Dating Someone Who Claims to be a Christian, but doesn't live it

[elizabethlear]

I am looking for advice. I really just need some outside eyes here.

Up until a couple of years ago, I was very strong in my faith. Then, it started to dwindle (stopped praying before bed, didn't go to church as much, not including God in my life etc), but I still felt very strongly about some of the "rules" of Christianity. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, no drinking in excess, stuff like that I was still following, just my relationship with God was cruddy.

A little over a year ago I started dating this guy. Very great guy. Treats me well and everything. He claims Christianity as his religion as well. Before we even started dating, he knew that I didn't want to have sex before marriage. When we started dating he was a virgin as well but he was divided on the issue of sex before marriage. Long story, short, we ended up having sex. It bothered me at first a little but I always brushed it off. A couple of months ago, I felt a conviction to reignite my relationship with God, so of course, that meant to repent of my sexual sin. I talked to my boyfriend about it. I told him that I didn't want to do those things anymore and I told him why. He said, "You sound like a Bible Thumper." He also argued that I had "made a big important decision about our relationship without consulting him first." And said that it'd be like if he moved in with me without asking me first. In the end he did accept it, but he doesn't like it.

This has been eating at me for weeks now. I think I need to break up with him. After reflection, I realize that although he may claim to be a Christian, he doesn't live it. Doesn't go to church, drinks a lot, and never goes to church. He seems to only use it to justify conservative views. He doesn't understand why I'm making all these changes in my life. He's asked on more than one occasion "What happened to make you want to change?" But it wasn't in an "I'm proud of you" way it was more like "What are you thinking?!"

I still care about him, and he's a good guy, but can I have a good relationship with somebody who simply doesn't understand my desire to have a relationship with Christ? Who thinks of me as a "Bible Thumper" for it? Who I can't have deep, thought provoking conversations with God about?

What do you think? I think I know what I need to do, but I think I just need a pair of outside eyes to tell me.

 

[djness]

You keep saying he is a good guy which sounds like a rationalization for not seeing him for what he is. It's like when I hear some random person say about someone who gets arrested "I dunno why they got arrested they are a good person, they have only been arrested 63 times before." Our definition of good varies drastically based on what sort of people we are used to being around.

When it is boils down to it though, God is going to make you choose God over everything else. If you can do that great, if not, you will end up repeating the cycle.

 

[Ugly]

Get rid of the bozo. He is a fake. You won't have a good relationship with a fake. Period. Trust me on this as it's something i learned recently.

 

[MultilingualMessenger]

A little over a year ago I started dating this guy. Very great guy. Treats me well and everything. He claims Christianity as his religion as well. Before we even started dating, he knew that I didn't want to have sex before marriage. When we started dating he was a virgin as well but he was divided on the issue of sex before marriage. Long story, short, we ended up having sex. It bothered me at first a little but I always brushed it off. A couple of months ago, I felt a conviction to reignite my relationship with God, so of course, that meant to repent of my sexual sin. I talked to my boyfriend about it. I told him that I didn't want to do those things anymore and I told him why. He said, "You sound like a Bible Thumper." He also argued that I had "made a big important decision about our relationship without consulting him first." And said that it'd be like if he moved in with me without asking me first. In the end he did accept it, but he doesn't like it.

You don't need anyone's permission or approval to obey God. When you guys had sex, you two made an important decision about your relationship without consulting God first. You realized this and repented. He needs to do the same, but he resents your repentance. You guys can't put God first as a couple if you don't each put God first individually. This guy claims Christianity but doesn't want to live the Christian walk. You know a tree by its fruit; a good tree doesn't produce bad fruit. If you are feeling led to leave, leave. What fellowship does light have with darkness?

 

[Abing]

I am looking for advice. I really just need some outside eyes here.

Up until a couple of years ago, I was very strong in my faith. Then, it started to dwindle (stopped praying before bed, didn't go to church as much, not including God in my life etc), but I still felt very strongly about some of the "rules" of Christianity. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, no drinking in excess, stuff like that I was still following, just my relationship with God was cruddy.

