Between giving and not giving a darn - Christian boundaries

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AbigailZeke

AbigailZeke

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Mar 11, 2016
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Hello friends. I have a question. This is an area of life that's still new to me. Growing up as a pushover and having been bullied until college, I've recently started discovering a whole new better way of living (it started in Aug 2015). I have read a few books on managing myself and how to understand other people (boundaries, safe people, how to make friends - which I'm currently reading). From time to time, I get circumstances in life where things get blurry again. I'll make this a general thread as it may apply to anything. My question basically is:

How do you deal with your feelings when you're in between feeling bad for yourself and feeling bad for another person?
When, logically, you see there is no reason to be affected, but you feel affected still (by people and their actions), how do you manage?
 
AbigailZeke said:
How do you deal with your feelings when you're in between feeling bad for yourself and feeling bad for another person? When, logically, you see there is no reason to be affected, but you feel affected still (by people and their actions), how do you manage?
Click to expand...

I'd like to be able to help, but I'm afraid I need more context. Without getting personal or sharing what you don't wish too, is it possible for you to be a bit more specific? Thanks
 
AbigailZeke said:
Hello friends. I have a question. This is an area of life that's still new to me. Growing up as a pushover and having been bullied until college, I've recently started discovering a whole new better way of living (it started in Aug 2015). I have read a few books on managing myself and how to understand other people (boundaries, safe people, how to make friends - which I'm currently reading). From time to time, I get circumstances in life where things get blurry again. I'll make this a general thread as it may apply to anything. My question basically is:

How do you deal with your feelings when you're in between feeling bad for yourself and feeling bad for another person?
When, logically, you see there is no reason to be affected, but you feel affected still (by people and their actions), how do you manage?
Click to expand...

I think part of the answer is simply recognizing that feelings don't represent truth. So what you feel may be in direct opposition to what you know to be truth.

The truth is, that we are ALL broken. Seeing others in this way can CHANGE our feelings toward people from a negative to love and compassion.

Not sure if this is scratching where you are itching, but praying you find your answer dear sister.
 
It's about right perpective or guarding your heart. I like this advice given by Ellie from another thread. I hope this helps.

This is what i do when i catch myself bemoaning the human condition...

the thought comes... 'that woman was so selfish'... like me

or, why did he speak so harshly? ... like me

or, goodness, how impatient they are! ... like me

or, that person who committed that sin was foolish ... like me


in NO way do i mean to minimize what you've been through. no one, even someone who's been through the very same thing feels it the same way because we aren't the same people.

i just find it humbling to remember that what i may think in unguarded times of others,
others may be thinking of me.
wondering at those times, how have i negatively affected someone in ways i didn't realize and cannot even recall?

truly, people are terrible ... like me

and God is yet good, and through it all He is working ALL things together for your good. ♥
 
AbigailZeke said:
Hello friends. I have a question. This is an area of life that's still new to me. Growing up as a pushover and having been bullied until college, I've recently started discovering a whole new better way of living (it started in Aug 2015). I have read a few books on managing myself and how to understand other people (boundaries, safe people, how to make friends - which I'm currently reading). From time to time, I get circumstances in life where things get blurry again. I'll make this a general thread as it may apply to anything. My question basically is:

How do you deal with your feelings when you're in between feeling bad for yourself and feeling bad for another person?
When, logically, you see there is no reason to be affected, but you feel affected still (by people and their actions), how do you manage?
Click to expand...

you need a Auntie Ant
 
How do you deal with your feelings when you're in between feeling bad for yourself and feeling bad for another person?
When, logically, you see there is no reason to be affected, but you feel affected still (by people and their actions), how do you manage?
Click to expand...

1. I started to block feeling bad for myself as it doesnt take me anywhere. And when I feel bad for another person, I usually go to them or they come to me and give them a hug and talk to them about it and pray.

2. Depends on the situation.. I got very upset after a person with diabetics got hurt so I took action by going to the person that is in charge in college, and prayed
When someone calls me names I keep Gods words in mind. When someone says im ugly, I remember where its written that he formed me in the womb and at the beginning of creation he said '' and he saw that it was very good''
On some days I go for a walk and just take some time to think and deal with all thats going on. Often I find myself reading psalms and proverbs lol
 
AbigailZeke said:
Hello friends. I have a question. This is an area of life that's still new to me. Growing up as a pushover and having been bullied until college, I've recently started discovering a whole new better way of living (it started in Aug 2015). I have read a few books on managing myself and how to understand other people (boundaries, safe people, how to make friends - which I'm currently reading). From time to time, I get circumstances in life where things get blurry again. I'll make this a general thread as it may apply to anything. My question basically is:

How do you deal with your feelings when you're in between feeling bad for yourself and feeling bad for another person?
When, logically, you see there is no reason to be affected, but you feel affected still (by people and their actions), how do you manage?
Click to expand...
[h=1]Mark 12:30-31English Standard Version (ESV)[/h][FONT=&quot]30 And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’[/FONT][FONT=Helvetica Neue, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif] [/FONT]31 [FONT=Helvetica Neue, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”[/FONT]

[FONT=Helvetica Neue, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]^ The gold standard for how we are to be.[/FONT]

