Distraught over abused teen

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christianhope

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Hello all. I'm looking for feedback here. There is a teen from my church that has been verbally and emotionally abused by his mother for many years and sought me for help. I've been there for this teen and guided him biblically as much as possible. When he turned 18, he left home and he his doing ok.

i went to my pastor months ago about my concern, and he advised me that i should not get mixed up in domestic issues and leave the family alone. my pastor advised that he is likely a selfish teenager that wanted his way. After spending time with the family, I learned there was validity to the abuse even tough it's nature didn't warrant a call to authorities.

My pastor advised me to love, support and pray for him and his family. Well I did just that, but I didn't not discourage him from leaving home as long as he got his stuff together and now I'm in the middle of this drama because I was there for this young man. Again, I have been advised not to counsel or help this young man. I've learned that the pastor advised me the way he did because the family is slanderous and he knew it would negatively affect my family. That's great and all, but I do not believe that is right.

I have sought scripture numerous times on this matter, and I do not feel that supporting this young man as he moves out of his abusive home was the wrong thing to do. As a matter of fact, I do not understand the pastors reason for not supporting the young man himself. The young man went to the pastor as well, and the pastor wouldn't give him the time of day.

any biblical direction would be appreciated here. I still want to support this young man, but I've been point blank told that I shouldn't. My faith and my heart tells me differently.
 
I had this in mind while reading what you wrote:

Colossians 3:15

"And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which you were also called in one body; be thankful."

I also find it odd that your pastor didn't give mind to the situation at all. This may just be me, but it almost sounds like he's concerned about reputation more than the kid. I think you did the right thing by helping him out.
 
Thank you Kyouken01. I appreciate the kind word. I'm the type that if I'm wrong, I want to be told I'm wrong as I have prayed many times over this circumstance. Like you, i do believe that the right thing was done. This circumstance was God led without a doubt, even though my pastor feels differently. I still have yet to get him to support that with scripture. I don't think the pastor is concerned with reputation maybe..moreso, the effects of the satanical attack on myself and the possible division of the church here. The church isn't taken a stance on this as to be divided, but I believe the pastor knows that sides are taken..the mother does attend our church.

Nonetheless, I like Colassians 3:15.."And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

This was scripture was very much a part of this mentorship.

Thank you!
 
Sounds like your pastor is more concerned about some type of religious politics than caring for people. Going by this single example, he sounds like a sad excuse for a pastor. I say do what God seems to be guiding your heart to, helping those in need. And even if you do suffer somehow, because of the family, so what? Show me in the bible where suffering for God, and doing God's will, and helping others is something we're supposed to avoid. Jesus was even persecuted for helping others. Follow his example.
 
I think putting the family on a prayer list is a very good start.
If you think the young man is up to it...
Give him the book "The Bondage Breaker" Neil T Anderson
I will pray too.
May God remove every unjust word ever spoken to him...
and may God guard his heart and mind in Christ Jesus now and forever, Amen

Matt 12:37
for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”
 
What a beautiful friend you are. Being there for a person who mentally and spiritually needs your help. If I was in this situation , I would do exactly the same thing. You don't have to be involved with his family, you are just being there for him. Big difference. If I were both of you , start looking elsewhere for another church. No Priest or Pastor will turn away from a needy person. Shame on him.
 
I don't have any biblical referance for you, but I have been around abuse of all kinds for a loooong time, and please do NOT give up on him. since you have seen validity of his claims to abuse, you are probably the only one helping him right now. Victims tend to not have manyh people hlep them especially when the abusers are slanderous or have a high standing, or can ruin reputations (and usually they are smart enough to know how). It makes my heart sick that your pastor is not helping and TOLD you not to help.....If there is another church I suggest going to it, or maybe having a talk with your pastor about how christians are supose tohelp those in need, and he is supposed to be a kind of good example for new christians, and his congregation?......I am so sorry for your friend and hope he is doing okay, I will pray for him
 
Yeah, pastors sometimes get their priorities confused :(

Are you married? If so, it would be nice if your husband also interacted with the teen. Or maybe another mature Christian male could help you? Or even another female.

