How to Handle Poor Relationship with Difficult Parents

oopsies · May 23, 2017

Hello, once again, I come to you folks for heartfelt and biblical advice.

I have a poor relationship with my parents and I need to fly home to perform an obligatory annual visit. I really don't want to. In fact, the closer to the week I need to fly back, the more stressed out I am. It's been a year since I moved to the other side of the country and barely talked to them. I couldn't cut off ties (I would've liked to) but I know it isn't biblical to do so. How should I handle the visit?

(I'm not sure what kind of background info you might need and I'd be happy to answer whatever questions that could help frame the situation. It would be especially great if I could hear from parents who have older children and who may have made parenting mistakes in the past - I guess a perspective from the other side.)

Roughsoul1991 · May 23, 2017

Shoveling cow crap is a crappie job, but when your working for the Lord it becomes less of a job and more of a opportunity to shine the light of the Lord.

Colossians 3:23-24New International Version (NIV)

23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, 24 since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

If you renew your mind and conform your everyday actions to the thinking of I am a servant of Jesus everyday 24/7. You will begin to be excited to shovel cow manure/ yearly Dr visits/ meet all of your neighbors/ 8-5 work shift/ visit your parents.

Why the excitement? Because its a new opportunity to share the love of Christ, serve someone, make new friends and potential diciples, be the light in the midst of a dark world.

No matter how bad it can get, God is always bigger and brighter than any dark place you may end up in. Trust in him because we are given a mission in life.

A mission to bring unbelievers to Christ so that their soul will be saved.

Everyday in any circumstance find a way to honor God and give him all the glory.

notuptome · May 23, 2017

oopsies said:

Well I don't care to know all the dirty details but scripture does speak of natural love of children toward their parents. The way scripture describes those who lack this basic love is not praiseworthy.

As a Christian I find it difficult to hate even those who really deserve hate. I am saddened to see families who have such great hardship that they cannot love one another. You have not disclosed if your parents profess to know Christ but I assure you that you have an obligation to God to love them.

We are to love the brethren and we are to love the sinner. Your parents may have failed in their obligations toward you but that is not an excuse for you to fail in your obligation to them in the Lord.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

Depleted · May 23, 2017

oopsies said:

Honor your mother and father. <----the command and the goal.

No escape clause for that, and no details on what that looks like other than that ditty Jesus gave us.

Mark 12:30-31(ESV)

30 And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ 31 The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

Do that, keep doing that, realize that is what we need to do, and what they need to do is out of our hands. And when you get the obvious reaction to all that, (Eeeek! Lord, I just can't), then pray...

a lot!

Because God is the only one who can get us to do what we cannot naturally do.

(Repeat as needed.)

imfinallyfree · May 23, 2017

Maybe your parents aren't as difficult as you think that they are maybe you haven't reached the maturity that will allow you to appreciate that.

oopsies · May 24, 2017

Roughsoul1991 said:

notuptome said:

No, they are only CINOs, more cultural than anything. I did try in the past but they got very angry to the point of yelling/screaming with rage and blaming me about unrelated things. I've since stopped talking about it directly to keep the peace. All I've done is attempt to ask them to read the Bible and to pray together with me. All I can do is hope that their eyes would be opened during these opportunities.

Though you gave me an idea, I could stay two weeks to have them do this with me every night. Two weeks of this is better than nothing.

Edit: I suppose I should not be surprised by their reactions... the reprobate behave in expected ways.

Depleted said:

I follow Reformed teaching and that command is taught in relation to money (like Mark 7:10-13). Not here to debate theology but even if it is in the manner you suggest, where is the line drawn? I doubt I would be required to honour them even when the level of honour required from them is sinful.

Additional context: https://www.reddit.com/r/AsianParentStories/ - mine aren't like some of the really bad ones but it's pretty spot on in many ways.

imfinallyfree said:

Hmmm, not sure. There are certainly things I appreciate now that I didn't when I was younger. The Reddit link above might help contextualising what I'm dealing with.

oldethennew · May 24, 2017

I'm really impressed that you are even paying them a visit - this is
definitely something to be praised for...just concentrate on letting them
see your Love for Christ in your words and actions, and maybe say prayer
at meals if it doesn't offend them, and if it does, then just pray silently...
Jesus won't leave your side for a minute, remember this and it will get you
through anything...

