I pulled a knife on somebody, please help.

[schoolmarm]

Brandon, get counseling, Christian counseling if you can. Sign up for that anger management class. Pray and dig into the scriptures. The Word say it will transform you, that's all of you. Become accountable to another brother who is strong in the Lord! Avoid temptation and beg mercy from the courts. Regardless if you go to jail or don't God can use all of this to bring glory to Him if you follow close after Him. Stand strong, you can do it!

 

[FrankensteinGirls]

I've tried all the benzo's, some of them were helpful but I quickly built up a tolerance to them so they would stop working. I never had addiction problems with them or trouble getting off of them but everyone is different especially with different diagnoses.

 

[tif]

I've tried all the benzo's, some of them were helpful but I quickly built up a tolerance to them so they would stop working. I never had addiction problems with them or trouble getting off of them but everyone is different especially with different diagnoses.

Well, thank God for that. That kind of addiction is hell.

BTW, 5 mg is an extremely high dose for daily use. It's pretty close to the top. I didn't know I was getting addicted (and that one pdoc was, imho, sedating me so he could try out different meds). I had to get off the ativan very slowly because I already had an underlying anxiety-based condition...

 

[Brandon777]

I hope you are doing well Brandon.

I am. Thank you.

Hi Brandon! How ARE you doing? Please, keep us updated. I hope you are well. Did you find medication that works for you yet? I'll be praying, Brandon! It's so good you know you still had a choice in this, but can acknowledge the effect the meds had.

I'm doing 20x better than I was in November when I pulled the knife. I'm on medication that's doing well to keep me sane. Although I'm still suffer depression. I still have joy through my depression though. It's hard to get out of bed and I end up sleeping for 12 hours a day. That and it's hard to move throughout the day if I lay down. And it's hard to be motivated in general when I don't have a job or any vocation to get up for. I do however go to Ashworth College now. It's an online school... So I can be an electrician. I havn't had much progress there because of a mixture of my depression and a feeling of self-defeat since I was just eviscerated from my 4th year at Washington Bible College.

The effect of my own will is one factor, the effect of the illness and lack of medication is another factor, and I know for sure that demons played a large role in this as well. I believe it was well orchestrated by the kingdom of darkness.

Brandon, get counseling, Christian counseling if you can. Sign up for that anger management class. Pray and dig into the scriptures. The Word say it will transform you, that's all of you. Become accountable to another brother who is strong in the Lord! Avoid temptation and beg mercy from the courts. Regardless if you go to jail or don't God can use all of this to bring glory to Him if you follow close after Him. Stand strong, you can do it!

I'm a very mellow person; I've been that way my whole life. I was angry because I believed he was doing an injustice to God. That's how insane I was.

 

[tif]

I'm doing 20x better than I was in November when I pulled the knife. I'm on medication that's doing well to keep me sane. Although I'm still suffer depression. I still have joy through my depression though. It's hard to get out of bed and I end up sleeping for 12 hours a day. That and it's hard to move throughout the day if I lay down. And it's hard to be motivated in general when I don't have a job or any vocation to get up for. I do however go to Ashworth College now. It's an online school... So I can be an electrician. I havn't had much progress there because of a mixture of my depression and a feeling of self-defeat since I was just eviscerated from my 4th year at Washington Bible College.

The effect of my own will is one factor, the effect of the illness and lack of medication is another factor, and I know for sure that demons played a large role in this as well. I believe it was well orchestrated by the kingdom of darkness.

Absolutely. I'm so glad you're doing better! Depression is a horrible thing. People think it's just being sad, but it's more than that: the exhaustion and the headaches, the body pains, the oversleeping and weight gain, and the feeling that you're not really getting any better and nothing is going to change.

Satan and his minions will always try and push us not to accept the will of God and make matters worse than they already were. We ARE in a spiritual battle. I'm so glad that there's so many people here (you included!) who understand that things like this might have a spiritual component, but most often have a physical component as well.