I don't want to be pessimistic, but having one other person helping you might be a good idea...to serve as backup and also as a witness.

Bless you for helping him!
 
Kyouken01 said:
I had this in mind while reading what you wrote:

Colossians 3:15

"And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which you were also called in one body; be thankful."

I also find it odd that your pastor didn't give mind to the situation at all. This may just be me, but it almost sounds like he's concerned about reputation more than the kid. I think you did the right thing by helping him out.
Click to expand...

^^^THIS!!^^^ Amen Kyouken!
 
your pastor adviced you not to help him and thats wrong, you should help people when u can im sure that even your religion says so. if he is a priest, pastor whatever it doesnt mean that he is right. well done youve done the right thing helping the boy, do what your heart says not what whatever pòeople tell u to. roxy.
 
thank you all for the encouraging words. I really do appreciate them. I was really to the point where I thought that helping this teen was wrong, hence why I was looking for the feedback.

I started a ministry at my church this last year..and my pastor continues to tell me that I am not only a leader when it comes to ministry but to those families around me. I realize there is a calling here. What I find humerous is the fact he tells me that I'm going to do well at leadership..if I follow my p's and q's. Through this experience I have realized ministry, even when politics is involved is always biblically based, as has been this experience. I really liked "UGLY" 's comment about Jesus helping others and being persecuted for it. That's exactly right! I just didn't think of this circumstance from this point of view. I realize now, this is what I've done. Jesus gave the example and I followed it.

With that being said, I know now, I will continue to help this young man, teach him and let him grow into his faith and into the strong man he needs to become, even if that means taking hits from satan himself. Satan has no power over me regardless of the form he appears in. As for the church, time will tell how they really feel about this young man and his situation. Maybe my pastor made a mistake and I won't be the judge here, but I realize what my role is and what I need to do. Please keep myself, the young man, and our church in your prayers! Thank you!
 
ok, so I have one other thought about this circumstance. I hope someone can shed some light here. The pastor said to me..that the young man would be running from his problems. He should suck it up and deal with the situation the way Jesus did. I agree with following Jesus' example, but I'm not exactly sure if this is out of context or not. I mean help the teen, follow Jesus' example, and make him suck it up..and follow Jesus' example. I'm not clear here. Any insight. Thank you
 
christianhope said:
ok, so I have one other thought about this circumstance. I hope someone can shed some light here. The pastor said to me..that the young man would be running from his problems. He should suck it up and deal with the situation the way Jesus did. I agree with following Jesus' example, but I'm not exactly sure if this is out of context or not. I mean help the teen, follow Jesus' example, and make him suck it up..and follow Jesus' example. I'm not clear here. Any insight. Thank you
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That doesn't sound like a very 'pastorly' thing to say. What does he mean 'suck it up' ? I can understand your confusion with that statement.

I doubt a teen with a rough past has much of an idea of what a Christ-like attitude is. Teaching, patience, and understanding will go a long way in helping the young man. Expecting him to immediately start acting like Christ is rather unrealistic :( .
 
I think this young man needs the tools that God has to offer...
And then he can suck it up.
This young man needs to know his identity in Christ...
So he can let go of the identity his parents gave him.
You can find lists on line and print it off and give it to this young man.
(Verses that tell us who we are as Children of God.)

I will pray too. :) :) :)

Tell that to your pastor...and let him chew on it for awhile.
 
An update here. So in the past few months. This young man has gotten a job, is doing well in school (honor roll), is learning how to drive (takes his driver test in December) and is in counseling. He seems to be doing well through the continued support of my family.

However, I have now sought counsel from another pastor who has reiterated everything that has been mentioned here. I am seeking another church, getting ready to walk away from a ministry, and I'm getting ready to lose dear church family. My stance with supporting this young man has not changed. The slander in the church from this has affected every relationship and my ministry. I have even been told that it's the young man or "them" from people that are very dear to me. Satan has so attacked here and I have been given no choice but to walk away from a church and everything I've worked for here because my steadfastness to the bible rises above a satanical group of people that call themselves ministry. The pastor even had the audicity to tell the young man that everything was his fault, but yet my entire church family has been sucked into the Mother's lies and manipulation and some people just can't deal.

