8/19/16
I'm going to try to live today with a better attitude than yesterday. And with more patience in waiting for God. And I'll put in that other application. Work upstairs. Do some laundry. Remember to pray when the temptation to worry comes. And if that is the most engaging with life I am able to muster today, then it's better than nothing.
When I begin to feel He is against my survival temporally, I'll pray. When I begin again in unthankfulness, I'll pray. In short, I'll try to do at least a few things today, and I'll try to remember to pray without ceasing.
Maybe my error lies in wanting my circumstance of poverty to end rather than determining to praise Him even if it doesn't...(along the lines of the men in the oven: God will save us from this. And even if He doesn't, we will praise and worship Him anyway.)
I think I should revisit Job, Joseph, Daniel, David. They went through anguish of circumstance and trusted God anyway. Sometimes for years - way more than the five lean years I've been through.
It's kind of funny but many times in the first five years after I met Him I would say: my life seems too easy and it seems something bad must come. I would read the old stories and think something bad has to come because why should I be any different than these other men and women of God?
And then the bad came. Five lean years to counterbalance the five easy years. Bruce found an online girlfriend and wanted a divorce. Felt like I was having an affair after I met God, so went and had his own. Then panic, turning my back on God and going back to the world. Nursing school, grooming school, my last 12,000 from the sale of the house invested in school and then losing the job I found.
But what I call "the bad" is testing of my faith so I can come out victorious. Chambers talked of "providential crises" and I'm convinced this has all been just that. A repeat of the essence of Job but not the extent. And it's not so odd because it's in the smaller scale that I fail so miserably. It's being faithful through a little misery or discomfort that I fail in. In the littler miseries some of self effort or self reliance can grab a corner and hang on tight. Maybe bigger miseries as with Job, bring "rock bottom" quicker...in which case the greater misery would be the greater blessing.
I can't even determine if I've faced temptations, afflictions, attacks, oppressions, or some of all four. It only appears to me as darkness and confusion because His hand feels so heavy on me.
"What I feared has come upon me." This is what I said for five years - that my life seemed too easy. Then what I feared came upon me.
But I should be counting this all joy because faith that is not tested can't grow and can't be proved. In this way, faith is like a muscle. And a muscle doesn't grow unless pressure is put upon it.
Is the thigh muscle the strongest one in the body? I think it must be...and that man wrestled all night until his thigh was put out of joint, in his fighting for a blessing. It took a wounding of HIS strength to receive the blessing of God. And even after, he limped, his own strength lessened.
And in all his wrestlings, he seems not to have known God was with him because he said (and I almost hear a gasp of wonder here), God is here where I wrestled and I didn't even know it!
So he marked the place of his wrestling with an altar and worshiped God there. I think he marked it so that everytime he came to the place of wrestling, he would not forget to praise and worship God and not forget that God is present in our wrestling.
I think he marked the place so he would never forget this: God is present in the wrestling.
I'm going to try to live today with a better attitude than yesterday. And with more patience in waiting for God. And I'll put in that other application. Work upstairs. Do some laundry. Remember to pray when the temptation to worry comes. And if that is the most engaging with life I am able to muster today, then it's better than nothing.
When I begin to feel He is against my survival temporally, I'll pray. When I begin again in unthankfulness, I'll pray. In short, I'll try to do at least a few things today, and I'll try to remember to pray without ceasing.
Maybe my error lies in wanting my circumstance of poverty to end rather than determining to praise Him even if it doesn't...(along the lines of the men in the oven: God will save us from this. And even if He doesn't, we will praise and worship Him anyway.)
I think I should revisit Job, Joseph, Daniel, David. They went through anguish of circumstance and trusted God anyway. Sometimes for years - way more than the five lean years I've been through.
It's kind of funny but many times in the first five years after I met Him I would say: my life seems too easy and it seems something bad must come. I would read the old stories and think something bad has to come because why should I be any different than these other men and women of God?
And then the bad came. Five lean years to counterbalance the five easy years. Bruce found an online girlfriend and wanted a divorce. Felt like I was having an affair after I met God, so went and had his own. Then panic, turning my back on God and going back to the world. Nursing school, grooming school, my last 12,000 from the sale of the house invested in school and then losing the job I found.
But what I call "the bad" is testing of my faith so I can come out victorious. Chambers talked of "providential crises" and I'm convinced this has all been just that. A repeat of the essence of Job but not the extent. And it's not so odd because it's in the smaller scale that I fail so miserably. It's being faithful through a little misery or discomfort that I fail in. In the littler miseries some of self effort or self reliance can grab a corner and hang on tight. Maybe bigger miseries as with Job, bring "rock bottom" quicker...in which case the greater misery would be the greater blessing.
I can't even determine if I've faced temptations, afflictions, attacks, oppressions, or some of all four. It only appears to me as darkness and confusion because His hand feels so heavy on me.
"What I feared has come upon me." This is what I said for five years - that my life seemed too easy. Then what I feared came upon me.
But I should be counting this all joy because faith that is not tested can't grow and can't be proved. In this way, faith is like a muscle. And a muscle doesn't grow unless pressure is put upon it.
Is the thigh muscle the strongest one in the body? I think it must be...and that man wrestled all night until his thigh was put out of joint, in his fighting for a blessing. It took a wounding of HIS strength to receive the blessing of God. And even after, he limped, his own strength lessened.
And in all his wrestlings, he seems not to have known God was with him because he said (and I almost hear a gasp of wonder here), God is here where I wrestled and I didn't even know it!
So he marked the place of his wrestling with an altar and worshiped God there. I think he marked it so that everytime he came to the place of wrestling, he would not forget to praise and worship God and not forget that God is present in our wrestling.
I think he marked the place so he would never forget this: God is present in the wrestling.