mcubed · May 24, 2017

I am the bastard child of both of my parents. They were married but not to each other when I was conceived. I grew up with my mom hatting me for being a consequence of her choices. I hated my mom up until my 30’s even 15 years or so after being saved I got saved when I was 18. I would say all during that time I forgive you but when push came to shove deep down I had not. Today I love that woman, even sometimes like her but most of all I FORGAVE her and keep doing so, for real…. She is the same woman, nothing about her has changed.
One day, many years ago, I tried to sit down with her and tell her my grievances, in hopes she would change. She looked me in the eye and said, “I have not like you since you were about 4 years old” and I do favor your sister over you but my mom favored my brothers over me so suck it up. That is the way life goes there is just children you do not want. I was going to abort you but your father would not let me and abortions were not legal yet.”

I got up from the table went outside to smoke a cigarette and cried out to G-d. did not even say a word to her. As I was crying I saw my life flash before my eyes, like in a movie, but it was my sin before G-d and in that moment, I understood what I have been forgiven for and I instantly forgave my mother for everything.

I do not know if people need some kind of intervention from G-d the way I had but what I know is that woman has not changed one bit how she treats me. I force her to talk to me, I call her several times a week now, many time just to say I was praying for you, I love you, I have nothing to talk about. She says all the same stuff, and I listen quietly, then I get off the phone and tell G-d she is crazy. My mother has money she can afford her own cell phone. But I pay for my father’s and step mothers wo do not have money, so I told my mom I would put her on my account too. She did not want to but I told here if I can pay for there’s I can pay for yours you are my mother. I did this to honor her. She does not need it but I sure do.

The point is every way I could find to honor my mother I have, but never until I forgave her for her shortcomings as my mother.

Today the woman that drives me crazy, that I hated…. I love and honor my mommy…. It only comes from G-d…..

oopsies · May 24, 2017

mcubed said:

I am the bastard child of both of my parents. They were married but not to each other when I was conceived. I grew up with my mom hatting me for being a consequence of her choices. I hated my mom up until my 30’s even 15 years or so after being saved I got saved when I was 18. I would say all during that time I forgive you but when push came to shove deep down I had not. Today I love that woman, even sometimes like her but most of all I FORGAVE her and keep doing so, for real…. She is the same woman, nothing about her has changed.
One day, many years ago, I tried to sit down with her and tell her my grievances, in hopes she would change. She looked me in the eye and said, “I have not like you since you were about 4 years old” and I do favor your sister over you but my mom favored my brothers over me so suck it up. That is the way life goes there is just children you do not want. I was going to abort you but your father would not let me and abortions were not legal yet.”

I got up from the table went outside to smoke a cigarette and cried out to G-d. did not even say a word to her. As I was crying I saw my life flash before my eyes, like in a movie, but it was my sin before G-d and in that moment, I understood what I have been forgiven for and I instantly forgave my mother for everything.

I do not know if people need some kind of intervention from G-d the way I had but what I know is that woman has not changed one bit how she treats me. I force her to talk to me, I call her several times a week now, many time just to say I was praying for you, I love you, I have nothing to talk about. She says all the same stuff, and I listen quietly, then I get off the phone and tell G-d she is crazy. My mother has money she can afford her own cell phone. But I pay for my father’s and step mothers wo do not have money, so I told my mom I would put her on my account too. She did not want to but I told here if I can pay for there’s I can pay for yours you are my mother. I did this to honor her. She does not need it but I sure do.

The point is every way I could find to honor my mother I have, but never until I forgave her for her shortcomings as my mother.

Today the woman that drives me crazy, that I hated…. I love and honor my mommy…. It only comes from G-d…..

Hmmm, liking them is definitely not something I do. I just tolerate and perform the expected duties. Definitely don't like them but I don't hate them either. I guess the liking part will have to be something for me to wait for down the road since it's not something I can achieve on my own. I did have the "talk" though and they apologised for a bunch of things. But then a couple weeks later, they reneged. It's the mind games... I just don't know what to believe. Definitely nothing like what you went through though.

So I guess, should I just smile, nod, bite my lower lip, etc. for now?

Silverwings · May 24, 2017

There are several good books available on toxic people, they really helped me at one time , maybe they will help you too. May God bless and keep you and share his wisdom with you, and may he soften their hearts , and bring them into the fold. Amen.

Rockrz · May 25, 2017

If they are not living, acting, and speaking as believers... just treat them as though they were un-believers

Christians don't try to push their thoughts and beliefs on un-believers unless they indicate they are open to talking about it, so do that and otherwise be as nice as you can with them.

