Do You Set Standards For a Significant Other that You Don't Meet?

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seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
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Hey everyone,

As I've written about before, I am currently on two Christian dating sites (who am I kidding... I've been on both sites for two years and no Ultra Dream Match yet!) A few days ago, I read a profile that really got me going.

This guy was in the age range of 36-40, and among his very long list of "requirements" were that his future wife MUST: be a virgin, must have finished college, must be free of all debts, must have a certain amount of money saved for their wedding and marriage ($100,000 was the exact figure he named... he said that if she'd saved anything less, he would expect that she would be someone who avoided all "frivolous" purchases such as entertainment or travel--everything must be saved for the marriage and/or "Godly things", as he saw travel and the arts as being a waste of money), and, what caught my eye in particular, was that she MUST be someone who was slender and fit, someone who was dedicated to "caring for her temple, not covering it up in wasteful purchases" such as fancy clothes and jewelry.

I understand that people have their own values and opinions. I understand that we all have personal preferences.

But you know what cracked me up about this guy's wild rant about his future wife needing to be someone who "cares for her temple"? He had only one photo in his profile... and in his picture, he has a very pronounced, very obvious double chin. I was thoroughly amused that he seemed completely blind to the fact that his own "temple" needed a bit of polishing.

Now yes, I realize the area under the chin isn't something you can Zumba away. But in this guy's headshot (and it's curious to me that he doesn't show any other pictures, such as a full-body shot) it is clear to see that he is not the fit and slender person that he is demanding to meet.

Whenever I see lists of "requirements" that border on demands, I always wonder if the person demanding them meets any of the requirements themselves. Is it so wrong to expect that someone with such a specific list of demands will in fact qualify for these things themselves before demanding them from anyone else??? (Or have the planks in our eyes all grown a little bigger...)

I try to keep my own "list" down to things I actually qualify for myself--does this seem unrealistic? (I can admit to two things on my list I don't meet--1. the person I'm looking for has to be a male, and last time I checked, I don't qualify for that one. Hopefully that's not too demanding. 2. I'm hoping he'll be strong in my areas of my weakness as far as faith and life skills go so that we balance each other out.)

Have you encountered situations in which a person demanded things in other people that they had no intention of following or meeting for themselves? While I completely understand wanting to marry a virgin, I always have to shake my head at the number of non-virgins who are demanding to marry virgins. It seems a little ironic to me... but to each their own.

Should we be allowed to look for the things in other people that we are exempt from? If we are someone who needs to lose 20 pounds, it is fair of us to expect we're going to marry someone who's in perfect shape?

I realize there are always exceptions. But what kinds of exceptions should be allowed?
 
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This is one of the big reasons I gave up on dating websites, profile surfing is about the most depressing thing a person can do!

I remember reading many profiles of women around my age who had the demands (keep in mind the dire econominc situation of the past years) that to be 'considered' the guy contacting them should be able to show some form of completed higher education, an upwardly mobile career and some form of homeownership, like you I respect that they know what they want and are honest about it, but I could never stop myself thinking 'do you own your own house?' and the answer likely being no or it wouldn't be essential that I own mine!

In general I think it's wrong to demand qualities and achievements in others that we don't meet, certain expectations run toward each gender and that's fair, but as far as physical condition goes, well it's not really fair, or wise, to require a level of physical health and fitness you don't meet, mainly because how you will keep up on the weekly jog to 'maintain your temple?' :p
 
seoulsearch said:
I try to keep my own "list" down to things I actually qualify for myself--does this seem unrealistic? (I can admit to two things on my list I don't meet--1. the person I'm looking for has to be a male, and last time I checked, I don't qualify for that one. Hopefully that's not too demanding. 2. I'm hoping he'll be strong in my areas of my weakness as far as faith and life skills go so that we balance each other out.)
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I do the same thing. I definitely don't think it's unrealistic. I don't think what you said following that is either.
 
Should we be allowed to look for the things in other people that we are exempt from? If we are someone who needs to lose 20 pounds, it is fair of us to expect we're going to marry someone who's in perfect shape?
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I think we are allowed to look for whatever we deem necessary..I guess. Now whether or not our standards are too high is another question altogether. I have also been a member of various Christian Dating sites..and I noticed the same issues as you.. Hordes of old, fat men demanding beautiful, thin virgins. Demand away, I say. How many young, thin, beautiful virgins desire to meet an old, fat man? After a few years they'll discover that no one responds to their ads.

I find that most people tend to have high standards... Nothing wrong with that. The older I get, the less picky(?) I seem to be...though I still have high standards for a person's faith and walk with God. The outer-covering doesn't matter as much to me anymore, I guess. I think this attitude is rather the exception, though.

