Can You Heal from Adultery?

[ThereRoseaLamb]

I feel like I'm under water right now. Like I can't even breathe. We have had issues with both my parents health. Dementia with my father, blood pressure issues that put my mother in hospital. The end of last year was very stressful and I was hoping and praying this year would be different. But it doesn't seem it will be.

My sister came up to our parents to help with our father and take him to some doctors appointments. We have Mom coming up on her five year cancer scans. So there is a lot going on. The last day my sister was here we spent the day together, just the two of us. Walked downtown and visited some local shops. I could tell she was delaying going home, a couple hours drive south of us. When she dropped me off at my house she started to talk about issues she was having at home, specifically with her husband. She was upset and I stood for about an hour in the driveway talking to her. She's had a rough time in her marriage but many people do and work it out in the long run. I told her I would pray for her and she left.
Some of you may recall how I have mentioned my sister and her marital issues before. But she's stood strong, raised both her boys the best she could, really on her own. She called me the next morning and said it was over, she's getting divorced. Well, she's held on for 24 yrs. So I asked what had changed her mind so quickly. Her husband confessed that 10 yrs ago he had an affair with an ex-girlfriend. He said it was two months long and he didn't love the ex. Why he decided to confess this now is beyond me. My sister is devastated. Yet already he is turning the responsibility back on her. Telling her it was her fault. I don't want to take the decision away from her, but she has been through a lot in this marriage. Now she has found out that he has been staying overnight at his daughters apartment with his ex-wife there. She doesn't want to walk away right now because it's her son's last year in school. But I'm afraid her husband will talk her back into the relationship again. And at this point, I think she needs some time to clear her head and think things through before she makes a move. Especially since he seems to be taking no responsibility for the marriage and the betrayal, not only of her but her two boys. What advice would you give if it was your sister?

 

[Magenta]

How could she return under the guise of his betrayal being all her fault? That is a big red flag.
Maybe advice is not needed so much as just a listening ear. Your sister is drowning in sorrow
and grief. Be the sounding board she needs if she so desires, and give feedback when asked.

 

[tourist]

I don't believe that a person can be healed from adultery. Once the marital trust is broken it can never be restored. Your sister is doing the right thing by seeking a divorce. The fault for this terrible situation rests solely on her husband. A man that loves his wife does not cheat on her, or even contemplate such a horrible thing. Despicable.

 

[ThereRoseaLamb]

How could she return under the guise of his betrayal being all her fault? That is a big red flag.
Maybe advice is not needed so much as just a listening ear. Your sister is drowning in sorrow
and grief. Be the sounding board she needs if she so desires, and give feedback when asked.

You know more of the story than most here. Right now I just pray for her over the phone. I don't want to push her in any direction. It just tears me up. We were just down visiting the baby. It just came out of nowhere. He said he's been talking to a pastor friend who told him to confess. My sister has a counselor she's been going to for a while now and she is going to see her. We haven't let our parents know yet. I agree about the red flag.

 

[Roughsoul1991]

I feel like I'm under water right now. Like I can't even breathe. We have had issues with both my parents health. Dementia with my father, blood pressure issues that put my mother in hospital. The end of last year was very stressful and I was hoping and praying this year would be different. But it doesn't seem it will be.

My sister came up to our parents to help with our father and take him to some doctors appointments. We have Mom coming up on her five year cancer scans. So there is a lot going on. The last day my sister was here we spent the day together, just the two of us. Walked downtown and visited some local shops. I could tell she was delaying going home, a couple hours drive south of us. When she dropped me off at my house she started to talk about issues she was having at home, specifically with her husband. She was upset and I stood for about an hour in the driveway talking to her. She's had a rough time in her marriage but many people do and work it out in the long run. I told her I would pray for her and she left.
Some of you may recall how I have mentioned my sister and her marital issues before. But she's stood strong, raised both her boys the best she could, really on her own. She called me the next morning and said it was over, she's getting divorced. Well, she's held on for 24 yrs. So I asked what had changed her mind so quickly. Her husband confessed that 10 yrs ago he had an affair with an ex-girlfriend. He said it was two months long and he didn't love the ex. Why he decided to confess this now is beyond me. My sister is devastated. Yet already he is turning the responsibility back on her. Telling her it was her fault. I don't want to take the decision away from her, but she has been through a lot in this marriage. Now she has found out that he has been staying overnight at his daughters apartment with his ex-wife there. She doesn't want to walk away right now because it's her son's last year in school. But I'm afraid her husband will talk her back into the relationship again. And at this point, I think she needs some time to clear her head and think things through before she makes a move. Especially since he seems to be taking no responsibility for the marriage and the betrayal, not only of her but her two boys. What advice would you give if it was your sister?

