Have You Ever Ended a Relationship Because of Who Your In-Laws Would Be? (Another Secret Marrieds Don't Mention?)

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

With all the talk about dating and marrying in the forum, I've been thinking about some of the reason I am NOT married -- and specifically why I turned down some opportunities in the past.

I'm certainly not someone who gets flooded with marriage proposals but guys I've dated HAVE brought it up in the past, and was over many years, so not very often at all. But in most cases, I hesitated, prayerfully thought if over, and then bowed out because I knew that trying to blend our families would be an uphill battle (culture differences, personalities, etc.) In fact, it already was, even in just a dating situation.

Now I can admit that I'm a bit biased towards my own parents. While they're certainly not perfect, they raised me in a Christian whom with an emphasis on work and frugality, while also being understanding and encouraging to be my own person. Saying yes would have meant marrying into families that would have been very controlling and demanding in ways I couldn't see myself tolerating, and, unless we moved to a completely different state, they would have insisted on inserting themselves into our lives. Even if we would have been able to move, some family members would have gotten bus tickets trying to follow us, demanding we support them once they got there.

To make these long stories short, I didn't feel comfortable with these scenarios and while the gentleman involved each time was a wonderful person, I had to look at the situation as a whole, and prayerfully conclude that I could not handle this for the rest of my life. I don't think God was telling in any case that it was what He wanted for me, and if I missed the boat, I'm sure He's dealing with me over it.

One of the things that led me to those decisions was because I had seen, met, and heard from others who were dealing with traumatic in-law situations, even if their marriage was wonderful. We all know how rare it is to find someone who is happily married -- happily married with heavenly in-laws (or ex-spouses and their families) on all sides of the family? I'm sure they probably exist, but I'm guessing, are the rarest of unicorns.

This is something else I never hear married people who want other singles to marry talk to us about (bless their hearts, I know they're trying to help.) But sometimes I find out later that they themselves are dealing with some VERY challenging family situations, and I wish they would tell me more about how they handle it in a Godly manner.

I'm always thinking:

* If they could go back and knew what they did now, would they have still gotten married?

* Did they feel their love with their spouse would just overcome all these obstacles -- and how did that work out?

* Have they have to move/make major life changes/repeatedly clash with/stand up to difficult family members? How has that affected their marriage?

* Did they think they could handle it early on, but found themselves in over their heads?

Of course I know none of us can fully prepare for every situation, but I do feel that if marrieds talked to us about such things instead of just looking to get married, it would help give us a much more rounded view of what marriage takes. I've heard some lovely situations in which in-laws gave someone a family in a way they've never had before. How common is this?

I know some will say I shouldn't have let a family situation interfere with my decision to marry, but when it was already such an incredible source of grief within the dating situation (relatives always asking for money while refusing to work themselves, etc.,) I personally felt it would have been more foolish to ignore the restlessness in my spirit and just barge ahead.

I think a lot of non-singles just assume singles are single (especially when we're older) for frivolous reasons. I'd like to think that some of my decisions to NOT get married when I had the chance were made out of very rational (and God-led) reasoning. But maybe I'm fooling myself.

How about the rest of you?

Married or single, I'd like to hear your views/experiences with what are, or could have been, marital situations with in-laws that... could have used a little extra blessing.

 

[GaryA]

I think a lot of non-singles just assume singles are single (especially when we're older) for frivolous reasons. I'd like to think that some of my decisions to NOT get married when I had the chance were made out of very rational (and God-led) reasoning. But maybe I'm fooling myself.

No, dear - I do not believe you are fooling yourself; rather, I think you realize that - today - there are many more justifiable reasons than frivolous ones - and that - caution is wise in any-and-every case.

 

[Lynx]

Beats me. You've been asking questions I have no idea what the answer to them is.

But I'mma be very interested in the replies you get in this thread and also in the other thread you just started.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

I did have a relationship where my then gfs parents strongly disliked me. Despite claiming to be Christians they were quite un-Christian towards me.
That relationship did not work out and I believe they played a part in influencing my gf, turning her against me.

