Hey Everyone,
I apologize for the long post, but this is a topic that's been heavy on my mind.
I've mentioned several times that nearly every friend I have is in a caretaking situation, most often for parents. I recently had the opportunity to act as an "assistant" to a friend with much more intensive duties and it was quite the learning experience.
To research the topic for this thread, I spent about an hour listening to videos with titles such as, "Your Child Is NOT Your Retirement Plan!" It was interesting to hear the opinions from both sides, pro and con.
One side talked about the fact that:
* Some parents felt their kids simply owed them, plain and simple. It was said that in black and Latino culture, one child is often picked as the hope of the family, given all the education and resources to be successful, but is then expected to come back and "save" the rest of the family by providing for everyone.
* Some parents pick a certain child as their designated caretaker, doing everything they can to make sure that child never has a significant other or if they do, insist that their child's loyalty be to them first over any spouse.
* Some parents made poor financial decisions, won't change, and now constantly rely on their kids for money, call them for honey-do lists, etc. -- ruining their adult children's marriages in the process.
On the other side of the coin:
* Other people stated that children are to be loved unconditionally, and that it's unfair to place this kind of burden on them.
* Some said that parents are responsible for taking care of themselves, having their own financial and retirement plans in place, and should let their children be free to live their own lives.
We singles are often asked, "Who will take care of you when you're old?" and it's a good question. My biggest fear is being a burden on others. My retirement plan (after taking care of my own parents until God calls them,) is moving near friends (many are also single,) and we can hopefully help each other. I have about 3 different places I could go. My whole life, I've always tried to save as much money as possible "just in case."
Over the years, I've run into many married people who seem to think they have a foolproof retirement plan (their kids,) and that we singles should have had at least one child so that we could be "prepared" like them. (I'm certainly not saying all married people think like this, but some of them I've known sure do.)
However, from what I've observed, having kids isn't a very foolproof way of "future-proofing" ones' life.
I've personally seen many of these "Kids to Make Sure I'm Taken Care Of" plans fall through because:
* There was a falling out, and now the parent and their child(ren) are estranged, with little hope of ever reconciling.
* The adult children moved away and due to work, etc., and can't move back.
* The adult children married a spouse from another country, and they moved to take take care of the spouse's family.
* The person's spouse AND child(ren) died.
* The person's adult child is choosing an alternative lifestyle (such as being homosexual,) is unrepentant, and shuns the parents for not being "accepting."
* The adult child wants their own life and flat-out refuses to help.
I had a friend who worked in nursing homes for 10 years, and he said the saddest time was at Christmas and the holidays -- because you saw how many people had been dumped there by families who never wanted to think about them again.
In the videos I listened to, health care workers said they are now seeing many cases in which it's only the spouses and siblings of the elderly who are looking after them, not the person's own adult children.
My parents have always adhered to the passage: "If anyone does not take care of his own relatives, especially his immediate family, he has denied the Christian faith and is worse than an unbeliever." -- 1 Timothy 5:8
However, they have NEVER imposed this on US -- rather, they saw it as their God-given mandate to make any and every sacrifice to make sure they could be there for their children, always balancing, "We're here if you need us," with personal responsibility (making us budget/start paying for things while we were still at home, etc.) They have NEVER, ever, not even once, implied that we owe them anything. In fact, my parents dread the thought of needing us for anything, because they don't want to be any trouble.
They have always encouraged us to live full, independent lives. If I were to marry, my parents would welcome my husband as a treasured son.
But as time goes on, of course the tables are turning. It's even more important to me because I am adopted. I'm well aware that some circles see adoption as second best, or a consolation prize for not having a "real" child. But my parents have NEVER treated me as anything other than their very real child.
Several years ago when we were living far apart, my Mom had an emergency. My Dad's phone message, with him trying to hold it together but then breaking down and crying at the end, BROKE my heart, and I told God, "I can't stand this!!!" God opened the doors, and I have never lived more than 20 minutes away from them ever since. If a time comes when they might need constant help, I will move into the same apartment complex as them. (Until then, we all admittedly like our own space, lol!)
I realize how blessed I am in that I have loving Christian parents. I can't imagine what it's like for the people who have parents/family members who are abusive, alcoholic/addicts, have treated them terribly, etc., but yet they still choose to care for them. I have nothing but utmost admiration for people like this.
God has very strongly placed older people on my heart. I want to cry when I go the local Walmart, because there are so many people working their in their 70's and 80's, possibly 90's. I know for some of them, they have no other choice. God has me in a Lutheran church where I am surrounded by canes, walkers, and wheelchairs -- and I know this is exactly where He wants me. My heart is broken every Sunday, but I am trying my best to follow God's lead.
I am utterly heartbroken for anyone, of any age, who is an orphan with no one to care for them.
I know this is a very sensitive topic, but if anyone would like to share, I hope to hear from all of you.
* Should Christian families see their children as their "retirement plan?" Should Christian adult children just be expected to care and provide for their parents, no matter what?
* Should Christian adults plan for their own care, and not rely on their children? (Should any help they receive from their children just be seen as an added, but not obligated, bonus?)
* What have you seen or experienced regarding adult children caring for their parents? What have you seen or gone through that's been good, bad, or just plain ugly?
* What happens "if things go wrong" -- when someone sees their children as a "back-up plan"-- what happens if it falls through?
* Has anyone found any solutions for "adult orphans"? (Care groups, organizations, etc. -- or is the only answer going to a nursing home?)
* What happens to adults who can't pay for extra care or nursing homes?
Again, I know this is a very heart-wrenching topic.
But I'm very interested in hearing what people in the Christian community have to say.
I apologize for the long post, but this is a topic that's been heavy on my mind.