I mean she obviously has biblical grounds for divorce but to answer your question. Being involved in ministry I have seen people heal from adultery and stay committed. Rare but it definitely took an act of God to heal the couple. It took true repentance, trust building, therapy, and true acts of love. One couple was actually my cousin. Her husband cheated on her and she was so close to leaving him buy felt God was going to work in it. That was 5 years ago, they are still together, happy, and a new baby. Of course, they may be hiding the pain but from an outward perspective, they look healthy.

Divorce was allowed due to sin but was never God's design. So although it is permitted, it doesn't mean we have to. With God, anything is possible through love, forgiveness, repentance, and seeking God in all things.

 

[ThereRoseaLamb]

I mean she obviously has biblical grounds for divorce but to answer your question. Being involved in ministry I have seen people heal from adultery and stay committed. Rare but it definitely took an act of God to heal the couple. It took true repentance, trust building, therapy, and true acts of love. One couple was actually my cousin. Her husband cheated on her and she was so close to leaving him buy felt God was going to work in it. That was 5 years ago, they are still together, happy, and a new baby. Of course, they may be hiding the pain but from an outward perspective, they look healthy.

Divorce was allowed due to sin but was never God's design. So although it is permitted, it doesn't mean we have to. With God, anything is possible through love, forgiveness, repentance, and seeking God in all things.

I agree, there is always hope. They have so many extra issues weighing them down. The main issue is he has a daughter with two children. One is nearing 2yrs old and the other started school last year. She has continually abandoned her children to go drink and get high. Then she drops the kids at her fathers all weekend and my sister isn't willing to do that. She doesn't want to be raising two kids. The more she leaves the children, the more my sister believes she is planning to run away with her boyfriend once he gets out of jail. Honestly, it's like Jerry Springer, never seen the likes. She's 25, married and divorced twice with two children.

My BIL refuses to set any limits on her in any way. He bought an old building that he's poured money into to let his daughter live on one side and his son (my nephew and his wife) to take the other, they have a baby, same age. My nephew and his wife pay rent, his daughter pays nothing and he refuses to ask anything of her. I think this has all been coming to a head. My BIL spends no time at home. I thought something was up. Yet now he's turned around and says he wants everything to be the same again. It truly is a mess.

 

[Roughsoul1991]

I agree, there is always hope. They have so many extra issues weighing them down. The main issue is he has a daughter with two children. One is nearing 2yrs old and the other started school last year. She has continually abandoned her children to go drink and get high. Then she drops the kids at her fathers all weekend and my sister isn't willing to do that. She doesn't want to be raising two kids. The more she leaves the children, the more my sister believes she is planning to run away with her boyfriend once he gets out of jail. Honestly, it's like Jerry Springer, never seen the likes. She's 25, married and divorced twice with two children.

My BIL refuses to set any limits on her in any way. He bought an old building that he's poured money into to let his daughter live on one side and his son (my nephew and his wife) to take the other, they have a baby, same age. My nephew and his wife pay rent, his daughter pays nothing and he refuses to ask anything of her. I think this has all been coming to a head. My BIL spends no time at home. I thought something was up. Yet now he's turned around and says he wants everything to be the same again. It truly is a mess.

Sounds like a spinning out-of-control situation. It definitely isn't ideal but I wonder what would happen to the kids if the daughter doesn't mature up or runs away. A very difficult position for your BIL who I would assume is hoping his daughter will get her life together all the while has probably considered tough love as well which may force her to mature up or not and the kids get abused, neglected, or taken by the state.

They should seek counseling. Poor or emotionally fueled communication often leads nowhere. Your BIL will get defensive if his attempt to make things better continuously blows up in his face. Your sister being obviously hurt is continuously reminded of that hurt which often fuels anger, sadness, low self-image, and anxiety over the loss of trust.

How do people heal when one side gets frustrated that their attempts are not working and the other side is just reminded by every attempt that he hurt her?

By God's grace, love, and forgiveness.

There is an older lady in my church who told her testimony. She is known for always smiling. When she was younger she was married for quite a while (I forgot how long) but her husband cheated on her. Despite her willingness to forgive, he divorced her to marry the other woman. Well some time later, he grew sick, real sick and this woman from church, a now divorced woman who was cheated on decided to forgive and love.

She not only helped her ex-husband but even befriended the woman he married, and helped her out as well. She helped her ex until he passed away.

How does a woman like that become known for her smile? By the grace, love, and forgiveness that God helps us live in.

 

[ThereRoseaLamb]

Sounds like a spinning out-of-control situation. It definitely isn't ideal but I wonder what would happen to the kids if the daughter doesn't mature up or runs away. A very difficult position for your BIL who I would assume is hoping his daughter will get her life together all the while has probably considered tough love as well which may force her to mature up or not and the kids get abused, neglected, or taken by the state.

