Feeling better or being better?

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hoss2576

hoss2576

Senior Member
May 10, 2014
552
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When someone is distraught or is feeling down, which is more important; helping the person FEEL better or helping the person BE better?

There are times when I read posts and admittedly cringe at it. It is not that I don't think everyone needs encouragement, but encouragement can really only be temporary and a band aid if the situation doesn't improve.

It is one thing to validate how someone is feeling, but should validation be more important than helping the person improve? Suggesting how someone can improve a situation isn't always rosy or even positive, but it can bring about positive change.

So what is more valuable, validation without a means to improving the situation or maybe harsh advice that might solve the problem or bring about change?
 
I prefer that people give Bible verses to help me. In doing such they are both helping me feel better and giving me the tools I need to be a better person.
 
I think both are valid. Sometimes people are just having a rough day and need encouragement. Or perhaps God uses someones encouragement to get the hurting person to survive through until the person He has set aside to help them comes around. Though, ultimately people should do more than simply encourage. But sometimes that's all a person has time for or even within themselves at that moment.
But i see the majority of people as 'encouragers' and not interested in going any deeper.
 
It's very circumstantial. Sometimes the person grows on their own, they only need a comforting presence, an ear, a shoulder, etc. Other times a person may be seeking counsel or wisdom. In either case, one thing I've learned to avoid is telling people "I'm sorry," when they are unloading. I find that, even if it's coming from a good place, it's really only said to make yourself feel better.
 
Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path.

(Galatians 6:1 NLT)
 
Personally I seem to be a semi-pro listener. When people talk out their problems I just listen. Usually they solve their own problems with little input from me... and then thank me for my great advice. =^.^=

So I can't really say it's better to make them feel better or be better. Usually they know what they need to do and just need to put the solution in their own faces where they can't ignore it.

Did that make any sense at all?
 
Lynx said:
Personally I seem to be a semi-pro listener. When people talk out their problems I just listen. Usually they solve their own problems with little input from me... and then thank me for my great advice. =^.^=

So I can't really say it's better to make them feel better or be better. Usually they know what they need to do and just need to put the solution in their own faces where they can't ignore it.

Did that make any sense at all?
Click to expand...

Was that kitty listening or were you just curled up on the rug sleeping? Either way I figured it out on my own....thanks.
 
Lynx don't sleep when a human is in the area. They watch to make sure you don't come near their tree. They may be so still that they look like they are sleeping though.
 
I honestly think there needs to be a balance. If the person is completely hysterical, then feeling better is what you need to focus on. Not pushing to make them feel better no matter what, but calm then down a bit. And if they're willing to hear it, give them truth in small doses.
 
I have a sensitive heart, yet I know that having someone help me to be a better person is more vital for success. I think it all depends on what it is about. If it is about a loved one passing away, I think it is more important to make them feel better. To help them be a better person is better when that person obviously did something wrong or when the shock of the incident wears off. I usually ask them to pray for me and continue to love and support me through that time.
 
It really depends on the situation.

If someone is grieving over a personal loss, what is most required then is a hug and a shoulder to cry on. But if the same person continues to brood over it even after months have passed, then they need a swift kick to help them come out of it. In the former situation, I would say we must help them feel better and in the latter situation we must help them to be better.
 
hoss2576 said:
When someone is distraught or is feeling down, which is more important; helping the person FEEL better or helping the person BE better?

There are times when I read posts and admittedly cringe at it. It is not that I don't think everyone needs encouragement, but encouragement can really only be temporary and a band aid if the situation doesn't improve.

It is one thing to validate how someone is feeling, but should validation be more important than helping the person improve? Suggesting how someone can improve a situation isn't always rosy or even positive, but it can bring about positive change.

So what is more valuable, validation without a means to improving the situation or maybe harsh advice that might solve the problem or bring about change?
Click to expand...

This is a good question. I think both are required. Often, compassion is what opens someone up to receive advice.

Compassion without wisdom is crippled. Wisdom without compassion is often defeated before it even begins.

I think we have to also keep in mind that different people have different gifts. Some have a gift for compassion while others have a gift for truth and wisdom. This is why I feel the Body of Christ, in all it's parts, is so vital. God will use each member of the body to minister in different ways into the same situation. It's a thing of beauty, when used properly.

(Still, whether you have a gift for one or the other, both need to be used in various amounts when helping someone.)
 
Feeling better only lasts a little while. Being better equips a person for the next thing that's going to make them feel a negative thing; it's still going to feel bad, but hopefully not in a crippling way. Being better makes feeling better an easier thing to achieve.

Maybe.

This is at least partly speculation.
 
Advice is great, but we have to evaluate where the counsel is coming from. Lots of people will just throw scripture at you that may not apply, or others just want to talk about their life experiences and don't pay attention to what the person they're "counseling". How often do we see it in this forum? Be wise, don't heed all counsel. Pray about it and check it against scripture.
 
Biblical advice given in a loving way is the best :)
If you are too harsh, it won't do anything but hurt the person.
If you are too sweet about it, it will act as a band-aid, as you said.
 
I think if I was the person that was the one hurting and needing the help,
I would want both! I think a very good example of the this is the good Samaritan!
Not only did he show his kindness and friendliness by stopping, but took the man
home, and with Love and Care poured the oil and wine into his wounds until he
was made whole again!

The man was beyond hope of helping himself. If the good Samaritan would have
just stopped and said some encouraging words and left, the man would have died!
I think the good Samaritan, was a good example helping some one to feel better,
and to be better! Lord, I humbly ask to be more like this man toward others
who need help!
 
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