I've mentioned several times that nearly every friend I have is in a caretaking situation, most often for parents. I recently had the opportunity to act as an "assistant" to a friend with much more intensive duties and it was quite the learning experience.
To research the topic for this thread, I spent about an hour listening to videos with titles such as, "Your Child Is NOT Your Retirement Plan!" It was interesting to hear the opinions from both sides, pro and con.
One side talked about the fact that:
* Some parents felt their kids simply owed them, plain and simple. It was said that in black and Latino culture, one child is often picked as the hope of the family, given all the education and resources to be successful, but is then expected to come back and "save" the rest of the family by providing for everyone.
* Some parents pick a certain child as their designated caretaker, doing everything they can to make sure that child never has a significant other or if they do, insist that their child's loyalty be to them first over any spouse.
* Some parents made poor financial decisions, won't change, and now constantly rely on their kids for money, call them for honey-do lists, etc. -- ruining their adult children's marriages in the process.
On the other side of the coin:
* Other people stated that children are to be loved unconditionally, and that it's unfair to place this kind of burden on them.
* Some said that parents are responsible for taking care of themselves, having their own financial and retirement plans in place, and should let their children be free to live their own lives.
We singles are often asked, "Who will take care of you when you're old?" and it's a good question. My biggest fear is being a burden on others. My retirement plan (after taking care of my own parents until God calls them,) is moving near friends (many are also single,) and we can hopefully help each other. I have about 3 different places I could go. My whole life, I've always tried to save as much money as possible "just in case."
Over the years, I've run into many married people who seem to think they have a foolproof retirement plan (their kids,) and that we singles should have had at least one child so that we could be "prepared" like them. (I'm certainly not saying all married people think like this, but some of them I've known sure do.)
However, from what I've observed, having kids isn't a very foolproof way of "future-proofing" ones' life.
I've personally seen many of these "Kids to Make Sure I'm Taken Care Of" plans fall through because:
* There was a falling out, and now the parent and their child(ren) are estranged, with little hope of ever reconciling.
* The adult children moved away and due to work, etc., and can't move back.
* The adult children married a spouse from another country, and they moved to take take care of the spouse's family.
* The person's spouse AND child(ren) died.
* The person's adult child is choosing an alternative lifestyle (such as being homosexual,) is unrepentant, and shuns the parents for not being "accepting."
* The adult child wants their own life and flat-out refuses to help.
I had a friend who worked in nursing homes for 10 years, and he said the saddest time was at Christmas and the holidays -- because you saw how many people had been dumped there by families who never wanted to think about them again.
In the videos I listened to, health care workers said they are now seeing many cases in which it's only the spouses and siblings of the elderly who are looking after them, not the person's own adult children.
My parents have always adhered to the passage: "If anyone does not take care of his own relatives, especially his immediate family, he has denied the Christian faith and is worse than an unbeliever." -- 1 Timothy 5:8
However, they have NEVER imposed this on US -- rather, they saw it as their God-given mandate to make any and every sacrifice to make sure they could be there for their children, always balancing, "We're here if you need us," with personal responsibility (making us budget/start paying for things while we were still at home, etc.) They have NEVER, ever, not even once, implied that we owe them anything. In fact, my parents dread the thought of needing us for anything, because they don't want to be any trouble.
They have always encouraged us to live full, independent lives. If I were to marry, my parents would welcome my husband as a treasured son.
But as time goes on, of course the tables are turning. It's even more important to me because I am adopted. I'm well aware that some circles see adoption as second best, or a consolation prize for not having a "real" child. But my parents have NEVER treated me as anything other than their very real child.
Several years ago when we were living far apart, my Mom had an emergency. My Dad's phone message, with him trying to hold it together but then breaking down and crying at the end, BROKE my heart, and I told God, "I can't stand this!!!" God opened the doors, and I have never lived more than 20 minutes away from them ever since. If a time comes when they might need constant help, I will move into the same apartment complex as them. (Until then, we all admittedly like our own space, lol!)
I realize how blessed I am in that I have loving Christian parents. I can't imagine what it's like for the people who have parents/family members who are abusive, alcoholic/addicts, have treated them terribly, etc., but yet they still choose to care for them. I have nothing but utmost admiration for people like this.
God has very strongly placed older people on my heart. I want to cry when I go the local Walmart, because there are so many people working their in their 70's and 80's, possibly 90's. I know for some of them, they have no other choice. God has me in a Lutheran church where I am surrounded by canes, walkers, and wheelchairs -- and I know this is exactly where He wants me. My heart is broken every Sunday, but I am trying my best to follow God's lead.
I am utterly heartbroken for anyone, of any age, who is an orphan with no one to care for them.
I know this is a very sensitive topic, but if anyone would like to share, I hope to hear from all of you.
* Should Christian families see their children as their "retirement plan?" Should Christian adult children just be expected to care and provide for their parents, no matter what?
* Should Christian adults plan for their own care, and not rely on their children? (Should any help they receive from their children just be seen as an added, but not obligated, bonus?)
* What have you seen or experienced regarding adult children caring for their parents? What have you seen or gone through that's been good, bad, or just plain ugly?
* What happens "if things go wrong" -- when someone sees their children as a "back-up plan"-- what happens if it falls through?
* Has anyone found any solutions for "adult orphans"? (Care groups, organizations, etc. -- or is the only answer going to a nursing home?)
* What happens to adults who can't pay for extra care or nursing homes?
Again, I know this is a very heart-wrenching topic.
But I'm very interested in hearing what people in the Christian community have to say.
And I understand about daughters usually being seen as the caretakers. The only families I know where the sons are doing this is when the parents only had sons, or the sons are the only ones who live close enough. 