But had another relationship where my gfs mother was a pretty rotten and selfish person. But she really had zero effect on our relationship. My gf then learned to not tolerate her mother and had no problem getting her out of her life.
She reconnected with her years later, but eventually she kicked her out of her life again. None of this had any bearing on me.

So there's two different examples of how possible in laws were no good, and two different ways in which it was handled. It really comes down to how the person you're with handles them and what they are, or are not, willing to do to end problems with them.

I'd say my own parents were good at accepting people I dated. And my siblings spouses.
The relationship with the woman whose parents disliked me, my parents were also not fond of the relationship. Yet you'd not know it by the way they treated her. I recall my mom even hugging her at one point.

So there's also an example of acceptance by potential in laws.

 

[HealthAndHappiness]

Let's see....

I had a highschool/ college sweetheart who's parents were racists and wanted their daughter to marry a Filipino physician.
I broke up with her when she admitted to lying about being a Christian after I cast a demon out of her.

I had two girlfriends, (not at the same time) both talented lovely blonds, who's older sisters dominated and led their passive feminine sisters. The older sister thing must be a trend. The Thing in common was that the oldest sisters were bossy butch types and my girlfriends were feminine. The sisters were easily manipulated by the butches. I pay attention to this now so I don't make those same mistakes. I look to see if there are daddy issues and if there are other family members who exert inappropriate control over her. I'm masculine so I won't share my leadership with the other family members.
She better be able to leave and cleave. If she can't, then there's problems that are too ingrained to try to change. I'm never going to undo a lifetime of bad parenting either.

I treat her family as a blessing. If they turn out to be a curse, I won't waste any more time with that lady as a potential marriage prospect. That is after the obvious fact that nobody is perfect. We are all sinners and hopefully saved by grace. There are a few important non-negotiables though.

 

[timemeddler]

Let's see....

I look to see if there are daddy issues and if there are other family members who exert inappropriate control over her. I'm masculine so I won't share my leadership with the other family members.
She better be able to leave and cleave. If she can't, then there's problems that are too ingrained to try to change. I'm never going to undo a lifetime of bad parenting either.

.

big one.

 

[MsMediator]

I agree in-law situations could definitely cause a lot of stress (I haven't been in this situation). I think if you place your spouse as priority, things flow into place. I love the movie Only the Lonely with John Candy; he loves someone his mother dislikes, and the mother tries to control the son. The son has to choose between the girl (his wife) and his mother, and had to set some boundaries. If the parents don't like the spouse, it is tough but one has to set boundaries even cut off ties if the parents are being unreasonable. About caregiving, there is nothing really fun about that and it is a lot of work. I think both spouses need to evaluate what they can handle, and some compromises will have to be made from all parties. If I have to care for both my parents AND in-laws, that will be a lot of work and stress. However, the couple would hopefully be together for a few decades after the parents pass so that is something to keep in mind. I would not let the earlier years of caretaking of parents/in-laws put a stop to that.

 

[MsMediator]

I would make it clear that my husband chooses me over his parents/his side of the family. Let's say the parents do not like the son's wife, it is up to the son to resolve with this with the parents and not get the wife involved; he should keep her out of this and not let her be subject to this trauma. They are his parents/problem. I think it is wonderful if one has great relations with in-laws, but if that not possible being cordial and showing up for the holidays (if that) is sufficient. I would be very cautious about helping in-laws financially or getting involved with money matters.

 

[Lynx]

I could make a country song...

I'm on the outs with my inlaws
Cause they done outed me

But both "on the outs" (we hate each other) and "outed" (they told a secret I didn't want them to tell) are quite archaic and nobody would understand the song.