A little over a year ago I started dating this guy. Very great guy. Treats me well and everything. He claims Christianity as his religion as well. Before we even started dating, he knew that I didn't want to have sex before marriage. When we started dating he was a virgin as well but he was divided on the issue of sex before marriage. Long story, short, we ended up having sex. It bothered me at first a little but I always brushed it off. A couple of months ago, I felt a conviction to reignite my relationship with God, so of course, that meant to repent of my sexual sin. I talked to my boyfriend about it. I told him that I didn't want to do those things anymore and I told him why. He said, "You sound like a Bible Thumper." He also argued that I had "made a big important decision about our relationship without consulting him first." And said that it'd be like if he moved in with me without asking me first. In the end he did accept it, but he doesn't like it.

This has been eating at me for weeks now. I think I need to break up with him. After reflection, I realize that although he may claim to be a Christian, he doesn't live it. Doesn't go to church, drinks a lot, and never goes to church. He seems to only use it to justify conservative views. He doesn't understand why I'm making all these changes in my life. He's asked on more than one occasion "What happened to make you want to change?" But it wasn't in an "I'm proud of you" way it was more like "What are you thinking?!"

I still care about him, and he's a good guy, but can I have a good relationship with somebody who simply doesn't understand my desire to have a relationship with Christ? Who thinks of me as a "Bible Thumper" for it? Who I can't have deep, thought provoking conversations with God about?

What do you think? I think I know what I need to do, but I think I just need a pair of outside eyes to tell me.

I was in a similar situation as you . You deserve a man who will walk with you in faith. Not someone who will drag you down. In my case, I had to choose, the man I loved or the God I worship. In the end, it comes down to that decision. Only you know, deep inside of you, if this is the right relationship or not. It sounds to me, you already have the answer, just not the courage. Obeying God, will be worth it, sister. Trust that it will all work out. The heartbreak will be tough but it will work out.

 

[Grace10]

You should be the one mad at him. Not him at you. But at the same time, you should have asked about his faith before you had sex with him. Maybe you could work on teaching him the gospel, then get formally married. Pray about it.

 

[ArtsieSteph]

I feel kinda bad because I dated a guy who wasn't when I was 16. And so I dumped him. ^_^;;; Or I should say he said he was Christian but I'm fairly sure he was very interested in physical relationship and so. Yeah no.

 

[RememberTheSabbathDay]

I am looking for advice. I really just need some outside eyes here.

Up until a couple of years ago, I was very strong in my faith. Then, it started to dwindle (stopped praying before bed, didn't go to church as much, not including God in my life etc), but I still felt very strongly about some of the "rules" of Christianity. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, no drinking in excess, stuff like that I was still following, just my relationship with God was cruddy.

A little over a year ago I started dating this guy. Very great guy. Treats me well and everything. He claims Christianity as his religion as well. Before we even started dating, he knew that I didn't want to have sex before marriage. When we started dating he was a virgin as well but he was divided on the issue of sex before marriage. Long story, short, we ended up having sex. It bothered me at first a little but I always brushed it off. A couple of months ago, I felt a conviction to reignite my relationship with God, so of course, that meant to repent of my sexual sin. I talked to my boyfriend about it. I told him that I didn't want to do those things anymore and I told him why. He said, "You sound like a Bible Thumper." He also argued that I had "made a big important decision about our relationship without consulting him first." And said that it'd be like if he moved in with me without asking me first. In the end he did accept it, but he doesn't like it.

This has been eating at me for weeks now. I think I need to break up with him. After reflection, I realize that although he may claim to be a Christian, he doesn't live it. Doesn't go to church, drinks a lot, and never goes to church. He seems to only use it to justify conservative views. He doesn't understand why I'm making all these changes in my life. He's asked on more than one occasion "What happened to make you want to change?" But it wasn't in an "I'm proud of you" way it was more like "What are you thinking?!"

I still care about him, and he's a good guy, but can I have a good relationship with somebody who simply doesn't understand my desire to have a relationship with Christ? Who thinks of me as a "Bible Thumper" for it? Who I can't have deep, thought provoking conversations with God about?

