Shame, Disgust, Hatred and other things I do to me.

CBN 700 Club did a segment on me nearly 2 years ago. I'll put in a link to the video in case you want to see it.

With only 5 minutes to work with, they had to leave out a LOT. I mean TONS of horrid things about my childhood.

But the video does in fact cover my testimony of salvation.

Though I'm still in immense pain, having never truly faced my childhood, I have even more testimony on His determination to be with me, to comfort me, to guide me and be patient with me. He is actually THE only one whom has never left me.

The story goes on and on in horrid tones, but this moment of salvation saved me from an early death and an express train to Hell.

[video]http://www.cbn.com/tv/1472017252001[/video]

Amazing testimony. You have amazing strength. That you were able to forgive is truly supernatural. Thank you Jesus. Your testimony is an amazing story of recovery. Thank you for sharing.

Beautiful testimony! I too, was a victim of childhood sexual abuse by a youth pastor. I have lived the nightmares, the flashbacks, and just the pure hatred for life, but I held onto my faith in God through it all. I am now using my story to share with many others. Learning to forgive was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but like you, I prayed and prayed and finally worked through my emotions and forgave my attacker. I pray blessings and peace upon you and your family! Continue to share your story around the world. I told God that if one person got saved from hearing my testimony then it was all worth it. Many people have come to Christ through the testimony and so I know that it was all worth it!

Waaw. Thank you so much Robert for sharing your testimony.
So thankful God's grace is always stronger than any evil we encounter.

I think, as it all turns-out, ONLY God's grace is stronger than the evil we encounter... because I'll tell you this: I am not one molecule stronger than that evil's magnitude. Only by his grace, can I attack such a massive evil and not be devoured.

I only knew one other man that went through this systematic sexual and physical abuse growing up. Sadly, it was his own brothers if you can conceive of that.

It's pretty amazing that he's married today with a wonderful Christian wife and working full time in a Christian recovery ministry. Pretty amazing stuff given the fractured personalities such systematic abuse creates.

Lonnie Frisbee went through this growing up as well and God used Lonnie to ignite a sweeping revival among the young people of the 1970s. Read his biography: http://www.amazon.com/Not-Might-Nor-Power-Revolution/dp/0978543319

Thank You for such a great witness for Christ. I have a similar story but my abusers were professionals in the system of youth homes. What a horrible way to just survive.

You mentioned forgiving. I am not sure when I forgave my abusers. I did it more as a command from Jesus. What Jesus has shown me is that when I forgave my abusers I took control away from them. As long as the shame,disgust,hatred was there they still had control over me.

I do have one question. How do I stop projecting that I am a victim. My body language, my speech, my assertiveness all project victim. I know I do it and sometimes catch myself doing it and I stand up to it. It is just so darn automatic. I could use some scripture reminders of who I am in Christ.

Kafa

I was fortunate in my case because the youth home directors happened to be genuine Christians and because of their behavior and leadership, it was what I would call a good environment. I escaped the nightmare others did not.

I think that kind of systemic abuse creates personality changes that may never fully be overcome in this life in many of those that suffered from such abuse.

From what I have seen and read, such people benefit greatly from having strong godly male role models who impart a genuine godly masculinity to them. It's not gotten out of a book you understand but rather through modeling.

In a healthy family, boys are brought up to be men not just through instruction but by the father modeling to the son the traits he is to internalize. Through modeling, these masculine traits become part of his personality which can be passed on to others through modeling.

It works kind of like DNA though behavioral changes not genetic material are what's passed on.

Regarding "telegraphing" your abuse, survivorship and victimhood: Dropping our very foundation of life is difficult: and please let me explain:

Every man/woman on God's earth was given a childhood if they were given the gift of those first 18-years of life. The first years are SO very vital and formative to our persona that the attempts and suggestions to "forgetabouit" are all for not. I would think it easier for a Doctor to "forget" his years for med school...suggest a pilot forget his training and years of flight hour experience.

We all get a childhood to look back upon. Ours was bad. God wept for us. He did not own the evil, but he owned US. There is no shame in having been shaped by those years. If the results are undesirable, its not your fault. I fully believe that WE men do not have 1% the power to change something like conditioning and quirky behaviour under our own power. In something SO massive, we have virtually zero power. The power comes from Him upon our request.

I had NO power to eliminate cocaine from my very early years. None! There was no hope in finding that healing within me. God had ALWAYS told me what I needed to do in order to dump the addiction. It was not "find a program." He did not tell me to do anything radical. He always told me "rob, you have to deal with that stuff from childhood. Stop hiding it in your head. Trust in Me more." He said: You know that you have to tell those around you what happened.

The moment I did that...and I mean THE VERY MOMENT, the addiction went away, never to return for even one relapse.

The answer he may give you is that "I want you to keep your traits, as they are direct connection to "all that." I don't know. I DO however know that He uses survivors of trauma as "specialists" in this field.

Sorry therapists whom work with survivors, but you'll never fully know what we know. There are things only we can do in battle, identifying those in abusive situations, the abused child and adult, identify the perpetrators, etc. He may not want your personality traits to go away. They may be pure gold if you seek employment of them. I don't know...But I DO know you gotta ask our Boss.

As for scripture; I tend to latch onto ANY and ALL NT regarding the value of the child to Christ. I find it comforting that my experience IS etched in stone; that it was wrong, not my fault, and fully abhorrent to God.

BTW Kafa:

In my humble opinion, you are not a victim if you got out of that horror alive and you accepted Christ.

You are a VICTOR! ...and I'm no cheerleader. I fully believe what I say regarding survivorship.

I don't see myself as a victim. I gave this to Christ years ago. The problem is the flesh is weak and sometimes I just catch myself in victim mode. To this day the smell of old spice sends me into a terror attack for about a quarter of a second. Thank God almost no one wears that anymore.
I am going to look for what I call a power scripture that I can go to anytime the victim thing comes up.

2 Corinthians 5:17 NIV Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: "The old has gone, the new is here!"


Kefa