This is layered like an onion. The man she had her baby with is in jail for sexually assaulting an underage child. So she cannot have her kids and him. I think my BIL is preparing to raise them when she takes off with her man. But the minute she doesn't like how her life is going she will be back again and living off her father. Neither of the boys are allowed to do this and they are also his children. He let's her away with nearly murder. Every cent he has goes to her, my sister has no say. The two grand-kids stay every weekend while his daughter goes and gets drunk and high. The grand-kids are not disciplined and he won't let my sister say a word about the kids or his daughter. He indicated that he had/has been living the same life she is and said my sister is too religious. smh

They should seek counseling. Poor or emotionally fueled communication often leads nowhere. Your BIL will get defensive if his attempt to make things better continuously blows up in his face. Your sister being obviously hurt is continuously reminded of that hurt which often fuels anger, sadness, low self-image, and anxiety over the loss of trust.

That's basically where they are. Then there are my nephews, the boys. The youngest wants them to stay together and just get over it. The eldest who is married is mad at his father. He wanted to talk to me but I couldn't because my parents were nearby. So there needs to be healing there. My oldest nephew got his gf pregnant and we were just getting over all of that hurt when this hit. It's heartbreaking.

How do people heal when one side gets frustrated that their attempts are not working and the other side is just reminded by every attempt that he hurt her?

By God's grace, love, and forgiveness.

It's going to take a lot of work to get there. I'm praying, I don't want to say the wrong thing. I don't know God's plan. I think if it had been a one night stand, a "slip" situation she could have understood more than an ongoing relationship and continually lying to her.

There is an older lady in my church who told her testimony. She is known for always smiling. When she was younger she was married for quite a while (I forgot how long) but her husband cheated on her. Despite her willingness to forgive, he divorced her to marry the other woman. Well some time later, he grew sick, real sick and this woman from church, a now divorced woman who was cheated on decided to forgive and love.

She not only helped her ex-husband but even befriended the woman he married, and helped her out as well. She helped her ex until he passed away.

How does a woman like that become known for her smile? By the grace, love, and forgiveness that God helps us live in.

That is a beautiful story of love and grace for sure. People have forgiven murder, so it can be done. But with the stressful family dynamic, it's going to take a miracle at this point.

 

[Roughsoul1991]

This is layered like an onion. The man she had her baby with is in jail for sexually assaulting an underage child. So she cannot have her kids and him. I think my BIL is preparing to raise them when she takes off with her man. But the minute she doesn't like how her life is going she will be back again and living off her father. Neither of the boys are allowed to do this and they are also his children. He let's her away with nearly murder. Every cent he has goes to her, my sister has no say. The two grand-kids stay every weekend while his daughter goes and gets drunk and high. The grand-kids are not disciplined and he won't let my sister say a word about the kids or his daughter. He indicated that he had/has been living the same life she is and said my sister is too religious. smh




That's basically where they are. Then there are my nephews, the boys. The youngest wants them to stay together and just get over it. The eldest who is married is mad at his father. He wanted to talk to me but I couldn't because my parents were nearby. So there needs to be healing there. My oldest nephew got his gf pregnant and we were just getting over all of that hurt when this hit. It's heartbreaking.




It's going to take a lot of work to get there. I'm praying, I don't want to say the wrong thing. I don't know God's plan. I think if it had been a one night stand, a "slip" situation she could have understood more than an ongoing relationship and continually lying to her.




That is a beautiful story of love and grace for sure. People have forgiven murder, so it can be done. But with the stressful family dynamic, it's going to take a miracle at this point.

Sounds like there isn't a team mentality but more so authoritarian or apathetic mentality where emotionally the BIL has given up on communication.

The healthy response is to treat the money as a dual account. He shouldn't be making financial decisions without at least a middle-ground approach.

As honorable as it may be to desire to care for his daughter's kids that has to be a mutually agreed decision from him and your sister. If not then, she will likely not have the willpower to commit.

Sams with his decisions for his daughter, his decisions are not helping his daughter and they are putting a strain on the marriage. Technically once married, his daughter is now your sister's daughter as well and the response should be an agreed response. If no agreement then at least a middle-ground response.

With Biblical grounds for divorce and the lack of mutual decision making I'm not surprised that she is feeling like divorce is the only means to peace.

I hope therapy helps with communication, teamwork, and wise decision-making skills. But yes, at this point a miracle is needed because it takes two to make it work.

Maybe if she wrote out her expectations on what needs to happen to save the marriage then your BIL may have a better understanding of what he needs to do. That would determine how badly he wants to save the marriage.

Him calling your sister too religious is a sign of a deeper internal struggle. I wonder what he meant by that.

 

[ThereRoseaLamb]

Sounds like there isn't a team mentality but more so authoritarian or apathetic mentality where emotionally the BIL has given up on communication.

The healthy response is to treat the money as a dual account. He shouldn't be making financial decisions without at least a middle-ground approach.