I know you ultimately love them so just ignoring them is not the answer.

However unpleasant it may be... the Lord needs you to walk upright before Him... before them because He needs your testimony as part of Hos plan to bring them in closer to Himself. Frequently Christians are called in to unpleasant situations to be God's agent on the scene so He can work thru them to plant, water, or harvest.

If you walk upright before your parents... eventually something will happen where they need you cause... they always be something happening, and someday they will call you because they will know you stand for that which is right which is... walking with the Lord.

Angela53510 · May 25, 2017

I have an excellent relationship with my own children, but I went through a lot with my parents, too!

First, you need to pray for your parents every day. Bring your worries, resentments and fears, hurts and problems about your parents to God. But mostly pray for the healing touch of God in their lives.

The only way to do this is forgive them. This might not be easy. I don't know what they have done to you specifically, but this has to be an essential goal. Pray the Holy Spirit will supernaturally strengthen your spirit to enable you to find this forgiveness.

Second, you have posted a link to the issues of growing up in a Chinese culture. Try and understand that your parents didn't chose this route, any more than you did. Understand that they were probably were wounded by their parents and their cultural upbringing. The question is whether you can break this cycle with the power of God? Certainly, you have removed yourself from their immediate presence to protect yourself. There is nothing wrong with that, I did it too! But God made me keep in touch, and keep on loving and praying for them.

Third, you need to grow up. I don't say that to disparage you, but because when parents have constantly demeaned, demanded, criticized, it leaves you very vulnerable. You have to find that transforming power of God and relate from a position of strength. Not your own strength, but the strength of Christ who dwells in you.

In my life, these things helped heal my relationship with my parents. I was privileged to lead my father to the Lord, and God totally changed him, healed our relationship before he died. I help care for my mom who is 87, only today looking into assisted living and getting her assessed cognitively. I pray you will stop thinking of yourself as a child and become a parent to yourself, and seek God the Father as your other parent. And God bless you for visiting then. That is honouring them, whether you realize it our not!

Praying you have a good visit and the anxiety goes away.

Iamlearning · May 25, 2017

mcubed said:

I am the bastard child of both of my parents. They were married but not to each other when I was conceived. I grew up with my mom hatting me for being a consequence of her choices. I hated my mom up until my 30’s even 15 years or so after being saved I got saved when I was 18. I would say all during that time I forgive you but when push came to shove deep down I had not. Today I love that woman, even sometimes like her but most of all I FORGAVE her and keep doing so, for real…. She is the same woman, nothing about her has changed.
One day, many years ago, I tried to sit down with her and tell her my grievances, in hopes she would change. She looked me in the eye and said, “I have not like you since you were about 4 years old” and I do favor your sister over you but my mom favored my brothers over me so suck it up. That is the way life goes there is just children you do not want. I was going to abort you but your father would not let me and abortions were not legal yet.”

I got up from the table went outside to smoke a cigarette and cried out to G-d. did not even say a word to her. As I was crying I saw my life flash before my eyes, like in a movie, but it was my sin before G-d and in that moment, I understood what I have been forgiven for and I instantly forgave my mother for everything.

I do not know if people need some kind of intervention from G-d the way I had but what I know is that woman has not changed one bit how she treats me. I force her to talk to me, I call her several times a week now, many time just to say I was praying for you, I love you, I have nothing to talk about. She says all the same stuff, and I listen quietly, then I get off the phone and tell G-d she is crazy. My mother has money she can afford her own cell phone. But I pay for my father’s and step mothers wo do not have money, so I told my mom I would put her on my account too. She did not want to but I told here if I can pay for there’s I can pay for yours you are my mother. I did this to honor her. She does not need it but I sure do.

The point is every way I could find to honor my mother I have, but never until I forgave her for her shortcomings as my mother.

Today the woman that drives me crazy, that I hated…. I love and honor my mommy…. It only comes from G-d…..

Absolute wow... full respect...

