How Can We Help, Prevent, and Stop the Abuse of Men in Relationships?

[seoulsearch]

I'm an abused husband in the physical and verbal categories, and my wife has had at least a few affairs. I chose to stay married even though I could divorce Biblically. Because I can doesn't mean I should. My wife pretended to be a Believer before I married her. I'll leave that to the Lord as to whether or not she's saved. She's got a lot of issues and as my knowledge grew it became easier to forgive. I reckon everything I've been through in my marriage will have helped to develop me into the person I'll be in all of eternity, so I thank God for everything that has happened in my life. I won't go into more detail on this Board as the population seems quite mixed here.

I am truly sorry to hear this.

I have enjoyed the authenticity you put into your posts and am glad you're here with us. I feel very sorrowful that you have endured, and continue to bear, this situation, and for so long. It surely speaks volumes to your character that you chose to remain committed to your wedding vows.

I hope that in some small way, we can add a little light to your days and a regular dose of encouragement.

Thank you for courageously sharing your story.

May God bless you for all you have gone through and continue to bravely face.

 

[seekingthemindofChrist]

I was really tempted to say, when I got backlash on the divorce thread, that maybe the divorced men were afraid I was hurting their chances with Lanolin, but she doesn't seem very interested in marriage.... based on my own observations.

Btw, I only recently (like within the last 30 minutes) read some of the first page on your divorce thread, and I definitely believe that some of the backlash you received was way out of line. In fact, the little bit that I read confirmed something that I recently said on this thread. Again, it seems to me that some people here get all bent out of shape if somebody has the audacity to post scriptures that are pertinent to the topic at hand, and on a Christian site, no less.

You have no idea how many conversations in different sub-forums here I have either avoided altogether or quickly dropped out of because I heavily sensed, discerned, or perceived a very real aversion to the word of God. Of course, people will deny having the same, but, as the old expression goes, "the proof is in the pudding".

To add to something that I said before, my number one problem, without a doubt, as a Christian man who would be interested in possibly dating a Christian woman is that I am actually a Christian. In other words, as soon as I start suggesting things like having a Bible study together, or as soon as I start talking about the lost and my burden for them...well, suddenly they are busy for the rest of their lives. Of course, this is only one man's experience, but it definitely has been my experience for years.

You show me a woman who has no desire to discuss God's word and who has no care for the lost, and I will show you a woman that I have no interest in whatsoever.

Not that anybody cares, mind you, but I am just saying...

 

[seekingthemindofChrist]

So, I am at the place in my life where I know what I am trying to say, yet also consciously aware of how my words could easily be misconstrued because people really do not know me.

With this in mind, I just want to say something to seoul before I retire for the evening.

I get where you are coming from, and what you mean about life's nuances. Even in what I said earlier about God knowing the answers, I could easily understand how someone might read that as me basically saying, "Hey! Here is God's band-aid! Just put it on, and shut up!", but that is not what I was trying to say. There are people who I have literally been trying to help for decades. In other words, it is not enough to just quote some scriptures to people. Instead, we need to be willing to roll up our sleeves and get our hands dirty, in a figurative sense, or we need to be willing to give of our time, energy, and possibly even our resources, in order to genuinely help people at times.

I am not even sure where I am going with this (I should be sleeping, and not posting), but what I am trying to say is that I mean you no offense whatsoever. I actually was consciously aware when you were not posting, and I missed seeing you around here, and I believe that I did reach out to you once in your absence. I also think that you pose good questions or raise good topics for discussion. However, i also believe, based upon certain things that you have shared or explained, that you have been either hurt or unjustly judged in the past, and I think that, sometimes, when someone here posts something with good intentions, it sort of triggers a bad memory in you, and you might see that person's intentions as being bad. Like in the case of presidente's OP on the "divorce" thread.

Anyhow, I like you, I am not judging you, and I hope you do not unleash the flying monkeys on me...lol. I truly like to know what makes people tick, and I appreciate your transparency on these threads. If I have caused you any unintentional offense, then I am truly sorry.

I need to go to bed.

Good night.

 

[seoulsearch]

So, I am at the place in my life where I know what I am trying to say, yet also consciously aware of how my words could easily be misconstrued because people really do not know me.

With this in mind, I just want to say something to seoul before I retire for the evening.

I get where you are coming from, and what you mean about life's nuances. Even in what I said earlier about God knowing the answers, I could easily understand how someone might read that as me basically saying, "Hey! Here is God's band-aid! Just put it on, and shut up!", but that is not what I was trying to say. There are people who I have literally been trying to help for decades. In other words, it is not enough to just quote some scriptures to people. Instead, we need to be willing to roll up our sleeves and get our hands dirty, in a figurative sense, or we need to be willing to give of our time, energy, and possibly even our resources, in order to genuinely help people at times.