I'm distraught, but I'm going to press forward as I know that what I'm doing here is right and is God led. Leadership for me, yes, just not here with a church that can't get involved in personal matters and hold others accountable for junk.

As I make decisions here. is there any reason, I shouldn't walk away from this church and ministry. Should I have let this young man tough it out on his own?
 
I think it's hard for people who grow up in happy Christian homes to imagine that there are others who live in fear and dred from disfunction, abuse, and hate in their homes. I'm sure that teen had a hard time sharing something as painful and embarrassing as that with anyone. In my experience, the worst abuses are not reported to anyone because of the shame. In my opinion, it is not wrong to prayerfully help in any way you can. Sometimes we have to make tough choices as Christians..I can't' imagine burying my head in the sand over such an issue.
I'm glad it was you who showed compassion when it was needed. God bless you for that.
 
I would not hang around people who put their own comfort before another in need. God wants us to enjoy fellowship so He will lead you to the right place to worship!!

Also, amazing!! Thank you for sacrificing to help another person out! Don't worry, God knows the hearts of everyone involved. He will take care of things for you, you are not alone!

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned,[a] but have not love, it profits me nothing.

4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part. 10 But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.

11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians

God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear,
Even though the earth be removed,
And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;
3 Though its waters roar and be troubled,
Though the mountains shake with its swelling.
Psalm 46
 
Christianhope--God bless you for opening your heart and caring for someone who is experiencing the heart of Jesus through you.

The one thing I would like to caution is to always be sure this young man brings you proof of what he's accomplishing. I have been involved in and seen similar situations as you have described, and in some cases, the reason the person was being advised not to help someone was because of legal/and or substance abuse problems/issues of confidentiality that went unspoken. I had two incidences in which I was advised not to aid certain people and later found out it was because of drugs/alcohol... the persons receiving the help would say they were doing X but were actually using the help they were given for the wrong things. They would say they were going to school or certain programs... I even attended program meetings with one person a few times... but in reality, the wrong choices were being made.

God convicted me of enabling, not helping, and then further convicted me of hanging on to pride (thinking I knew better and that others were just being cold-hearted) and while this may NOT be your situation at all, I hate seeing good people get hurt. I'm not sure if this will work for you but if you want to continue to help this person, I would definitely suggest finding a support group to back you, as the Bible says there is safety in a multitude of counselors (which I did not have, and found myself making the wrong choices, even if they started out well-intended.)
 
christianhope said:
An update here. So in the past few months. This young man has gotten a job, is doing well in school (honor roll), is learning how to drive (takes his driver test in December) and is in counseling. He seems to be doing well through the continued support of my family.

However, I have now sought counsel from another pastor who has reiterated everything that has been mentioned here. I am seeking another church, getting ready to walk away from a ministry, and I'm getting ready to lose dear church family. My stance with supporting this young man has not changed. The slander in the church from this has affected every relationship and my ministry. I have even been told that it's the young man or "them" from people that are very dear to me. Satan has so attacked here and I have been given no choice but to walk away from a church and everything I've worked for here because my steadfastness to the bible rises above a satanical group of people that call themselves ministry. The pastor even had the audicity to tell the young man that everything was his fault, but yet my entire church family has been sucked into the Mother's lies and manipulation and some people just can't deal.

I'm distraught, but I'm going to press forward as I know that what I'm doing here is right and is God led. Leadership for me, yes, just not here with a church that can't get involved in personal matters and hold others accountable for junk.

As I make decisions here. is there any reason, I shouldn't walk away from this church and ministry. Should I have let this young man tough it out on his own?
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Amazing how Christians will turn on 1 so fast just because they dont believe ur doing the right thing. U seem 2 be being led by the Holy Spirit 2 do the right thing. Unfortunally sure seems like compassion, LOVE, understanding, are no longer Christian values. Keep doing GOOD no matter what poepl say. God lead you in peace and rightouness sister. Will keep you in my prayers
 
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