Being single: Too forgiving of bad behavior?

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iogear

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Ever notice within singles crowds, there are sometimes two groups of people -- the group you're in, and those in the "other" group, who, in your mind, have character flaws so severe to be undesirable?

What happens when you get caught up with a person in the "other" group, and things fall apart on you? As a Christian person, do you find yourself more or less forgiving of that person's behavior? A bigger question is WHY?

Some brief personal testimony. I'm 33 and recently got out of a relationship that ended badly with a degree of nastiness and deception I didn't think she was capable of. She was juggling another guy behind my back, and I ended up telling him since we were both victims. Meanwhile, she never apologized for anything. I admit, it was quite painful.

There's a part of me very much forgiving about what happened. She has unresolved mental health issues -- suicidal and self-harm thoughts -- stemming from an abusive childhood and AWOL father. Deep down, I think she has tremendous difficulty being up front and honest with men because of it. I can't let this justify her dishonesty and lack of remorse, but part of me truly feels sorry for her. Her support network (family, friends) is very small. Silly as this sounds, for these reasons I'd be open to remaining her friend.

Why I would entertain such an idea confuses me, especially after praying about it. This would not normally be a typical reaction on my part. Instead I seem to be at peace with what has happened. Is this evidence of Christ working in my life to forgive others, and not be angry?

On the other hand, could this be an indication that my virtues are being crushed under the weight of singleness, to the point I'm being too tolerant of others who mistreat me?
 
I'm not single, but I'm the same way. with that, I'm inclined to think it's not a sign of desperation for you.

I do have one condition for when I will or won't stick around for someone though. (And this doesn't mean I don't go on holy tears and disavow people for a while, before getting around to forgiving. I do that too.) If the person is dangerous to me, I won't hang around.

And, of course, most people automatically assume dangerous is physically dangerous. I mean that too, but there is another danger for me. I lose myself if I hang around people too much. I don't know why, but I chamelion others. Reflect them. So, if someone is permanently miserable and I hang around that person, I am too. If all they see is the bad in everyone else, me too. I can't be that either. (Not to be confused with someone is depressed for a year or two and it changes them for a while.)

So, if she takes away good things from you just being around her all the time, watch out for that danger too.

But forgiving people, and often? Part of our job description. That's Christ working in us. We're supposed to be that, as well as loving.
 
iogear said:
Ever notice within singles crowds, there are sometimes two groups of people -- the group you're in, and those in the "other" group, who, in your mind, have character flaws so severe to be undesirable?

What happens when you get caught up with a person in the "other" group, and things fall apart on you? As a Christian person, do you find yourself more or less forgiving of that person's behavior? A bigger question is WHY?

Some brief personal testimony. I'm 33 and recently got out of a relationship that ended badly with a degree of nastiness and deception I didn't think she was capable of. She was juggling another guy behind my back, and I ended up telling him since we were both victims. Meanwhile, she never apologized for anything. I admit, it was quite painful.

There's a part of me very much forgiving about what happened. She has unresolved mental health issues -- suicidal and self-harm thoughts -- stemming from an abusive childhood and AWOL father. Deep down, I think she has tremendous difficulty being up front and honest with men because of it. I can't let this justify her dishonesty and lack of remorse, but part of me truly feels sorry for her. Her support network (family, friends) is very small. Silly as this sounds, for these reasons I'd be open to remaining her friend.

Why I would entertain such an idea confuses me, especially after praying about it. This would not normally be a typical reaction on my part. Instead I seem to be at peace with what has happened. Is this evidence of Christ working in my life to forgive others, and not be angry?

On the other hand, could this be an indication that my virtues are being crushed under the weight of singleness, to the point I'm being too tolerant of others who mistreat me?
Click to expand...

It is good that you are forgiving and feeling sorry for her upbringing.. Pray for her..

But it is not wise to remain entangled with such a woman..
Sadly some woman use men as a utility simply for material gain, then they go and seek out other men for fun and games.. Don't be deceived, a decent Christian man deserves a decent Christian woman..
 
iogear said:
Ever notice within singles crowds, there are sometimes two groups of people -- the group you're in, and those in the "other" group, who, in your mind, have character flaws so severe to be undesirable?

What happens when you get caught up with a person in the "other" group, and things fall apart on you? As a Christian person, do you find yourself more or less forgiving of that person's behavior? A bigger question is WHY?

Some brief personal testimony. I'm 33 and recently got out of a relationship that ended badly with a degree of nastiness and deception I didn't think she was capable of. She was juggling another guy behind my back, and I ended up telling him since we were both victims. Meanwhile, she never apologized for anything. I admit, it was quite painful.

There's a part of me very much forgiving about what happened. She has unresolved mental health issues -- suicidal and self-harm thoughts -- stemming from an abusive childhood and AWOL father. Deep down, I think she has tremendous difficulty being up front and honest with men because of it. I can't let this justify her dishonesty and lack of remorse, but part of me truly feels sorry for her. Her support network (family, friends) is very small. Silly as this sounds, for these reasons I'd be open to remaining her friend.

Why I would entertain such an idea confuses me, especially after praying about it. This would not normally be a typical reaction on my part. Instead I seem to be at peace with what has happened. Is this evidence of Christ working in my life to forgive others, and not be angry?