I am not even sure where I am going with this (I should be sleeping, and not posting), but what I am trying to say is that I mean you no offense whatsoever. I actually was consciously aware when you were not posting, and I missed seeing you around here, and I believe that I did reach out to you once in your absence. I also think that you pose good questions or raise good topics for discussion. However, i also believe, based upon certain things that you have shared or explained, that you have been either hurt or unjustly judged in the past, and I think that, sometimes, when someone here posts something with good intentions, it sort of triggers a bad memory in you, and you might see that person's intentions as being bad. Like in the case of presidente's OP on the "divorce" thread.

Anyhow, I like you, I am not judging you, and I hope you do not unleash the flying monkeys on me...lol. I truly like to know what makes people tick, and I appreciate your transparency on these threads. If I have caused you any unintentional offense, then I am truly sorry.

I need to go to bed.

Good night.

I appreciate the time and effort you took to write this, Seeking.

I would write more but like you, I am way past my prime for the day and it would all come out like a bunch of gibberish anyway.

We certainly all have been through things -- hopefully we can help each other through together. I do greatly appreciate your kindness in checking up on me. My close friends here know that many times when I am writing the most, I am sometimes at my most anxious, but I know God has it under control.

You seem like an extremely sincere, genuine person when it comes to helping people, and while I'm sure we'll disagree at times (what fellow Christians don't,) I know you have a lot of wisdom to share.

Thank you again and have a restful evening.

 

[JTB]

Makes me think of the song "Victim of Love" by the Eagles.

I have personally stood on the corner in Winslow Arizona

 

[JTB]

Just out of curiosity, since you feel that you've married down, and in your words, "way down" and "settled," does your wife feel that she married "way up?"

Yes, she absolutely does.

 

[Lanolin]

hmm nobody answered my musing and seouls thread has gone deeper and I cant follow along so will just make another thread

thats alright carry on

I just dont think the thread title can be answered easily as its a bit compilcated and nobodys sepecifically detailing what kind of abuse it is... theres no marriage training program or official screening for potential psychopaths but if you feel in your guts its wrong then dont go there.

Ask God for wisdom and dont get seduced easily...guard your heart

I know many divorcees in church get a rough time when they have been the faithful one and their spouse has cheated/been the unfaithful one.
People often assume they must have done something horrible to drive the other into anothers arms. It could have just been a simple honey I have a headache thing and next minute the spouse thinks well I need another mistress since my wife is not going to give me my conjugal rights kind of thing. I dont know how often they might do this but if you expect a woman to be available to you ALL the time on tap well its not always going to be a honeymoon.

You would think couples would communicate this sort of thing to each other but if they miss a couple of days or weeks or months then what.

 

[jennymae]

I have personally stood on the corner in Winslow Arizona

It’s a girl, by Lord
In a flatbed Ford
Slowing down
To take a look at me

😂

 

[jennymae]

I’m skeptical of women friend zoning men and then be crying on their shoulders over bad boys.

 

[jennymae]

Being a girl raised in the south carries a lot of things, not all of them good, but I believe there’s at least one thing a mother should learn her daughter not to, and that is seeking comfort in male friends. I don’t think that’s a recipe for success. For neither of the two…or three…or however many male friends being around.

 

[Lanolin]

Pillows people, pillows. A man is not a pillow. His shoulders are hard from working all day.

 

[presidente]

Pillows people, pillows. A man is not a pillow. His shoulders are hard from working all day.

Maybe that's a reason some men have shoulders comfortable to cry on. They don't all work all day.

 

[Pipp]

I’m skeptical of women friend zoning men and then be crying on their shoulders over bad boys.

Friend zoning them then waiting till they are actually in a good stable relationship with someone else and then playing the damsel in distress needing her best friend Prince Charming to come save her.... I've seen it RUIN marriages.

 

[presidente]

I have met someone, and we are married, so I'm talking past situations. But, and how do I say this without sounding tacky or offensive, I married down. Way down. In the end I 'settled' because she was the only one to show an interest. But no, we are not equals, in any sense.

In what ways do you feel you are superior to your wife?

 

[presidente]

Friend zoning them then waiting till they are actually in a good stable relationship with someone else and then playing the damsel in distress needing her best friend Prince Charming to come save her.... I've seen it RUIN marriages.

I think some girls kind of like a guy a little, not enough to go all in, but enough to keep him as a second choice, and pull this. Or maybe when they see another girl like him so much, the guy becomes desirable.

I read a bit of 'manosphere' stuff after I read the term and wanted to see what it was about. The pickup artists and other manosphere people call this hypergamy, that women are attracted to men who other women are attracted to. So some guys will go in a bar, chat with other girls, then target the one they are interested in after she has seen other girls be friendly to him.

