Friendships - are they necessary?

[MsMediator]

I am following two middle-aged/older women on youtube. One is single/never married/no children and lives with multiple pets. The other is married/no children and lives with a pet. Recently both spoke of friendships and offered quite different viewpoints. Essentially, the single woman maintained that life is all about relationships and community, while at the same time acknowledged lack of connection and her difficulties to find and keep friendships. She could be what you describe as "single at heart" as she enjoys being single and expressed no desire to marry. On the contrary, the married woman expressed that she is perfectly content with her husband and pet and doesn't need friends (she also admitted, even lamented, that she has no friends). She has the view that one can be happy without and doesn't need friends. Thoughts?

I believe both women are lacking/missing out in some way. One is missing out on spouse and/or kids relationships, and another is missing out on genuine friendship. I understand that not everyone can have every type of relationship, but each type of relationship is different and each offers some aspects/experiences that another type does not. That said, I think one can still be content without having a specific type of relationship unless they focus on the glass half empty. I have usually believed everyone needs/wants friends, but maybe not everyone does like this married woman.

From a Christian perspective, while it may be that we don't need/want friends, we are still obligated to be a good friend to others and engage with others. If someone doesn't want to have any friends, while this is very strange to me as I cannot relate to this, I guess it is possible that they can still be happy and content.

 

[Lynx]

Is chocolate pie necessary?

No, but it sure makes life better.

 

[Lynx]

Also i'd hate to think of a life without it.

 

[JohnDB]

I am following two middle-aged/older women on youtube. One is single/never married/no children and lives with multiple pets. The other is married/no children and lives with a pet. Recently both spoke of friendships and offered quite different viewpoints. Essentially, the single woman maintained that life is all about relationships and community, while at the same time acknowledged lack of connection and her difficulties to find and keep friendships. She could be what you describe as "single at heart" as she enjoys being single and expressed no desire to marry. On the contrary, the married woman expressed that she is perfectly content with her husband and pet and doesn't need friends (she also admitted, even lamented, that she has no friends). She has the view that one can be happy without and doesn't need friends. Thoughts?

I believe both women are lacking/missing out in some way. One is missing out on spouse and/or kids relationships, and another is missing out on genuine friendship. I understand that not everyone can have every type of relationship, but each type of relationship is different and each offers some aspects/experiences that another type does not. That said, I think one can still be content without having a specific type of relationship unless they focus on the glass half empty. I have usually believed everyone needs/wants friends, but maybe not everyone does like this married woman.

From a Christian perspective, while it may be that we don't need/want friends, we are still obligated to be a good friend to others and engage with others. If someone doesn't want to have any friends, while this is very strange to me as I cannot relate to this, I guess it is possible that they can still be happy and content.

Learning to be content in whatever situation you are in is great gain.

However,
Look at first and second most important commandments objectively. They are ALL about relationships. Relationship with God and with others.

Where friends can't replace a spouse....it can assist with the loneliness of not having one and the joys of being in a long term committed relationship are unknown to the perpetually single person. Can't miss what you know nothing about. Do you miss fleugalbinbders? (It's OK if you don't know what one is....makes you normal)

Then the married person who finds all her relationship satisfaction from her husband is set up to fail. Because people have a bad habit of dying at some point. And often a spouse will die within a year of a long term spouse...

But in both situations....both are missing out.

Introverts are happy with a few part time close friends. But they know so few people. However they love those they know hard and well. When in group functions with lots of people they feel drained.

Extroverts have never met a stranger. But their relationships tend to be more superficial and not as deep as the introverts tend to have. Too many people to know well. But they are energized by meeting people.

Then there's a third group because people are not so polarized....
These can behave like both an introvert and an extrovert. They switch between behaving like the two at periods of time.

ENFP vx INFP are two personalities wildly divergent simply because of the introvert vx extrovert. (There are 12)

Are they wrong or right?
Dunno....they just are who they are.

