advice needed.

[believingseeker]

I am newly wed and wondering should there be a barter system in the marriage?

 

[Galahad]

I am newly wed and wondering should there be a barter system in the marriage?

Yes. You give. She takes.
No. You take. She gives.
Yes. She gives. You take.
Maybe. You both give and take.
Yes. You both give and take.
No. You both give and take.

Hope that helps.

Now stop the silly questions. Get to Ephesians 5, "Husbands love your wives even as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it."

 

[Ugly]

Marriage is about two people sacrificing for each other, not bartering for their own wants.

 

[crossnote]

You didn't read the fine print b4 u said.. "I DO!!" ​?

 

[atwhatcost]

I am newly wed and wondering should there be a barter system in the marriage?

Absolutely. Sit down and find out what the other wants and do that for them.

If you're keep track of what she's doing and what you're doing, realize you are a biased score keeper. For instance, say you do the vaccuum one night, but she only takes out the trash. You score yourself a 10 and give her a 1. That gives you permission to kick up your feet after that, until she earns the other 9, so why exactly isn't SHE doing the dishes, cleaning at least the bathroom sink, putting her laundry in the hamper, and when is SHE going to do that laundry anyway? Maybe by that time she earns a 9, so you get busy and sort through the mail. Ah, she's behind again, so time to kick up feet.

This is something we all do, if we keep score. Some are able to not keep score. I'm not. But I'm also lousy at time management. (I should be able to deadhead the flowers in the garden and weed in an hour, but I took an hour just to deadhead the Black-eyed Susan. Just one. We have two. lol) So, I figure I'm lousy at keeping score. That way I end up doing what it feels like is 90% figuring it's probably only 50%, and everything than works out even.

But what we've done is invent one rule for housekeeping that has worked for us for 34 years. "If it bothers you, do it." That way we can't ever blame the other for not doing it. (This works particularly well because what nothers me, doesn't bother him, and vice versa. lol)

But we have also negotiated everything. He hates bills and taxes. Worrying about bills or the IRS makes him squirrely, but I am woman, so like to spend money and make sure we have it to spend, so I deal with all that. (Granted, I hate spending it on mortgages and utilities, but it's okay, because I hate living in our car without plumbing, electricity, or a bed more, so I'll spend it well. lol) Meanwhile, I hate cooking. He loves making fancy or tasty dinners, so he's got dinner. (He couldn't sleep last night so he's making pulled-turkey in the crock pot. I'm drooling, while he's sleeping. lol) But, he's unable to work that long in the kitchen, and we both like desserts, so I make desserts. Neither one of us mind doing the dishes, (a pot is soaking, lol), so whoever gets to it first wins. We both like grocery shopping, so we do that together. I do laundry, because he's perfectly fine walking around in his birthday suit, and I don't want to have to scratch every other woman's eyes out for looking at MY hubby that way.

And the rest falls under our, "If it bothers you..."

For the bigger issues, we talk it out, until we agree. This is how we've chosen every church we've ever joined, although it really has been him who finds the church, me checking it out with him, and then telling him if I have a good or bad vibe. (Only once did I get a bad vibe.) And, only once was I not 100% convinced this was a good idea -- he wanted to move to the city. I trusted him, first because he's trustworthy, and second because he grew up in this city so thought I could do it, so I gave him the submit thing, knowing he loved me, and moved we did.

Great decision! Worked out perfectly for what happened to us next!

But we also talk out other stuff. I started a business because he gave me the good grace to trust me and support me. He took night classes for 13 months because I trusted him and supported him. We've became group home parents once after talking it out together. We support and negotiate everything because we trust each other. And when there is something we can't come up with together, I let him be the husband and take his role to make the decision.

All because of the Great Negotiator over us -- God. He who negotiated our lives through the blood of his son.

 

[Galahad]

Marriage is about two people sacrificing for each other, not bartering for their own wants.

Ugly, you just have so many wonderful responses. Your quote is bible teaching. That's why I like it. Found in love in 1 Corinthians 13.

 

[Dino246]

First, congratulations! May the Lord bless you both abundantly with His love, grace, and wisdom!

There are books written on this topic... His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley, Jr. is a fairly good one. Another of his, He Wins, She Wins is helpful too (and, interestingly, discusses why sacrifice is not a good strategy, because it leads to expectation or resentment).

Bartering is fine in limited cases, though Lynn has summarized why it doesn't always work. Perhaps a more comprehensive approach is open focused communication about needs, wants, dreams, etc. An hour spent discussing preferences and dislikes regarding housework (over a drink, in a relaxed environment) will work wonders and be a good foundation for discussing more important things. Set your marriage as your highest priority next to the Lord, and keep it there. Pray continually for the Lord to make you the husband He wants you to be. And serve your new bride as though she were the King's daughter.... which she is.