Iamlearning · May 25, 2017

I am not loved by my mother and because of my financial and other circumstances I live with her. I have to say I am 37 and it still hurts she doesn't love me as if I was a little child no more than 3 or 4, it makes me very weak in many aspects of my life. I understand you don't feel like visiting your parents because no one would gladfully go to a place where they will be wounded. The advice posted here is correct: one should honor your parents even if they wanted to destroy you. Christ let His enemies destroy Him in the worse possible manner and forgave the aggressors. We fear psychological and emotional death, above all the one that comes from not being loved, and by our parents no less, but I have come to understand it is a process we must go through to become a real Christian. We need to be destroyed to become a new creation. So I wish you the best of lucks in going there, and let them hurt you but always while you are under the protection of the Lord, let God manage the situation and trust that everything happens for His purposes. Some people have bad spouses, some people are sick, some have hateful kids, some are not loved by parents or community. The point is to assume God knows that and is in control, have Faith. We need to trust it even if it will hurt us and we know. As Christians we should preach by example and this means convert others or let unbelievers hurt you and forgive them. Many many blessings dear.

Depleted · May 25, 2017

oopsies said:

I'm reformed too, and no it's not. (Although I suggest getting out of that church you think is reformed to find a really-reformed church.)

Your objections were covered in my first two paragraphs.

I don't care how bad your parents are. I can name several people, (possibly including myself lol), who have worst parents. The line is honor your parents/love God fully/love others as yourself. Basically, I go with if it doesn't cause harm to anyone, honor. If it does cause harm? Then have the cahonies to respectfully explain why I can't do that even in loving him. Considering Dad is now officially insane, I've had to go there often.

Depleted · May 25, 2017

oopsies said:

Boy! You're really stuck on the hatred, aren't you? And yes it is hate. When you will not forgive, that's hate. And now, after all these years, it's also long-term resentment and bitterness. Not good in God's kingdom.

Psa 125:5 But those who turn aside to their crooked ways the LORD will lead away with evildoers! Peace be upon Israel!

oopsies · May 25, 2017

Depleted said:

Well, of course I would be understandably a bit defensive when I'm being told that I still hate them when I've stated that I don't. Here I am, taking advice from other threads and not letting my parents walk all over me by setting boundaries and asking for help on how to do that practically and being told that is hateful and dishonourable. Why is it hatred? Why is that resentment and bitterness? Are there not people that you don't hate but have drawn a boundary (due to a lack of trust, lack of comfort, etc.) and just don't want to be around? As an example unrelated to my situation, if you know someone who's a gossip, has hurt you in the past, but you've forgiven, would you still practically hangout with them even if they haven't changed? To do so just sounds unwise. But because you don't like them and don't want to be around them, that's hatred, bitterness, and resentment? I'm sure there are people you know that you don't like and that you don't visit or hangout with them. I don't think you would agree with me if I were to say that you hate all those people!

Now, for my situation, I am fully aware of what they are likely to do while I'm there, yet I walk into it with the knowledge and spend a lot of money to do it - all done without duress. No one has put a gun to my head. I have set a practical boundary of physical distance and I haven't cut off ties with them - I still keep in touch. But the result is that now both sides need to actually put in effort to develop a relationship. I might not desire to do so and I might not be reaching out much but at the end of the day, when it comes down to it, it is being done; I think spending hundreds of dollars to do something undesirable counts for something! Why is that still considered hatred or a lack of honour towards my parents? If I hate them, I would cut off all ties in a heartbeat. But, it sounds like many people are telling me that none of that is enough - that I'm in denial about not hating them and that I'm not honouring them. It's almost as if most people are telling me that honouring them means having no boundaries and that the practical way of going about it is to throw my whole self into it, drop everything, give up everything to achieve an undefined state of "honouring" them. Now I am fully aware that I asked for the other side of the view from parents but at this point, based on the responses, I am almost led to believe that because of the particular topic and people's personal feelings and experiences, suddenly all past biblical advice from other threads on this forum cannot be consistently applied! If anything, I am getting the uncanny feeling that a lot of parents here have projected their experiences and missed opportunities with their own children onto me (I haven't worded this part well enough, it is not spoken disrespectfully or dismissively but hopefully, you get the gist of what I'm saying). I apologise if I misunderstood. Perhaps here is an opportunity for all of us, myself included, to reflect on our own desires - things we do not really speak of outside of our own private thoughts.