[FONT=Helvetica Neue, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Sure, it's not easy. The reality is it's impossible, so we need God to work in us every day.[/FONT]

[FONT=Helvetica Neue, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]I see your dilemma on this site all the time, yet too often Christians think along those lines thinking that's Godly. It really isn't. Think about it. What's the opposite of loving God and others fully? Loving ourselves. That makes loving ourselves our primary target as sinners, and yet the very definition of sin to start with. We already love ourselves perfectly. That's exactly why we sin, because it has everything to do with ease and comfort for us, which means we put ourselves first.[/FONT]

[FONT=Helvetica Neue, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]In doing that, we can be timid souls or boastful, arrogant pieces of crap. But even there look what I just did -- defined other people to make myself look good. To love myself.[/FONT]

[FONT=Helvetica Neue, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Love isn't being a pushover and it isn't being pushy. 1 Cor. 13 describes what it looks like.[/FONT]

[FONT=Helvetica Neue, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Self-help books are guaranteed to pull us away from God into the assumption that if we get our act together we'll be fine. It's the exact opposite of God's message because we cannot/will not put ourselves together for God. We're total messes and remain that without God working through us. We're even total messes with God working through us, however, once we understand that, at least we can see the "God working through us" part.[/FONT]

[FONT=Helvetica Neue, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]We will never do anything right without God working through us. And what is God working through us? Love. Love for him and others, not ourselves. He doesn't need to teach us to love ourselves. We've mastered that and that is the problem.[/FONT]

[FONT=Helvetica Neue, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif](This advice is guaranteed to keep you off-kilter for the rest of your life. That's a good thing, because that is when God can work through us, when we give up thinking we can do it ourselves. :))[/FONT]
 
Demi777 said:
1. I started to block feeling bad for myself as it doesnt take me anywhere. And when I feel bad for another person, I usually go to them or they come to me and give them a hug and talk to them about it and pray.

2. Depends on the situation.. I got very upset after a person with diabetics got hurt so I took action by going to the person that is in charge in college, and prayed
When someone calls me names I keep Gods words in mind. When someone says im ugly, I remember where its written that he formed me in the womb and at the beginning of creation he said '' and he saw that it was very good''
On some days I go for a walk and just take some time to think and deal with all thats going on. Often I find myself reading psalms and proverbs lol
Click to expand...
^ And all Demi did was tell what loving God fully and loving others fully looks like too. ;)
 
About boundaries, it is very helpful in becoming a better person and in dealing with others. A person with healthy boundaries is an assertive person. We are born assertive. But as we grow older life becomes harder because we need to deal with other people's boundaries too aside from our own.

We learned boundaries from God becuse we are just like Him. He is firm on the things that He likes and He hates. And that means knowing yourself. The problem is when don't know who we are then it is the message that other's get.

Letting your boundaries known is not easy. You will bother a lot of people who won't respect your boundary. But assertive people don't care about being liked at all. They prefer being respected. Demand respect but also be respectful. Assertiveness is speaking the truth in love. When people bother me, I say it but I don't get bothered much nowadays. When I cross the line and offend others I say sorry. But when people hurt you and act like you hurt them they are being manipulative and I will not say sorry to that.
 
Hmmm, good question.

For me, it sometimes help to remember that I do carry with me hurt feelings from previous bullies, and to remember that those experiences do cloud my perception of other peoples words and actions (I read too much into them). That helps me take a stem back, and sometimes realize that I was about to over- react.
 
Thank you for all your responses, guys. I appreciate it. I posted this thread when I was going thru one of those circumstances and my emotions were getting ahead of me. Now that the circumstance has passed, I kinda feel embarrassed for making a big deal out of it. It was something really petty but for those who asked, this was what happened specifically:

Basically, my two friends invited me to go out. I was so excited because I haven't left my nest for many months (last time I met with these friends was last year), way too excited that I did some planning and stuff but my friends didn't seem that interested even if they were the ones who invited me. Like, there was no set time, no venue, they just told me they'd call me later so, like I was supposed to sit there and wait, like I had nothing else to do in life. On normal days, it wouldn't have bothered me. Just today it kinda tickled with my, dare I say it, pride. And it annoyed me, I wanted to just be immature and go passive aggressive on them. In the end, I decided to just let it go, and I had fun with them.

At the time of posting I was overthinking everything, I got so worked up and I was disappointed in myself for getting too affected by little things. I know that God accepts me for who I am and He's working through me (smoothing many rough edges), just that sometimes I forget, you know? xD But thanks for the advise everyone.
 
wwjd_kilden said:
Hmmm, good question.

For me, it sometimes help to remember that I do carry with me hurt feelings from previous bullies, and to remember that those experiences do cloud my perception of other peoples words and actions (I read too much into them). That helps me take a stem back, and sometimes realize that I was about to over- react.
Click to expand...

Exactly! I over-react almost every time! Especially as my social interaction with people other than my family is limited, I tend to read too much into them and make a big deal out of everything!
 
AZ,

it's so refreshing to see that you are open to learning and are indeed learning how to live
your life in a better way than before you learned what you have learned through Jesus Christ...

we love and respect your honesty, GBY...
 
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