Greetings from Depressed-Catholic-Veteran in Virginia

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Solemateleft

Solemateleft

Honor, Courage, Commitment
Jun 25, 2017
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Greetings, I’m a 53 year old catholic-veteran from Virginia and recently learned that my wife is leaving me after 26 years of marriage, and three amazing kids (22, 18, 16). I’ve had my head down working hard my entire life striving to be a good father, husband and provider for my family. I allowed my work and financial stresses to blind me to the severity of my wife’s state of depression and emotional distress.
Now we are in two different places – she is done and ready to move on – while I was blind, but now I see and I am committed to honor the conviction of my vows and unconditional commitment.
“If you love something – set it free…”
I have no choice at this point but to ‘set her free’ praying that she will eventually recover from her depression and find her way back home to my welcoming arms. The realist in me recognizes that she is so far gone at this point that she may not fully recover from her depression (she has suppressed all of our good experiences and all of my good characteristics; fixated only on the negative) – worried that once she leaves the house she will never look back.
She is currently living in the basement, with endless number of friends and social escapes/outlets to aid her during her transition (she is rarely home). Soon, I will be all alone with our 16 year old son, and new puppy. Hoping that this forum may serve to help me during my coping period…
 
Hello Solem, welcome
you have come to the right place
we are so glad to have you here
we are one big family, Im so sorry to hear about your
marriage falling apart, I have been though that already
Its so sad and hard to deal will, Ill be praying for you and your marriage
God Bless you
 
Thank you Tabitha - your considerate response is greatly appreciated.

God Bless you too..
 
Welcome here you can discuss with bible smart people and possibly make new friends,hope you like it here!
 
Awww, your welcome
I know how you feel, my ex left me after 22 years of marriage
and 3 kids...Im still feeling lost and Its been 5 years...ugh
 
You did all that you could but yet is was not enough. How long will she be living in the basement? From what you described it may turn into a welcome relief to get that circus out of your home. Hopefully, you will find comfort, support and understanding from the members of this site. Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.
 
Solemateleft said:
Greetings, I’m a 53 year old catholic-veteran from Virginia and recently learned that my wife is leaving me after 26 years of marriage, and three amazing kids (22, 18, 16). I’ve had my head down working hard my entire life striving to be a good father, husband and provider for my family. I allowed my work and financial stresses to blind me to the severity of my wife’s state of depression and emotional distress.
Now we are in two different places – she is done and ready to move on – while I was blind, but now I see and I am committed to honor the conviction of my vows and unconditional commitment.
“If you love something – set it free…”
I have no choice at this point but to ‘set her free’ praying that she will eventually recover from her depression and find her way back home to my welcoming arms. The realist in me recognizes that she is so far gone at this point that she may not fully recover from her depression (she has suppressed all of our good experiences and all of my good characteristics; fixated only on the negative) – worried that once she leaves the house she will never look back.
She is currently living in the basement, with endless number of friends and social escapes/outlets to aid her during her transition (she is rarely home). Soon, I will be all alone with our 16 year old son, and new puppy. Hoping that this forum may serve to help me during my coping period…
Click to expand...
not to be too assuming but "good characteristics" of yourself sounds a bit selfish,just as the bible says"there is none good not one" I would suggest you analyze yourself too,because so often can one only see themselves instead of their spouses good traits,thinking things like "well I'm good why isn't she?" you see you may have overlooked an important detail of that you haven't considered if you may have not looked to what she wants in the relationship,or perhaps your "view" of things isn't accurate "she" may have done many "good" things for you and has been looking for some appreciation,as you put it "you were blind but now you see" so you may want to at the very least look at "her" point of view,because you see you may have simply waited too long to straighten "yourself" up,and switching the mentality all of a sudden to that "you" worked and did so well probably was the final thorn in her side,I hope God willing that whatever drove you two apart can still be mended or at the very least you "both" "learn" from your relationship,and as I said I'm not trying to be too assuming on "who" split the relationship,in fact "who" may not be the problem but rather "religion" may have been the cause,I've learned not from a relationship but living with relatives or anyone that changing around to "live for God" can change everything whether bad or good,because many don't like to know that they do wrong so when you start doing"right for God" they get confounded and fearful that you will take away their sinful lifestyle that they have cherished for so long,just as a child of God think on both of these aspects and then whether you get back together or not try to grow from this experience,and not dwell on it for your future with God is far more important than a past with anyone!hope this helped.
 