 

[seoulsearch]

I am following two middle-aged/older women on youtube. One is single/never married/no children and lives with multiple pets. The other is married/no children and lives with a pet. Recently both spoke of friendships and offered quite different viewpoints. Essentially, the single woman maintained that life is all about relationships and community, while at the same time acknowledged lack of connection and her difficulties to find and keep friendships. She could be what you describe as "single at heart" as she enjoys being single and expressed no desire to marry. On the contrary, the married woman expressed that she is perfectly content with her husband and pet and doesn't need friends (she also admitted, even lamented, that she has no friends). She has the view that one can be happy without and doesn't need friends. Thoughts?

I believe both women are lacking/missing out in some way. One is missing out on spouse and/or kids relationships, and another is missing out on genuine friendship. I understand that not everyone can have every type of relationship, but each type of relationship is different and each offers some aspects/experiences that another type does not. That said, I think one can still be content without having a specific type of relationship unless they focus on the glass half empty. I have usually believed everyone needs/wants friends, but maybe not everyone does like this married woman.

From a Christian perspective, while it may be that we don't need/want friends, we are still obligated to be a good friend to others and engage with others. If someone doesn't want to have any friends, while this is very strange to me as I cannot relate to this, I guess it is possible that they can still be happy and content.

Hi @MsMediator, great thread, as always!

Your threads always have me thinking in so many directions -- I always struggle with trying to condense my answers.

As a single person, I understand why a lot of singles don't have friends and have a hard time making friends. Someone on CC once put it better than I could -- when we're kids, we play kickball because everyone is playing kickball. As adults, we branch off and can better choose just what WE want to do, and that really narrows who and how many people we are exposed to.

I find that there seems to be two types of people: People Who Might Be Friends, and People Who Want to Use You For Something. I can't speak for married people, but as a single, I often get seen as a Person Who Can Be Useful to Other People Who Don't Want to Give Anything Back. Examples include: wanting me to co-sign on a loan (absolutely not!!), wanting me to babysit kids or pets (kids -- only for extremely close friends and family; pets -- no -- because I've seen situations where the pet got sick/hurt and things got ugly; plus, I'm allergic,) and a multitude other "favors."

Friendships are like relationships -- in a healthy friendship or relationship, there is a balance of give and take. If one side is always expected to give and the other is always taking, I cut my losses and move on -- which might very well mean having no friends.

All my friends unfortunately live across the country, but they are well worth the work it takes to keep in touch, and I think we have great ratios of give and take. (We're all independent and actually don't like asking favors from anyone, but are quick to offer to help to our group when someone is in need.)

As for marrieds... We all hear, especially in the church, that a spouse is your companion and best friend -- which many see as an end-all, be-all cure for loneliness and needing friends. I certainly believe your spouse should be your best friend, but having them as your ONLY friend might be problematic. People who rely on their spouse for all human interaction will eventually have to deal with that tricky, "'Til Death Do Us Part" clause.

What is that person going to do when God calls their spouse home and they DO have to part? I've been around older people and their communities almost all my life, and many don't seem to take that into consideration -- until it happens. What I've seen repeatedly (maybe it's different in other areas,) is that married people who are left behind often lose their entire community because the married friends they once had (if they had any,) often abandon them either out of jealousy (fearing the newly "single" person will steal their spouse,) or just cannot, or do not, want to try to relate to someone who now isn't "like them," and no longer has a spouse.

I know everyone tells single people without kids, "Who will take care of you when you're old?", but I've seen a lot of married couples become estranged from their children, who never visit, or are too far away to help.

My parents knew a couple (wife is in her 80's, husband is in his 90's) who just moved to Hawaii because he received a terminal diagnosis and that's where he wants to die.

The thing is, his wife is disabled -- she's in a wheelchair, and can't walk without assistance -- and they are going from a regular care facility (where they had help and meals prepared for them) to a regular apartment, because Hawaii is so much more expensive. They are completely alone -- the few family members they have are here but can't move, and they have no friends or other connections. When people asked for their contact information to stay in touch, the husband refused to give it. The wife was crying to those who knew her, because she did NOT want to go. She relished the safety and security she felt where they already were.

