D
DanSF
Guest
I love her, even if she’s fatter now. I find her beautiful and I even adore her now more than before. She doesn’t believe me, at all, if I tell her. She again tells me that I am doing homework, making an effort, struggling to pretend that I like her, and cries, begs me not to do it, to leave her alone. Sometimes she looks at me with those extremely sad eyes and says this to me, thank you for making such an effort. You are a good man. It breaks my soul. She doesn’t believe I am doing this for real. I want to buy her things but she doesn’t want anything for herself, she just asks for things for her job and because she is financially dependent and cannot do otherwise. She only makes up, dresses properly (but never sexily anymore) for work. She only feels good when working. I adore to watch her work, but as soon as it’s over and she lays her eyes on me, there it is, this cloud of pitch-black sadness again. I have taken pictures of her, thousands of pictures now, which I adore to watch at work. She wants me to delete them because now she has become ugly. She never takes pictures of me anymore, she always wanted before, now I have to ask her and yet she believes again that I am not enjoying it, it’s me just doing homework. I want to go for walks with her, go to restaurants, go dancing, embrace her. Again, she really and utterly believes I am doing homework. She truly and honestly believes I don’t love her and everything I’m doing for her is because I have compassion for her or something of the sorts. It’s as if she is behind a very dark and hard wall which I cannot break.
We cannot do intimacy anymore. She has fallen ill. In these two last years, after my neglect, she has grown ovarian cysts and myomas. She has very painful periods. I am extremely worried about her. She tells me she doesn’t feel anything anymore and intimacy feels disgusting and wrong, and it hurts. She most definitely was not like that before, she wanted to be with me, she loved me. Now I cannot kiss her, she feels weird and sort of nauseated. She was never tired of kissing me before. She always praised me, made me feel like a golden treasure. Now she doesn’t look at me when I’m in front of her, and she feels like crying if I look at her, feels humiliated if I tell her something cute to her. Intimacy is just gone for good. She has never, ever since tried to approach to me to initiate anything, never again in these two last nightmarish years after she just “left” I don’t know where. I’m desperately wanting to be with her now, but it’s as if everything is so damn broken. I can’t make her stop crying every day, it’s like a nightmare. I also feel as if I have killed my perfect chance of happiness and my perfectly healthy woman who had a very bad life but truly was on the verge of a much deserved success, she just needed somebody who cared just the slightest little bit about her, and she happened to come across me, not a friend, not a husband but an enemy, a man who was adamant in not doing the smallest thing for her. She never asked for fancy clothes, material things, just a few simple tokens of affection, which I didn’t want to do for her. I pushed her down, completely crushed her. Now I feel murderous.
What can I do? I have changed. Sometimes, “jokingly”, she says that in these two years I have become an ideal man. She tells me that it is such a pity, that I don’t love her, that she can only look at me from afar, as if I was something expensive that she will never afford. She is absolutely convinced I don’t really love her and fears that I’m going to cheat on her. I am not going to do this. I am a good man. I was just mistaken, I didn’t have an education, I came from the worst possible background and family models, but I have changed. I do now everything she needed me to do before, but she believes that I am just doing homework because it is for her that I am doing all this. She thinks that I am doing this because I am a good man at heart, learning at last to carry out my manly duties, not because I really love her and want her to be better. She is wrong. I realise I was a crapy boy, the worst of the losers in town, and I have become a man, for real. I have not fled to my parents’ house and left her, I am at her side, taking all this and putting up with this, taking care of her, crying with her. She even told me once that she has been a nice training for me, if one day I meet another woman that I truly love. I’m crying while I write this and I am afraid for her. She tells me very often, too often, that God has proved to her and so often that He doesn’t love her the slightest bit in spite of her struggle to be a good girl and a worthy woman. I don’t want to leave her for another woman. I can’t stand the guilt and shame. I’m making a lot of effort, but she is not acknowledging it. Sometimes I fear she cannot even see. Her eyes have changed. They look dim, lifeless… I cannot reach her. She is so far… where is my lovely wife and why I have had to destroy her, why can’t I bring her back from where she is now? And the saddest part is that I don’t even remember the moment when she left, engulfed as I was in my egotistic crap. Day after day, when she cries and cries in front of me, I tell to myself that one day she will finally realise I have changed, for real, because I love her. One day she will understand I really do love her, I will take care of her, I am doing it now, I will do everything that she needs and finally do my duties. But she is not reacting, she’s only getting worse. She only feels good while working. She is so good in her work, so good in everything she does, actually. Why can’t she realise? We pray a lot but things are just getting worse every day. What can I do? Have I lost her forever? I pray, no answer. Won’t God see my effort and save my wife, regardless of what happens to me afterwards? What if she does something bad to herself? She’s already drinking. I’m terrified. I leave to work every day terrified to go back home and I can only breathe again when I see her and she’s fine. We are seeing a new therapist soon, it’s been a ridiculous struggle to find a good therapist, but I’m afraid this is not enough to save her. I’m scared of what she says that God doesn’t love her, when she was so faithful before. I’m really, really scared and desperate. What can I do?