Joe, thanks for your candor and down to earth thoughts and feedback... Yes, I have had much time to reflect and appreciate my role, faults, limitations and failures. As a catholic in pursuit of reconciliation for myself, my wife and our marriage - I have had my eyes opened to recognize and see things from her perspective - to fully grasp all of my faults and failures... After several efforts to reconcile and improve our marriage over the years (marriage counseling, marriage retreats, dynamic catholics seminars, the five agreements, the five love languages, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" - I've grown to recognize my faults-limitations and I've strived to become the best version of me possible.
My wife experienced a severe depression - her story is very complicated - I acknowledge and accept my role in her depression - she also experiences severe separation anxiety (when college aged children depart) - I'm not here to cast blame nor to disparage the woman that I love.
I do have faith, and pray to the lord almighty every day - knowing my fate and the fate of my family is in his hands.
 
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Tourist,
Her ambition is to establish financial independence asap, and move north to be closer to Washington D.C. (future career) and closer to where our daughter will be attending college. Part of her story is that she has been a mutli-tasking stay-at-home Mom (numerous part-time jobs) over the past 22 years.
Ironically, in my efforts to be the best version of me possible, I have assisted her with her resume(s) writing, job searching and personal advice, to include financial... She recently started a new full-time job - still relatively close to home - and I have served as her 'phone-line' to assist her with her spreadsheet questions...
thanks for your feedback and interest.
 
Solemateleft said:
Greetings, I’m a 53 year old catholic-veteran from Virginia and recently learned that my wife is leaving me after 26 years of marriage, and three amazing kids (22, 18, 16). I’ve had my head down working hard my entire life striving to be a good father, husband and provider for my family. I allowed my work and financial stresses to blind me to the severity of my wife’s state of depression and emotional distress.
Now we are in two different places – she is done and ready to move on – while I was blind, but now I see and I am committed to honor the conviction of my vows and unconditional commitment.
“If you love something – set it free…”
I have no choice at this point but to ‘set her free’ praying that she will eventually recover from her depression and find her way back home to my welcoming arms. The realist in me recognizes that she is so far gone at this point that she may not fully recover from her depression (she has suppressed all of our good experiences and all of my good characteristics; fixated only on the negative) – worried that once she leaves the house she will never look back.
She is currently living in the basement, with endless number of friends and social escapes/outlets to aid her during her transition (she is rarely home). Soon, I will be all alone with our 16 year old son, and new puppy. Hoping that this forum may serve to help me during my coping period…
Click to expand...

I'm sorry to hear your marriage is going through a rough patch. Thanks for being so open with us; you'll probably fit in here pretty well.

Hope you have a good time on the site. I'll say a prayer for you.

God bless.
 
Solemateleft said:
Joe, thanks for your candor and down to earth thoughts and feedback... Yes, I have had much time to reflect and appreciate my role, faults, limitations and failures. As a catholic in pursuit of reconciliation for myself, my wife and our marriage - I have had my eyes opened to recognize and see things from her perspective - to fully grasp all of my faults and failures... After several efforts to reconcile and improve our marriage over the years (marriage counseling, marriage retreats, dynamic catholics seminars, the five agreements, the five love languages, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" - I've grown to recognize my faults-limitations and I've strived to become the best version of me possible.
My wife experienced a severe depression - her story is very complicated - I acknowledge and accept my role in her depression - she also experiences severe separation anxiety (when college aged children depart) - I'm not here to cast blame nor to disparage the woman that I love.
I do have faith, and pray to the lord almighty every day - knowing my fate and the fate of my family is in his hands.
Click to expand...

