Work in Progress

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.

clee356

Senior Member
Apr 5, 2011
341
3
18
29
#1
It's still not very easy for me to talk about this. But I write this in hopes that it might help someone else in some way.

When I was 13, I was in a very dark place in my life. It's a long story but to sum it up, I resented God and wanted to die. It was then that I stumbled upon odd things around the house. The first was a box of condoms, and I had no idea what they were. I looked it up. Then I found a videotape stashed in my dad's desk. I watched it. It was porn. I was so disgusted and scared, so I put it back and tried to forget it was ever there.

Fast forward 3 years or so.

I was nearing the end of my high school years, and I was just so desperately lonely. I made some unwise decisions. I started chatting with random strangers online. Thankfully I never met any of them in person. But it still had an effect on me. And thankfully, I stopped shortly.

I re-dedicated my life to God in the summer of '07. I was determined to leave all this behind me. I told myself and God that I wouldn't live the way I'd been living.

Well that was definitely true. But as for this aspect of my life- it honestly got worse.

That videotape... those online conversations... it seemed like all of a sudden, I couldn't get them out of my head. And I started looking up obscene pictures. Everytime I was lonely, every time I wanted some sort of comfort, I went and looked at those pictures. It was like watching a movie to me. And almost immediately afterwards, I always had a crushing guilt. I hated myself for it. I felt like such a fraud and hypocrite.

After about a year and a half, I finally told a close friend. She was such a godsend and helped me stay accountable. That didn't make the addiction go away, but it definitely helped.

And then our family moved. To a different state.

Then I kicked it up a notch, and it went from pictures to videos.

I just always felt so much at war with myself. I asked God not to love me. I asked Him to kill me. I was just so ashamed of myself, and my self-worth just came crashing down. It was in that broken state that I made the foolish decision to get into my first relationship. It didn't help that my now ex also struggled with the same thing. And... I also let him do things to me that I should not have allowed. Which only kept feeding my addiction.

I finally got out of that relationship, but it took its toll on me. And this addiction... it kept switching on and off. I would be okay for weeks. Then I would slip. I would be okay for a month. Then I would slip.

This kind of addiction... it's not the kind that goes away in a day. Not at all. It takes a tremendous amount of effort and self- control.

I started taking internet breaks. I found that if I made sure to have uplifting music on whenever I was alone, it also stopped me. I put a filter on my computer and my fiance made a password.

No, I'm not fully delivered from this. Not yet. The thoughts are still in my head, the images are still there. But I'm a work in progress. I've come a long way. I haven't given in, in a long time. I never would have been able to write all this out for anyone to see. I was the most defeated mess, one you can't even imagine.

But I can say that I've been forgiven. I've been made new. I'm not perfect but I've been washed clean. And I'm a work in progress. I'm not where I want to be, but I'm not where I used to be. My emotions have been all over the place while I've been typing this. And now I just hope and pray that it brings some sort of comfort & encouragement to someone.

Because no one's alone in this. Especially something like this. Most people tend to think this is a man's problem, but actually, there are many Christian women struggling with this, and they think something's wrong with them. But I tell you, it's the devil trying to take us down with it.
 
Jan 12, 2013
143
5
0
#2
it is most certainly spiritual warfare beloved and you can be free google ron phillips to name the spirits responsible to be aware of the reason for those foreign thoughts . deliverance is a prayer away . I am living proof God has nailed this to the cross you have victory already .
 

StephenH

Senior Member
Oct 12, 2012
519
5
0
#3
That's what we have to realize. We've been washed clean of our sins. However, we're still be tempted by the flesh, but we can overcome that temptation through him. There's not a magic pill you can take that will cure it, it's just a condition of being human, we'll sin.

I think everyone has suffered from lust in the past, some moreso than others. I know I'm not exempt to that. I have experience with this issue as well and I believe that this is a major issue for so many people these days, far more than most of us realize just due to how easily accessible these types of images are nowadays.

We're all a work in progress.

We're a work in progress that won't be complete until the day we go to heaven to be with him. I'm looking more and more forward to the day the closer I get to him.

You're definitely in my prayers and thanks for sharing your testimony. :)
 

DavEtheBravE

Senior Member
Dec 7, 2012
108
2
0
#4
Your not alone and know that god uses are weakness to manifest greatness in our life and others. Aslong as your heart is in the right place, so are you.

Stay Blessed