Final chapter in my testemony, chapter 21 or somthing, funny and sad, and very interesting

[mindfulzen]

I could write a trilogy about the mess my life was, so I do the last part synopsis. Once there was a young dude, bit broken, tried college, so moved to the city, and moved into an apartment, because the landlady had such an amazing smile and eyes, instant spark. So, we ended up in an undefined relationship, that lasted romantically for over 10 years. Flunked college, got disability. Very happy for many years, ecstatic. Was also on antdepressants, smoked hash. Sometimes shared bed, sometimes not. Got a bit messy with her seeing ex boyfriends, and others, and me slipping a few times. But we kind of had the trust and love still, and I think we both have it now, 10 years after it ended. Backstory.

Then it got to much for me to take, so I confronted her, and wanted to talk, and have some honesty, she just denied. And she did the same to me, I refused. Then we kept going with hurting eachother and pressuring eachother for some years, and she enlisted my friends, to attack me, since I had spilled some secrets about them, and some druguse and sale. She is very good at manipulating, worke on me for years. Soon enough she had my family too, since I reacted with anger towards those busting into my peronal relation, that I sort out myself, or fail in doing so. So my "friends" got me to take some hard drug as vengence when I was weak. So, I just gave up and shut the world out. Alone forever, in anger, while being heartbroken and betrayed by all the people I loved.

10 years later, I moved back to my granny's old house, off grid, reading the bible. After a some warnings from the heart in labour, in december before christmas. Off grid for 3 months, reading the bible and other stuff. I got a calm, and let go. Took back control of the life I did not care about. And got another thing with the heart heavy lifting in april or may. real bad. So I called the EX, and wanted to end the anger, and tell her that I did not hate her and forgive her. She would not let me. And told her I would have to talk to my family, and take my mother out of play, seeing as she got very sick and has operations to go through. Well, that set things in motion. She was in panic, and pretty soon my brother came here, and was insisting on hard manual labour for me, chopping trees, carrying heavy objects, etc. Knowing it would kill me if I just shutup as usual, and just did it. So I got my answers, and tried. So now I hopped off all branches on the family tree apart from my parents, and the EX who wants me dead, and one of her children that I raised a little. Made it official, by telling her. And saw the sorrow in my former brothers eyes. So now, none can be used to hurt me, and in turn hurt my parents health. I never imagined my former brothers were so emotionally weak, that they prioritized getting me back, over our common mums health. So, now I am at peace, they are not used because a mistake I made, my mistake and her secrets are safe, my father and mother get some peace. And I live nextdoor, if they want to speak to me. And I can speak to my former brothers as humanbeings if they wish, but they can never enter my life again. I could not withstand this without faith, it is amazing

 

[mindfulzen]

Update. 12 hours after said phonecall, I got a call from my landlord, who said I had to move out of an apartment I had not been in, in about two years. Said he was selling the house. I had one month. So, I asked if we could do two months, but no could do. So I had to go there and sort stuff out. Went to see the ex last night. Got some cinamonbuns and forgot the coffe, so called her and said she had to make some if she wanted that. Picked her up at the store, and we drove to a dirty old dock and sat there chatting and having some coffee, breaking bread for over an hour. Then she told me we had to go to her house because she had to use the toilet, which she could have used in the mall next to the dock. But I just went along, despite telling her that I did not want to go to her house earlier in the week.

We ended up talking in her little garden house for 5-6 hours more, till it was dark. There was a wall between us still, and forever. She stuck to her lies, did not budge. Wanted me to tell her how it ended the way it did, and I went away for 10 years. Without allowing me to tell her that her infidelity had anything to do with it. So, we did not get anywhere, but I think it was good for us both to see eachother in person again. Sadly, she will never get the closure she wants, to not be sad about it. I will clean some more, do some garbadge runs, then we will arrange a few more meetings, some chinese food next week perhaps. Do not expect any resolve. She messed up on her details in stories from what she had said in the phone.

She looked a bit different than how I remembered her, but only slightly. Bit bloated in the face, but still beautiful to me. Less spark in her eyes, bit tired. Shrunk 6 cms since I saw her, almost like hugging a little person. Her spine had collapsed some more. Some other healthissues. Some sideffects from medication, etc. She said I was different too, did not understand why I was calm now and not depressed, especially since I had told her that I took a chainsaw to my familytree recently. Which she really understand, since we often talked about toxic relations in my life during our years in the same house. And has been her only way to get in touch with me after I stopped answering her calls a few years ago, before picking up the phone and calling her a few months ago. Saw the hurt and guilt she felt, for having a part in me ending some familyrelations for good. Did not hold much eyecontact while talking of that, she looked a lot on the table instead. Interesting to see the mouth saying one thing, and the bodylanguage speaking against it.

9 days left I think, before I leave the city for good. Who knows if there is some movement. Otherwise I have arranged it so that I got a place to crash later, if desired a few more talks. But will not be too many, because I really do not want to crash at that place. Perhaps I will do it in combination with a camping trip instead. And while typing this, she suddenly calls me, and says she dropped the boat trip with her kids, and ask if I want to come over, so I am going over now.

 

[tourist]

. And while typing this, she suddenly calls me, and says she dropped the boat trip with her kids, and ask if I want to come over, so I am going over now.

Bring coffee.

