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Hi KerrBear,
Your question is not so simple in that it's not cut and dried. I think the answer is different for everyone. I was married for two years, with him a total of almost five, and 11 years later, I still grieve at times. It used to be more over him as a person, now it's over the fact that I have a failed marriage in my past, which I know God forgives but many Christians are unwilling to overlook.
Everyone's situation is different and God will bring you through different things as you are able to handle, which I'm sure you have experienced or are experiencing. Several years ago, I was serving on a prayer team and for some reason, thought, "We need someone with red hair on our prayer team." Little did I know!!! Before the conference was over, I knew what God was prompting me to do: my husband left me for a woman with red hair, and God was telling me to go to this particular woman on the prayer team, explain my story, and ask her forgiveness for my hatred and bitterness.
My ex left without another word and without turning back. After our court date, he never spoke to me again. He said marriage was hell and he would never do it again. At one time, I very badly wanted a baby but he refused to even consider it. At the time, I did not know another woman was involved so for well over a year, I didn't even know the reason why he left.
You can imagine my shock when someone looked me up last year who knew my ex's family and said, "Hey..." I found out he is living in his dream location, has his dream job, is remarried, very happy, and has at least one baby, and that my beloved father-in-law had passed away (my ex's parents stopped all contact with me as well because that's what my ex wanted--to him, I just didn't exist anymore, and I told a friend... there is something very unnerving about a world in which someone goes from being your spouse one day to being a complete stranger lost in the crowd the next.)
I felt as if I were dying all over again and it tore open a lot of things I thought had passed. But sometimes when a bone is broken and not set right, it has to be rebroken and reset.
I had a few relationships a long time after my divorce that were even worse than my marriage, which is partially why I've been alone for so long (7 years.) I always wonder if love is even possible.
And I know the helpful, well-meaning Christian friends will tell you, "You're not alone, you have God."
Well, married people and those with families have their spouse, children, AND God. I have God all the time, yes, but sometimes that just doesn't help when you come home to an empty house day after day and throw your keys on the table with the loud echo of silence reverberating through the house. I am not trying to downplay other people's challenges and problems at all, but loneliness is in itself an enormous psychological and emotional burden.
Take your time in getting through this--God won't rush you--He may push you to overcome certain hurdles, but He won't shove you through. Tell Him everything and tell Him as often as you feel the need.
He tells us to come to Him and pour out absolutely everything we think and feel, and He never gets tired of listening.
Your question is not so simple in that it's not cut and dried. I think the answer is different for everyone. I was married for two years, with him a total of almost five, and 11 years later, I still grieve at times. It used to be more over him as a person, now it's over the fact that I have a failed marriage in my past, which I know God forgives but many Christians are unwilling to overlook.
Everyone's situation is different and God will bring you through different things as you are able to handle, which I'm sure you have experienced or are experiencing. Several years ago, I was serving on a prayer team and for some reason, thought, "We need someone with red hair on our prayer team." Little did I know!!! Before the conference was over, I knew what God was prompting me to do: my husband left me for a woman with red hair, and God was telling me to go to this particular woman on the prayer team, explain my story, and ask her forgiveness for my hatred and bitterness.
My ex left without another word and without turning back. After our court date, he never spoke to me again. He said marriage was hell and he would never do it again. At one time, I very badly wanted a baby but he refused to even consider it. At the time, I did not know another woman was involved so for well over a year, I didn't even know the reason why he left.
You can imagine my shock when someone looked me up last year who knew my ex's family and said, "Hey..." I found out he is living in his dream location, has his dream job, is remarried, very happy, and has at least one baby, and that my beloved father-in-law had passed away (my ex's parents stopped all contact with me as well because that's what my ex wanted--to him, I just didn't exist anymore, and I told a friend... there is something very unnerving about a world in which someone goes from being your spouse one day to being a complete stranger lost in the crowd the next.)
I felt as if I were dying all over again and it tore open a lot of things I thought had passed. But sometimes when a bone is broken and not set right, it has to be rebroken and reset.
I had a few relationships a long time after my divorce that were even worse than my marriage, which is partially why I've been alone for so long (7 years.) I always wonder if love is even possible.
And I know the helpful, well-meaning Christian friends will tell you, "You're not alone, you have God."
Well, married people and those with families have their spouse, children, AND God. I have God all the time, yes, but sometimes that just doesn't help when you come home to an empty house day after day and throw your keys on the table with the loud echo of silence reverberating through the house. I am not trying to downplay other people's challenges and problems at all, but loneliness is in itself an enormous psychological and emotional burden.
Take your time in getting through this--God won't rush you--He may push you to overcome certain hurdles, but He won't shove you through. Tell Him everything and tell Him as often as you feel the need.
He tells us to come to Him and pour out absolutely everything we think and feel, and He never gets tired of listening.
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C
My divorce was painful and drawn out. I was working a lot, and when at home she was withdrawn. She had new friends, and suddenly there was this guy she was talking to at all hours of the night...which I only found out because she left her phone out and he called at 6 in the morning while she was getting ready for work. Then I found emails about her getting a place and him coming to see her, and love letters. Why she used our shared email,I don't know, unless she wanted me to find them. She left, and no matter what I did, would not quit talking to him. We tried to reconcile six months later....but when I drew the line at her talking to him, that was the end of that. 6 weeks later, she was pregnant with his kid...and now I am alone, and another man has the family I was planning to have. I have turned to God, and honestly the day to day of my life, once I started turning it over to Him, has never been better. But the loneliness and frustration well up sometimes, and it drags out anger, because I should have been able to fix things. It also hurts my self esteem, which was never that high to begin with, because I feel like I am damaged goods, and no one could possibly want me if I screwed up my marriage. I have accepted the blame that is mine, I have forgiven them, and I am finally moving on. But it has taken me two years, and I still worry about her sometimes. I miss the companionship, but as wonderful as marriage was for me then, I can only wonder what a marriage built on a relationship with God will be like. So I strive for contentment as a single, to become the person God is molding me to be, so I am prepared and able to take the role of boyfriend/husband /father, should he choose to bless me with it. I guess that was longwinded, and may not make a lot of sense....but I hope it helps
C
Sorry, in answer to the actual question, most of what I have read or talked to professionals about, say a minimum of two years after the divorce is final is about what it takes to sever most of those connections, and find closure enough to move on. But some people may be more resilient and able to do it quicker.If the marriage was falling apart before the divorce, some people shut down and withdraw to begin grieving then, so you get cases where the day after the divorce they are out dating again like nothing happened....