Family Dynamics

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hoss2576

hoss2576

Senior Member
May 10, 2014
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Sitting in a meeting this morning, the topic of family dynamics came up. It wasn't even about the relationship of parent and young child, but it was about the interaction and relationships of adults, their adult siblings, and their parents. One person made the statement that those relationships are not significant, especially once you have your own family. Another shared that whereas he valued his family as an adult, he had to sever the relationships with them due to the emotional damage it was causing him. We were working on establishing a support and education group for grandparents who were raising their grandchildren, sadly a rising trend.

I will be the first to say I come from a very dysfunctional family, and it has been that way for nearly thirty years. Even with every emotionally crushing event that happens, I still hold out hope that there will be some type of family healing. For emotional safety I do keep some family members at arm's length, but I am receptive to improving the relationships.

So here are my questions, how do you view your adult family relationships and their significance? If you do come from a horribly dysfunctional family, how have you handled your family dynamics? Does there actually ever come a point where you do need to sever those relationships?
 
I am very close with my 3 siblings. My older brother has made some less than spiritual life choices here lately but we are still close... I also count my brother in law and soon to be ex sister in law as siblings to me and we are close as well. I have a very good relationship with my parents as well. I'm a very blessed individual.
 
I don't think I have a horse in this race because you specified dysfunctional families. My family is rather tight. They're all about as nuts as I am, but in a good way. And we love each other's company. We're always looking for an excuse to have a family dinner or something.

That's my father's side... my mother's side is just plain weird. But we never see them so it doesn't really affect us.

But yeah, you're not gonna get me away from my family. Usually if a member of our family is getting serious with a member of the opposite gender he brings her (or she brings him) around to a family dinner to see how he'll fit in. We're pretty easy to fit in with - just be nutty as a fruitcake. :D And if you marry a member of our family, you've married into the family. You're one of us now. You'll get dragged into a lot of family fun stuff, but you will not take him or her away from our family. Just give it up.
 
Although I have a wonderful family, I've always been around people from very dysfunctional families. I believe in setting necessary boundaries, even though they can be painful.

I know that some people feel they can't shut a relative out of their life due to their Christian faith, and I can empathize with that. But I do think that it if means the person will come to harm, or, especially if harm will come to any children involved, it may be necessary to cut some ties and be very firm in what limitations you set.

The guys I dated often came from families with lots of problems. I was with on in particular for many years and walked about how if we got married and had children, certain boundaries would be set (as in, certain family members would not be allowed to watch our kids or be alone with them.) It may sound extreme or "unloving" but it can be necessary. (For example, would you allow your untreated, bipolar mother to babysit your kids if you knew she was prone to abusive or neglectful behavior? Especially if her own children, now adults, still had scars on their own bodies from her spells?)

Being adopted, I've never adhered to the old saying, "Blood is thicker than water." The people who gave me the water to ensure my survival were never my own blood.

One of my most serious relationships ended in part because the person I was seeing refused to stand up to a controlling and manipulative parent. If he chose to live that way, I couldn't stop him. But just because he lived under that parent's iron fist didn't mean I had to as well.
 
I just typed out a very long and probably too-detailed response to this, and ended up in tears. I'm starting over.

This really hits home for me, because lately I feel like my family is falling apart. I have had to build up walls between me and my mom to protect myself, and even that doesn't work because she seems particularly skilled at hitting me where it hurts. My dad and my brother seem to just be sick of this family, mostly because of my mom, so they seem to have built up walls to keep out everyone... including me. This hurts me even more than my mom's harshness, because I have always been so close to them and now I feel unloved and unwanted.

I'm getting married in the relatively near future and I have thought about how things will change after marriage. My most important human relationship will be with my husband, not my parents and brother. I have actually considered that my life might be happier and most peaceful if I essentially severed all my family relationships after I get married, but I can't bring myself to do it, because like you, I cling to the hope that there will someday be healing. I don't know what the 'turning point' is for deciding when it's necessary to sever those ties. I don't know if I've reached it yet or if I'm just being stubborn. All I know is I can't wait to have my own family, because mine hurts me too much right now.
 
In my family. We are all introverts. Everyone is on an island to their own. I have two brothers who I only see at gatherings, we're not close. My mom is the main person that brings us all together.

My parents are together. But my mom has always been at the forefront of the family. My dad has been getting better recently at getting closer emotionally. He's been on antidepressants and it's helped a lot with his depression and outlook. My older brother whom I describe is similar to Eminem with the anger. Never understood that. He is also now on antidepressants because of drama with money, my nieces mother, needing a place to live, he was very close to a nervous breakdown I think. He is more approachable now. Less likely to fly into a temper. He's calmer. My little brother is quiet, doesn't let much of us in, except my mom. He is a pretty happy guy sometimes. We use to be close. Then I moved out of the house but he was young and he took it as a betrayal, I think. Left him with my older brother. The peacekeeper was no longer there I guess.

Then there is me.
 
Add in: I thought this kind of funny. My niece was hugging my big brother and I jokingly hugged him too. So he was in this hug sandwich. Whatever. I dunno how to describe it. Ugh. So cheesy. Anyways, without his meds, he would have shoved me down on the floor if I attempted to that, sworn at me, and gave me a death stare. This was this past year that I hugged him, he didn't hug back or anything- but atleast I didn't get beaten because of it lol. Before that, the last time was probably when we were really little and were made to.
 
Loveneverfails, my heart goes out to you. You are in such a difficult situation and thank you for sharing so much of your struggles with us. Love you sister. <3


My family knows that I care the most about keeping us as a family, but reality is that we are slowly drifting apart and I can only pray for restoration. Like you hoss, I believe God has promised restoration for my immediate family, but I do not know if that will happen here on earth though.

My mom is the boss... And she is very negative and nags almost every chance she gets. It's difficult to satisfy her by any means and she does not take correction well. My brother calls her self righteous... I just think she is seeking too much earthly comforts instead of storing her treasures in heaven. My dad is compassionate but has his weaknesses too. He does not strive much to be the man of the house and is finally trying... 26 years later lol. Thus, my brother does not look up to my dad and is emotionally rebellious. My brother has done well in closing himself off from us. One of my sisters is living the sinful lifestyle I use to live and lives away from us, so all I can do is pray for her. My other sister is just fine :). But just lacks the drive to be actively seeking God.

We grew up close, esp us kids... Then somehow , not even sure, we all started becoming our own person and drifted apart. My biggest hope is that they find peace and joy in God one day. I want them to feel and experience the love I have felt. We all grew up Christian but a few are questioning if they are still christian or not.

I use to have relatives that I was close to but they only used me and I was very hurt in the process. So basically I severed our close relationships. I only see them at family gatherings and we are polite to each other but that is it. We acknowledge that we use to be close but are now on different paths.

The hardest thing, for me, especially with my mom, is learning to forgive someone over and over and over and over again and trying to learn how to love her. It hurts a lot sometimes... Definitely does... But you are so much more at peace on the inside. It is definitely a worthwhile process to go thru.
 
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