On an unrelated side note: I could NEVER marry someone who felt that "the arts" were frivolous and/or a waste of money. Not that I seek out entertainment venues to excess.. but a nice play/musical/symphony/opera every once in a while never hurt anyone. ;)
 
Maybe I'm just a wierdo, but so many of the lists I read and expectations people have of one another is just silliness sometimes. I can't help but think that a lot of people are still single because they missed out on someone who might have been absolutely perfect for them if they had been paying more attention to the PERSON rather than the list.

But, no, I absolutely do not believe it's reasonable to place higher expectations on someone else than on oneself. That's just plain goofy.
 
Do I set standards for a significant other that I don't meet?

'Course not, silly , we've never MET :D
 
zeroturbulence said:
I see you've found my ad, Kim!
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WHOA!!!! I was totally going to pass that ad by... BUT, if it's YOU, Gabe, I will so totally have to reconsider. Just as soon as I lose 20 pounds and am sure to save up a hundred million dollars so that I'm good enough to talk to you :)

(Also wanted to say I completely agree with Bridget--anyone who thinks the arts and travel are a waste of money would be sorely disappointed in me. I consider them necessary to life... even if it's just to a place down the street. I thoroughly believe God teaches us things through the arts--after all, He purposely told Jeremiah to go down to the local potter because God had some things to show him through the potter's works.)

I wanted to write the guy and say, "Seriously? If I had a $100,000 saved up, you can be sure I'd be do a lot better with it than marry the likes of someone like you..." (Sorry, not very Christian, I know. I slip sometimes. Actually, a lot.)
 
I think maturity and grace go a long way. Maturity doesn't necessarily have to be age related. Grace correlates to humility and understanding that Pride is not a part of Love.


As Christians we *SHOULD* know this but, I can see where it could be confusing. ;)

I think that lists and rules are an interesting thing. Because they really assume that someone sees the world and values things the same way that the listmaker does. And the person comes from the same socio-economic situation and has the same background and expectations, even if they are unequal.

Contrary to what other threads would have you believe there is no objectivity, especially concerning being single and stuff. What is good for Hosea is not Good for David and vice versa.
 
Love can certainly have a powerful effect upon both our maturity and objectivity, especially if it isn't the right kind of love. The purest of loves is not self-seeking and does not promote itself upon the flaws and perceived failings of others, as this sort of thing would suggest. I doubt that people who make the sort of lists that Kim describes have the vaguest concept of that type of love.
 
I keep my list in the land of generalities. This is just plain insane. Especially since he's 36-40 and expects the woman he marries to be a virgin.
 
I've kept my "list" to just being compatible in all areas...spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, physically, financially...and always striving to better oneself in all those areas. That's what I require of myself, so I think it's fair to ask it of the person I'm to spend my life with. :) (and as "fair" as it is....14 years later...I'm STILL single! lol)
 
Maybe my issue with the list thing is that God has always surpassed anything I would have put on my list in the love department. I dunno.... He knows me better than I do...what I need and DON'T need (which is FAR more important to me much of the time). I don't want to put any limitations on Him. If I'd stuck to my own expectations, I would have missed out on some amazing guys and would probably have been bitterly disappointed with my own choices.
 
It just occurred to me that those guys’ lists DID serve one very useful purpose: As red flags that protected Kim from wasting her time on someone clearly unworthy her. Maybe they’re not so bad after all. :D
 
I believe we are not in a position to SET the standards but as a husband or wife looking for a partner it is good to LOOK for someone with those standards. However, once we marry this person we should stop EXPECTING from them and instead start FOCUSING on ourselves and being the best we can be in the relationship.

As it is written, 'Seek you first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added onto you' - If you want marital happiness and you are first seeking to be as Christ would be then that is as good as can be expected and even if it doesn't result in the outcome wanted, you are doing what is right by God. Just as we do not do things right by him and he forgives us, we must also forgive our partners.
 


That's hilarious Seoul and kinda' sad. Considering how demanding and overbearing he sounds in his brief ad, could you imagine what he's like in real life? I'm kinda' curious to know if the guy is actually involved in ministry.

 
Hmmm...I don't know that I agree with NOT having something that we're looking for. The word says that God will give us the desires of our hearts. How can He do that if we just say "God...give me whatever." I'm not talking about being superficial...but He created us...and he gaves us likes and dislikes, weaknesses and strengths. It's true He knows us...but, we're told that we don't have have because we know not how to ask. Nothing wrong with layin' it out there. :) (and there's also such a thing as being completely unrealistic in our "wants". Marc Driscoll talks about some women being so picky that if Jesus himself walked into the room, they'd be like, "eh...I don't like facial hair." lol) ;)
 
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