Dating after divorce????

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Sillychick723

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How long should someone wait before dating again after a divorce is final? When is the right time? :confused:Are there rules to this? Any advice is much appreciated.
 
Don't think there are any hard and fast rules, since every person and every situation is different. Personally i would not advise less than a year. I've never faced it, so i know it's easy to say. But i've got that long and longer having not dated, so it's doable.
You need to give yourself time to recover. There's usually more residual affects after a divorce than most people want to admit to. You don't want to bring you recent issues with you. And sometimes people who move too fast end up feeling smothered for not having taken time after divorce to have time to themselves.
But if you meet someone good, and haven't taken time to heal and mend from the effects, seen and unseen, then you will simply carry it with you into your next relationship and it will fall into ruin as well. Better to spend too much time healing, than not enough.
 
I had originally decided to wait about 3 years more or less since my ex-husband had left. Some of my friends thought it was crazy but I figured since it was 13 years we were together, 3 years to work on me was a good starting point. I appreciate your sound advice. I'm about a year and a half into this thing (it's been only a couple of weeks since the divorce was final) and I'm actually feeling really good. I'm keeping busy. I'll see how I feel a year from now.
 
I heard once that a person should allow one month of solitude and healing for every year the relationship went on before a person should consider dating again. I don't know how valid that is. Just something I heard. I went almost 2 years between my first divorce and dating the woman who became ex wife #2, and for me personally, that wasn't enough time, and we had only been married 3 years. I hadn't yet processed everything from the first relationship, so I brought a lot of baggage into the new relationship.
 
Last thing I want to do is bring baggage into a new relationship. Post-divorce, I have a better understanding of where I failed in the marriage. What I couldn't see then I can see now. Because of that I now have a starting point on what I need to actively & intentionally work on. Let me tell you, IT IS HARD. To self-reflect and see your failures, hangups & flaws is truly difficult but humbling because you now know where to begin to work on.
 
My counselor, a mature Christian, suggested that I wait three years before starting over. At the time I thought it was ridiculous. Now it's been over three years, and after much prayer, I started dating again. I think the key is to seek the Lord and ask Him both to work in you and to tell you when you're ready. I should add, I see the wisdom of waiting.
 
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The rule is never do anything until it is right with God -- you can't put numbers on such a thing. This applies to all walks of life not just this topic. However, I would just focus on God and my time being single rather than when the next one comes around.
 
Sillychick723 said:
I had originally decided to wait about 3 years more or less since my ex-husband had left. Some of my friends thought it was crazy but I figured since it was 13 years we were together, 3 years to work on me was a good starting point. I appreciate your sound advice. I'm about a year and a half into this thing (it's been only a couple of weeks since the divorce was final) and I'm actually feeling really good. I'm keeping busy. I'll see how I feel a year from now.
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What your friends think is irrelevant. You know your heart and what's going on inside you. It's your life, not theirs. You have to live with the consequences you choose, not them. So ignoring that is a good thing. And if you feel you need 3 years, then go for it. But who knows, maybe you'll hit that 3 year mark and still not be ready. Just be flexible for what you Need and don't stick too hard to a time frame.
 
Sillychick723 said:
Last thing I want to do is bring baggage into a new relationship. Post-divorce, I have a better understanding of where I failed in the marriage. What I couldn't see then I can see now. Because of that I now have a starting point on what I need to actively & intentionally work on. Let me tell you, IT IS HARD. To self-reflect and see your failures, hangups & flaws is truly difficult but humbling because you now know where to begin to work on.
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Start with your screen name - don't label and thus think of yourself as something you are not or do not want to be. Beats silly-wabbit tho ...
 
Sillychick723 said:
How long should someone wait before dating again after a divorce is final? When is the right time? :confused:Are there rules to this? Any advice is much appreciated.
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There are no set rules, just focus on God and yourself. I attended Divorce Care through my church and took Foundations classes to prepare myself for future relationships. I also became involved with my church and currently serving in a ministry. You will know when the time is right, God will show you the way. God bless you!!
 
As the other posters said, focus on God.
At least 2 years would be a general number. Still it could be longer, yet probably not shorter.
 
It does beat silly-wabbit. I didn't have many options. Besides, wascally wabbit was taken. :p
 
Thank you Lijo. I actually have been looking into Divorce Care at a local church because my church does not provide it. Their classes start in September so we'll see how that goes. Thank you for your advice & God bless you too!
 
I read things like this and I see how fortunate I am, blessed, that my sister in law is always there for me if I need a hand, and that I am well off enough financially that I don't have to work and can focus on being mister mom for my two young girls.
I feel for those who are divorced or widowed who have the extra burden of child care issues.
Will say a pray SC.
 
Sillychick723 said:
Thank you Lijo. I actually have been looking into Divorce Care at a local church because my church does not provide it. Their classes start in September so we'll see how that goes. Thank you for your advice & God bless you too!
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They have a daily devotional by e-mail which goes through the issues. You can sign up at their web site.
 
I believe that three years is a good rule of thumb generally speaking. There are other factors involved as well, such as how healthy or unhealthy the marriage was, how it ended, how you are getting along or feeling about your ex-spouse now, and whether children are involved. Sounds like you are in a good spot right now, so keep doing what you're doing! :)
 
I agree totally, you need to find you again. I waited 3 years. It's taken alot longer for me to be myself again. I was in a very controlling marriage.
All the best.
 
I'm about a year and half in as well. And most recently I have learned that marriage/ dating/ whatever you want to call it, is something I'm no longer interested in. I did get back to just "me" and after much reflection I realized I never wanted to married to begin with. When my ex-wife and I first separated I had a meltdown. But I now know it wasnt being alone I was afraid of, it was change I was afraid of.

I have come to enjoy having my own space and its difficult to imagine giving it up now. And, to make sure I hold myself accountable, I promised my daughters I would not re-marry. I would never break a promise to my daughters. They now know they have my full attention and don't have to fight for it like they do at their mothers. I cant imagine injecting another woman into their lives. Plus, I'm in my 30's now. My focus needs to be God, Kids, and Career.

Recent philosophy- Everyone is someone else depending on who they are around. The only way to truly be yourself is to be alone.
 
I think it was a solid three years for me. I had tried dating earlier than that, and for whatever reason, things just never got very far at all. Last year at some point I had a dream, and just felt like it was God telling me that it was time for me to start dating, and not long afterward I had my first girlfriend in three years, not because I looked for one, but the relationship just developed. Let God have his hand on it and everything will be taken care of.
 
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