am nothing.

Night owl, on some of this i can relate.

Thank you, Nod. (Mind if I call you Nod?)

only if i can call you owl

I've been where you are. All you need is inspiration.

I pray that God will hear you seeking him, and grant you inspiration.

Thank you, Dave. As I was in the shower earlier today, I felt like the Holy Spirit was saying to me over and over again, "I love you. I love you." I kept reminding Him of the failure that I've been, the years I've wasted, the pounds I've gained, the witnessing opportunities I've squandered, the spiritual mountains I should have moved, etc., and all the while, He continued to say, "I love you."

I do not want to come off as ungrateful or indifferent toward Him, but somehow, somewhere along the way, I lost the ability to care that He loves me. It's just head knowledge now. There is no "18 inch connection" between my head and my heart. And God knows my heart, and He knows I don't want to fight Him, either. I don't want to resist Him, but I don't know what I should do on my part.

"Owl" it is, then.

Then i will reluctantly let you call me nod

Gee, thanks. I'm honored that you would make such an exception for me. It's just easier to type "Nod", that's all.

Thank you so much for sharing this. It's good to understand. I have friends that are going through this same thing. Personally, I haven't, but on some level, i do understand because I've seen it. If you ever need or want to talk (about anything at all, really...I don't care if you want to talk about how pretty bubbles are), you can message me.

Just continue to not fight Him and He'll do the rest.

I'm gonna call you guys night & like yeah... ;0)

Thank you, dear sister.

Honestly -- until God removed the veil from my eyes -- leading me to my carnal ways --Romans 5. I thought my sin would just happen and I was forgiven -- and that was that -- I go to heaven.

Now I see the Bible so differently -- Jesus died to help me live this life -- molding me each day to one day be with God and be more like him. Seeing it that way -- I see the fight of faith and spiritual battle is between my flesh and spirit. It seems so much deeper now -- I know I could never be good enough or work my way in God's favor. I can never witness to someone -- it needs to be God. A completely selfless act -- and just that -- not by my doing.

Praying for someones salvation now -- it is a quest from my heart to God --the work is done in me now -- instead I always thought everyone else needed to change. Really -its me -- I am the one who needs to change -- Paul really had it right and Jesus was selfless.

Its so deep to me now.

Matthew 19: 23-26;
Then Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, "Who then can be saved?" Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

Zechariah 4: 6;
Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit, saith the LORD of hosts.

1 Corinthians 4: 20;
For the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk but of power.

1 Corinthians 13: 12;
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

Romans 8: 31, 37-39;
What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.


Yeah, see, I am familiar with these Scriptures. I understand what Paul was saying. I just don't know how to make the "Eighteen Inch Connection" between my mind (knowledge) and my heart (experience). To me, I don't see God as a person, but as something horrible. I was raised in a Pentecostal church and I was terrified of tongues. That was crammed down my throat from the time I was a toddler. My parents took me to a Jimmy Swaggart crusade in Lakeland, FL, when I was four. Although I had no idea what tongues was, I distinctly remember how much I wanted it, because that was all Jimmy Swaggart talked about. I remember going to different churches and feeling the supernatural power of God there, but being absolutely petrified of it at the same time. The power was always associated with screaming, sweaty preachers. What do you think that does to a little boy? It's just social tradition. If you're not hollering, you're not really praying. We are to offer a "sacrifice of praise", so let's make fools of ourselves and scream at the top of our lungs! Oh, that's the way to do it, brother! Yes! Get angry at the devil! Let's all curse the devil right now, Hallelujah! Devil, you're a liar! I want everybody to pray in the Holy Ghost right now! I got me a mansion up in Glory, praise God! Gimme my prayer cloth!

There were never any benedictions in any of the churches I was dragged to as a child. You weren't dismissed until you had "prayed through". After an hour of singing songs about going to Heaven, and another hour of angry preaching, it was required of everyone to get out of their church pews and spend yet another half hour or more at the altar, just wailing and bawling. Oh, those were the good ol' days, there, brother! Yessir. People don't love God anymore because they want to go home and watch their "American Idol", instead. The Bible says idol worshippers will go to Hell! The men were sometimes just as emotional as the women. One might think a six year old child would not remember stuff like that, but it has been ingrained so deep into my subconscious memories that I can't help but feel that that's how God is. I've always associated God with a massive, ominous, black cloud of power and discipline. In my logical mind, I know He's not like that, but tell that to my subconscious self. God loves you! Now, get on your knees and pray like wildfire! Jesus is coming back any day now! Are you ready?! Get up here and repent, you sinner!

What I always hated is after going up to the altar (out of obligation - if we didn't go up, it meant that we were backslidden, or something), they would grab people's faces in their hands like they wanted to break their necks, or maybe they'd palmfist them in the forehead, and scream and holler Scriptures at their victims while their faces turned red. Often, the person being "prayed for" would cry (probably a psychological reaction to the emotional trauma being inflicted on them). That, people, is how you have CHURCH. You go your way, I'm goin' God's way! If you think I want to get close to a hateful, legalistic, petty God like that, let me tell you that you could not be any more wrong.

I resent not being able to edit messages more than five minutes after posting them.

I can't take back what I wrote now, but I'd like to correct a discrepancy in my previous post.

Yeah, sorry about the contradiction there. I said tongues were crammed down my throat since I was a toddler, but a few sentences later, I said that when I was four, I had no idea what tongues was.

First of all, it was not my intention to dishonor my parents or make them look like monsters. The words I wrote in red are examples of the kinds of things that pastors and guest speakers would say to the entire congregation. Of course American Idol wasn't around then, but I used that as another example of how critical they can be toward anything and everything that doesn't have any spiritual value to it. You know, legalism.

Second, tongues weren't crammed down my throat by my parents. Now that I think about it, it was more like, "that's what the adults do". They didn't hide it and they weren't ashamed of it, but no one ever forced it on me.

Still, I can't trust God if He's anything like what those church people portrayed Him to be.