here is something I wrote... it's the first part of a trilogy ... remember this was written back in 93, a great deal has changed..warning: some have called this heart retching.
Good Day My Lover 8-26-93 by Tif [DarlinNadia]
You drifted upon my thoughts this day, as an ocean drifts upon a shore… again and again.
This day I have felt a sense of being content; but, that too danced away, as a butterfly does when it combs a meadow searching to touch only a selected few wildflowers swaying in the breeze.
As I gaze out my window this quiet evening, the chill of the air seems particularly cold, almost as if it is meant to make the lonely feel their loneliness a touch too close to their hearts. I move to my bed, which never seemed so large; and even as I lay myself against my plush green comforter, there still remains a tremendous emptiness.
My only comforts are the vast memories of my many friends I had so many miles away. I often ponder upon whether I shall return to the glorified California race of rats. No!- I should think not of subjecting myself or my son to the consuming hatred California breeds too well.
I cannot find the strength to leave this house on the hill, for one day this house will be mine… My castle; my castle upon the mighty hill; my castle where only those for whom I care shall enter. Those for whom I have only considered; they shall remain below, in the valley. For those who are not considered at all, they shall be kept away as I would see them approaching.
I would conquer the enemy… always to protect my fortress. It has been said “a man’s castle says a lot about the man” Perhaps this is true for I am about to share with you something which will confirm what you already know of me but you often forget.
My castle is strong, for it must protect me from the brutal elements. Yet, the walls are brittle and are in need of repair. As in all castles, there is a chilling draft, this draft will never be warmed, for I no longer have the courage or strength to build a fire. I fear that the wood I may gather would be of a bad forest, a product of its environment. This wood will be very, very dangerous, it will start an all consuming fire… I will not be able to escape! Therefore, I feel as though I must suffer the chill of loneliness rather than be burnt by a violent fire.
A castle proves to be much fun indeed, although I roam the corridors alone. This chill I speak of comes only during the night. The day is filled with the laughter of the court’s jester and the kindness of the servants. Day shows the beauty of the sun glittering against the morning’s dew or casting itself through the clouds upon the meadow of wildflowers during the afternoon. The chaos of the day’s activities is filled with enjoyment.
Once the day fades, once the evening creeps, once the servants have all turned-in, once the court’s jester lay in peaceful slumber, once I am the only one stirring in my castle, it is then I realize how large it is, how much it has to offer, how incredibly chilling that draft is, and how sad for me to have such a beautiful place to live and no king to share it with. Yet, I still refuse to build a fire which would take that chill off.
Although I have spent several nights trying to find the courage enough to build a fire; I have only failed in my efforts.
Why do I stay alone in my cold, brittle castle?
Because my friend, I am scared. It would only take a single flame to burn me and my brittle castle walls could not handle a violent fire. I might find my king a midst the forest, but I would much rather be high up in my castle… safe… away from the brutal elements.
The only protections I have are the walls which I have built to surround me.
