I used to try to get close to God. He just didn't want me close to Him. I even started then to be good enough He would change His mind and want me. Still didn't work. So then when I decide to go my own way, He stops that too. Is this just some cruel joke?
He does love you and want you to be with Him. If He has stopped you from going your own way, that means He has his hand in your life and is trying to get you somewhere that you're not at right now. It would be easier if God had a sign board or something to just tell us what to do instead of making us guess but that's just the way He does it.
I wish you I could somehow impart a little of that heart knowledge to you just so that you'd have peace of mind. Even though you can't see what He's doing in your life or what possible purpose there is for all that has happened to you, there really is. It's not the way
we would make things happen perhaps, but once you come out the other side, you will realize that there could have been no other way.
I have felt every single thing that you've mentioned and more. Trying to remain faithful in your trials and feeling like you are getting dumped on instead of blessed for your efforts. Feeling like God did not hold up His end of the bargain when you were hurting the most, going through trials. Crying out to God and hearing and feeling nothing back. Feeling like there is no the point to praying when you see nothing come of your prayers.
But just as God does a supernatural work on you when you are first saved, He will bring you back to Him when it's time (not when you want it or think that you need it) and you will see and understand it all so much better. For when we thought we were the furthest from Him and even forgotten by Him, that's when He was working the most in us.
I hope you take just a little encouragement from what I tell you. Just hang on there....God has not forsaken you.