What do you think? I think I know what I need to do, but I think I just need a pair of outside eyes to tell me.

Pure love is simple in its operations, and is distinct from any other principle of action. The love of influence and the desire for the esteem of others may produce a well-ordered life and frequently a blameless conversation. Self-respect may lead us to avoid the appearance of evil. A selfish heart may perform generous actions, acknowledge the present truth, and express humility and affection in an outward manner, yet the motives may be deceptive and impure; the actions that flow from such a heart may be destitute of the savor of life and the fruits of true holiness, being destitute of the principles of pure love.

Love should be cherished and cultivated, for its influence is divine.


When Love is Blind

Two persons become acquainted; they are infatuated with each other, and their whole attention is absorbed. Reason is blinded, and judgment is overthrown. They will not submit to any advice or control, but insist on having their own way, regardless of consequence.

Like some epidemic, or contagion, that must run its course, is the infatuation that possesses them; and there seems to be no such thing as putting a stop to it. Perhaps there are those around them who realize that, should the parties interested be united in marriage, it could only result in life-long unhappiness. But entreaties and exhortations are given in vain. Perhaps, by such a union, the usefulness of one whom God would bless in His service will be crippled and destroyed; but reasoning and persuasion are alike unheeded.

All that can be said by men and women of experience proves ineffectual; it is powerless to change the decision to which their desires have led them. They lose interest in everything that pertains to religion. They are wholly infatuated with each other, and the duties of life are neglected, as if they were matters of little concern.


The good name of honor is sacrificed under the spell of this infatuation, and the marriage of such persons cannot be solemnized under the approval of God. They are married because passion moved them, and when the novelty of the affair is over, they will begin to realize what they have done. In six months after the vows are spoken, their sentiments toward each other have undergone a change. Each has learned in married life more of the character of the companion chosen. Each discovers imperfections that, during the blindness and folly of their former association, were not apparent. The promises at the altar do not bind them together. In consequence of hasty marriages, even among the professed people of God, there are separations, divorces, and great confusion in the church.

When it is too late, they find that they have made a mistake, and have imperiled their happiness in this life and the salvation of their souls. They would not admit that any one knew anything about the matter but themselves, when if counsel had been received, they might have saved themselves years of anxiety and sorrow.

But advice is only thrown away on those who are determined to have their own way. Passion carries such individuals over every barrier that reason and judgment can interpose.
Weigh every sentiment, and watch every development of character in the one with whom you think to link your life destiny. The step you are about to take is one of the most important in your life, and should not be taken hastily. While you may love, do not love blindly.


I hope you will have self-respect enough to shun this form of courtship.

If you have an eye single to the glory of God, you will move with deliberate caution. You will not suffer lovesick sentimentalism to so blind your vision that you cannot discern the high claims that God has upon you as a Christian.





Letters To Lovers pages 33-35 by Ellen G. White

 

[dalconn]

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's a duck!!!!

You're only 19...dump him and get back to your first love ~

 

[elizabethlear]

I just want to thank you all for your advice, you've opened my eyes up even more to why my relationship is so toxic for me. I'm new to the website so I'm not sure if you all will see this but I hope you do.

Please pray for me in my next step of breaking up. It is going to be extremely difficult to end this since it was my first real relationship and it's been a year and three months.

Again, thank you all!

 

[Abing]

I just want to thank you all for your advice, you've opened my eyes up even more to why my relationship is so toxic for me. I'm new to the website so I'm not sure if you all will see this but I hope you do.

Please pray for me in my next step of breaking up. It is going to be extremely difficult to end this since it was my first real relationship and it's been a year and three months.

Again, thank you all!

Thank You Lord for giving Elizabeth the strength and courage, and especially the wisdom as she chooses to follow what You have spoken to her heart, oh Lord. I pray for Your guidance and that You give her the words to speak, and that you give her strength to not be overcome by emotions. We also pray for her boyfriend, Lord, that You reveal Yourself to him and that you prepare his heart for this. You love them both, and You have a purpose and a plan for their lives. We lift these two beautiful souls to You, Lord. Bless them we pray, in Jesus' Name. Amen.