 

[tourist]

I could write a trilogy about the mess my life was

Me too and I have over the course of 7 years and 35000+ posts. There is a big difference between 'was' and 'is'. You seem to be a survivor type. We all have a story to tell. Thank you for sharing a chapter of yours. Time to turn the page.

 

[mindfulzen]

Me too and I have over the course of 7 years and 35000+ posts. There is a big difference between 'was' and 'is'. You seem to be a survivor type. We all have a story to tell. Thank you for sharing a chapter of yours. Time to turn the page.

I remembered the coffee this time. Put it on the table, packed a little bag with coffee, a sweater, some snacks and stuff. Brought some books, and asked if she wanted them, or I should throw em away, should throw it away. Wow, 35 000 posts, that is a lot. Seems to me, that you write much about life, when you should be living it, if you want to do that. There is not much difference between "was" and "is" form, since I went away from her mantally 10 years ago, by stopping talking, and later went physically away, and stopped calling and taking her calls. And she keeps calling, something unresolved. That I must put some work into.And I can use some of the 9 days left here to do that, does not cost me much. Only real obstacle was that I had to take the chance of her being angry, and wanted me to go to her place, having 5 guys to beat the shit out of me for ending it like I did, and kept hanging up on her on the phone, before stopping answering them totally. And ending it badly.

Other than that, she can do what she needs to do. No page to turn, we talked some, I told her that we lived in sin, and I will live celibate the rest of my life. Told her that I loved the person I met back then, and I would always love the heart she had back then when we both were to messed up people building eachother upto live a little again. And no matter what, she would always have a place in my heart, but my priorities have changed and I will go back to my small life. And would probably not come down too much, if she needs more resolve than we can get to now in 9 days, if that is required. So, not my page to turn. She is a motherhen, trying to protect her secrets, that is quite safe with me, that she cannot trust to be safe, so shekind of have to manipulate and destroy my relations, or I have to destroy her by fighting back, so not doing that for now. Giving her some other options. She even took a call from her daugther while we chatted, and put her on loudspeaker, catching both me and her off guard. So we spoke some words, and said hello, how are you doing.

We chatted for 8 hours, she had some beers and were comfortable after a while, while pumping me for information, and trying to get me to answer a certain question all the evening, that I said was not ready yet, and I would not end a talk late at night, with a fight, would do none of us no good. But she sought it badly, and used all the tricks in the book of manipulation. Tears, anger, her rightTold her that I can tell her no lies, and go along with her false premiss, if she wanted that answer. This is just psycopathmanual in play, by a person who I do not think is a psychopath.Then she accepted that wall, without verbally saying it, and we just did freeflow, talking like back in the day, before I stopped talking. Just fell back into it, and perhaps she got to know me again and got some answers she needed for herself. Or she just pumped me for information,, she thinks she can use. A total ease, and laughing about our past issues, and current ones. Good or bad for me, used or abused, I just have to go through it.

We ended with some jokes, some selfdeprication, some smiles, just saying it is a mess, but genuine smiles. Me for genuine fun in our exchange, hers for possibly the same, and having faith in that I will bot betray her, or because she thinks she found a way to betray me. If that is her agenda. Which I do not know. I did not expect her at all, to contact me today and change a familything if that was true yesterday. Was prepared to just watch two games and play some music, while doing some housecleaning. It is very interesting. Messing up my cleaning of the apartment a bit, but that is OK. She talked about wedensday, so will get most done before that. Meaning filling up most stuff to throw away, and be done with that. And only have appliances left. For the final move. Which will be next weekend if it suits others. Because of jobs, might be after or before of course. Life is interesting people, enjoy it. Have a good one bruh.

ps. I like to write, will probably write some more. Private person, but writing is fun, and if it can be relatable and help others, it is all good. Glad you like it. Good night.

 

[mindfulzen]

Not saying it is a bad person, just saying that it is a human response in a person, who lost a person for years, and have a safeguard open as first defence. Perhaps we tore down that wall, and I clearly stated my intent. And she felt comfort. And she can be cool with me, but cannot admit and talk about infidelity, since she used my family to find me again, and I did not reply verbally for 10 years, and psysically removed myself for 5 years. It has not been easy for her, if you think I say that. Just a complicated issue that I just came back to recently, so I will not pass judgement definitively. Just assumptions, best to my knowledge. The intentions and wants, I am not clear on.Been told she has moved on, but she lingers in my life still, and lies, so do not know iff it is good or ill intent.

 

[Magenta]

she lingers in my life still, and lies, so do not know if it is good or ill intent.

*Wonders how you could possibly see her lying to you as being good intentioned*

 

[mindfulzen]

*Wonders how you could possibly see her lying to you as being good intentioned*

Good point, but love is still love. And saw her today, saw love in her eyes.I am pretty sure her heart is good, but lies and unfaitfulnesss makes it complicated to deal with. Much false tears, but do not think she has a bad heart, after giving me a home in hers. Two broken hearts and people meeting at a time in a place. Going with it. We do the best we can wile she not dealing with issues. Everybody is not perfect, we have flaws. Cannot blame her, I cheated on her first. Thank you for advice. People who cheat tend to lie.Talked to her for like 3 hours, she did not like discussing this issue, so off table for now.. If she wants it, we can do it tomorrow.

 

[mindfulzen]

Magneto, we lived togetgher for ten years, but in sin. Actually for thirteen years when I me\sed up on drugs. Much love before. Despite some unfaithfulness.. All good, it swings both ways.