Abuse in a Marriage Grounds for Divorce?

[Hungry]

It sickens my stomach to imagine a young person coming onto this site reading your violent post. To advocate rape on this Christian site is absolutely dreadful! What in the world possessed you to post that?!?

If they made it all the way through this thread then they would have seen my first two posts saying we aren’t under Law so we should quit trying to use the Law to advocate divorce for abuse because it doesn’t. We are under grace, guided by the Spirit, in love. If you want to leave a marriage then leave, you just shouldn’t remarry.

Usually it takes a number of reasons to destroy a marriage, starting right from the selection process. If one marriage failed, chances are future marriages will follow similar patters. As Christians our reason for being isn’t to cleave to other flawed people. It is to cleave to Christ. Trying to please another person or have them please you, is a distraction from serving the Lord.

 

[Didymous]

I think you're taking that a bit out of context. I don't think sexual abuse is grounds to marry. Perhaps you need to look into that a little closer. I don't think it means what you think it means.

Mixing old testament law with modern times makes no sense.

 

[Hungry]

Well 17 yrs. isn't right away. That's a pretty long time to endure abuse. And how will he get cured if he won't accept counsel or advice? He has stopped going to church. Do you think her staying in an abusive marriage and her sons seeing that is a good thing? They are on medication to cope with the issues going on in the marriage. She is a stay at home mom, she has no where she can move out to.

There is no reason for him to change. She tolerates it. If she moved out originally, before kids, before 17 years of soul sucking torture then possibly it would have either forced him to examine himself or at least kept her safe. If there aren’t any laws in place to protect battered wives from physical and financial harm then I’m even more sorry for your sister. In places like that the family needs to step in and do what needs to be done. Enter vigilante justice. My sister is confined to New Zealand because she had a child with a narcissist there. He is abusive and she left him. She couldn’t move back to Canada with her child because it would be kidnaping. She met a good man after that. It wasn’t easy to leave, but it was the right thing to do. If she didn’t I would have hopped on a plane with a baseball bat and removed her and set her up somewhere. Your sisters obligation when having children is keeping them safe. If she had to send her children elsewhere at least, then that’s what she should have done. Now the effects are planted in them. It’s a tough call to make but by doing nothing is like leaving an infected sore fester. Eventually the whole organism dies.

 

[blue_ladybug]

I'm pretty sure Kayla already knows my response to her poll question, and she DEFINITELY knows how I feel about abuse in a relationship.

That being said, I would NEVER advise a woman to stay in an abusive situation. Having been in that situation myself, it makes me qualified to make that statement. My ex wasn't abusive from the start, but it wasn't very long before he started showing his true colors. He would always yell, throw stuff at me, and one time he even tried to hit me with a broken-off tree branch that I had in the house. The last straw for me was when he tried to strangle me when I ended things with him.

God forgives EVERYTHING except for blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. And He NEVER intended for marriage to be abusive, or dangerous. I'm pretty sure He would accept abuse as grounds for divorce, as long as the person repents.

In the case of Kayla's sister, there are several guns in that house, from BB guns up to revolvers and shotguns. There is an abusive husband who knows how to use those guns, and there is a kid who is obsessed with guns and is quite comfortable in handling them, firing them and showing them off. Then there is Kayla's sister, who is literally surrounded by her husband's family living next door, and they're as violent as their son is. She can't leave with the kids without one of them seeing her and alerting her husband, who would go after her, bring her back and beat the living hell outta her. That whole situation is a time bomb waiting to go off.

What is she supposed to do? Wait until her husband goes berserk, blacks out and kills her? Or until the son finally decides to end his dad's abuse once and for all and shoots him dead? Cuz that's where this situation is headed.

 

[Hungry]

I'm pretty sure Kayla already knows my response to her poll question, and she DEFINITELY knows how I feel about abuse in a relationship.

That being said, I would NEVER advise a woman to stay in an abusive situation. Having been in that situation myself, it makes me qualified to make that statement. My ex wasn't abusive from the start, but it wasn't very long before he started showing his true colors. He would always yell, throw stuff at me, and one time he even tried to hit me with a broken-off tree branch that I had in the house. The last straw for me was when he tried to strangle me when I ended things with him.

God forgives EVERYTHING except for blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. And He NEVER intended for marriage to be abusive, or dangerous. I'm pretty sure He would accept abuse as grounds for divorce, as long as the person repents.

In the case of Kayla's sister, there are several guns in that house, from BB guns up to revolvers and shotguns. There is an abusive husband who knows how to use those guns, and there is a kid who is obsessed with guns and is quite comfortable in handling them, firing them and showing them off. Then there is Kayla's sister, who is literally surrounded by her husband's family living next door, and they're as violent as their son is. She can't leave with the kids without one of them seeing her and alerting her husband, who would go after her, bring her back and beat the living hell outta her. That whole situation is a time bomb waiting to go off.

What is she supposed to do? Wait until her husband goes berserk, blacks out and kills her? Or until the son finally decides to end his dad's abuse once and for all and shoots him dead? Cuz that's where this situation is headed.