 

[HealthAndHappiness]

I agree in-law situations could definitely cause a lot of stress (I haven't been in this situation). I think if you place your spouse as priority, things flow into place. I love the movie Only the Lonely with John Candy; he loves someone his mother dislikes, and the mother tries to control the son. The son has to choose between the girl (his wife) and his mother, and had to set some boundaries. If the parents don't like the spouse, it is tough but one has to set boundaries even cut off ties if the parents are being unreasonable. About caregiving, there is nothing really fun about that and it is a lot of work. I think both spouses need to evaluate what they can handle, and some compromises will have to be made from all parties. If I have to care for both my parents AND in-laws, that will be a lot of work and stress. However, the couple would hopefully be together for a few decades after the parents pass so that is something to keep in mind. I would not let the earlier years of caretaking of parents/in-laws put a stop to that.

There's a lot of wisdom in your words.
It shows how important those interfacing relationships are. It's seems that some of the Asian cultures figured it out in general, more than the west.

There are a lot of challenges with care taking, no doubt. Since women's liberation, the family unit has fragmented and the nursing home industry has flourished. Strangers in assisted living and nursing care typically are very poor substitutes for children and their spouses. By the time the grandchildren see the examples their parents set, it will be like Canada in the USA. Biblical sociology shows what we have to look forward to as Christians in our nation.

 

[JohnDB]

The in-laws....
Usually there's some sort of tension there and handling it is partially dependent upon how well your spouse sets boundaries with them.

If you or your spouse prioritize them over your relationship....it's the death of the marriage. And where you might end up with one of the parental units living with you at some point due to old age....it's not necessarily a horrible thing. It's about boundaries being set properly to begin with.

Of course there always exists the donkey sibling. The parents are always going to say something stupid and hang their hat on a silly notion. Of course there a difference in how your household operates from either parents.

BUT

When your household is harmed by financial or other intrusions of demands placed....that's when families are not welcome anymore. You can't bankrupt your family to save your parent's farm. You can't go live with a sick sister, brother, parent, aunt, or uncle, cousin/nephew because it's not going to work out. A week here and there is one thing....a month? Nope yourself outta there. The sick one can either come to you or not get your help at all. And the sick one needs to respect the fact THEY are the guest....not a parent anymore and to refrain from parenting.

 

[Lynx]

You can't go live with a sick sister, brother, parent, aunt, or uncle, cousin/nephew because it's not going to work out. A week here and there is one thing....a month? Nope yourself outta there. The sick one can either come to you or not get your help at all. And the sick one needs to respect the fact THEY are the guest....not a parent anymore and to refrain from parenting.

Weeeeeeell...

I WOULD say that my grandmother would disagree.

But then I remember this thread is about married people, which I am not. And it's probably a good thing I'm single, for this particular time. Dunno how I'd manage it if I was married.

 

[seoulsearch]

I am appreciating all the wisdom in the replies.

I can certainly understand why the men in the audience would see any "daddy issues" a woman has as giant red flags.

Funny thing, I've almost always had the most trouble with the mothers. Mothers always seem to love me (boring Christian gal who doesn't drink, has never smoked or done drugs,) BUT, as soon as they see me as competition for their little boy's attention or if I don't agree with them, I am immediately the enemy.

It's kind of like a lot of the guys I attract. I often seem to attract men who are halfway in the world while halfway wanting to settle down and be a good Christian. They love the idea of a meager Christian wife who will lovingly support and understand them through any endeavor, no matter how drunk or how extreme the raw, naked hard-core pornographic images they like to watch on their screens are getting. And so they're torn between wanting to hold on to a good girl to take care of them (but never cause too much of a fuss,) while maintaining a part of their bad boy life.

It's pretty much the same thing with the mothers I've run into. They want a nice Christian girl to proudly display as their daughter-in-law who will patiently soothe their son through any bad choices, but they don't want her to think too much on her own, have her own opinions (especially that they don't agree with,) or, God forbid, might talk their son into a choice they don't approve of (moving further away from her for a job, etc.)

Apparently there is a trending topic on social media right now called "Toxic Boy Moms." Things like women saying, "I'm teaching my son to cook so he won't be impressed by your frozen Stouffer's lasagna."

