Yes that is the feeling. I am not mad at nobody. I have forgiven those who hurt me a long long time ago. I was never mad, just sad. Now I am grown I see that everybody has their own struggles. Nobody is perfect and I know my mom did the best she could at that time while dealing with her own problems.
Hurting people often hurt other people. I also forgave my dad.
This bible verse means a lot to me: For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12
But that does not take away the feeling of self hate. It's gotten a bit less, but it's still there. It also comes with heavyness. When it was worse I would really get comfort in suicidal thoughts. Knowing if the pain would get too much I could step out. I would think about it al day long and cry all day long. These feelings go deep.
It's like something is broken in me, and I dont know how to heal it completely, nobody can do this for me, but myself. I should be able to, but I can't. I am alive, but I don't feel like it.
I know have to start accepting myself to heal and loving myself but its difficult when you hate yourself.
Oh sister do I ever understand suicidal thoughts, and how they are just there, and how you can't stop them. I had them at least every 5 minutes for 2 solid years, and have heard testimony of a man having them like that for 20. I know hopelessness, I know the weight of the hatred and all that. I know, and I also know the truth now and I know one who offers us a light yolk. I know of one who says he can replace our heart of stone, who can teach us to desire Him, to teach us to forgive. Sister it wasn't until I hit my knees in total defeat, knowing "I can't do it anymore", My way was death, and I knew the good I was capable of, and it was less than "0". I feel to my knees broken and lost, and He picked me back up and made me NEW!!
He made me into a God seeker, He remade me to reflect His glory on this earth, to have Him indwelling me. All those heavy weights you are talking about will fall away in Him sister, but you have to throw your hands up and surrender all to Him. All the hate, all the pain, all the injustice, you can't hold anything back. Seek Him and you will find, knock and the door will be open, ask and you will receive. I pray that you go to Jesus and leave all this hurt and anger behind you, He frees us and calls you to come. All in Jesus name.
), and when I many times a day cringe from a memory of how stupid I've been all my life, I respond with gratitude toward Jesus and the Father for all the blessings They have showered down upon me throughout my life.