Hello Mate.. my name is Dan, it is nice to meet you! Obviously after hearing your story one with a pulse would be sympathetic, but, being I have journeyed a similar road in my life, I am struck with empathy as well. I will pray for the both of you. One thing I experienced was how God used all of it to draw me ever so tight to Himself, while she chose to cast Him aside and cement herself in the world. In other words we all have two choices in a crisis: To flee God, or to draw closer to Him. My prayer is that you allow Him to draw you closer, giving you new revelations along the way, and for your will to align with His all the more so.

You and I come from different theological premises, hence, different cultural backgrounds, but in either backgrounds it is still true that when one grieves one needs to mourn a loss. And what they need most at that stage is comforting support and affirmation. So there is a timing factor here the Lord would have us note.

I pray you can find friends here that will give you that kind of fellowship.Those whom will grieve with you; Celebrate with you;share virtual coffee with you, whom will give you a virtual-real nod and a shoulder hand hug with eye contact and words unspoken of encouragement. A person whom won't need to say anything other than, "Hey, mate," without being Australian. :rolleyes:.

My Bible tells me, where I have been comforted, where I have been shown love - show it to those who also need it as well. God is in both of our midsts even despite our different doctrines, yet to feel the hand of God in another's life casts out indifferences for that moment. I would love to support you anytime. And even discuss and discover our Lord's relationship together as well as God so opens that door.

In other words, right now, I won't put a "Happy Bible Verse" in your path simply to bandage what God is walking thru in you in the deeper works of His Cross, but in time those healing Words, and Character building Words and guidance of His will make you stronger, and humble, and pliable to Him renewing you to wholeness once more, forged in your New Man's Character. But, you know that already! Hang in there with God. I liked the "open door" policy in your marriage, now if it is possible in Christ, I encourage you to keep investing in it in His strength until the door is closed and if it is to close forever, walk on with God and love your children. There are stages to all this, so run to, and stay close to your Lord in each one!

God's got your back, you have His Word on it, and we also have your back in support as well thru fellowship. Welcome again, brother. May God richly bless you!

Ecclesiastes tells us there is a time for everything, and in everything there is a time - and there is this time for you of drudgery in keeping in step with your spirit, practically speaking. I pray Our Lord will give you His vision in all of this; to be inspired and uplifted to stand in good stead in the drudgery of discipline in Christ's love. The temptation is to say, "But my grief is so great I despise this discipline!"; thus, casting doubt and sullenness to seed itself. Stand against the enemy using your Armor, and let God walk in to claim His victory once again. As you pass thru this wall of experience; He will fight this fight for you, lay claim and effort to that fact. I pray the same for her as well.

 
Last edited:
Thanks Dan,
you have definitely provided very welcoming and encouraging words of wisdom. I am grateful for your time, consideration, empathy and enlightenment... I have come to realize that when others show me compassion - how much I have missed having such reciprocation for so long...
Your willingness to extend such grace is not lost on me - for that I am immensely grateful.

semper fi...
 
Solemateleft said:
Greetings, I’m a 53 year old catholic-veteran from Virginia and recently learned that my wife is leaving me after 26 years of marriage, and three amazing kids (22, 18, 16). I’ve had my head down working hard my entire life striving to be a good father, husband and provider for my family. I allowed my work and financial stresses to blind me to the severity of my wife’s state of depression and emotional distress.
Now we are in two different places – she is done and ready to move on – while I was blind, but now I see and I am committed to honor the conviction of my vows and unconditional commitment.
“If you love something – set it free…”
I have no choice at this point but to ‘set her free’ praying that she will eventually recover from her depression and find her way back home to my welcoming arms. The realist in me recognizes that she is so far gone at this point that she may not fully recover from her depression (she has suppressed all of our good experiences and all of my good characteristics; fixated only on the negative) – worried that once she leaves the house she will never look back.
She is currently living in the basement, with endless number of friends and social escapes/outlets to aid her during her transition (she is rarely home). Soon, I will be all alone with our 16 year old son, and new puppy. Hoping that this forum may serve to help me during my coping period…
Click to expand...

Hey! Welcome bro. :) glad to have you here.
I am not a married woman and would not understand some of the struggles that a married person is going through...but it makes me sad seeing like this kind of post...