As honorable as it may be to desire to care for his daughter's kids that has to be a mutually agreed decision from him and your sister. If not then, she will likely not have the willpower to commit.

Sams with his decisions for his daughter, his decisions are not helping his daughter and they are putting a strain on the marriage. Technically once married, his daughter is now your sister's daughter as well and the response should be an agreed response. If no agreement then at least a middle-ground response.

With Biblical grounds for divorce and the lack of mutual decision making I'm not surprised that she is feeling like divorce is the only means to peace.

I hope therapy helps with communication, teamwork, and wise decision-making skills. But yes, at this point a miracle is needed because it takes two to make it work.

Maybe if she wrote out her expectations on what needs to happen to save the marriage then your BIL may have a better understanding of what he needs to do. That would determine how badly he wants to save the marriage.

Him calling your sister too religious is a sign of a deeper internal struggle. I wonder what he meant by that.

I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts. I feel the same way about it. I think he feels my sister is judging his daughter. My sister is head of music at church and even though he volunteered her to do it, he seems to think she, and actually us as a family are too religious. Which may be a hit against when we were in ministry as a family. But my sister isn't judging her, she's afraid she's going to be sexually assaulted, or worse. And of course she feels that the children are her responsibility and it's past time to grow up. She leaves her children with different family members until they call her out on her behavior then she shuts them out.

This has been an issue throughout the marriage. He has put his daughter first, and my sister has never had a say when it comes to her. She got whatever she wanted, acted however she wished, nothing was allowed to be said. Now their sons, he's totally different. He's always barking at them about responsibility and how they should live their lives. Yet makes excuses for his daughter.

In all this I fear my sister has been so beaten down that she will just take him back and continue the misery. I don't believe the story that he only had an affair with one woman. We have been visiting my sister regularly since last year to see my little nephew and her husband is never around. It's clear they have been living separate lives for a long time. So many lives are affected here. We were going to visit this long weekend but my parents can't know right now and my sister said it's too tense. But my parents will want to visit soon or be wanting to know why we aren't. So many affected. Thank you for your posts, they have been helpful.

 

[Roughsoul1991]

I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts. I feel the same way about it. I think he feels my sister is judging his daughter. My sister is head of music at church and even though he volunteered her to do it, he seems to think she, and actually us as a family are too religious. Which may be a hit against when we were in ministry as a family. But my sister isn't judging her, she's afraid she's going to be sexually assaulted, or worse. And of course she feels that the children are her responsibility and it's past time to grow up. She leaves her children with different family members until they call her out on her behavior then she shuts them out.

This has been an issue throughout the marriage. He has put his daughter first, and my sister has never had a say when it comes to her. She got whatever she wanted, acted however she wished, nothing was allowed to be said. Now their sons, he's totally different. He's always barking at them about responsibility and how they should live their lives. Yet makes excuses for his daughter.

In all this I fear my sister has been so beaten down that she will just take him back and continue the misery. I don't believe the story that he only had an affair with one woman. We have been visiting my sister regularly since last year to see my little nephew and her husband is never around. It's clear they have been living separate lives for a long time. So many lives are affected here. We were going to visit this long weekend but my parents can't know right now and my sister said it's too tense. But my parents will want to visit soon or be wanting to know why we aren't. So many affected. Thank you for your posts, they have been helpful.

I'm sorry I know it must be so difficult with so much going on. Feeling surrounded is no easy feeling.

It is very suspicious to not be around when you should be. That is not a good sign. You are doing the right thing by ministering to your sister. With your help and prayers, I'm certain she will make the best decision.

If she is dead set on making the marriage work,

If it was my sister based on the little bit of knowledge in this thread, I'd advise on an agreed-upon physical separation for 40 days to see if effort is made in communication, agreed-upon problem-solving solutions, and true repentance in efforts to be engaged (present in the home).

If this fails, then it should easily be made clear that he doesn't want the marriage and he would rather abandon his covenant duties than be the husband God has called him to be.

Unfortunately, with this much damage, it will have collateral and everyone near it will have to learn how to cope with it. A few years ago I tried to minister to a couple, some dear friends of ours, that were on the verge of divorce. They had 5 kids and two more they were planning to adopt.

Really rough season and so many people were affected. Still to this day, it was so messy and so much back and forth that I can't even say for certain who was at fault other than what sparked the end was she had an emotional affair or as far as we knew. But according to her, the emotional abuse had been going on the whole marriage.

Anyway, it got really ugly to the point where it became our goal just to comfort and love on the collateral damage because the couple was using the kids as weapons against each other.

My point is, it is very much a good idea for your sister to think about how this situation will affect others but unfortunately, it is still her life and she will have to decide what is worth enduring. She also can't bear all the responsibility of how it will affect others as this is a multi-angle complication that isn't the fault of one person.