I dated. Not many, but I did. The first guy I dated wanted to marry me. He even showed what he could offer me. I almost married him thinking I'd never find love, so might as well settle for someone loving me.
He was also the reason I decided I wasn't ever going to get married. If that was marraige, better to stay single.
And I was happy single. Well, as happy as it gets. (Not like I didn't miss waking up in the same bed with someone who loved me and I loved him. I think that's sort of like missing Mom. That's always there, but I figured I live with that kind of missing.)
And then John came stumbling up the aisle, knocking chairs and people out of the way to check out the new girl. (Me.) He was the kind of pretty you feared looking at because looking at him had to be staring. You know that one? You really want to stare as if staring can finally be satisfied, but you don't want him to think you're creepy because you stare, so you don't look at his face at all? That kind of gobsmacked.
More gobsmacked that all those visits to see his friend wasn't to see his friend. (Didn't know that until we were engaged. Also didn't know my best woman friend was trying to set me up with her BIL -- that mutual friend -- until I asked her to be my matron-of-honor. I really am naive on catching hints. lol) His friend was also my friend, so we became a three-people group, except I had no idea Friend was telling John don't ask, because I turned him down. (Didn't want to be seen as a piece of meat as the new girl kind of thing, and yet did want to date him, but we became friends even before he had the chance to ask me out, because apparently I babbled something that he took as "I won't date anyone." I naturally babble. I double-speed babble if I'm nervous. Potentiality of a guy asking me out always made me double-speed babble. lol) And I had no idea that John wanted to ask me out either, but I sure was hanging around them for that hope.
But waiting for that hope, we really did become good friends. Like brother-sister good friends. We could talk about anything, except for sex. (Always my boundary. Just don't take it to sex, and I'm good.) And, in that friendship, I really knew this was a friend I needed for the rest of my life. If he moved to California, I'd go move to California and find a job and place to live within easy driving distance to him. I've had friends come and go, but this was the friend who I couldn't part with.
It was friend. Not up to even thinking romantic love. (Still wasn't going to turn down a date. Didn't know what to do if he did though. What if we dated, and it didn't work out? Was that the end of the friendship? Territories I didn't know how to cross.)
And finally, he asked. And YESYESYES!!!
(What could one date hurt, right?)
Dinner. (He paid. First guy who ever paid for my dinner. The joys of college life seemed always to include double-dutch. lol) A movie. (The Muppet Movie.) Air-hockey where I worked. (I worked as a counselor in a Runaway/Throwaway shelter, so of course there was a free air-hockey table there.)
Then he took me home, and we sat out front of my house. In the next three hours, he told me his life story. (Two hours. Included his last marriage and two kids. Really should have been a bad date by then, but I already knew some of that story, so not shocked.) And then I told mine. (One hour.) He also told me he was dating to find a wife, because he already knew he was the kind of guy who needed to be married.
I fell in love in that car. It was sealed with that kiss at the door. He grew up in the 50's and 60's, when kissing said it all. (You weren't going to find many girls who would go past kissing, so the kiss said it all.) I felt it to my toes. Honest. Hard to describe for anyone who's never kissed someone who learned how to show it all in a kiss. (I grew up in the 70's where kiss often meant bed would follow.)
I went inside and called Dad (1 AM) to tell him i just found the guy I would marry.
I don't remember this part too well, because I don't remember doing that, except I do remember he didn't like the way I arranged my kitchen. (I cook to eat. He cooks as a passion.) So I asked him how we would arrange our apartment when we got married. And I told him I loved him. It was five days after that first date.
I do remember how he responded to "I love you." He said, "Thank you."
Didn't phase me. Never fell in love before so didn't know what that meant other than what it seemed to mean. (Thank you for loving me. lol)
Two days later, I was talking about where we should get our apartment. (My apartment was half an hour away from where he worked and our church, so obviously I should move closer to where he lived, right?) He suggested a town over there, when I finally realized, he never asked me to marry him.
Me being me, (yeah, I've always been this blunt and upfront), I asked him when he asked. He laughed, told me what happened two days earlier and how much it terrified him. He had gone home and thought it over. Realized he was always attracted to the same kind of woman and it always ended up in disaster, but I was the exact opposite of that kind of woman. (I guess they were subtle and quiet. lol Nah, actually he tells me they were always wounded and needy. He just happened to be the type of guy who always wants to take care of people like that. Unfortunately, the other thing was they were conniving. Blunt and upfront really stinks at conniving. I am what I am, and can't fake being anything else.) So, he prayed, still knowing he needed a wife, realized he already fell in love with me too, so went with it.
The first date was February 28. We were engaged by March 7th, and married in early October 1980. (That late simply because my oldest brother was engaged 14 months before we met, so he should marry first. He married two weeks before us.) No regrets. Still lots of great relief! Still follow him across the globe if that's what he wanted. At least now I don't have to find a separate home to live in. lol
I've dated other guys. I only fell in love once. I may well be the only one who doesn't know what a broken heart feels like.