On the other hand, could this be an indication that my virtues are being crushed under the weight of singleness, to the point I'm being too tolerant of others who mistreat me?
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Here's your answer: would you date someone like her again?
 
maxwel said:
Here's your answer: would you date someone like her again?
Click to expand...

Not knowingly.

Her personality changed 180 degrees rather suddenly. I believed her to be truthful when she said she was fighting severe depression, but that was mostly a lie.
 
iogear said:
... I can't let this justify her dishonesty and lack of remorse, but part of me truly feels sorry for her. Her support network (family, friends) is very small. Silly as this sounds, for these reasons I'd be open to remaining her friend.

Why I would entertain such an idea confuses me, especially after praying about it. This would not normally be a typical reaction on my part. Instead I seem to be at peace with what has happened. Is this evidence of Christ working in my life to forgive others, and not be angry?

On the other hand, could this be an indication that my virtues are being crushed under the weight of singleness, to the point I'm being too tolerant of others who mistreat me?
Click to expand...

Hello and welcome! :)

It sounds like there is some genuine Christ-likeness happening in your life. Of course, we don't know you personally, so we have no idea what you were like previously.

Being open to remaining in contact with her is good... however... you note that she has a small support network. This to me is a red flag. It signals that, because she is needy, you may feel compelled to be the one to help her, which is not a good idea. Better to pray for her and encourage her to get professional help. Keep your distance, lest your emotions get tied up. It's easy to feel good about helping someone and have those feelings get confused with attraction.

As to being single, many here share that situation. Some are content with it, some aren't. Stick around and get to know us. We're pretty encouraging most of the time.
 
iogear said:
Ever notice within singles crowds, there are sometimes two groups of people -- the group you're in, and those in the "other" group, who, in your mind, have character flaws so severe to be undesirable?

What happens when you get caught up with a person in the "other" group, and things fall apart on you? As a Christian person, do you find yourself more or less forgiving of that person's behavior? A bigger question is WHY?

Some brief personal testimony. I'm 33 and recently got out of a relationship that ended badly with a degree of nastiness and deception I didn't think she was capable of. She was juggling another guy behind my back, and I ended up telling him since we were both victims. Meanwhile, she never apologized for anything. I admit, it was quite painful.

There's a part of me very much forgiving about what happened. She has unresolved mental health issues -- suicidal and self-harm thoughts -- stemming from an abusive childhood and AWOL father. Deep down, I think she has tremendous difficulty being up front and honest with men because of it. I can't let this justify her dishonesty and lack of remorse, but part of me truly feels sorry for her. Her support network (family, friends) is very small. Silly as this sounds, for these reasons I'd be open to remaining her friend.

Why I would entertain such an idea confuses me, especially after praying about it. This would not normally be a typical reaction on my part. Instead I seem to be at peace with what has happened. Is this evidence of Christ working in my life to forgive others, and not be angry?

On the other hand, could this be an indication that my virtues are being crushed under the weight of singleness, to the point I'm being too tolerant of others who mistreat me?
Click to expand...

I had an ex. She had some mental issues as well as problems with her upbringing. Though her issues could cause her to act out, lash out, etc... i did my best to not only tolerate them, but to learn how to help with them. Things weren't too bad at first, but near the end she became quite selfish and nasty. She broke things off, i tried to get he back, and failed. Along the way it was rocky and in the long run she treated me so horribly that i walked away for good.
I was pretty damaged from that situation. But i still feel sympathy for her. I saw how much she struggled, her weakest moments. I still worry about her, even though she did a lot of damage to me.
Someone with mental illness and emotional issues have to be held to a slightly different standard. Not that you become a doormat, but often times these people are responding out of things that are deeply imbedded into them. They may not be aware of what they are doing at the time, or maybe in general.
So my guess is some part of you know she's severely damaged, yet still cares about her as a person, even if she hurt you. And that's why you want to keep in touch with her. I know from experience. And there's nothing wrong with that, long as you keep a right mindset and use caution.
People today so often write others off so easily, it's good to see someone stick with another that has a real need.
 
It sounds like Christ IS working in your life if your willing to forgive and arnt blinded by emotion. Sometimes the best way to help someone is to pray for them and let them make their own mistakes. Maybe they'll find Jesus because of it. You seem like a cool dude so I'm sure you won't be single for long. Pray the Lord gives you some who loves the Lord too.
 
Hi Being Single. I well-applaud you for looking at this question. You seem to have a really good heart. But don't let it get deceived and chewed up. Let your mind inform your heart.

I think it's easy to forget how 'human' we are and simply get caught up in our humanity. I don't exactly know what you mean by 'getting caught up' with a person, but in this case, whatever the attraction, I think you gave into her 'seductions signals' and then was blindsided by her self-centered-ness and saw how she manipulates.

I think your impulse to 'save her' is misguided. I know its hard not to feel compassion for her, but this betrayal is serious, and the most compassionate thing is for her to get professional help, unless you want to dedicate your life to a miserable endeavor that you are not likely to see end successfully. Your turning from her, at least sends a clear message that she can't act like that with honest people and get what she needs.

I recommend a book called 'How People Grow,' by Dr. John Townsend and Dr. Henry McCloud, two well know Christian psychologists and get some real exploration as to what is involved in forming healthy relationships. Bless you for your good intentions.
 
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