The husband said that their apartment was near a grocery store, so he planned to walk their regularly (no car) to buy food and cook for them. Apparently he has not thought about things such as, how long can he keep up caring for his wife alone? What happens if he falls, gets sick, and/or can't take care of her anymore? What happens when he dies and she's left alone? What happens if he lives longer than predicted, and they run out of savings?

All he cared about is that he will be able to spend his last days in Hawaii, and he did not let his wife keep any ties or contacts with anyone at the place they left. I can't even imagine being trapped in a marriage like that. It's stories like this that make me grumble a whole lot less about being single.

But on the flipside, I can certainly agree that it's VERY hard to actually make real friends.

I do think a lot of times people don't have friends because we've all had bad experiences, false starts (out of thousands of people we talk to, even if it seems promising at first, how many become actual friends?), or have been used -- and frankly, it gets to a point where it just doesn't seem worth the effort anymore.

But for anyone single or married, if God opens a door to start a friendship -- sometimes it winds up being amazing! -- and I hope He will give you the encouragement and strength to see where it leads.

 

[MsMediator]

Can't miss what you know nothing about.

Very true. I have known only children who do not feel they are really missing out on siblings.

 

[Lynx]

What happens if he lives longer than predicted, and they run out of savings?

Baby we've got
Everything we need
As long as we die
By next Tuesday

 

[Karlon]

I am following two middle-aged/older women on youtube. One is single/never married/no children and lives with multiple pets. The other is married/no children and lives with a pet. Recently both spoke of friendships and offered quite different viewpoints. Essentially, the single woman maintained that life is all about relationships and community, while at the same time acknowledged lack of connection and her difficulties to find and keep friendships. She could be what you describe as "single at heart" as she enjoys being single and expressed no desire to marry. On the contrary, the married woman expressed that she is perfectly content with her husband and pet and doesn't need friends (she also admitted, even lamented, that she has no friends). She has the view that one can be happy without and doesn't need friends. Thoughts?

I believe both women are lacking/missing out in some way. One is missing out on spouse and/or kids relationships, and another is missing out on genuine friendship. I understand that not everyone can have every type of relationship, but each type of relationship is different and each offers some aspects/experiences that another type does not. That said, I think one can still be content without having a specific type of relationship unless they focus on the glass half empty. I have usually believed everyone needs/wants friends, but maybe not everyone does like this married woman.

From a Christian perspective, while it may be that we don't need/want friends, we are still obligated to be a good friend to others and engage with others. If someone doesn't want to have any friends, while this is very strange to me as I cannot relate to this, I guess it is possible that they can still be happy and content.

the law of averages shall always be considered. there's always someone, somewhere, that naturally chooses to be a loner & truly is happy that way. however, there is the longing for human companionship that arises in one's mind saying, "i wish there was somebody i could talk to". people often, won't admit that, protecting the mask of their character. "people needing people" is what God put into our hearts & minds, it's natural. pets are a huge issue in this category. i've seen this quite often in my customers. people who have multiple pets, lot's of times, are people who receive satisfaction, comfort & staying power, knowing that they are in control. it supersedes the need for of people. concerning kids, i never had any & it doesn't bother me. yes, i believe if someone doesn't desire friends, it is awkward. truthfully, the loners i know are all strange & lacking in need. you can tell just by looking at them. the multiplicity in human characters is vast, each situation has to be analyzed. also, largely, people are afraid to make friends & the older you get, the more difficult it becomes to make friends.