I just said a prayer for you and your wife...I pray to God to bless your family... I asked the Lord to touch her heart and guide her back towards you..and heal her with her depression and anxiety... I also ask the Lord to give you strength that you need for you and your family. God will reach out to you and your wife and He would restore back everything. Continue to draw closer to God and ask for guidance Sir Solemateleft During this time HE is the only one that can comfort you. GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY
 
By the way, thank you for your service to our country in being a Semper fi Marine, but an even greater hand salute to you for your spiritual Semper fidelis in being "always faithful" and "always loyal," in Christ. Just wanted to add that....Mate.:).
 
Solemateleft said:
Greetings, I’m a 53 year old catholic-veteran from Virginia and recently learned that my wife is leaving me after 26 years of marriage, and three amazing kids (22, 18, 16). I’ve had my head down working hard my entire life striving to be a good father, husband and provider for my family. I allowed my work and financial stresses to blind me to the severity of my wife’s state of depression and emotional distress.
Now we are in two different places – she is done and ready to move on – while I was blind, but now I see and I am committed to honor the conviction of my vows and unconditional commitment.
“If you love something – set it free…”
I have no choice at this point but to ‘set her free’ praying that she will eventually recover from her depression and find her way back home to my welcoming arms. The realist in me recognizes that she is so far gone at this point that she may not fully recover from her depression (she has suppressed all of our good experiences and all of my good characteristics; fixated only on the negative) – worried that once she leaves the house she will never look back.
She is currently living in the basement, with endless number of friends and social escapes/outlets to aid her during her transition (she is rarely home). Soon, I will be all alone with our 16 year old son, and new puppy. Hoping that this forum may serve to help me during my coping period…
Click to expand...
***(praying) and greetings from Texas***keep praying---when my dad and I were involved in the Catholic Church we started watching the 700 Club on T.V----they believe in miracles...
 
Really sorry about what you're currently going through. Just bear in mind that your fellow brethrens in Christ will keep praying for you. It's well. Stay strong!
 
Solemateleft said:
Greetings, I’m a 53 year old catholic-veteran from Virginia and recently learned that my wife is leaving me after 26 years of marriage, and three amazing kids (22, 18, 16). I’ve had my head down working hard my entire life striving to be a good father, husband and provider for my family. I allowed my work and financial stresses to blind me to the severity of my wife’s state of depression and emotional distress.
Now we are in two different places – she is done and ready to move on – while I was blind, but now I see and I am committed to honor the conviction of my vows and unconditional commitment.
“If you love something – set it free…”
I have no choice at this point but to ‘set her free’ praying that she will eventually recover from her depression and find her way back home to my welcoming arms. The realist in me recognizes that she is so far gone at this point that she may not fully recover from her depression (she has suppressed all of our good experiences and all of my good characteristics; fixated only on the negative) – worried that once she leaves the house she will never look back.
She is currently living in the basement, with endless number of friends and social escapes/outlets to aid her during her transition (she is rarely home). Soon, I will be all alone with our 16 year old son, and new puppy. Hoping that this forum may serve to help me during my coping period…
Click to expand...

I would like to thank you for your service. And let you know that you and your family will be in my prayers.
 
Hey brother.

It's not very often I say this, but I'm very touched by your story. I can see how something like that could happen to anyone, life being the way it is.

Welcome. And I do pray that things turn a corner whether it is by change from without or a renewed peace from within.

Blessings.
 
Hi. I do feel your plight and I can see that it has affected you more. You're in the primary stage of loss whereas she passed that point, based upon the descriptions. What is likely happening is that you will keep on blaming yourself. You tried. You really did. My suggestion to you is to start dating again. Or certainly socializing at least. You know yourself that if you dont make the effort, months will turn into years. May I suggest visiting churches located outside of your area so to meet new people. I, personally, would change everything so you regained self-belief and worth. Look upon it this way. Since the 1950's, half of all marriages failed once children had grown. You both tried. You were the family man. Now, it's time to concentrate upon yourself so you FEEL as if you're back in control. Before you know it, you'll be living again.
 
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