Avoiding men like this is one of many reasons women should avoid going to bars.

 

[JTB]

In what ways do you feel you are superior to your wife?

In extensive cognitive testing she scored 15% I scored 85. I've never been in debt, she's been bankrupt twice and almost a third time. I consider the alternatives and outcomes before acting, she runs on pure impulse. I periodically seek counsel, she accepts input from no one. I learn from mistakes, she repeats her mistakes endlessly. I break six figures in income, she barely breaks 4. I look at new situations with the intent to learn and experience things, she thinks whatever was good enough for her mom in 1965 is good enough for her now. When a counselor gives me advice I take it to heart and put it to action, she insists she is who she is and isn't going to try to change. When I need her attention I consider if she is busy, she expects me to stop whatever I'm doing at the drop of a hat to handle her issue. We both have a heart for helping people, she takes it to the level of her own detriment while I put reasonable limits on how big a hit assisting will have on us. I pull my own weight and then some, she expects to be carried and entitled in life. I'm a night owl who respects her need to to go to sleep early, she's a morning person who doesn't hesitate to disturb me at 5 am. When I make a promise or commitment I keep it, she makes promises and commitments with absolutely no intention of honoring them. I speak the truth, she says what she thinks the other person wants to hear.

 

[seoulsearch]

In extensive cognitive testing she scored 15% I scored 85. I've never been in debt, she's been bankrupt twice and almost a third time. I consider the alternatives and outcomes before acting, she runs on pure impulse. I periodically seek counsel, she accepts input from no one. I learn from mistakes, she repeats her mistakes endlessly. I break six figures in income, she barely breaks 4. I look at new situations with the intent to learn and experience things, she thinks whatever was good enough for her mom in 1965 is good enough for her now. When a counselor gives me advice I take it to heart and put it to action, she insists she is who she is and isn't going to try to change. When I need her attention I consider if she is busy, she expects me to stop whatever I'm doing at the drop of a hat to handle her issue. We both have a heart for helping people, she takes it to the level of her own detriment while I put reasonable limits on how big a hit assisting will have on us. I pull my own weight and then some, she expects to be carried and entitled in life. I'm a night owl who respects her need to to go to sleep early, she's a morning person who doesn't hesitate to disturb me at 5 am. When I make a promise or commitment I keep it, she makes promises and commitments with absolutely no intention of honoring them. I speak the truth, she says what she thinks the other person wants to hear.

I know they say opposites attract, but how was it that you two wound up marrying?

Or did this become evident long after the wedding?

 

[Lanolin]

I know they say opposites attract, but how was it that you two wound up marrying?

Or did this become evident long after the wedding?

eek, Im a bit curious too

Did you marry based on looks? Or something else.

 

[LightOfMyLife]

Btw, I only recently (like within the last 30 minutes) read some of the first page on your divorce thread, and I definitely believe that some of the backlash you received was way out of line. In fact, the little bit that I read confirmed something that I recently said on this thread. Again, it seems to me that some people here get all bent out of shape if somebody has the audacity to post scriptures that are pertinent to the topic at hand, and on a Christian site, no less.

You have no idea how many conversations in different sub-forums here I have either avoided altogether or quickly dropped out of because I heavily sensed, discerned, or perceived a very real aversion to the word of God. Of course, people will deny having the same, but, as the old expression goes, "the proof is in the pudding".

To add to something that I said before, my number one problem, without a doubt, as a Christian man who would be interested in possibly dating a Christian woman is that I am actually a Christian. In other words, as soon as I start suggesting things like having a Bible study together, or as soon as I start talking about the lost and my burden for them...well, suddenly they are busy for the rest of their lives. Of course, this is only one man's experience, but it definitely has been my experience for years.

You show me a woman who has no desire to discuss God's word and who has no care for the lost, and I will show you a woman that I have no interest in whatsoever.

Not that anybody cares, mind you, but I am just saying...

I think it is very important that people are connecting and have common interests. God should always come first, and don't settle for less. Be not unequally yoked.

 

[Lanolin]

I think some girls kind of like a guy a little, not enough to go all in, but enough to keep him as a second choice, and pull this. Or maybe when they see another girl like him so much, the guy becomes desirable.

I read a bit of 'manosphere' stuff after I read the term and wanted to see what it was about. The pickup artists and other manosphere people call this hypergamy, that women are attracted to men who other women are attracted to. So some guys will go in a bar, chat with other girls, then target the one they are interested in after she has seen other girls be friendly to him.

Avoiding men like this is one of many reasons women should avoid going to bars.

The big issue...if TOO many other men also like your gal and vice versa.
But thats the way it is like some weird fight-to-the-death sport not over a ball but the prize is the gal/guy.

This does not just happen in BARS. It happens in the playground at school. Children as soon as they see others around will do this. Its a popularity contest.