 

[Edith]

I am following two middle-aged/older women on youtube. One is single/never married/no children and lives with multiple pets. The other is married/no children and lives with a pet. Recently both spoke of friendships and offered quite different viewpoints. Essentially, the single woman maintained that life is all about relationships and community, while at the same time acknowledged lack of connection and her difficulties to find and keep friendships. She could be what you describe as "single at heart" as she enjoys being single and expressed no desire to marry. On the contrary, the married woman expressed that she is perfectly content with her husband and pet and doesn't need friends (she also admitted, even lamented, that she has no friends). She has the view that one can be happy without and doesn't need friends. Thoughts?

I believe both women are lacking/missing out in some way. One is missing out on spouse and/or kids relationships, and another is missing out on genuine friendship. I understand that not everyone can have every type of relationship, but each type of relationship is different and each offers some aspects/experiences that another type does not. That said, I think one can still be content without having a specific type of relationship unless they focus on the glass half empty. I have usually believed everyone needs/wants friends, but maybe not everyone does like this married woman.

From a Christian perspective, while it may be that we don't need/want friends, we are still obligated to be a good friend to others and engage with others. If someone doesn't want to have any friends, while this is very strange to me as I cannot relate to this, I guess it is possible that they can still be happy and content.

Both women have one thing in common friend. The married one has friends but they are family members.
while the single one has friends who aren't family members.

My dear the basic is no one is an island. singlehood is easier because we have people with whom we can talk time to time, now if we get married we will not have much time to invest in other relationship so husband and house hold become friends

 

[MsMediator]

I find that there seems to be two types of people: People Who Might Be Friends, and People Who Want to Use You For Something. I can't speak for married people, but as a single, I often get seen as a Person Who Can Be Useful to Other People Who Don't Want to Give Anything Back. Examples include: wanting me to co-sign on a loan (absolutely not!!), wanting me to babysit kids or pets (kids -- only for extremely close friends and family; pets -- no -- because I've seen situations where the pet got sick/hurt and things got ugly; plus, I'm allergic,) and a multitude other "favors."

I have been taught from a young age not to cosign loans or give large loans. The most I have done is help a few is pay for groceries or other necesseities (not loans), which hasn't happened recently. I have been asked twice to cosign/give a loan (once during college and once more recently). With the college example, I said no and the roomate didn't bring up the topic again and it didn't impact the friendship (we later parted for other reasons much later). With the more recent case, the friend told me that I can afford to give a (rather large, equivalent to a few months of income) loan because I am single and have no major expenses (her assumption). I tried to back away nicely and later had to tell her more directly I don't feel comfortable with it, and I haven't heard from her since. This has been a bad experience and I've been trying to learn more on how to navigate these type of issues. I think a friendship is basically ruined when someone asks for a large loan, regardless of what happens after.

 

[seoulsearch]

I have been taught from a young age not to cosign loans or give large loans. The most I have done is help a few is pay for groceries or other necesseities (not loans), which hasn't happened recently. I have been asked twice to cosign/give a loan (once during college and once more recently). With the college example, I said no and the roomate didn't bring up the topic again and it didn't impact the friendship (we later parted for other reasons much later). With the more recent case, the friend told me that I can afford to give a (rather large, equivalent to a few months of income) loan because I am single and have no major expenses (her assumption). I tried to back away nicely and later had to tell her more directly I don't feel comfortable with it, and I haven't heard from her since. This has been a bad experience and I've been trying to learn more on how to navigate these type of issues. I think a friendship is basically ruined when someone asks for a large loan, regardless of what happens after.

Kudos to you for standing your ground!!

The quickest way for someone to earn a "Please Go Away and Never Talk to Me Again" card from me is to make assumptions about my life and how my situation can benefit them to their liking.

And what I hate most is that the majority of people refuse to look at their own habits first.

I used to work with a girl who freely voiced her assumptions about everyone and everything regarding anyone else. When we were talking about our weekends, I mentioned going to a theme park, and she told me how nice it must be to be rich and have the money to go. She then went on to say that she and her husband had "gone out" on the weekend, spending over $200 and that most of it was "on drinks."