God has placed that time bomb in each of us for a reason. Sometimes evil people just need to die. The kids need to get a Christian mentor to help them through this. If the boy likes guns, there is a reason for it. They make him feel powerful at a time when fear is ever present.

 

[pottersclay]

Basically, I agree with you. However, I'd add that slamming doors and throwing plates, while not directly abusive, is violent (probably engendering fear), and violence is a major warning sign. If I saw that level of violence in a marriage, I'd strongly recommend counseling, because it will escalate without intervention and repentance. It's a frighteningly small step from throwing a plate at a wall to throwing a punch at the perceived cause of one's distress.

By the way, if the plate is thrown at the spouse (even if it misses), that is abuse.

Many of us express anger in different ways. Frustration with one's self is usually the key problem. Most of us blame it on others because we don't know how to confront ourselves.
I have found that the approach of a person in fault is very critical to the response. If we flatly accuse and demand we are most likely to insight rage.
Proverbs says that a soft voice turns away wrath. Jesus demonstrates this in many ways.
My point was to point out that not all things although not healthy are not necessarily abuse .
We all get defensive when at fault in fact God deals with that constantly starting in the garden. If we learn to agree to disagree that is golden. No harm no foul. We must also learn to examine ourselves weather we are the accused or accuser.
Not all married couples are Christian does that mean their not married? (Speaking of man and women).
And not all relationships are married couples. So to address the over all o.p. I am dealing with it from 3000 feet above.

 

[eternally-gratefull]

Ok so I'm going to challenge what you've posted with a real life scenario. My sister has been married 17yrs. She is a Christian,her husband is a Christian. Her husband has been on the board of the church and head of the youth. Early in the marriage they began having issues. She tried to hide it but it got so bad she had to tell someone. Her husband has a violent temper. He has beaten holes in the walls, broken windows in their vehicles, broken endless phones and computers. He has cursed her, he has demeaned her in front of the children. He has threatened to commit suicide twice. They have been to pastors and Christian counselors,no change. He threw her clothes out on the front lawn and cursed her. She has done everything possible to cope with this marriage. Her children are suffering with emotional issues and have had to go on medication.

So my question to you is what would you council her to do? Do you believe God would have her and her children stay in that marriage? Her husband is unwilling to change. Should she stay and suffer?

I think she should be free. And would recommend her take the kids and leave.

The question then turns, if she gets remarried, is that adultry?
Thats the hard part

 

[kaylagrl]

I think she should be free. And would recommend her take the kids and leave.

The question then turns, if she gets remarried, is that adultry?
Thats the hard part

I would agree. She doesn't intend to remarry. After 17yrs of abuse she's done with married life if she walks away from this.

 

[eternally-gratefull]

I would agree. She doesn't intend to remarry. After 17yrs of abuse she's done with married life if she walks away from this.

her and the kids safety is what matters, Who knows. Her leaving may be the spark that causes her husband to repent and change..

 

[kaylagrl]

I'm waiting for UGs to respond so I know how to vote.

The UGs ?

 

[blue_ladybug]

The UGs ?

He's referring to UnderGrace.. lol

 

[blue_ladybug]

I'm pretty sure Kayla already knows my response to her poll question, and she DEFINITELY knows how I feel about abuse in a relationship.

That being said, I would NEVER advise a woman to stay in an abusive situation. Having been in that situation myself, it makes me qualified to make that statement. My ex wasn't abusive from the start, but it wasn't very long before he started showing his true colors. He would always yell, throw stuff at me, and one time he even tried to hit me with a broken-off tree branch that I had in the house. The last straw for me was when he tried to strangle me when I ended things with him.

God forgives EVERYTHING except for blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. And He NEVER intended for marriage to be abusive, or dangerous. I'm pretty sure He would accept abuse as grounds for divorce, as long as the person repents.

In the case of Kayla's sister, there are several guns in that house, from BB guns up to revolvers and shotguns. There is an abusive husband who knows how to use those guns, and there is a kid who is obsessed with guns and is quite comfortable in handling them, firing them and showing them off. Then there is Kayla's sister, who is literally surrounded by her husband's family living next door, and they're as violent as their son is. She can't leave with the kids without one of them seeing her and alerting her husband, who would go after her, bring her back and beat the living hell outta her. That whole situation is a time bomb waiting to go off.

What is she supposed to do? Wait until her husband goes berserk, blacks out and kills her? Or until the son finally decides to end his dad's abuse once and for all and shoots him dead? Cuz that's where this situation is headed.

I deleted the first part of this once I realized Kayla wasn't the OP.. lol.. I wonder why it still remains.

 

[kaylagrl]

What?? How do you know if her husband is a born again christian, doesnt sound like it...just because someone's on the church board doesnt mean they are born again. Sounds very unholy, ungodly behaviour to me.
Does he have a testimony at all?
Another thing thats concerning is hes threatened to commit suicide, does he suffer from any of the following...bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, PTSD, substance abuse. This can be dealt with compassionately if its a case of mental illness. Either a safe house, or rehab for him.