I once was on an antidepressant that caused a lot of irritability. After a childhood of violence, I'm a very non-violent person, and I don't hit or slap people. Well, on this medicine, I slapped my sister HARD across the backside while she was decorating the Christmas tree. I think I was irritated that she hung one of the ornaments I made. While the medicine pushed me toward a certain reaction, I shouldn't have been feeling the way I was toward her. And I'm not a person who doesn't believe in the spiritual realm; I'm convinced there were spiritual forces at work, pushing me further and further from those I love.

Don't get discouraged; God's already seen where you'd be today, and in five years, and ten, and He STILL chose you before the foundations of the world. Me too.

 

[Brandon777]

@ tif: Thanks. I really liked reading your response. It made me feel peace. I know in a more tangible way, now that there really are people out there that know how I feel. God choosing me is one of my greatest joys. No wait. I think it is my single greatest joy. So yeah, that really helps me. I sorta feel like a person again. Like I might actually be normal somehow. I was normal other than the fact that I was a bit quiet up until I was 16, when bipolar symptoms begin. And I know that in heaven I'll be healed. I might even be healed on earth if I go to someone with that Holy Spirit empowerment. But that's not very likely because there are so few of those people, and they're tough to find because the ones that do it right are humble about it. But anyway, I've been ashamed of myself for so long now that this message really healed me of that. God chose me. He chose me. Why? why would He do that? I don't have the answer to that, but I'm going to keep contemplating that for as long as I'm alive.

 

[tif]

@ tif: Thanks. I really liked reading your response. It made me feel peace. I know in a more tangible way, now that there really are people out there that know how I feel. God choosing me is one of my greatest joys. No wait. I think it is my single greatest joy. So yeah, that really helps me. I sorta feel like a person again. Like I might actually be normal somehow. I was normal other than the fact that I was a bit quiet up until I was 16, when bipolar symptoms begin. And I know that in heaven I'll be healed. I might even be healed on earth if I go to someone with that Holy Spirit empowerment. But that's not very likely because there are so few of those people, and they're tough to find because the ones that do it right are humble about it. But anyway, I've been ashamed of myself for so long now that this message really healed me of that. God chose me. He chose me. Why? why would He do that? I don't have the answer to that, but I'm going to keep contemplating that for as long as I'm alive.

Brandon, the answer's so simple... He chose you because He loved you before you were even in your mother's womb. The whole bible is a beautiful love story, between us and a God so high and mighty that He holds the world in the palm of His hand, but so caring and loving that He knows each time a sparrow dies and has numbered the hairs on your head.

Psalms 139

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand​

It took me a long, long time to understand that God COULD love me. I had a difficult childhood, and I thought I was a truly, deeply bad person. I hated myself and thought everyone else should, too. The most important thing God has shown me is that He saw all my failures and flaws, all the times I would cry out against Him, all of my disbelief and anger, and He loved me anyway.

Just like He loves you. God bless you, Brandon.

 

[Brandon777]

@ tif: Thank You.

I thought I was a truly, deeply bad person.

The Bible says we're unrighteous (Romans 3) saints (Philippians 4:21) who are called to be holy (1 Peter 1:16) and blameless (Philippians 2:15). If we are unrighteous, how can we be called to be holy like Jesus? Is this a contradiction? Or how do you explain it? Try to explain it before you read my answer for it below.

I would stress like Jesus not as Jesus. Yes we are unrighteous and deserve eternal death (Romans 6:23) Psalm 9:17 says "And the wicked shall be turned into hell and all the nations that forget God." Revelation says All liars will be turned into hell. (Revelation 21:8) "But for the cowardly, unbelieving, sinners, abominable, murderers, sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their part is in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death."

Whatdoya think?

 

[tif]

It's true, we are all sinners deserving of judgment and damnation. The difference is that I thought, long ago, that it was a damn lucky thing there were other people who sinned, because Jesus could never love someone like me enough to die. See, I believed I was a person who not only deserved death, but deserved suffering, someone unredeemable, someone who deserved to be beaten and raped because I was trash.

Self-love is a huge problem in our society, but so is self-hatred. What we need is Godly self-esteem. We aren't inherently good people, but Jesus obviously thought we were worth dying on the cross for, so we aren't worthless, either. That balance is so important.