Please, help me. Tell me what I could do, what I am doing wrong, how we can heal. Than you very much for your attention.
We cannot do intimacy anymore. She has fallen ill. In these two last years, after my neglect, she has grown ovarian cysts and myomas. She has very painful periods. I am extremely worried about her. She tells me she doesn’t feel anything anymore and intimacy feels disgusting and wrong, and it hurts. She most definitely was not like that before, she wanted to be with me, she loved me. Now I cannot kiss her, she feels weird and sort of nauseated. She was never tired of kissing me before. She always praised me, made me feel like a golden treasure. Now she doesn’t look at me when I’m in front of her, and she feels like crying if I look at her, feels humiliated if I tell her something cute to her. Intimacy is just gone for good. She has never, ever since tried to approach to me to initiate anything, never again in these two last nightmarish years after she just “left” I don’t know where. I’m desperately wanting to be with her now, but it’s as if everything is so damn broken. I can’t make her stop crying every day, it’s like a nightmare. I also feel as if I have killed my perfect chance of happiness and my perfectly healthy woman who had a very bad life but truly was on the verge of a much deserved success, she just needed somebody who cared just the slightest little bit about her, and she happened to come across me, not a friend, not a husband but an enemy, a man who was adamant in not doing the smallest thing for her. She never asked for fancy clothes, material things, just a few simple tokens of affection, which I didn’t want to do for her. I pushed her down, completely crushed her. Now I feel murderous.
What can I do? I have changed. Sometimes, “jokingly”, she says that in these two years I have become an ideal man. She tells me that it is such a pity, that I don’t love her, that she can only look at me from afar, as if I was something expensive that she will never afford. She is absolutely convinced I don’t really love her and fears that I’m going to cheat on her. I am not going to do this. I am a good man. I was just mistaken, I didn’t have an education, I came from the worst possible background and family models, but I have changed. I do now everything she needed me to do before, but she believes that I am just doing homework because it is for her that I am doing all this. She thinks that I am doing this because I am a good man at heart, learning at last to carry out my manly duties, not because I really love her and want her to be better. She is wrong. I realise I was a crapy boy, the worst of the losers in town, and I have become a man, for real. I have not fled to my parents’ house and left her, I am at her side, taking all this and putting up with this, taking care of her, crying with her. She even told me once that she has been a nice training for me, if one day I meet another woman that I truly love. I’m crying while I write this and I am afraid for her. She tells me very often, too often, that God has proved to her and so often that He doesn’t love her the slightest bit in spite of her struggle to be a good girl and a worthy woman. I don’t want to leave her for another woman. I can’t stand the guilt and shame. I’m making a lot of effort, but she is not acknowledging it. Sometimes I fear she cannot even see. Her eyes have changed. They look dim, lifeless… I cannot reach her. She is so far… where is my lovely wife and why I have had to destroy her, why can’t I bring her back from where she is now? And the saddest part is that I don’t even remember the moment when she left, engulfed as I was in my egotistic crap. Day after day, when she cries and cries in front of me, I tell to myself that one day she will finally realise I have changed, for real, because I love her. One day she will understand I really do love her, I will take care of her, I am doing it now, I will do everything that she needs and finally do my duties. But she is not reacting, she’s only getting worse. She only feels good while working. She is so good in her work, so good in everything she does, actually. Why can’t she realise? We pray a lot but things are just getting worse every day. What can I do? Have I lost her forever? I pray, no answer. Won’t God see my effort and save my wife, regardless of what happens to me afterwards? What if she does something bad to herself? She’s already drinking. I’m terrified. I leave to work every day terrified to go back home and I can only breathe again when I see her and she’s fine. We are seeing a new therapist soon, it’s been a ridiculous struggle to find a good therapist, but I’m afraid this is not enough to save her. I’m scared of what she says that God doesn’t love her, when she was so faithful before. I’m really, really scared and desperate. What can I do?
Please, help me. Tell me what I could do, what I am doing wrong, how we can heal. Than you very much for your attention.