In the meantime, is there a safe place for your sister and her children to go so shes not in the line of fire. Her parents?
Her 'husband' sounds like an angry man has he always been like this to everyone. I would be very wary if he acts demeaning toward his own wife. What do his parents think of his behaviour. Or does this run in the family...?

He went on medication years ago but he hates it and keeps coming off it. He's angry at my sister because he feels he has to stay on the meds because of her. So his anger toward her is worse. His father abused his mother. His parents live so close you can see their house from her doorstep. At times they have admitted what he is doing is wrong but they say she causes his anger. They have said she is an unfit mother (she's raising the boys alone). He has told her to go find someone else to sleep with. He has been so cruel to her.

 

[kaylagrl]

Proverbs 22:24

Perhaps your sister was deceived into marrying an angry man. Has she asked for forgiveness. Sometimes women say yes when they ought to say NO WAY. But many often dont have discernment at the time.

Abigail was one such wife who had married an angry/foolish man...Nabal. Maybe back in those days they had arranged marriages. Anyway. Am not saying its your sisters fault, or a situation to run away from, but God will provide a way, as he did with Abigail. The interesting thing about this story in the OT is that Abigail had the guts and honesty to see Nabal for what he was, and didnt defend his bad behaviour.

She also had wisdom to deal with short-tempered men. If its just a case of, he's tired and hungry, then feed him. But throwing clothes on the lawn?! thats something else.

He didn't show his temper until after he married her. He was very affectionate, I mean to the point it got annoying. But she was young and she really ate it up. Seemed like a wonderful guy and he was leading the youth and on the board at that time. When she married him it was like a switch was turned on. For the first while she hid the holes he beat in the walls and doors. Finally she broke down and told us the truth. And she has been dealing with it ever since.

 

[kaylagrl]

Now that is a clear-cut case of an unrepentant person -- probably not even genuinely saved -- since pastoral council has failed. That is sad.

In which case separation is clearly the only solution. And removing the children from that horrendous situation is recommended. So did she go back and talk to the pastors and get their response? They should have removed the husband from fellowship and taken away all his responsibilities.

Also divorce has legal implications, and those should be carefully considered in terms of property etc. But separation is simply escape from an unacceptable situation.

A couple of the pastors told her to separate finally. Right now she is in counseling herself with a Christian couple that counsels. He doesn't know about it. She is still hoping God will change him. But she does have a safe place to go if she needs it. I worry for her and the boys safety. I have a feeling if she leaves his family is going to make it very difficult for her.

 

[kaylagrl]

her and the kids safety is what matters, Who knows. Her leaving may be the spark that causes her husband to repent and change..

I hope it will but I feel he fell out of love with her a long time ago.

 

[Locoponydirtman]

The person who abuses their spouse has already divorced them.
Immorality is immorality be it sexual or violence and hatred. Does God delineate between one type of immorality and another.

 

[kaylagrl]

I'm glad to see the responses and that most are saying it is Biblical to leave an abusive marriage. I didn't intend to bring my sister into this thread but I wanted people to understand what I meant about abuse and what people are living through in real life. Christians need to be very careful when talking to a person going though abuse in a marriage. No one should ever be told to stay in abuse whether it is physical/mental/verbal or emotional. We do not know what is going on behind closed doors and what people are suffering.

So now I'm going to throw a wrench into this whole thread. Are we as the church condoning abuse with some of our teachings and not knowing it? When we say a husband is the head of the home and the woman is to submit are we sending wrong messages to men? Should we be more clear as to what being the head of the home means and what submission means. Because my BIL sees nothing wrong with how he is acting, and no pastor has flat out told him he is wrong and what he is doing is abuse. They simply say he has anger issues. So are we as the church partly to blame. Interesting to hear your responses.

 

[eternally-gratefull]

A couple of the pastors told her to separate finally. Right now she is in counseling herself with a Christian couple that counsels. He doesn't know about it. She is still hoping God will change him. But she does have a safe place to go if she needs it. I worry for her and the boys safety. I have a feeling if she leaves his family is going to make it very difficult for her.

Thats where she needs God and his people to surround her with love

 

[eternally-gratefull]

I'm glad to see the responses and that most are saying it is Biblical to leave an abusive marriage. I didn't intend to bring my sister into this thread but I wanted people to understand what I meant about abuse and what people are living through in real life. Christians need to be very careful when talking to a person going though abuse in a marriage. No one should ever be told to stay in abuse whether it is physical/mental/verbal or emotional. We do not know what is going on behind closed doors and what people are suffering.

So now I'm going to throw a wrench into this whole thread. Are we as the church condoning abuse with some of our teachings and not knowing it? When we say a husband is the head of the home and the woman is to submit are we sending wrong messages to men? Should we be more clear as to what being the head of the home means and what submission means. Because my BIL sees nothing wrong with how he is acting, and no pastor has flat out told him he is wrong and what he is doing is abuse. They simply say he has anger issues. So are we as the church partly to blame. Interesting to hear your responses.

Sadly, Far to many churches are steeped in legalistic thoughts when dealing with these things.. I have witnessed it and it is why I am so apposed and vocal against it.

instead of loving people. we want to alienate them because of the so called "rules"