Can Anyone Relate?

[ServantGirl]

Right now I'm sitting here in a battle. The sun is shining. It's a gorgeous day. Everything around me is at peace. Yet my mind is under attack, so I cannot feel the joy others do on such a beautiful, peaceful day. I am AGAIN struggling with my selfish, sinful nature and it's ugly desires. I can totally relate to Paul when he said he did the very things he hated (I'm paraphrasing). My mind has wandered into thoughts that have led to desires I detest. Yet they sound attractive to me right now. I went into the chat rooms looking for someone who could encourage me through this, but it seems people would rather shoot the breeze with each other than be alert for a sister in need. One person did care enough to try to be encouragement, but they could not relate to this spiritual warfare that I recognize I'm going through. All of my friends who I could send a text to would be there for me, but they also don't understand because they don't believe and experience what I believe and experience. I'm just desperate for someone to understand and be encouragement for me so I don't feel so low...so far from God. I want to count everything as garbage in comparison to knowing the love of God, again similar to what Paul wrote. But there are moments in my life, such as this one, when I feel so sucked into the world's mentality, with eyesight only for the seen. I hate being human! Can anyone relate????

 

[andiesollestre]

Hi there sister,


i know how it feels to be sitting in silence but could hardly say solitude, when everything around you is peaceful but inside you there's a war waging. It feels like being driven by the rough seas being tossed and turned and driving me almost closely to insanity but would not admit it because of the fear that other people might misunderstand me or dismiss me altogether. Sometimes thats where i am. Scattered. Those are the times of my life where i couldnt just sit still and read my bible and couldnt understand a single scripture because i hear my flesh speaks louder. There are times when i want to explode because theres a frustration in my heart to do the right thing and yet at the end of the day, theres only more guilt and i felt fallen away. and most of the time, it felt like i'm the only one who'd commit a terrible thing and feel more disconnected to the Lord and to the world. and at times i went looking too for someone i can just vent and still be understood, and it gets more frustrating to end up supressed because no one seemed to get it.


i know its hard sister, because those unspoken struggle in your head can get louder and louder and become a rushing noise in your head. it is the sound of self-condemnation. and that is a struggle because you know you dont wanna believe it and yet thats how you feel.


I said a prayer for you. I dont know how else to encourage you but to leave you with the scriptures that helped me too during those times i felt that way.


If you can read Psalm 38, you will realize that youre not alone in that battle. The person who wrote that Psalm knows exactly what you are going through.


ONLY CONNECT. John 15:1 – 8. “Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit in itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in Me… This is to my Father’s glory that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.”


You are not alone sister. I hear ya with all that. I am praying that God would grant you a brand new day with a renewed mind and a fresh and thirsty heart for Him. Although your thoughts and emotions struggle with the "old-self" I pray that God give you the spirit to overcome them and His character would be seen in you as you come out strong. You are loved.

 

[tourist]

I do not feel that it is wrong to have these desires if they are directed at someone you love with all of your heart. If there is no desire there is no reason to pray for God to search and find the one of your heart's desire because marriage would be pointless. Believe me, I understand what you have written and you are certainly not alone with these types of thoughts.

 

[Ugly]

hi Servant
I know all about the human struggle. I feel what you described more days than not. I think most people feel this way, Christians, but are afraid to face it. So they fill their time with idle chatter, like in the chats. And discourage those who bring it up, making them face their own shortcomings.
But really, lots of people go through what you're feeling. And face it. You are far from alone in this experience.

But i don't usually encourage people towards the chats who are looking for help. The forums, making posts (more than blogs) tends to get more replies.

 

[Guest]

i can relate !

 

[ServantGirl]

I couldn't figure out how to make a post. I'm still fairly new.

hi Servant
I know all about the human struggle. I feel what you described more days than not. I think most people feel this way, Christians, but are afraid to face it. So they fill their time with idle chatter, like in the chats. And discourage those who bring it up, making them face their own shortcomings.
But really, lots of people go through what you're feeling. And face it. You are far from alone in this experience.

But i don't usually encourage people towards the chats who are looking for help. The forums, making posts (more than blogs) tends to get more replies.

 

[ServantGirl]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. It means a lot.

 

[secularhermit]

I lightly think i understand ("I went into the chat rooms looking for someone who could encourage me through this, but it seems people would rather shoot the breeze with each other than be alert for a sister in need."). But it can't be denied their reason to go there to chat and "find" anything they "need" when going there. That could be any sort of emotional reliefs you couldn't find (or that you think you would find when blogging). Hope you find it there, in chatting areas or here, on blogs.

Most of us have wandered in thoughts, positives or negatives. Some of those are like "I want to live that out" or "I want to die" since I could think "Life doesn't deserve living" (these two are negatives, as you surely know). Here I learned people think "grass is greener the other side" I am. Why not assuming more responsibility in getting what I want, instead of looking at what other have (or have despised).

Whenever I paid a visit to that area for chatting, I preferred to write, instead of talking (I talk a lot) and the CC system has a whistle to warn each person we have a limited time to talk (an a gap to hear ) and that noise is to GIVE OTHERS THEIR CHANCE to express their ideas or feelings... Have you given others that privilege here? or, instead, when you wrote this blog wanted to be noticed and recognized?

Here are some you would find who can relate.

The problem is still being the same, we all are seeking for something: Fellowship, a mirror, the empathy of an enduring love, comprehension, a friend, a lover, someone to lie or someone to hug and feel we all are alive (no one wants to die) (I'm sure of that).

I don't like Paul's ideas!

Jesus, instead, said: "Knock, ask, seek... and you will receive."

Whatever you've liked has a price and its timing.