Thank you to the people who provided me with practical suggestions on how to handle the visit. Thank you also to those who shared their very personal experiences and how you handled it and how it looks like today. So far, the takeaway I've gotten are the following:

- whatever happens, look at the unpleasant and stressful visit as a method/means to evangelism
- read the Bible and pray with them during that time (as a means of evangelism) or other opportunities (like meals, etc.) when they are willing but not to push the issue aggressively. If they don't want to, then just pray for them in private.
- pray for them regularly
- look up resources on how to handle difficult people and use the parts that are respectful
- don't take what they say/do personally because they are like any other non-believer - their behaviour is "understandable" from that perspective
- whatever happens, don't react in like manner. Make sure my behaviour and speech is godly. Walk uprightly to set a godly example as a means of planting a seed for future evangelistic opportunities

Miri · May 25, 2017

The child parent relationship is a strange thing. They might both love
each other and get on, or it might be one sided. Or even that neither side
likes each other and the relationship is just formal and polite.

But here's the thing, wherever it's at, (unless there was some sort of awful
emotional or physical abuse), its when they are gone or really sick, that you realise
how much your parents have done for you and just how much you really do care
about them and wish you had your time over.

I was brought up is foster care by my aunt (my mums sister). My real mum had
schizophrenia and was incapable of looking after her children. As a child I saw her
several times up until about 7 years of age, she never made much sense. To me
it was weird and embarrassing that this odd person was my mum.

She use to think my aunt (who was a single parent also bringing up her own
4 sons on benefits) was a millionaire who owned a lollipop factory.
Occasionally her visits were legal, mostly she had escape from whatever mental
institution she was being kept in, with the police looking for her. So you can
imagine how this was all a bit disturbing to me. Then about age 7 I didn't see her
again.

Then one day in my early 20 I caught sight of a local news article that she had married
a man in his 70s, I think she was in her 60s. The article said they had met in a day
centre run by a mental health charity. So it seemed her problems had lasted all her
life. It was odd seeing her picture but as an adult I was glad she had found some
happiness at last, even though she was now a stranger to me.

Then in 2014 I was tracked down by a people finder organisation, she had died
on her own in hospital. No one knew about her, if she had any family, etc and so
she was buried by the local council. I was tracked down as she had a bank account
and some money. I knew where my brother her oldest son lived as we had kept in touch
and together we sorted out the financial side of things and ended up just a couple
of thousand better off. It wasn't a lot of money.

I felt a bit broken for a while, I didn't even know my mum, but I was upset for
her that she had died alone with nobody to be with her. That she had spent
her life suffering with mental health problems. That she had lost the opportunity
to have a normal life. The bit of money I ended up getting meant a lot. It may
not have been deliberate, but it felt like she provided for me on her death, even
if she wasn't able to in life. I sort of mourned over what we never had for a while.

I suppose what i want to say, is keep in touch with your parents, as an adult
it is within you to set aside childhood animosity and reach out to your parents
even if they may seem a bit challenging.

The relationship with your parents as an adult does not have to be the same
as when you were a child. You can approach it as an equal. Make decisions and
choices about it as an equal. You can chose to put aside the childhood emotions
and put on a fresh perspective. You don't have to carry childhood emotional
garbage into your adult relationship with your parents. Build bridges while you
can because one day, they won't be around any more.

Depleted · May 26, 2017

oopsies said:

I don't have to like some people. I don't have to honor some people. I don't ever have to be around anyone I don't like. BUT I most certainly do have to honor Dad and I most certainly have to develop relationships with my family... who, btw, are the people who come to mind first on my list of "don't like." (And, probably, specifically because all other people I don't like I avoid on purpose until I no longer have to see them. lol)

In truth, you're coming at this problem in the same way your parents are -- by cultural upbringing. And you're handling it just like they are -- duty. That's our natural inclination.

God demands we kick out "natural," and take on his supernatural. Until you get over the cultural method of dealing with your parents (cold, hard detachment with plenty of duty slathering it), nothing will change except your list of what's wrong with them will increase.

It's not them that is the problem. You can't fix them. God demands we love anyway. We honor anyway. And that is on us. On you.

All you've done is take the words given to you and turn them into a cultural plan on how to deal with an "unpleasant and stressful visit" with "difficult people." Nothing will change because you will not let God soften your heart. And ten years from now, you will blame everyone who gave you "the plan."

Bad news. You are their daughter and it shows.

Nice_Lady · May 28, 2017

Yes there is a command to honour your parents but that is when need comes. In Timothy we r told to honour widows, too. So its not that emotional feeling. Its helping and having respect. So if visits r not for u thats absolutely fine. Need to be thankful for skype

its duty guys! Bear with one another patiently. Be wise and innocent. If the Bible doesnt command u to do visits then feel free.

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