For my day at the theme park, I had a special priced ticket for $40; gas and tolls cost about $20; I brought my own snacks, but ate one meal there for about $20 -- bringing my total to about $80. She and her husband could have afforded the same thing just fine -- they just decided to spend their money differently.

What's more is that she was someone who always had her nails and hair done, always had false eyelashes, etc. Cutting those things out would have freed up a lot more money than what she assumed I had.

We also got to talking about our health, and it turned out we both had the same metabolic disorder for which obesity is one of the top symptoms. But choices still count. She told me, "I'm surprised you're not (really big,)" as she was scheduled for gastric bypass surgery -- and expected that since I had the same thing, I should be that size, too.

Her usual lunch was a fast food meal; I usually brought wheat crackers (a certain amount, counted out,) carrots, and celery.

Now I certainly don't make the best choices all the time (my lunch was sometimes supplemented by goodies from a co-worker who loved to share her baked goods!)

But I also refuse to bend to the will of anyone who criticizes me for choosing differently or expects that I somehow owe them something for that.

I know it's just an allegory, but even in the Biblical story of the ten wise virgins and the ten foolish ones, the wise ones were not required to share with the foolish ones who chose not to make better decisions.

 

[Karlon]

there's a difference from giving & assisting with loans. i don't assist anyone with loans but i do give away money after the source being checked 2 to 3 times & questions asked. once, i let someone borrow $300 & the person actually paid me back when he was supposed to. unbelievable, right? he was a neighbor. i even had doubts. lot's of people don't have money because they waste it & God knows it.

 

[Suze]

I am following two middle-aged/older women on youtube. One is single/never married/no children and lives with multiple pets. The other is married/no children and lives with a pet. Recently both spoke of friendships and offered quite different viewpoints. Essentially, the single woman maintained that life is all about relationships and community, while at the same time acknowledged lack of connection and her difficulties to find and keep friendships. She could be what you describe as "single at heart" as she enjoys being single and expressed no desire to marry. On the contrary, the married woman expressed that she is perfectly content with her husband and pet and doesn't need friends (she also admitted, even lamented, that she has no friends). She has the view that one can be happy without and doesn't need friends. Thoughts?

I believe both women are lacking/missing out in some way. One is missing out on spouse and/or kids relationships, and another is missing out on genuine friendship. I understand that not everyone can have every type of relationship, but each type of relationship is different and each offers some aspects/experiences that another type does not. That said, I think one can still be content without having a specific type of relationship unless they focus on the glass half empty. I have usually believed everyone needs/wants friends, but maybe not everyone does like this married woman.

From a Christian perspective, while it may be that we don't need/want friends, we are still obligated to be a good friend to others and engage with others. If someone doesn't want to have any friends, while this is very strange to me as I cannot relate to this, I guess it is possible that they can still be happy and content.

We have to remember that we r all different and we all have different needs and desires . Personally , I have never felt as if I needed friends though I have a few and love them very much . I only have so much time and energy and as I'm not the needy type , I do find that I tend to attract needy types . I also think that as we get older and have a bit more life experience under our belts , we have learned to b a bit discerning and maybe even a bit selfish with regards to how we spend our time and who we spend it with . Sadly , it can also b the case that we have learned to protect ourselves after maybe being hurt or let down by people that we thought were friends but who turned out not to b so . I think that it's also true that people who r only children r more likely to b a bit more self sufficient emotionally and used to being by themselves so that can become a habit that they c no need to break . There r lots of reasons why people might prefer their own company and I think that's fine , just because we don't understand it doesn't give us the right to judge or criticize . I love peace and quiet , I always have , I'm also an only child so , I'm very content when I'm alone and before I married I spent many years living on my own perfectly happily . Each to their own and may God bless us all with whatever we need in this life to stay sane and happy and close to Him .

 

[MsMediator]

I do not seem to have attracted the needy types, generally. Maybe this is untrue, but I find that I typically have to take the initiative in meeting up or calling, or texting. I don't think I am emotionally needy but not sure if I come across that way. I love peace and quiet but feel that I need a strong support system of good friends as I am single.