Nothing is really free (we have to pay) and too many things I can't not afford now, but I want to live.

I hope you too!

 

[secularhermit]

Hi there sister,


i know how it feels to be sitting in silence but could hardly say solitude, when everything around you is peaceful but inside you there's a war waging. It feels like being driven by the rough seas being tossed and turned and driving me almost closely to insanity but would not admit it because of the fear that other people might misunderstand me or dismiss me altogether. Sometimes thats where i am. Scattered. Those are the times of my life where i couldnt just sit still and read my bible and couldnt understand a single scripture because i hear my flesh speaks louder. There are times when i want to explode because theres a frustration in my heart to do the right thing and yet at the end of the day, theres only more guilt and i felt fallen away. and most of the time, it felt like i'm the only one who'd commit a terrible thing and feel more disconnected to the Lord and to the world. and at times i went looking too for someone i can just vent and still be understood, and it gets more frustrating to end up supressed because no one seemed to get it.


i know its hard sister, because those unspoken struggle in your head can get louder and louder and become a rushing noise in your head. it is the sound of self-condemnation. and that is a struggle because you know you dont wanna believe it and yet thats how you feel.


I said a prayer for you. I dont know how else to encourage you but to leave you with the scriptures that helped me too during those times i felt that way.


If you can read Psalm 38, you will realize that youre not alone in that battle. The person who wrote that Psalm knows exactly what you are going through.


ONLY CONNECT. John 15:1 – 8. “Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit in itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in Me… This is to my Father’s glory that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.”


You are not alone sister. I hear ya with all that. I am praying that God would grant you a brand new day with a renewed mind and a fresh and thirsty heart for Him. Although your thoughts and emotions struggle with the "old-self" I pray that God give you the spirit to overcome them and His character would be seen in you as you come out strong. You are loved.

Hi, Andy!

I like to apologize if I'm guilty of being emotionally blind... I have my own fights.

And I wanted to let you know there's a nice verse I would mention later on, when I change the operative system I'm just using now (I think it was Peter or John). I will check!

Hope you keep on helping and reading blogs. These seem to be a quiet area where thoughts are heard with not pushes of a whistle or a person in her /his emotional rush to write or talk about their feelings or ideas.

 

[ServantGirl]

Secular,

Did I come across as suicidal??? I'm sorry if I gave you that impression. It seems to me that you don't understand what I was talking about or can relate to how I was feeling. It is a tragedy that when a child of God is in need of encouragement, they are made to feel like they are attention seeking. I am here to love, accept, and encourage because unfortunately not enough people who call themselves Christians freely give those anymore. I felt judged by your words, which makes me feel sick to my stomach. I am grateful to have found encouragement from others before reading your response because your response would've made me feel worse than I was already feeling.

I apologize if I have offended you. I'm just trying to bring awareness to how words can lift someone up or cut someone down.

Ps. I don't know what you mean by Paul's "ideas". Are you not aware that he was living by the Spirit of Jesus? He was filled and controlled by the Spirit in a way I greatly desire to be - for my life to not be my own, but to be used by God for God.

 

[ServantGirl]

I do not feel that it is wrong to have these desires if they are directed at someone you love with all of your heart. If there is no desire there is no reason to pray for God to search and find the one of your heart's desire because marriage would be pointless. Believe me, I understand what you have written and you are certainly not alone with these types of thoughts.

I didn't say what the desire was for. You are making assumptions.

 

[secularhermit]

Secular,

Did I come across as suicidal??? I'm sorry if I gave you that impression. It seems to me that you don't understand what I was talking about or can relate to how I was feeling. It is a tragedy that when a child of God is in need of encouragement, they are made to feel like they are attention seeking. I am here to love, accept, and encourage because unfortunately not enough people who call themselves Christians freely give those anymore. I felt judged by your words, which makes me feel sick to my stomach. I am grateful to have found encouragement from others before reading your response because your response would've made me feel worse than I was already feeling.

I apologize if I have offended you. I'm just trying to bring awareness to how words can lift someone up or cut someone down.

Ps. I don't know what you mean by Paul's "ideas". Are you not aware that he was living by the Spirit of Jesus? He was filled and controlled by the Spirit in a way I greatly desire to be - for my life to not be my own, but to be used by God for God.

Yes, sir! "...My mind has wandered into thoughts that have led to desires I detest....I hate being human!" You did.

And I´m not the only one... But you know yourself.

Excuse me for my being wrong.

Perhaps you also have a "way" on coveying your OWN IDEAS that aren´t "easy" to be gotten so, after MY MISTAKE, now I´m aware you´re absolute out of risk and many people related to this.

I hope this failure in comunicating things serves you more than me.

P.S.

"...I apologize if I have offended you. I'm just trying to bring awareness to how words can lift someone up or cut someone down."

How could you offend me, young lady?

Again, note how we perceived each other and, again, It was me who was wrong (and I can live with it).

 

[secularhermit]

I didn't say what the desire was for. You are making assumptions.

He also took it... Wrong?

You yourself are proving you could have a problem in coveying ideas and these TWO perceived YOU differently.

Perhaps is only me who took you wrongly... I will not die!

But I can be wrong, more times than this.

Words are subjective.

Your thoughts are (and were) subjective.

Get the "spirit" of that state of awareness and do as you do (or feel pleased).

 

[ServantGirl]

The desire I struggled with that day was the desire to drink. It was nothing sexual as I feel is what was assumed. I'm sorry my words were misleading. I detest drinking because I have always drank to get drunk. I said it the way I said it, though, because I didn't want to mention what the desire was. Truly it doesn't matter what it was. The point was I was desperate for encouragement to help me move past the desire.