Can imperfect love conceive of the fullness of perfect love ?
Just as a two dimensional figure living in "flatland" cannot comprehend the depth of a three dimensional figure, neither can we comprehend the depth of the holiness and perfection of God.
what has happened to you, im sure it was trying and difficult, which caused you to abandon God is not proof of his nonexistence but proof of your own faithlessness.
Job makes an astute and faithful remark in Job 13:15... though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him. Nevertheless I will plead my case. He acknowledged that God was perfect in His ways though he perceived that he (Job) was not at fault.
The Bible says that we suppress the truth because of our love for unrighteousness. I suppose that you have not been tempted to the point of shedding blood. I know you must've suffered and felt unheard by God. But many martyrs who were not delivered from their enemies still praised God with their last breath from all the corners of the earth.
what has happened is you in your faithlessness denied God, and accepted a doctrine which allieviates your own guilt. I did the very same thing as you, but because of God's faithfulness, he allowed me to suffer to the point that I could not bear, until I finally turned to Him in desperation and anguish, and He answered me and revealed Himself to me.
jeremiah 29:13 promises that if you seek Him with all your heart, He will be found by you! you can choose to debate and argue and accept the spirit of discord and mockery into your life. But you can also choose to seek His face.
There re are plenty of resources which illustrate the fullness of love understood by the author. The Bible says that God is love. your forum post was about love. So seek yourself the love of God and you will find a glimpse into the fullness of love that is in God.
Basilea Schlink writes many great books about the love of God. You can also consider reading Mirror of simple souls by Porete, or Lilies Among the Thorns by Danyun.
when you speak of heaven or hell you are speaking of concepts beyond your grasp. If a man gave you a luxury car out of the blue, you would know that you did not deserve it. Why then when God gives you the promise of heaven do you assume you deserve it because of who God is ? You don't understand even the slightest part of who God is! In fact if all of the hosts of heaven and every created thing were gathered to speak of God's love, they could not even speak a spark of the fullness of the flame of God's love which burns brighter than 10000 suns!
Understanding God's love goes hand in hand with understanding the wretchedness of your own sin. And if you begin to understand that, you would realize that hell is what we all deserve.
Sorry for ranting... I hope you will find God again!
One last thought.. just as Adam and Eve were made to be eternal, so too all their sons and daughters were made to be eternal. But the sin of Adam brought death and the eternal because corrupted and was subjugated to death. So is it fair that you must die and face judgment? Indeed it is fair because you were not born into perfection by the hand of God, but born into death by the sin of your fathers!
i hope that among all our writings you will find hope and even a spark of life is enough to ignite the light of Christ again. So bless you, and may God reveal Himself to you again!