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

Please pray for me in my next step of breaking up. It is going to be extremely difficult to end this since it was my first real relationship and it's been a year and three months.

Ouch... well, if he is a "good guy," he should respect your decision. Good for you for not compromising your values in spite of how you feel about him.

And welcome to the site! I hope things go over well.

 

[Sweet_]

I advice you end up the relationship with your boyfriend immediately.This life-entertainment,beauty,youth,relationships all are fleeting.Nothing is more important than eternality.A true Christian is called out to be holy and follow the Christ whatever the cost.If your boyfriend make you stumble,cut him off.Jesus is infinitely worthy of your true heart.If you are a child of King,nothing in this world can satistify you.Don't love this world that is condemned.I often think that everyday there are people die and go to hell.Thank God He give me opportunity to learn his gospel.Thank him he give me repentance and knoweledge of Himself.I am more blessed than men here 200 years when there was no missionary and no Bible.If I lose Him and end up in hell,it will only be my fault.
If you were a true believer,you have to keep believing and repenting all your life.God is forgiving,God is just,God is holy.The sign of true and saving faith is becoming like Him,not become like all the other people around. If I were you,I would come to Him sincerely tonight and kneel and cry out for forgivness and help.If you doubt your salvation,cry out to Him.Keep reading and studying Bible on a daily basis.Remember God said,"My people perish for lack of knowledge.""Knowing the one true God and the Christ He has sent is eternal life."Knowing God's word leads to life,Ignoring God's word lead to death.

 

[Funrider]

Up until a couple of years ago, I was very strong in my faith. Then, it started to dwindle (stopped praying before bed, didn't go to church as much, not including God in my life etc), but I still felt very strongly about some of the "rules" of Christianity. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, no drinking in excess, stuff like that I was still following, just my relationship with God was cruddy.

Christianity isn't about rules. It's about Jesus. Jesus came not to abolish the rules, but to fulfill them. Through Jesus, people are made right. Your relationship with God is cruddy because, like me and others, you've tried to live to please God, and he just didn't care to help. REAL LIFE set it. REALITY manifested itself, and showed, to you, and myself, and others, that God isn't a genie in a bottle that's going to take care of you or me, or help you find a boyfriend (or me a girlfriend/wife), or anyone to find relief.

That being clarified, how do you find out who's right for the life God gave you? Let's see.

A little over a year ago I started dating this guy. Very great guy. Treats me well and everything. He claims Christianity as his religion as well. Before we even started dating, he knew that I didn't want to have sex before marriage. When we started dating he was a virgin as well but he was divided on the issue of sex before marriage. Long story, short, we ended up having sex. It bothered me at first a little but I always brushed it off. A couple of months ago, I felt a conviction to reignite my relationship with God, so of course, that meant to repent of my sexual sin. I talked to my boyfriend about it. I told him that I didn't want to do those things anymore and I told him why. He said, "You sound like a Bible Thumper." He also argued that I had "made a big important decision about our relationship without consulting him first." And said that it'd be like if he moved in with me without asking me first. In the end he did accept it, but he doesn't like it

I hope you understand men seek sex with women. That's just the reality of it. Any man who says he doesn't want sex is either unable to get it, sexually confused, or weak of resolve.

Sex unites people together. It brings a man and woman closer in their relationship, magnifying their love. God intended it to be a gift, a unification of marriage, a way to honor God in the union of husband and wife (not technically boyfriend/girlfriend). Please understand, we live in a crazy society that is trying to promote sex on everyone's presence. "No sex, you're a loser", etc, etc... . Now, understand, if you dont have sex when society wants you to do it, it in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM affects your worth as a human being created by God. It's a social thing, and often, in your case, it's a personal decision to make it special.

But you did have sex. And it was good. And now he's mad because HE...PERCEIVES (He is the faulty party here)...that you're a rigid 'bible-thumping' prude (which you are NOT). Understand it's his FLESH OF THE WORLD side that is making you feel guilty. Deep inside, he probably does care about you, but as ALL MEN are (including myself)...when we have sex, we want MORE sex. It's a biological thing, not a personal one. The test for you is, can you do YOUR part to make the relationship work without him being a hungry beast for you? (Hint: It's up to him too. If he cant hack it, perhaps a new man is in order, who will RESPECT your wishes. A REAL MAN...respects his lady's feelings, thoughts, and desires, and VICE VERSA. It's Compromise).

