Force field of awkward

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toastface_grillah

toastface_grillah

Banned
Dec 17, 2012
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I dunno where else to say this, and I'm at a point in my life where I'm tired of carrying around the things that frustrate and grieve me for lack of a safe place to express them. If this is that safe place, praise God. If not, well... *shrug*

I'm not sure why, but for years, I've had the hardest time connecting with people in person. One-on-one conversations are great, as long as the person at least appears to give a damn, and isn't looking for an exit without trying to make it obvious. Large groups, those godawful "open mingle" times after church services and after/during every gathering and networking event known to man? Im-freaking-possible.

The whole thing's terrifying - which cluster of people (who all know each other sooooo well) to break into, how to hold up my end of the conversation without coming across as awkward or boring or God forbid, breaking one of the 155,000 unwritten rules of social interactions that people don't forgive you for, and how to "make face" and at least look like I'm more excited than nervous. Hellish, I tell you.

One of the things I've wanted the most, for the longest time, has just been to connect with people as easily and smoothly as others do, and to make that hop from acquaintances to friends without tripping somewhere. Alas, it has been far, far, far too much to ask.

Well, I had to get that off my chest. Happy Easter, everyone.
 
I'm glad you felt comfortable putting this here. I'm with you. :) I'm a great listener at those things, but I really stink at small talk so I'm not a crowds kinda person either.
 
Think of someone charming. Like their speech and mannerisms, then replay it over and over in your head until the way you think in conversations sounds to you like them.
 
I relate to so much of that. I just started going to a young adult Bible study, and after we're done they all hang out. Usually I'm the first to leave because I don't know people well enough, and I don't want to just walk over and intrude on a group's conversation. It's almost a vicious cycle: I leave because I don't want to be awkward or intrusive, but how am I supposed to get to know them better if I leave?

I've started to get to know a couple of them a bit more, which makes the before/after mingling a bit less awkward, but at the same time it doesn't make it less awkward because then it seems as if I just follow that one person around because that's who I'm most comfortable with. It seems like you just can't win, until you're somehow part of that crowd.

I do love my Bible study, it's just that transitional period of getting to know everyone, and getting past being the "new girl" who hasn't had any of the past group experiences that they've all had.

I know part of it is my shyer/more reserved personality. There's another girl who goes to that Bible study who is super outgoing, and when I first met her I thought she had been there for years because she seemed so comfortable and outgoing with everyone, but apparently that was only her first or second week there. I wish I could be like that! Her and I actually clicked really well, oddly enough.

None of that was helpful advice, mainly because I'm in the same boat so I don't have much else to say besides I know what you mean. ;)
 
Im the same. I could have 5 close friends, and be fine with them one on one. Bring us all together and i suddenly can't speak. And yeah, those 'shake the hand/give a hug to the person next to you' things at church. Really? I don't want strangers hugging me, or touching all those dirty, germ infested hands after they wiped their kids nose, butt and whatever else. eww..
But yeah, those group settings are horrible to be in.

*ps, Ghost, might want to watch the language.
 
I don't know that I can help but I can relate to a degree. I'm comfortable talking one-on-one, preferably with someone I know, and small group discussions work well, granted I know the people involved. But I dislike crowds of any description and even feel uncomfortable in a small group of strangers. It's just not my thing. In short, I enjoy socialising but struggle to get to know people I don't know.
 
Ugly said:
Im the same. I could have 5 close friends, and be fine with them one on one. Bring us all together and i suddenly can't speak. And yeah, those 'shake the hand/give a hug to the person next to you' things at church. Really? I don't want strangers hugging me, or touching all those dirty, germ infested hands after they wiped their kids nose, butt and whatever else. eww..
But yeah, those group settings are horrible to be in.

*ps, Ghost, might want to watch the language.
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I feel ya on the touchy feely people. Some stranger reaching out to grab me my instinct is to deck them honestly cause on the streets here if some strange person is reaching for you chances are they are out to rob you or kill you so its sorta a kill or be killed deal. I don't like being touched specially from people I do not know.

I dont like crowds ether. again life of the streets. around many people im looking for any and all threats.

Overall in person I am a quiet person. ill only say something if i have something to say most of the time I have nothing of importance to say.

but flip side Rachel makes a comment about not wanting to intrude on a conversation. A weird thing here is is you and a friend were talking say on a street corner wondering where you should go eat. it wouldnt be uncommon to have a stranger just up and intrude and say hey you should eat at this place its good. outsiders seem to think its rude. but I noticed the same thing happens in NYC as it does here.

Guess it would explain why so many people from other states I been in would ask me if I was a New Yorker.
 
I'm pretty weird. Not necessarily awkward, but I'm weird. I can fit into groups okay, but usually I do a better job of it if I know someone who's in the group. If I was to show up at a small group or something and not know anyone, I'll usually arrive right on time and be the first one to leave.

I think my trepidation about being the new one in the group roots back to childhood. I was a solitary kid for the most part, and when I would venture out into the established groups, I was made fun of for being tall, or too smart, or too talkative, or I was weird because I took stuff apart, or wanted to dissect the frogs. I learned that I was too weird or "dark" to be liked or loved. I still really struggle with whether or not people want me.
 
I agree completely. I don't mind greeting someone, but I don't like people touching me. UGH.
 