 

[Meatbag]

Cat people on YouTube are probably not the best source of information here
I can tell you tho'
If you DO work for the justice league
You will know that superheroes do not need friends
Ice guy fights fire dude over cat woman with the daddy issues
Meanwhile, x-ray man lurks and collects extortion material..
You are left alone in all this, yeah?
Busy just doing the work..
When you find others like that you'll have friends

 

[Lynx]

Cat people on YouTube are probably not the best source of information here
I can tell you tho'
If you DO work for the justice league
You will know that superheroes do not need friends
Ice guy fights fire dude over cat woman with the daddy issues
Meanwhile, x-ray man lurks and collects extortion material..
You are left alone in all this, yeah?
Busy just doing the work..
When you find others like that you'll have friends

Pfft! X-ray man, aka Superman, got better things to do than collect material. Batman and The Question are the ones compiling data.

And they would NEVER let Catwoman into the Justice League.

 

[Elizabeth35]

I think it's important to have friends. Looking at Ecclesiastes 4:7-12 it talks about how two are better than one and three are better than two.

I believe God created us to be a part of a community, it doesn't have to be big, but we need people whether we like it or not. Haha!
I can be a bit of a loner so sometimes I'd rather be by myself, but I can't let that go on for too long or it will affect my mental health.

I've had friends for most of my life, but the last few years have been different. I left my church in 2021 and ended up losing all my friends from it. Many of them had left as well and we ended up going in different directions. I do have friends through a hobby I'm involved in, but our friendships are based on that hobby only. I don't have those close friends that I can call up and just chat with or text if I need prayer and vice versa. It's hard not having those relationships anymore and it did bring about some depression.

The bible is full of scripture on relationships and needing each other. I think maybe one of the reasons God made it this way is because He wants us to sharpen each other like iron sharpens iron. If we're on our own then we aren't accountable to anyone, there isn't anyone there to help us, we don't have to humble ourselves for anyone or try to see something from their perspective, and so on.

 

[Suze]

I think it's important to have friends. Looking at Ecclesiastes 4:7-12 it talks about how two are better than one and three are better than two.

I believe God created us to be a part of a community, it doesn't have to be big, but we need people whether we like it or not. Haha!
I can be a bit of a loner so sometimes I'd rather be by myself, but I can't let that go on for too long or it will affect my mental health.

I've had friends for most of my life, but the last few years have been different. I left my church in 2021 and ended up losing all my friends from it. Many of them had left as well and we ended up going in different directions. I do have friends through a hobby I'm involved in, but our friendships are based on that hobby only. I don't have those close friends that I can call up and just chat with or text if I need prayer and vice versa. It's hard not having those relationships anymore and it did bring about some depression.

The bible is full of scripture on relationships and needing each other. I think maybe one of the reasons God made it this way is because He wants us to sharpen each other like iron sharpens iron. If we're on our own then we aren't accountable to anyone, there isn't anyone there to help us, we don't have to humble ourselves for anyone or try to see something from their perspective, and so on.

Any time u want to chat about anything I'm here . I check in most days

 

[Elizabeth35]

Any time u want to chat about anything I'm here . I check in most days

Thanks Suze

 

[Bob47]

I have what might be a dumb question. Since I'm new here and don't know the gender of most of ya'll, I'm wondering if any of you prefer one gender over the other for friendship. I'm obviously male by my name and I have only two very good male friends, one from the military and one from school days. I have never been able to confide in most males whereas I find that relatively easy with a woman. My late wife knew that and had no problems with it. In fact, several of her close friends became my friends. I would say I'm more introverted than anything and don't normally enjoy or have any interest in the so called male activities like hunting, fishing, and certain sports to name just a few. I've lived at my present location under two years and developed friendships with five women, some younger and some older than I. Having serious discussions with any of them about my wife passing, grief, etc is easy whereas I can't do that with a man. Just the way I was made.