I don't know why I'm posting this. I was raised in a Pentecostal church. My dad was a minister, so I was taught about Jesus from the crib.
Last night, I was reading the book, See Yourself As God Sees You by Josh McDowall. I could not put the book down, but it upset me so much that at 5 am, I had to stop reading and take 10 mg of Valium. It only lasted for a few hours, but I fought through the sleepiness because I could not put that book down. I know that Josh is just a man, and I don't necessarilly agree with everything he said in the book, and he mentioned attributes that I don't feel I have, but there were so many things he mentioned that describe me perfectly. And the more I read, the more I wanted to scream in rage. I'm not going to say what I wanted to do to myself, but let's just say that it was not Christlike.
My problem isn't that I don't believe God loves me. I know that He does love me, but there is a part of me that hates Him for it. It would make sense if He hated me the way His creation does. It's like He's patronizing me. I do not have the capacity to care that God loves me. I don't care who I am in Christ. I'm not ungrateful for the cross. If other people hated me over the years, then evidently they knew better than God.
I was at a church service one night and there was a guest speaker. He was supposed to be a prophet, or something, so people in the church were all lined up waiting to hear what he thought The Lord was saying to them. I have my reservations about personal prophecy, especially if they're prosperity preachers (this guy was not a prosperity preacher). Finally, I waited until the last minute to go up. I thought, what have I got to lose? I was the last person in line. I didn't expect anything, but there was something in the back of my mind that thought, if this guy does hear from God, maybe he can tell me what I'm supposed to do with my life. The "word from The Lord" for me was different than what I expected. After a few seconds of silence, he said that I need to know who I am in Christ. That caught me off guard. I thought, WHAT?! That's it?! That's your "prophecy"?! No instruction from God?! No direction?! No Bible college or career advice?! What am I supposed to do with that worthless information?! That is the most intangibile, useless thing anyone's ever told me! I already know that!!!
And when I was reading Josh McDowall's book last night, he said the same thing. If humans hate me, they must be right. I must be worthy of their hatred and critisism. Why am I still alive when other people who are worthy to be living are dead now? It is a great evil. I hate myself so much that I sometimes actually want to kill myself just so God can send me to hell. Every time I use the bathroom, I'm using water and taking up sewage space that other people deserve. I feel like I'm not only a waste of space, but a waste of sewer space, too. Oh, and by the way, I'm also on disability. That's right; each and every one of you hard working taxpayers out there gives me a tiny fraction of a penny that you earn once a month. I don't work because I don't want to end up in prison or the morgue. If you have a problem with that, tough. I don't have it in me to care anymore.
I'm tired of the obligatory handshakes in church. I'm tired of the fake smiles I have to wear. I could not care any less about how sister so and so is doing, but I ask her anyway because it is required of me. I'm so angry that I feel like I'm going to vomit.
I'm not posting this thread with the intent to receive pity or attention. I know many Scriptures that talk about how much God loves us. None of them, no matter how beautiful they are, mean anything to me anymore.
So what's my prayer request? (This is a prayer request forum, after all.) I honestly don't know. I'd like to trust God, but I can't. I'd like to believe the promises in the Bible, but I can't. I want to, but I can't. To me, hope is a hard slap in the face. It is an insult because it does not exist. If God is the Author and Perfecter of my faith, He's going to have to start writing and perfecting because I see no reason for my existence whatsoever.