Oh, this is about touching now. I love giving and receiving hugs but I won't initiate a hug unless the other person is open to receiving it.
 
toastface_grillah said:
I dunno where else to say this, and I'm at a point in my life where I'm tired of carrying around the things that frustrate and grieve me for lack of a safe place to express them. If this is that safe place, praise God. If not, well... *shrug*

I'm not sure why, but for years, I've had the hardest time connecting with people in person. One-on-one conversations are great, as long as the person at least appears to give a damn, and isn't looking for an exit without trying to make it obvious. Large groups, those godawful "open mingle" times after church services and after/during every gathering and networking event known to man? Im-freaking-possible.

The whole thing's terrifying - which cluster of people (who all know each other sooooo well) to break into, how to hold up my end of the conversation without coming across as awkward or boring or God forbid, breaking one of the 155,000 unwritten rules of social interactions that people don't forgive you for, and how to "make face" and at least look like I'm more excited than nervous. Hellish, I tell you.

One of the things I've wanted the most, for the longest time, has just been to connect with people as easily and smoothly as others do, and to make that hop from acquaintances to friends without tripping somewhere. Alas, it has been far, far, far too much to ask.

Well, I had to get that off my chest. Happy Easter, everyone.
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I think what you will notice on this thread is that most people feel the same way that you do. Just be yourself and remember that others are probably just as uncomfortable as you are. When you find yourself being the one trying to make others feel more comfortable and welcome, you will also find yourself being one of the more social people.
 
I tried for years to change my personality to fit in more easily, and be more out going and less awkward. The thing was, the more I tried, the more awkward I was. You can push yourself to be outgoing, and it will be weird at first, but don't try to be anyone else than you already are. I find that being in a small group, and being a part of the sharing process can help a lot.
 
Thanks for sharing this Toast! Ugh...and the comment about being a NY'er lol such a stereotype. Go to any big city & people act the same way. At least that's my experience. I used to be fine in big groups of people,now as I get older I hang back more & am better in small groups or one on one. I find also I have developed a really bad habit of pulling physically away from people now. I never used to have a problem with giving a handshake or a hug (even if the other person was a bacteria frap) but over the course of the past few years I can't handle being touched.
 
This...
Markum1972 said:
I think what you will notice on this thread is that most people feel the same way that you do. Just be yourself and remember that others are probably just as uncomfortable as you are. When you find yourself being the one trying to make others feel more comfortable and welcome, you will also find yourself being one of the more social people.
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And this...
zaoman32 said:
I tried for years to change my personality to fit in more easily, and be more out going and less awkward. The thing was, the more I tried, the more awkward I was. You can push yourself to be outgoing, and it will be weird at first, but don't try to be anyone else than you already are. I find that being in a small group, and being a part of the sharing process can help a lot.
Click to expand...

I've found that among the churches I've attended, I am much more at ease. With accepting Christ comes a huge amount of leniency. Those 'unbreakable' social rules take a back seat. A central idea in christianity is that of forming relationships. Love, the very thing that God has given us as the meaning of life, requires human interaction.

I also never really enjoyed the mingling part, not so much out of awkwardness, but I am a very active person. I would much rather be doing something, helping with something, than making small talk.

In the end, it seems to me like there are very few people 'born' with social intuition. Like everything else that involves learning it takes time, and sadly, often takes failure. That said, I truly believe that there is no greater place to learn than amongst God's people.

Being different is only bad if it prevents us from following God daily. Wishing you the best!
 
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[video=youtube;_8AAzBamwm4]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8AAzBamwm4[/video]
 
I always used to pretend that I had to tie my shoe during those horrible "Turn and greet your neighbor" times at church. I started doing that because either nobody would shake my hand, or some very very very very "friendly" lady in her 30's with too much perfume on would act like she knew me and...

HUG. ME.

It was terrifying.

I'm the kind of person who is unable to even remember that "Hello" is a generally acceptable response when someone else says "Hello" first. So instead of responding, I run through a whole list of completely inappropriate responses in my head before settling on just a smile and nod.

And then people stop talking to me, because I'm apparently like talking to a wall. With eyes. Which might mean I'm creepy.

I guess it's better for people to think that about me than to reply to somebody's simple Hi by accidentally blurting out something like, "Space chickens are on the move, best take cover."


 
Naturally I am not particularly loud or outgoing, I am friendly but I struggle with crowds and sometimes new people. I had to learn to be more outgoing. In uni we had to give a presentation every Wednesday so I learnt to talk to a group. Our classes changed also so that we were presenting to different people. I got so good at this that I and my team actually won a "dragons den" style competition we had in class. I am also a kids service leader, this means I have to welcome new kids and their families to church, I have to be bubbly and outgoing as that is what people expect from their kids leaders. At first I faked it, I pretended to be confident and outgoing but every week the faking gets less and I am more comfortable and confident.
 
I used to be VERY VERY shy and socially awkward due to post-traumatic stress - its like you stay in your own little cocoon because you are afraid to talk...all you worry about is surviving the moment. I had a few close friends who I was very outgoing around though and now, I virtually have no problem talking to anyone except the odd time here and there. I sometimes feel like people have a tight-knit conversation going on and I have no way of entering in so I just stand back and watch, feeling like an idiot!! I hate that the most!
 
I know the not wanting to interrupt conversation so standing to the side looking like a loser/fool feeling.
 
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