 

[Brandon777]

true. ----------

 

[astro]

"Wow ...just ...wow! 0_o
Do you actually know anything about Bipolar disorder?
You're an idiot. And insensitive ignorant idiot.
You are off and full of poison."
"...made my jaw drop..."

Hey guys, I think you are confusing me with the guy who got arrested and went to jail for threatening people with a knife. If I ever saw a bunch of spineless whiteknighting...YUK!

 

[ChristianChick]

You can't just blame the doc for messing up your meds. You were partly to blame. I know mental health is a serious thing but to an extent that person still makes choices. (Foolish ones in your case)
However i hope you don't have jail time - as long as it would never happen again! If it was to happen again then surely you are not stable. What happens if your doc messed up again but this time you pulled a knife on a child? Choose your actions & words carefully.

 

[tif]

You can't just blame the doc for messing up your meds. You were partly to blame. I know mental health is a serious thing but to an extent that person still makes choices. (Foolish ones in your case)
However i hope you don't have jail time - as long as it would never happen again! If it was to happen again then surely you are not stable. What happens if your doc messed up again but this time you pulled a knife on a child? Choose your actions & words carefully.

Did you even READ what Brandon wrote? He never said he had no blame in this!!

In fact, he said SPECIFICALLY that he takes responsibility for his actions. Anyone who can't recognize that an imbalance like Brandon's has an effect on his actions is just.. Well, clueless. That doesn't make what happened okay--Pulling a knife on someone is never okay. But he has taken measures to make sure something like this never happens again, including getting correct treatment for his illness.

 

[ChristianChick]

Did you even READ what Brandon wrote? He never said he had no blame in this!!

In fact, he said SPECIFICALLY that he takes responsibility for his actions. Anyone who can't recognize that an imbalance like Brandon's has an effect on his actions is just.. Well, clueless. That doesn't make what happened okay--Pulling a knife on someone is never okay. But he has taken measures to make sure something like this never happens again, including getting correct treatment for his illness.

Yeah, thanks for that. I had read the thread so don't be off with me. I was simply stating that he can't blame anyone but himself - that's all and i'm pleased he agreed!

 

[tif]

You know, there is a very large difference between identifying contributing factors and saying you had no blame. Some people have predispositions towards certain things, like addiction, diabetes, and mental illness. Understanding the role contributing factors play in your actions isn't the same as passing the buck. It's really a healthy thing to try and figure out what our big hurdles are and work on them prayerfully.

ChristianChick, your first words were: "You can't just blame the doc for messing up your meds. You were partly to blame." That sounded a lot like you hadn't read the thread, because he specifically said he was partly to blame. I'm sorry if I misunderstood you.

 

[The_boy]

For those of you uninformed and ignorant that basically said "you made your bed, now lay in it" I have a scenario for you to consider: let's say I'm a doctor and I tell you to take such and such medication because of whatever problem your having. This medicine has an adverse reaction (which by the way, neither you nor I can possibly foresee) causing you to black out and seriously harm MULTIPLE people. Having been blacked out you had NO control of yourself NOR do you have ANY memory of these events. Now you're sitting in a cell, not sure HOW you've gotten there and the officer is giving you foul looks. Upon asking him he tells you what you've done and you're shocked. How would YOU like someone to respond to you? HM?

I am diagnosed as Bipolar, ADHD, Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and Depression. I KNOW how that is, and I KNOW what some of the medications can do. Granted the scenario I gave is extreme. I also know that if medication can make a person be someone else entirely. When I was little I wouldn't harm a fly. They put me on a medication within HOURS I attacked people UNPROVOKED: completely out of character. Now, before you go spouting off at the mouth you should do some research and try to understand.

I actually don't take meds anymore. I would rather be MYSELF and face my own issues with God's help than some chemical garbage. I don't think this course is for everyone though, because I have the mildest kind of bipolar. I'm just wound tighter than an 8 day clock due to the ADHD.

 

[Brandon777]

Honestly I'm not sure, given how confused I was, how I could have done anything differently.

 

[Tearose84]

IT IS NOT AN EVIL SPIRIT! Geez. Medical problems are not evil spirits.