The anthem poster I always see when this subject is brought up is of a woman who looks like one of the Real Housewives (beautiful, but in a very expensive way,) and has jumped into her son's arms at a football game, wrapping her lower body around his waist to the point where he has to hold her up, and kissing him squarely on the lips. It's such a nausea-inducing picture that I personally consider it too inappropriate to post here.

The message is clear: "I Want My Boy To Cherish Me As the #1 Woman in His Life Forever in Every Way, and You Must Always Take Second Place (or Whatever Leftovers I Let You Have.)"

NO THANK YOU (unless he can stand up to her continuously and we move far, far away from her.)

I've ended more than one dating situation due to insecure moms who like the idea of a daughter-in-law for show, but in reality, can't stand the thought of anyone getting between her and her precious little boy.

 

[Lynx]

I dunno... I wouldn't be impressed by Stouffer's lasagna either.

I'd eat it though. Food doesn't have to be impressive to be edible.

 

[JohnDB]

I am appreciating all the wisdom in the replies.

I can certainly understand why the men in the audience would see any "daddy issues" a woman has as giant red flags.

Funny thing, I've almost always had the most trouble with the mothers. Mothers always seem to love me (boring Christian gal who doesn't drink, has never smoked or done drugs,) BUT, as soon as they see me as competition for their little boy's attention or if I don't agree with them, I am immediately the enemy.

It's kind of like a lot of the guys I attract. I often seem to attract men who are halfway in the world while halfway wanting to settle down and be a good Christian. They love the idea of a meager Christian wife who will lovingly support and understand them through any endeavor, no matter how drunk or how extreme the raw, naked hard-core pornographic images they like to watch on their screens are getting. And so they're torn between wanting to hold on to a good girl to take care of them (but never cause too much of a fuss,) while maintaining a part of their bad boy life.

It's pretty much the same thing with the mothers I've run into. They want a nice Christian girl to proudly display as their daughter-in-law who will patiently soothe their son through any bad choices, but they don't want her to think too much on her own, have her own opinions (especially that they don't agree with,) or, God forbid, might talk their son into a choice they don't approve of (moving further away from her for a job, etc.)

Apparently there is a trending topic on social media right now called "Toxic Boy Moms." Things like women saying, "I'm teaching my son to cook so he won't be impressed by your frozen Stouffer's lasagna."

The anthem poster I always see when this subject is brought up is of a woman who looks like one of the Real Housewives (beautiful, but in a very expensive way,) and has jumped into her son's arms at a football game, wrapping her lower body around his waist to the point where he has to hold her up, and kissing him squarely on the lips. It's such a nausea-inducing picture that I personally consider it too inappropriate to post here.

The message is clear: "I Want My Boy To Cherish Me As the #1 Woman in His Life Forever in Every Way, and You Must Always Take Second Place (or Whatever Leftovers I Let You Have.)"

NO THANK YOU (unless he can stand up to her continuously and we move far, far away from her.)

I've ended more than one dating situation due to insecure moms who like the idea of a daughter-in-law for show, but in reality, can't stand the thought of anyone getting between her and her precious little boy.

As a professional fine dining chef....
I cook better than even my narcissistic mother...upset her something fierce when anyone mentioned it. I could put out more food better than she ever dreamed.
Of course I've cooked better than my spouse ever dreamed of as well as her parents.

Doesn't mean that I don't eat microwaved chicken nuggets (stouffers lasagne is great by comparison) when I don't have time to cook and I need to eat.

 

[Lynx]

As a professional fine dining chef....
I cook better than even my narcissistic mother...upset her something fierce when anyone mentioned it. I could put out more food better than she ever dreamed.
Of course I've cooked better than my spouse ever dreamed of as well as her parents.

Doesn't mean that I don't eat microwaved chicken nuggets (stouffers lasagne is great by comparison) when I don't have time to cook and I need to eat.

If only Johnny boy could see my post! Saying the same thing I said... He would be mortified!