This has been eating at me for weeks now. I think I need to break up with him. After reflection, I realize that although he may claim to be a Christian, he doesn't live it. Doesn't go to church, drinks a lot, and never goes to church. He seems to only use it to justify conservative views. He doesn't understand why I'm making all these changes in my life. He's asked on more than one occasion "What happened to make you want to change?" But it wasn't in an "I'm proud of you" way it was more like "What are you thinking?!"

Let me be perfectly frank on something. NO ONE WHO'S A BREATHING, HUMAN BEING, WHETHER THEY ACCEPT JESUS OR NOT, IS A PERFECT CHRISTIAN. If one IS saved in Christ, they still sin, but they have someone who died for their sinful nature, and allows them to always get back up and move to repentance. Those who don't have Jesus, still sin, but they dont gain forgiveness in Christ. Let me also be frank...YOU may not live like a proper Christian at times either. This isn't a judgement call; same goes for me and everyone reading this. WE ARE HUMAN. We were ALL born into sin. We get weak at times. It's the human existence. In Jesus, we gain forgivness through him. Without him, we're in trouble.

Now, if you're trying to help him, and he's brushing you off/ignorning you/verbally berating you, perhaps he cant be helped. Do not let a weak boyish child ruin your desire to be a loving woman. If you want to change, and he doesn't, CUT HIM LOOSE. Now, yes, it's never easy. Feelings are there. Emotions, memories, sentiments...

Do you want to win, or be held back by a loser? Listen, Jesus tells us to forgive others, but at the same time, you need to protect yourself from people who CHOOSE to be losers. You deserve better, and out there, is a Godly man, who has given ALL to Jesus, who is winning in life, and looking for his lovely lady. Dont let losers poison you. You just might have to muster up the internal courage to DROP HIM LIKE 3RD PERIOD CALCULUS. Literally, get rid of him if he's being a punk.

I still care about him, and he's a good guy, but can I have a good relationship with somebody who simply doesn't understand my desire to have a relationship with Christ? Who thinks of me as a "Bible Thumper" for it? Who I can't have deep, thought provoking conversations with God about?

The thing is, hon, you WANT him to change. HE HAS TO DECIDE THAT. He wont. You're not a bad person for wanting a relationship with Christ. He isn't there yet. If the relationship continues, he will poison you. If he's not for God, he will jeopardize your life, your relationship with Christ, and your future.

It's hard to emotionally sever a connection with someone you've had feelings for. I know. Take your time with it, and make sure it's the right decision. I'm sure he's a good guy at heart, but you need to make an executive decision now. Do you have faith he'll pull through, or do you get rid of him. Seek some more guidance. For me, I know guys like him. He sounds like the typical guy who doesn't understand women. Always give a chance, but if you TRULY feel he isn't the one, drop him. PRAY ON IT, and seek God's counsel, but in the end, do what is best for YOU, if you cant help HIM.

 

[Love4GodLove4Music]

Well by now you Got A lot of outside feedback (the once i read were great advised) i just will like to add this one piece as i too become puzzle with some man that claim Christianity. I where i live almost everyone is a 'Christian' but are they 'BORN AGAIN BELIEVERS' 'GOD FEARING?"who seek to have a RELATIONSHIP with God?

And lastly "i think God has already spoken to your spirit; obey that small still Voice within"

 

[Nuns_n_roses]

Any man who will not support your strongly held morals does not deserve you.

My boyfriend has never once made me feel bad when I say no and respects me. This man does not seem to be your friend or spiritual uplifter. Those are both needed in a relationship.

Get out of the relationship and you will find someone who values you and sees you as a daughter of God... a woman of worth and beauty. He will still want sex LoL most people do. But he will never pressure you or make you feel bad for your decision to wait

 

[Funrider]

So, what's going on with him? Share